Thursday, July 16, 2009

Cosmocking: August '09!

Ah, now I'm back in the comfort zone. Katy Perry on the cover! All I know about Katy Perry is that she kissed a girl and she liked it, and big whoop! A gajillion chicks kiss girls and like it, honey, don't act like you invented it! Her outfit could not be worn in public without extraordinary amounts of double sticky tape!

The Mars company has introduced its first new candy bar in 20 years, and it targets women. The hot pink package contains two 85-calorie bars, and they're calling it Fling. Just don't tell your guy you had one at the office.
It makes sense that low-calorie means woman food, because women are pretty fat. Just look at their collective bodies, for chrissakes. That gender is headed straight to porkerville.

When a guy says he doesn't know why you're mad at him, deep down, he does.
Oh God Cosmo. Why would you do this? The consequences could be hideous!

Anyway, the "guess why I'm mad" game is moronic whether he can or not. Grownups use their words.

A guy's lying if he says he doesn't manscape.
There are more guys between heaven and earth, Cosmo, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. And some of those guys, well, you could shear them and make a sweater.

["guy poll" results] What girlie look do you most go for?
The girl next door: casual, not a ton of makeup, ponytail -- 76.1%
...The fashion plate: cutting-edge outfit, the latest haircut, trendy handbag -- 6.9%

This is only funny because it comes after sixty pages of ads and editorial on how to become the fashion plate.

Get Hit On All the Time
This article is great. I'd type up the whole thing if I could. It's a big list of body language moves--hilarious when performed together--that you should do while sitting alone at a bar or party so guys will come up to you. Dangle a shoe off your toe! Cradle your boobs! Expose your throat! Drop your chin! (Those two weren't sequential in the original list.) Make an "OK" sign over your crotch! Lean on the bar! Point your belly button at the guy you want! Expose your wrists!

The one thing that isn't on the list is pointing your face at the guy you want, and subtly using your lips and tongue--this is proven by expert research, it has to do with brain hemispheres and pheremones--to freakin' talk to him.

Going to dinner with your guy usually means forking over a lot of dough... unless you feast on complimentary samples. Head to a grocery store that gives out nibblers (Costco, Trader Joe's, Whole Foods). Then hit up a wine shop during a tasting night. For dessert, stop by an ice-cream parlor and ask to try a bunch of flavors.
Cosmo, the magazine for... hobos?

Think about the hottest days of summer, when you're walking around and your thighs stick together--that's pretty much what it feels like for your guy when he tries to enter you when you're not wet. And psychologically, dryness can have an even more negative and traumatizing effect on his libido.
Well, the poor dear! I didn't realize this was all about him! I guess I never realized how uncomfortable it was for him because I was too distracted by all the agonizing pain!

(Also: boxer shorts.)

Q: A few months ago, my boyfriend brought up the idea of role-playing, and I was into it. At first we kept our roles generic, but the other night, he suggested we be my friend and her boyfriend. I said that would freak me out, and to his credit, be backed off. But does this mean he's thinking about my friend when he's having sex with me?
A: Ya think?

If a girl has it all going on--an incredible job, a hot boyfriend, countless pairs of killer shoes--it's easy to resent her so much that you refuse to be her friend. If you were a wolf, you'd know that was a big mistake. The alpha wolf may be top dog, but he always has a beta wolf who serves as his number two. In return, the beta gets the best food, the right to mate with the hottest females, and respect from all the other wolves.
Well, that's very comforting, except that actually alpha wolves don't let anyone else mate. The beta wolf may have the best odds of sneaking something behind the alpha's back, but now we're taking the metaphor to new and fascinating places.

(Also, the alpha-beta-omega model of wolf packs was based on captive packs of unrelated individuals and it turns out that in the wild, wolf packs are more often families in which the "alphas" are the mom and dad and the subordinates are their offspring. And the subordinates avoid breeding not because of hierarchy but because they're waiting to do that after they split off from the pack and meet an unrelated wolf. But now I don't know what the metaphor is saying except you shouldn't have sex with your relatives.)

[On opening lines.] "It's really loud here--let's go someplace quieter to talk. My friends can meet us later."
That's not an opening line, honey. That's a closing line.


  1. I thank God that my wife doesn't read that crap!

    As I watch my almost-teen son interact with his "girlfriend" (changing nearly every day, it seems) and his friends, I really wonder what goes through their heads that makes them act as they do - all the little mind games, the "trading up to get to XXXXXX by making him jealous" or "trading down because I felt sorry for you" stuff. Geez!

    If that fluff you quote is actually from Cosmo and is read by many women, no wonder couples have trouble maintaining relationships or marriages now-a-days!

    I have followed your blog for a while now, and I realize that you "Cos-mock" for fun and stress relief, but I seem to return on a regular basis for your style of calling feelings or urges for what they are - hunger, horny, sleepy, whatever. No games, no mind twists.

    Stiff Man*

    *(refers to my health problems, not a perverted nickname)

  2. You know another reason the whole alpha/beta wolf thing is bullshit? BECAUSE THEY'RE FUCKING WOLVES!!! Imagine, for a moment, the type of person who's reading that and nodding their head as if to say, "Gosh, that makes perfect sense." I understand that there are some parallels between the social dynamics of animals and people (we ain't nothing but mammals), but at a certain point we have to allow ourselves to use the human intellect that developed through all those years of evolving (or that god gave us, if you prefer that). Maybe that hot chick with all the shoes is a genuinely nice person and the two of you would be great friends. Maybe she sucks. Either way, it's not cool for you to be all envious and resentful, pretending to be her friend in the hopes that she'll see fit to throw you some scraps.

    Sorry to go off like that...must be the alpha wolf in me.

  3. Okay, why am I lying to my husband (my husband, damnit, not 'my guy', he's not a goddamn pet) about eating candy at the office? Does he honestly give a shit? This is the person who can blow through a half-gallon of Rocky Road in one day and I'm supposed to feel guilty about a candy bar?

    Fuck that.

  4. "Dryness can have a negative effect on the libido"? Well, yeah, because it means she's not into it. And that's no fun at all.

  5. Aebhel - It's supposed to be an awesome joke about "Honey, I had a Fling at the office." Hee-larious, right?

  6. I guess I'm just not clever enough for Cosmo.

  7. Saying your friends will meet you later may send the wrong signal.

  8. Maybe I'm out of touch, but WTF is "manscape."

    As for the candy bar - they're simply targeting their audience. You don't advertise steak at a PETA convention. Women (right or wrong) are more obsessed about weight. sure, it's social conditioning, but does that make it wrong for a company to capitalize on it? Who does Apple market to?

    And seriously... make an "OK" sign over your crotch? That is outstanding.

    I mean, now that I think about it, if a woman did that I'd probably go talk to her, but it wouldn't be because I was subtly drawn to her. It would be because I would have to know what the hell she meant by that. "Vag is OK with me"? "You must be this big to enter"?

  9. When a guy says he doesn't know why you're mad at him, deep down, he does.

    No, really, when I say something, it's because I mean it. And if you're going to act like a three year old, stamping your foot and glaring at me, but refusing to tell me what's actually wrong, I'm going to go work on my car and ignore you.

    Then, at least, I'll know one reason you're mad at me... ;)

    GoGoZRX: "Manscaping" -- Trimming of the male pubic thatch.

  10. What does this "ok" sign over my crotch mean? "There's a hole down there"? "Ok to enter"? "My vag is disease-free"? I'm confused.

    The bit on getting free samples instead of paying for things is hilarious given the number of times Cosmo has had princesses complaining about their dates using coupons.

    "that's pretty much what it feels like for your guy when he tries to enter you when you're not wet"--Well, why the hell is he trying to enter me if I'm not wet? Better yet, why am I in bed with him if he's not paying attention?

  11. "When a guy says he doesn't know why you're mad at him, deep down, he does."

    For real? Sometimes I really do think this magazine was written by 12 year olds.

  12. WTF is Manscape? I think I live in a different world from these people.

  13. On rereading, I now wonder: ladies, is a dearth of random guys hitting on you a common problem?

  14. Hershele - There's a dearth of attractive, appropriately aged, single, intelligent, considerate guys randomly hitting on us, yeah. But I don't know any secret body postures that target those.

  15. Just wanted to say I totally referenced you. Love it.