Friday, November 14, 2008

Cosmocking: December '08!

Noble Gas Boy has sent me an email gushing about how he really enjoyed our room-temperature date and really wants to see me again. Huh. I'm still undecided. On the one hand, better lame-but-cordial date than Civ IV; on the other hand, I dunno if I should string out something that doesn't seem to have much future. Maybe we can Just Be Friends? Dunno.

Anyway. Jessica Simpson on the cover! Brownish background! Words that appear on the cover: Sex, Sexy, Naked, Orgasm, Skanky, Uncensored, Rapist. Oh, and a little emoticon "orgasm face" that looks like this: :-o

One thing I'd like to make a general comment on because it came up about 500 times in this issue: you know, ladies, guys don't care about five pounds. Guys may care about your overall weight, but I really don't believe any man on Earth gives a damn about the difference between 120 and 125. (Or between 180 and 185.) A thin woman with a little tummy still reads as a thin woman, and a curvy woman with control-top and cincher still reads as a curvy woman. So lay off the OMG A LITTLE FAT SPOT bullshit, your overall body shape is what matters and anyway there are guys who like just about every kind.

My roommate and I have co-Cosmocked in detail and agreed that all of the "embarrassing confessions" are clearly fictional and written by the same person. Nonetheless I'm still going to mock them, because whoever this person is, they're really dumb.
"I was psyched when this hot guy asked me to a formal. It had an open bar, so we were overserved and couldn't keep our hands off each other when we got back to my place. When I woke up, I saw him groggily sitting up in bed and giving me a weird look. Then I looked down and saw my pasties and full-body nude Spanx. I'd fallen asleep in them after removing my clothes the night before. I bolted out of bed to the bedroom."
Why the hell did you go out with a hot guy wearing underwear you'd be embarrassed to be seen in? Who wears pasties to a formal? What are Spanx? (Bodyshapers. I had to look that up.) What happened to a goddamn bra and panties? Could your I-must-never-appear-flawed vanity complex be any bigger? If it were, would you put it in a shaper?

"My roommates and I threw a blowout party at our place and were pleased that hot girls showed up. I ended up making out with one in the foyer before inviting her upstairs to my room. She was straddling me on my bed, and we were kissing intensely. I thought it would be sexy if I took charge and threw her down on the mattress to switch positions and get on top. But when I sat up and grabbed her, I swung her body and lost my hold. She flew off the bed and onto the floor, yelling 'Ouch!' I quickly moved to pick her up. She stood up, grabbed her dress, and peaced out."
So you make one awkward mistake and the girl, rather than laughing it off or even yelling at you, just disappears? Dang. That girl was Nintendo Hard.

His Point Of View: "Shocks I Don't Want"
"Please don't surprise me with a kid or a failed marriage. I start wondering what went wrong with this guy who you were committed to for so long."

You hear that, ladies? You're only allowed to get married once. Ever. Because if you can't make a relationship with one person last your entire life, you clearly aren't good for any relationships at all ever again.

"I never want to discover that you're actually a man. 'Oh, by the way, I have a penis.' Or even worse, I don't want to feel something that clearly shouldn't be there."
LOL TRANSSEXUALS LOL YOUR SEXUALITY IS SOOO FUNNY CAUSE IT'S SOOO GROSS LOL. Anyway, does this really happen a lot? All the transgendered people I know are very upfront with potential partners. I've never heard of anyone who enjoys acting as a boogeyman "trap" who goes around triggering fratboy homopobia for yucks.

But if you [have sex with your eyes closed], she'll start to think you're fantasizing about her sister or trying to avoid seeing her fat elbow.
Fat elbow? Seriously?

"I recently moved in with my boyfriend. He always leaves the toilet seat up, which drives me nuts. [blah blah yelling doesn't work blah] When I was flipping through a magazine one afternoon, I ripped out all the ads with sexy, half-naked male models in them and taped one to the underside of the toilet-seat cover. I knew he'd be too lazy to untape the page and that it would force him to lower both the cover and the seat to avoid staring at a shirtless dude. The one time he did remove the picture, I put another back within minutes
LOL HOMOPHOBIA LOL GEE IT NEVER GETS OLD LAUGHING AT HOW RIDICULOUS IT WOULD BE IF A MAN WERE ATTRACTED TO MEN I MEAN EWWWW LOOOLLLLL. If you want to put an aversive picture on the toilet seat, is a good-looking man really the worst thing you can think of?

Also, even if he's being good, he still has to look at the dude while he pees.

The nervous system located along the spine acts like a traffic cop for his brain, directing it to (a) fill his penis with blood and help him stay erect, (b) speed up his pulse, and (c) forcefully contract his muscles until he climaxes. The spinal nerves also connect directly to those on his penis. So during foreplay glide your nails up and down his back or massage him with your breasts--he'll get a rush down below.
Well, only if you manage to crack open some bones and massage him inside his spinal column. (Actually, not even then, you'd probably just paralyze him.) I mean, yes, the spinal nerves connect to almost everything below the chin, and the penis is one of those things, but... NERVES DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!!!

Surprisingly, his feet--and especially his toes--have a neurological connection with his penis. The area of his brain that regulates foot sensation is situated right next to the region that controls his erection.
So? That doesn't mean he feels foot sensations in his dick; I mean, how could he walk? The nervous system is actually a very organized thing that likes to put foot sensations in the feet and dick sensations in the dick, or you'd feel it in your eye every time you squeezed your thumb. If you want to stimulate his cock, stimulate his cock! If you want to stimulate his back or feet, hey, that's nice too, but you don't have to kid yourself.

[Do] watch the game with his friends. [Don't] cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes. Let's put it this way: it's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.
Yeah, it's such a total turn-off when women enjoy the same things that humans enjoy.

Q: I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and we've never had a fight. This might sound crazy, but I've tried to get him mad by being bitchy for no real reason, and he never takes the bait. Does it mean that he's not passionate about me?
A: Yes. Yes, you are crazy. Very crazy.

[How to] claim your space if the person next to you on an airplane is taking up too much room: Approach the flight attendant and say "I'm very claustrophobic, and my seatmate and I aren't fitting in the space. Any chance I could get a new spot?" If that's not possible, stake your territory by putting down the armrest and placing your bag on the floor line that separates your space. Then put your arm on the shared armrest and your head in that hand, so it will be hard for him to invade your body zone. Also, stand up a magazine or folger between the seat cushions to accentuate the divide between you.
If I ever have to sit next to you on an airplane, I will beat you. I will take you out back after we get past terminal security and I will make you eat the tarmac.


  1. "Yeah, it's such a total turn-off when women enjoy the same things that humans enjoy."

    You get it! Women aren't even supposed to be biological -- they're supposed to smell like rosemary, have skin as smooth and featureless and porcelain, and never use their orifices for anything nonsexual. Otherwise no man would want them, and what could be worse than that?

  2. I would take Civ4 over a bad date any day. Good lord, Holly. I mean, have you PLAYED Beyond the Sword? I love being the Romans and finding Iron early.

  3. Just stumbled across your blog, and read back a ways. Quite fun! Lovely writing, frank and fun. I would like to add your blog to the list of reads on my page, providing I can figure out the linky thing.

    A pleasure to read!

  4. "better lame-but-cordial date than Civ IV"

    As "anonymous" said: interesting choice...

  5. Oh, man, I have spent almost an hour and a half reading your blog (and I have things to do, even)! I love it! You making fun of the PUAs is an excellent antidote for how depressed reading their stuff usually makes me--I wish Feministing was this funny.

    Weirdly, it also makes me really happy that most of the letters in Cosmo are fake. Playboy doesn't get to have *all* the fun!

  6. One time my ex tried one of those flip me over moves and the back of my head hit the bedside table. At that point, I was over sexy time and when he realized I was bleeding, he was over it too. It gave me a concussion. I didn't dump him over it, but if it had happened with some random guy at a party that I didn't care about seeing again anyway, I probably would have left too. Intentional pain during sex can be fun, but accidental pain during sex isn't. Although it doesn't sound like she spent time in the ER over it like I did.