Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sometimes I Forget.

Being indignant or snarky is easy. Being sincere is hard. When you're not on the offense or defense, you're vulnerable. But I don't intend to embroider "Born To Criticize" on my jacket. Criticism is important, but only if you remember what it is you're fighting for.

I saw an old friend the other day and he helped me remember. What I'm defending is joy. There were so many moments when my heart was pounding in my ears and my skin was alive with pleasure. My whole body was human and animal and real. For just an instant, life was perfect.

I used to be more concerned with the physical than I am now, I think. I couldn't honestly tell you much about his penis. It was... penis-shaped? They're not that different from each other. I could tell you a lot more about his eyes. They did that intense, animal thing men's eyes do when they're completely lost in pleasure. I don't know if seeing that look is a "right" or if it's always right--I just know that I love it. Right or wrong I'd fight for it.

And oh, he beat me up. He beat me up good. It was in that sweet spot where I don't have to struggle with managing pain, it's just all good. When I'm halfway to coming already and all my skin is so sensitive. You can just stroke me on the neck and it's almost too much.

We fell asleep together, for a little while. It was an uncomfortable position but a perfect rest. When we woke up we had sex again. He was stroking me over my entire body the whole time.

Sex is awesome, that's what I'm trying to say and that's what I should never forget. When I say that misogyny or misandry or homophobia or misinformation or repression or manipulation or whatnot is wrong, that's because they are in one way or another the enemies of joyful, mutual, safe, free sexuality. I won't let anyone tell me that sex is fine the way it is or that it's not important. Sex needs fighting for, and I want to do it.

Off this blog, of course it's harder, mostly because it's awkward using myself as a counter-example. Answering "perverts are messed up" with "hey, I like to get beat up and just last week I was sucking a man's cock while he twisted the clothespins on my nipples, and I'm fine" is bound to come off... weird. Even without gory details, self-identifying as a pervert and a slut is pretty hard to do in the real world. I find myself hiding behind flimsy rationalizations, saying things like "well, people will have sex anyway" instead of "well, people should have sex anyway because it's awesome."

It is, though. That's not dirty or trivial, not something that ought to always be subordinate to "serious concerns." Sexual pleasure matters. Telling women to be abstinent instead of using condoms is wrong because it'll lead to pregnancies and STDs, yes, but it's also wrong because it'll lead to them having less good sex than they could. That, in itself, is wrong.

It's not enough to say that sexual concerns are important because they relate to feminism or libertarianism or public health or whatnot. Sex itself is important.


  1. "it could also lead to less good sex and [ ] that is wrong."

    I couldn't agree more. In addition to the simple "sex is sinful" mantra I also internalized "sex ruins friendships." I now have friends in my circle that I've known for over 20 years. At gatherings and whatnot we often laugh about our "missed opportunities." But would really have destroyed these friendships? Really? Or would they have been closer for the shared intimacy? Or have more fun or funny memories of a shared moment of exploration and discovery? Or, as you put it, a shared joy?

    People's interests and circumstance change as time moves forward and some chances just don't come back for a variety of good and not-so-good reasons. C'est la vie. But seriously, we were robbed.

  2. Ivey - I don't know your friends, but unfortunately, sex sometimes does mess up friendships. (And sometimes it doesn't. I'm still friends with lots of people I've had sex with.) But people sometimes get weird about it.

    I think this comic explains.

  3. Huh. It _is_ easy to forget, isn't it? Whatever our individual "things" may be, we tend to get more motivated to write by the stuff that pisses us off about that subject, and it can drown out the _love_ behind it.

  4. Holly -- LOL on the comic and thanks for the link.

    I probably should've made the point better that ANY friendship that survives vibrant and intact for a couple of decades probably had a lot of great stuff going for it in the first place and has already survived some pretty challenging ups and downs.

    And yes, sex sometimes did mess up a friendship or two, but it didn't HAVE to as a straightforward cause and effect. It's more likely that the real culprit in the "sex screwed it all up" situations could've been solved with more realistic expectations and better self-awareness in the first place.

  5. "Sex itself is important."

    Yes. Yes, it is. I wish more people agreed with us, openly, rather than feeling secretly guilty about it.

  6. "Being indignant or snarky is easy."

    Oh, yeah? You try doing it before sunrise every single day. :p