Friday, July 3, 2009

I'm not sorry.

Sometimes during sex you do have to apologize. You're dealing with sensitive areas both physical and mental, you're going to fuck up, when you've fucked up it's nice to say sorry. That's okay. But people apologize too damn much during sex. (I know I do. Sorry about that.) They apologize for things they shouldn't.

Saying "sorry" can make someone less upset with you, but it can't make them happier. "Sorry I bonked you on the nose there" soothes the indignity of the nose-pain a bit, but "sorry you didn't have more fun" doesn't create any fun at all. And when you apologize for things that didn't bother the other person in the first place, you draw attention to those things and you sound insecure as hell.

So here are a couple things not to apologize for.

1) Your body.
They're fucking you, aren't they? Unless they're putting on a blindfold and handling your bits with tongs, it's pretty safe to say they find you attractive. Going "sorry, I have a big belly" can only go two ways:
-They actually kinda liked your tummy, but now are sad that you don't feel the same way.
-They didn't love your tummy but didn't mind it since the rest of you is so damn cute, and now you've drawn their attention to it.

Not only do the outcomes suck, but so does the implication: that your body is something you're doing to them. "Look out, I'm going to be fat at you!" Horseshit. Only the sleaziest teenage boys think that being attractive is a duty to others and being ugly is an offense or dereliction. If your body's somehow a problem, at least realize it's only your problem.

2) Malfunctions.
So he didn't get hard, you had weird pain and had to quit, she didn't get off, you came in ten seconds. Sucks for both of you.
So here's your options:
-Fix it. Take a rest and go a little easier this time, let your fingers finish what your cock started, ask her how she likes it and do just exactly that.
-Forget it. Welp, no sense going on if it's not fun anymore. Wanna watch a movie and cuddle? We can try again later if we feel like it, or not if we don't.
-"Sorry sorry ohmigosh that was terrible sorry."

3) Your limits.
Big one for me. "I'm really sorry, but I just can't get comfortable with crowbar blows, it must be such a letdown for you, sorry." Even if it's not crowbar-play, even if it's spanking or giving blowjobs or having your feet touched, you shouldn't apologize for a decision you're not planning to reverse. Maybe it really does disappoint them, but apologizing won't help and it makes the limit seem less firm.

The worst limit to apologize for is who you'll fuck/play with. Giving a polite no is nice; giving an apologetic no is annoying and misleading. Are you actually, literally sorry you won't fuck them? If so, it won't help them to know that. If not, don't lie.

I'm sorry for things I did and I know were wrong and you'll feel better if I say it. If it's not my fault, if I still stand by my actions, or if "sorry" will only be salt on the wound, then I'll be nice, but I won't be sorry.


  1. Ohhh . . . guilty as charged. Working on it.

    Not going to apologize for it, though.

  2. There's more than one kind of "sorry." I've said I'm sorry on occasions two and three, but it's not because I'm apologizing or taking responsibility for a problem- it's because I empathize with them and am sorry they're disappointed. It's the same way that you say "I'm sorry" if someone's cat dies.

  3. oh yes! I wrote a post not so long ago about banning my lover from "I'm sorry" - but that was more general. Fortunately, he doesn't apply it to sex, although it's a mentality that I'm sure isn't healthy for it either.

  4. The crowbar part made me chuckle a bit I'll admit.

  5. For the gunnies in the audience- malf drills.

    C'mon. It would be a good idea!

  6. LabRat,

    Would lend new meaning to SPORTS.

    Actually, you should have an advance plan for contraceptive failure, so that's a good point.

  7. Personally, I don't even get the "I'm sorry your cat died" type of thing and find it irritating. Did you kill my cat? If no, then why are you apologizing? If yes, then what I really want to hear is "I'm sorry I killed your cat. It was my fault, it was stupid, and I will never do it again. I will do anything to make up for it. Please don't sue me or set my hair on fire."

    If you want to say you know how it feels, then just say you know how it feels. Apologizing for no good reason just sounds insane.

  8. "Sorry" is just an advective form of the same base as the noun "sorrow." It doesn't mean you did something wrong, it means you regret something that happened. It's an expression that you feel bad about it. There's nothing wrong with saying that you're sorry about something that wasn't your fault; all you're saying is that you wish it hadn't happened.

    Today it may have the connotation of apology, but that isn't the only thing the word means.