Sunday, November 29, 2009

Accepting pain.

I love pain, but I can be kind of a finicky masochist, because I also hate pain. That is, it turns me on, but it hurts like a motherfucker. And unless I'm very turned on--as in, getting pretty close to coming--it doesn't really cancel out. Getting to the pleasure means either toughing it out, or having a top who understands and is comfortable with the idea that "ow" isn't a safeword. I'm a masochist... but I'm a masochist who has to push herself. I'm okay with that.

So it deeply weirds me out to see someone who doesn't have this same conflict. I was playing with a guy and every time I hurt him he just smiled and got harder. There was no tension in his muscles, no gritted teeth in his smile. He really just liked it. Not "I hate it but I love it" like me--straight up.

It was weird. And amazing. And in a way almost scary because I didn't know how far I could go. I was doing things to his cock that made me wince and he just grinned and urged me on. There was no pain in his pleasure. It was like magic.

I don't know if I'm jealous. I kinda take pride in my ow-mmm-ow brand of masochism, or at least I'm used to it. But I'm awed.


  1. I know what you mean. This last week was my birthday, and, conveniently, two of my out-of-town lovers (who also have their own completely separate Ds relationship) were in town for Thanksgiving. And some of the things S. was enjoying having R. do to her were just vicious...

    Which is ironic, because when R. and I are alone we tend to use fistfights to determine who gets to be on top. Also, as foreplay. ;)

  2. *peers intently at perlhaqr*
    ... I suddenly laugh because I am pretty sure I read R's writeup of that scene.
    *watches the universe go foldy-fold again*

  3. Um, wow. It's a very small world, apparently...

  4. It's a large world -- but densely linked

  5. You think that's weird, I was able to read that conversation because when I saw that presumed-R was both discussing kink with my boss's wife and had the little brother I adopted in high school on friendslist that was too weird a universe-foldy for me not to say "Hi!" to.

    (Last time the R I'm thinking of was in Boston we had tea.)