Monday, November 16, 2009

Cosmocking: December '09!

White cover! I always like the white covers, they're so much nicer than the ridiculous screaming-neon-colors ones! Fergie! Right after Kim Kardashian, too! Cosmo's really classing it up here! The word "SEX" is in 45-point type, I measured! Fergie is so Photoshopped her neckline appears to be hovering in a totally different plane of reality from her chest!


Also, she is the Joker.

Hm, as long as I've got the scanner out, I think I'm gonna save myself some typing on this one.


This is a common theme in Cosmo "embarrassing stories"--as soon as something goes wrong, no matter how minor, the object of your affection will just fucking vanish. There's no laughing it off and there's not even any words you can say--they just back out in open-mouthed horror like they walked in on you fucking the dog.

I've had guys continue to mack on me after they've watched me vomit (CB, wherever you are, you are a true man's man), so if a little thing like hair extensions takes him from 60 to 0, he has some serious "DOES NOT MEET MAH STANDARDS" issues. It's also pretty harsh to ditch a girl for wearing cosmetics--obviously a girl with no cosmetics isn't appealing to this type, so what the fuck was she supposed to do? I guess she's supposed to create an illusion of natural perfection and seamlessly maintain it.

Meanwhile he's supposed to wash his face and maybe shave.


Gosh, what's in it for me then? Faking arousal for his benefit while I sit there with my pants on sticking my fingers in a jar of grape jelly for the sound effects is something I'd do for $1.99/minute, but it's not something I'd do in a relationship. Partly because, shit, I'll masturbate in front of anyone who won't call the cops about it--but also because being dishonest about something like that would make me feel all hollow and weird. What's the point of having a sexual relationship if it isn't genuinely sexual for both of us?


"Subtly."

"GET A ROOM, HUMPASAURUS REX!"


I'm not sure if this advice is terrible or not, but I do know that it's classy as fuck.


This is so, as Twisty would say, pornulated. And it brings up the "what, am I getting paid?" issue again. If I'm groping my own breasts during sex, it's because they're fucking aching for it and touching them feels so fucking good. Or because he likes seeing me like that, don't you, you naughty boy. But I don't do it to make him think that he's sexy. (Doesn't that imply that he's actually not?)


There's a whole article on the noises men make during sex. The frustrating part is, after every category--the grunter, the moaner, etc., "your move" is how to get him to stop! Why the fuck would I want to do that? It's primal, it's beautiful, and it means he fucking loves it! The article is written as if my partner's ecstasy is some sort of petty annoyance to me.


And they say Cosmo isn't topical.

15 comments:

  1. First : One of the reasons I like reading your blog, you speak your mind and have a great way of expressing yourself.

    Second : High risk habit? Your partner has it, you are going to get it. Position doesn't matter twits.

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  2. Dan: Maybe Cosmo's suddenly decided to start catering to readers who like to hook up for 10-minute quickies with strangers and no kissing? :)

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  3. If a male friend was dragged away by his girlfriend for sex, I don't think "impressed" would describe my reaction. "Befuddled," maybe. I don't really care how good my platonic friends, male or female, are in bed, and I'm not impressed that my "brah" got himself a needy, clingy girlfriend.

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  4. You just don't understand primitive male psychology like Cosmo does. You see, the boyfriend is mostly with the girlfriend as a way of demonstrating his machismo to his buddies. They spend all their time when she's not around talking about how much sex they're having, and he probably lies about it to make himself feel better.

    So if she pretends to be overcome with lust when she's not, she makes herself a part of his deception of his buddies . . . . and that shows that she truly loves him.

    It's not that complicated when you understand the tripod on which male psychology rests:
    1. Self-deception and deception of others to maintain an impossible self-image.
    2. Primitive crudeness, tempered by crude primitiveness.
    3. Delicate ego.

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  5. Hershele - I'd mostly be befuddled if she was making a big "can't wait to GET HIM HOME, wink wink nudge nudge" deal about it. Yeah, you're his girlfriend, you have sex, I kinda get it. We're not in high school, it's not amazing any more.

    Don - Oh, I get that part; what I don't get is why I, as the girlfriend, should care. It seems like all I get out of indulging his ego is... the opportunity to indulge his ego some more. If I can't even relax and enjoy myself when we're having sex, I just don't know when I get mine.

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  6. I was actually talking to Hershele . . . . but I guess it's ALL ABOUT YOU!
    :)

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  7. Like the bit about the hair weaves. Dad grabbed for a thief in our house, got a handful of weaves.

    I actually pulled a blonde wig off a girl in mid passion, to find out she'd been shaved bald as part of a drumming out ceremony in a sorority. (I thought the frats played rough!) I just laughed it off, and insisted she park the wig before sex.

    Am I the only one who finds the Bene Gesserit in Dune to be very hot?

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  8. Hershele OstropolerNovember 17, 2009 at 8:49 AM

    I guess I'm a failure as a man, then, for not minding that my girlfriend has thoughts other than sex with me.

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  9. The "High-Risk Behavior" bit has to be one of the stupidest things I've ever seen. Ever. First of all--as someone above me has already pointed out--if you're THAT close to someone with the flu, you're most likely going to get sick no matter which direction you're facing. Secondly, if you've ever had the real flu (and not just some form of rhinovirus that you decided to refer to with the pet name "the flu"), you know that doing anything more strenuous than walking to the bathroom is pretty agonizing--as fun as sex is, it's probably not on your mind and, frankly, you'd be hard-pressed to BE sexy with all that gunk coming out of your every orifice.

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  10. *delurks* My personal favorite was the "Guy Love Diaries" on page 128.

    "Can't resist Internet porn. A quick session is my version of a cigarette break. I'll hold off on climaxing so I'm still all juiced up for her. Sara watches porn with me once in a while; it gets her hot and gives us both new ideas. But she doesn't like that I take care of "business" by myself. She wants to be the sole pleasure giver, and it makes her feel excluded"

    HA. HA HA HA. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

    "Two hot young girls are making out with each other on the street outside the bar. I canot even explain how hot this makes me. I'm so riled up. I walk outside for a better view.

    "'Come here,' they say, wanting me to join in. I say, 'Not tonight ladies, but please continue.' I walk away."

    GOOD. JUST A MOMENT WHILE I GO THROW UP.

    "Lunch. Crispy pork with watermelon. Sara loves to eat as much as I do, and she is tiny. Love a girl who eats!"

    REMEMBER GIRLS! NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SKINNY, YOU CAN'T STARVE YOURSELVES! YOU MUST EAT AND THEN SPEND MONEY ON MIRACLE CURES TO GET THE WEIGHT BACK OFF! BEING SKINNY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH! YOU MUST BE SKINNY AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE WEIGHT-LOSS INDUSTRY!

    "Breakfast at the diner. It's awesome that Niki will actually eat in front of me. It shows that she can be herself and isn't trying to impress me with carb counting and a low-red-meat diet. Don't get me wrong--she is in phenomenal shape. [...] Guys want to be with a woman who is real and picking at a dry salad reads as phony. Men also fear that they will marry a gorgeous girl and then a couple of years later, she'll let herself go and put on 100 pounds. If you're not eating in front of him, he's nervous about what might happen when you do let your guard down later on."

    EXCUSE ME. I MUST GO THROW UP AGAIN, BOTH OUT OF DISGUST, AND SO I CAN APPEAL TO A MAN.

    I'm sorry for the fact that all my comments are caps-locked. I'm just...so...ARGHHHHHHHH.

    I will delurk again in the future and leave a less-angry comment since I do enjoy the parts of your blog that aren't Cosmo-related!

    -Andrea

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  11. Andrea - I like it. Sometimes caps lock is cruise control for THIS IS SO FREAKIN' STUPID.

    I don't think it's about "miracle cures" though, I think you're just supposed to naturally have an eat-and-be-thin metabolism. As with the hair extensions--you're expected to naturally grow perfect hair! Just beautiful doesn't cut it anymore; effortlessly beautiful, straight from the genetics, is the new black.

    Fortunately, most real people don't think that way--every boyfriend worth a damn (and some that weren't) has seen me on two hours of sleep with my hair tangled and a stuffy nose and a horrible breakout and not given a good goddamn. Perfection is for Photoshoppers and maybe a few really rich people in New York or something. The rest of us like each other just fine.

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  12. Still laughing at "humpasaurus rex"!!!

    Cosmo is so fuckin' lame. I saw one whose cover said "Discover the erogenous zone that most women don't even know about!" I flipped to that story and the amazing top-secret pleasure centre is...............a woman's nipples.

    I swear to god I am not making this up.

    Another Cosmo article contained sex tips to try on a guy. One of them was to put a glazed donut on his penis and eat it off. Have the writers ever seen or spoken to a naked man?!?! Have the ever even seen a DONUT!? 1) the hole in the middle of a donut would not accommodate an erection. 2) gnashing your teeth together right near a guy's junk is probably not going to be sexy for him and 3) even if the first two things weren't a factor, you know that sugar glaze stuff is gonna flake off in itchy, sharp-edged pieces that he'll be finding in his pubes and scrotum for days.

    Another hot sex tip--I think in the same article as the donut thing--was to lay him on his stomach, give him a massage while straddling him, and then "make love to his back." Meaning: hump his tailbone until you have an orgasm. I can't help noticing that this act is about six inches north of being a simulated assfucking. Something tells me that's not going to go over too well with a lot of guys.

    (FYI I'm mocking homophobes here, not the actual practice of assfucking. I think assfucking is swell.)

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  13. Oooh, I just discovered there's a whole CATEGORY of blog posts here that tear apart Cosmo's bullshit. [Reads furiously]

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  14. We gave you a shout-out in our "Cosmo Quickies" blog because you noticed totally different messed-up things in this month's issue than we did. Good job! :)

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  15. "There's a whole article on the noises men make during sex. The frustrating part is, after every category--the grunter, the moaner, etc., "your move" is how to get him to stop! Why the fuck would I want to do that? It's primal, it's beautiful, and it means he fucking loves it! The article is written as if my partner's ecstasy is some sort of petty annoyance to me."

    Well since *you* don't enjoy sex, presumably it would be annoying if your partner did. Which really raises an interesting question that Cosmo never seems to answer: WHY HAVE SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE? Because men love it, and women need a man? If the man's not for sex, WHY DOES SHE NEED A MAN? It all is just very confusing to me.

    Also I don't swear because it's in porn. I watch porn with the sound off (ugh those fake noises and grunts just make me feel ill)

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