Sunday, May 10, 2009

Slut Paradox.

If I'm too quick to get in bed with him, or a bit too practiced or kinky at it, he'll think I'm a slut and sluts are not girlfriend material. If I deliberately hold back, he'll think I'm no fun. And dang, I'm not a eunuch myself, I certainly want to be in bed with him having the wildest possible time as soon as possible.

Well, so I am a slut, or at least a horndog. I guess the only question is, if I'm dating with an eye to Serious Relationship Possibilities, do I need to pretend I'm not?

21 comments:

  1. Don't ever pretend to be someone you're not for a relationship. That way lies misery.

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  2. Alan - Yeah, I know. (And no double standard here--I love guys who are sexually aggressive and have slept around, they're always damn good at it and I think having been around the block makes them less likely to make commitments they can't keep.) But sometimes it seems like every damn guy, even if he loves it in bed, only wants to introduce his friends to a Good Girl.

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  3. If he really likes you and loves what you do in bed, but then he's so concerned with what his friends will think if he dates a "slut" that he'll just drop it? He's so not worth your time.

    I know that sucks and I've had friends who have real difficulty getting guys to date them because of a reputation. It's a bum rap. It's completely disheartening.

    I sleep around, though, and make no secret of it whatsoever. I think my being completely honest and comfortable about it does a lot to keep people (at least the ones who have basic decency) from judging too badly. Saying "Hi, this is what I do and if you don't like it you can go fuck yourself" seems to get a lot more respect than rejection.

    Of course, that's just me and I live in relatively liberal areas and have spent most of the past four years at college. I hope, though, that people's admiration for self determination will continue to outweigh their desire to slut bash when I leave the academic bubble.

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  4. Paradox - The problem, unfortunately, is that I'm lonely. And I'm finding that if I drop every guy who's not worth my time, if I don't take any shit and act like I can take or leave anyone... I get lonelier.

    It's hard for me to call it "slut bashing" if a guy doesn't want to date me. There are kinds of guys I don't want to date either and it's not entirely fair--I wouldn't say it's "unemployed bashing" if I don't want one for a boyfriend, right? It's just a choice I have a right to make even if it sucks for him.

    Ah well. There's a man out there for me. There's several. That's the problem.

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  5. Don't let one bad night color your perspective. But have you confirmed that it was a bad night for him?

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  6. Bruno - This isn't entirely about last night (I don't even know, haven't talked to him since), it's more a general whinge. A couple days ago I heard some guys gossiping about how if a girl's blowjobs are too good it means she's trashy, and I was like, shit, am I supposed to do a bad job?

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  7. Go for it. Enjoy yourself, and get the most out of it you can. If he thinks you're a slut for it and doesn't want to date you, great! You ruled out someone you didn't want to date and you got sex at the same time!

    Although admittedly, if you like him, make sure you ask to meet friends the relevant point, and be aware of the possibility of being "kept on for the hot sex".

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  8. Be yourself. And, as I've said before, this will change over time. I'm 40. EVERYONE I date now has experience.

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  9. Hey, hey, hey, he's not a gatekeeper!

    :)

    But seriously, what if he just wasn't looking for a girlfriend, and it had nothing to do with any fatal flaws in you? You don't always sleep with guys because you expect a boyfriend, right? Maybe your moods just didn't match up. Timing can be a fickle mistress. I myself had an unfortunate experience today in which I mistimed my advances badly. It involved a fairly severe sunburn and an indisposition of a rather more intimate nature, and I regret to report that I was rebuffed.

    But tomorrow is another day.

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  10. Hell, no. I like a woman who knows what she likes and is willing to let me know, if I'm not already getting around to that particular thing, and I like very much one who knows what she's doing, for both our pleasure. Although I'm not averse to helping a woman expand her horizons, I'm not running a fucking school (adjective meant both ways).
    (Have to be careful with that expanding-horizons thing, though; the last time I turned a chick on to the pleasures of anal sex, I created a monster.)

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  11. For serious relationships, guys do want a girl who can act like a "good girl" in public, so he can take her home to meet his parents and so on. If you do that, he has a similar libido to yours, and he still acts weird about it because you want sex then it's not you who's missing 'Relationship Potential'.

    Some guys aren't relationship material. When sex is available outside of relationships, those guys don't have to make that effort if they don't want to. That's not always a bad thing - at least he doesn't have as much incentive to deceive you.

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  12. @ Kendrick - It's the Madonna/Whore thing. We (guys) want a Madonna in the parlor, and a whore in the bedroom.

    It's not a neurosis, though. You can be a genuine and honest person, polite and proper in public, and a total horndog perv behind closed doors.

    Personally, I find it *ridiculously* hot to know the perv side of someone I'm in a social setting with.

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  13. Never pretend. Never. The kind of man that's worried about a woman being too good in bed hasn't grown up enough to BE with a woman.

    If you are really looking for a serious relationship then you don't want the kind of men that will have issuses with who you really are. As Alan said, that only leads to misery.

    In my very limited experience, it's a lonely road to finding someone truly compatible for the long haul, but it's so totally worth it when you DO find someone worth keeping.

    I was convined most of my life I just wasn't the kind of girl you keep. It took me 27 years to find a man that disagreed, and wanted to keep me.

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  14. My post-high-school experience has always been that decent men love women who love sex, and have no issues with dating them assuming her reputation isn’t so well-known that they’re teased for it. My dating experience is however limited to (1) a small liberal college and (2) seeing people while in an open marriage, which rather implies an explicit interest in sex. Having never dated as a single adult it’s entirely possible that I’m clueless regarding what that’s like. One thing to think about: from my (limited) experience with the kink community, it seems like a much larger percentage of its members separate sex from relationships than in the general population. Not saying all by any means, but many consciously or subconsciously avoid having feelings for the people they’re screwing. Your preferences for specific types of people might be increasing your rate of encounters with these folks. If you were able to convince yourself to like skinny pagans things might change. :)

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  15. Kendrick - I feel like it should be obvious that the vast majority of sluts are housebroken and can be trusted to have dinner with parents without once offering anyone a "sucky sucky five dollah."

    Sarah - Well, I have a decent track record with chunky pagans, is that close enough?

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  16. OneFaller--I agree, TOTALLY.

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  17. "I feel like it should be obvious that the vast majority of sluts are housebroken and can be trusted to have dinner with parents without once offering anyone a "sucky sucky five dollah.""There's a lot of space between "doesn't make suggestive remarks in front of parents" and "behaves with class in public". The comment on meeting parents was just an example, and it was a bad one. I haven't met any women who would blow something as overtly important as meeting parents, but neither have I met more than a few young women, maybe 5-10%, that actually have a lot of class.

    A classless woman may be a hell of a lot of fun, but you certainly don't want to tie yourself to her permanently. Classlessness has a way of doing more damage than any amount of sex is worth. The same is true of low class men. I'm really not sure where I'm going with this, but it's true.

    Your original complaint was that if you sleep with a guy too fast or well that he won't be interested in having a relationship with you. Part of that is a flawed generalization - it's not *always* true. Part of that is the fact that, just like women, 90-95% of guys are either idiots, jerks, or psychologically twisted. You have two options for dealing with it: Meet a ton of guys and eventually one of them will click with you; or change your behavior so that more guys will be interested and then meet a slightly smaller ton of guys until one of them clicks with you. You just have to decide whether you hate changing your behavior more than being lonely.

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  18. Always be yourself. If they don't like the real you fuck 'em. (not literally, figuratively)

    And I can understand being lonely I'm the same way right now.

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  19. Kendrick - I have a feeling you know you're digging yourself a hole, but I still have to say -- "class"? Really? And someone who puts out has less class?

    Shit, dude, I don't have class, I'm descended from a long line of peasant dairy farmers and I drink and swear and get sweaty and dirty at my work and my fun.

    Doesn't mean I'll be offering sucky sucky five dollah in public either, or otherwise doing "damage," but if you're looking for "class" you'll have to check someone else's teeth and pedigree.

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  20. Class in the USA isn't hereditary - anybody can choose whether to behave with class or not. In an age with effective birth control and STD tests, sexual activity outside of marriage isn't inherently low-class either.

    I wasn't talking about class as in "class warfare" or "blue bloods" or whatever it is you have in mind when you say your ancestors were peasants as if that matters. I'm talking about class as in "She handled that with class.", or "Breaking up over the phone? Not classy man, you should have the respect to tell her in person."

    That kind of class has a fundamental effect on whether somebody is capable of having stable, healthy relationships. It's rare in any time, and currently even more rare because it's been denigrated and ignored. Because of this there aren't many people who care about class rather than, say, sexual activity and you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find one that you like and are compatible with, who also understands that the important thing isn't how many people you've had relationships with - it's how you conducted yourself in your relationships.

    If you read back over everything I wrote, you'll find that I was making the assumption that you are a classy lady and explaining why you would have a hard time finding a guy who doesn't assume that "I'm a slut and sluts are not girlfriend material". I wasn't accusing you of anything.

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  21. I know everyone else already said it, but --

    No no no no no no no.

    You are you, and there will be people out there who absolutely and utterly adore you and everything about you. Those are the people that are worth your time and effort. Anyone for whom you have to pretend, even just a little bit, even just at the beginning -- no. The road to hell and all that.

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