Cosmocking: August '09!

Ah, now I'm back in the comfort zone. Katy Perry on the cover! All I know about Katy Perry is that she kissed a girl and she liked it, and big whoop! A gajillion chicks kiss girls and like it, honey, don't act like you invented it! Her outfit could not be worn in public without extraordinary amounts of double sticky tape!

The Mars company has introduced its first new candy bar in 20 years, and it targets women. The hot pink package contains two 85-calorie bars, and they're calling it Fling. Just don't tell your guy you had one at the office.
It makes sense that low-calorie means woman food, because women are pretty fat. Just look at their collective bodies, for chrissakes. That gender is headed straight to porkerville.

When a guy says he doesn't know why you're mad at him, deep down, he does.
Oh God Cosmo. Why would you do this? The consequences could be hideous!

Anyway, the "guess why I'm mad" game is moronic whether he can or not. Grownups use their words.

A guy's lying if he says he doesn't manscape.
There are more guys between heaven and earth, Cosmo, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. And some of those guys, well, you could shear them and make a sweater.

["guy poll" results] What girlie look do you most go for?
The girl next door: casual, not a ton of makeup, ponytail -- 76.1%
...The fashion plate: cutting-edge outfit, the latest haircut, trendy handbag -- 6.9%
This is only funny because it comes after sixty pages of ads and editorial on how to become the fashion plate.

Get Hit On All the Time
This article is great. I'd type up the whole thing if I could. It's a big list of body language moves--hilarious when performed together--that you should do while sitting alone at a bar or party so guys will come up to you. Dangle a shoe off your toe! Cradle your boobs! Expose your throat! Drop your chin! (Those two weren't sequential in the original list.) Make an "OK" sign over your crotch! Lean on the bar! Point your belly button at the guy you want! Expose your wrists!

The one thing that isn't on the list is pointing your face at the guy you want, and subtly using your lips and tongue--this is proven by expert research, it has to do with brain hemispheres and pheremones--to freakin' talk to him.

Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough... unless you feast on complimentary samples. Head to a grocery store that gives out nibblers (Costco, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods). Then hit up a wine shop during a tasting night. For dessert, stop by an ice-cream parlor and ask to try a bunch of flavors.
Cosmo, the magazine for... hobos?

Think about the hottest days of summer, when you're walking around and your thighs stick together--that's pretty much what it feels like for your guy when he tries to enter you when you're not wet. And psychologically, dryness can have an even more negative and traumatizing effect on his libido.
Well, the poor dear! I didn't realize this was all about him! I guess I never realized how uncomfortable it was for him because I was too distracted by all the agonizing pain!

(Also: boxer shorts.)

Q: A few months ago, my boyfriend brought up the idea of role-playing, and I was into it. At first we kept our roles generic, but the other night, he suggested we be my friend and her boyfriend. I said that would freak me out, and to his credit, be backed off. But does this mean he's thinking about my friend when he's having sex with me?
A: Ya think?

If a girl has it all going on--an incredible job, a hot boyfriend, countless pairs of killer shoes--it's easy to resent her so much that you refuse to be her friend. If you were a wolf, you'd know that was a big mistake. The alpha wolf may be top dog, but he always has a beta wolf who serves as his number two. In return, the beta gets the best food, the right to mate with the hottest females, and respect from all the other wolves.
Well, that's very comforting, except that actually alpha wolves don't let anyone else mate. The beta wolf may have the best odds of sneaking something behind the alpha's back, but now we're taking the metaphor to new and fascinating places.

(Also, the alpha-beta-omega model of wolf packs was based on captive packs of unrelated individuals and it turns out that in the wild, wolf packs are more often families in which the "alphas" are the mom and dad and the subordinates are their offspring. And the subordinates avoid breeding not because of hierarchy but because they're waiting to do that after they split off from the pack and meet an unrelated wolf. But now I don't know what the metaphor is saying except you shouldn't have sex with your relatives.)

[On opening lines.] "It's really loud here--let's go someplace quieter to talk. My friends can meet us later."
That's not an opening line, honey. That's a closing line.