Monday, January 11, 2010

Cosmocking: February '10! (Part One!)

Lavender cover! Anna Faris! Her dress is a little small and has weird boob-stripes but the fabric looks super nice, I bet you could've made a great dress out of that fabric! Size of the word "SEX" on the cover: 76 point! Also 28 point, in another place! Because just one "SEX" isn't nearly enough!

Now let's take a moment to recognize what's not in this issue of Cosmo: any acknowledgement that anyone disagreed with the part in that last issue where they advised a woman to stay with and confront a blatant potential abuser. Every one of the reader letters they printed was fawning. Also written with an eerily similar word choice and sentence structure to the editorial content. Cosmo's so delightfully self-contained. I wouldn't be shocked to discover they write a year's worth at once and just dole 'em out over the next twelve months.

Prime-Time Lesbians: Is your guy suddenly a couch potato? We bet it has to do with all the girl-on-girl love on TV. Christine Woods seeks a female soul mate on FlashForward, and Katie Cassidy has kissed more than one brunet on Melrose Place.
Fun fact: lesbians were originally designed to arouse women with their sexuality. Just some wacky backwards trivia for you.

Also, "brunet" is masculine, "brunette" is feminine. FYI.

Sexy: [picture of Robert Pattinson]
Skanky: [picture of Billy Idol]

Oh Lord, there's an article by a PUA teacher. Oh Lord. PUA in Cosmo. What have we done to deserve this?
Before you write me off as a pickup artist and my students as sleazebags, hear me out--because it's often the guys with the least game who are the most worthwhile.
If a guy can't talk to me like a normal person--whether because he's laying on the "game" with a trowel or because he "can't talk to girls" as well as he can to humans--than I have to assume he doesn't think I'm a normal person, so he's definitely not worthwhile.

After dinner, we go "in-field" to a nearby bar so the guy can take what they've learned and practice it. More often than not, women shoot them down immediately. Of course, that's justifiable if they're trying too hard or [...] not hard enough. But sometimes they're rejected because they're a little nervous.
What am I, a fucking Olympic judge? I don't award or deduct style points. Deciding whether I want to be intimate with someone is a fuzzy process and it has a lot more to do with whether he makes us feel like an "us" (even for casual sex) than with difficulty, execution, and artistic presentation.

You know, I don't really like shooting guys down. It's awkward, it makes me feel guilty because I know rejection hurts, and it doesn't get me laid. Sometimes I feel like I have to be blunt with a guy whose appearance or personality doesn't do it for me, but I never want to play Missile Command with men's egos.

(Except PUAs. With them it's just funny. I know it only makes them bitterer but I have no mercy on PUAs.)

So next time you're approached, think about how hard it is for a guy to put himself out there. Give the less-than-perfect pickup a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great men than ever.
This is rich coming from a cult that always promises "how to pick up beautiful women." I don't see a lot of PUA instructors telling their disciples "give the mousy girl with a few love handles a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great women than ever."

Also, seriously, are there really bars out there where women set up booths with take-a-ticket machines and men line up to audition? It seems a lot more mutual in most places I hang out. I start conversations with lots of guys and it's not like this weird backwards thing. Of course sometimes we just end up conversing and that's all, and that's terrible because it means he loses the game. Who wants a bitch for her conversation, sheesh.

To give your bubbies a lift, slip silicone cutlets into your bra. Going braless? Try NuBra adhesive inserts.
Although I sometimes feel insecure about my breasts, I never wear "cutlets" or anything of the sort, because when I'm dressing up sexy I generally hope to get laid. That's the point of it, right? When I'm getting the girls all propped up and decked out it's because I'm meeting a man or I want to meet one. And if all goes well, I'm going to take that bra off, and I don't want a couple of cutlets falling on his thighs. Putting embarrassing gadgets on my boobs seems like I'm making a commitment to go home alone.


Q: My armpit skin is darker than the rest of my skin. Is there a way to lighten it?
A: Médecins Sans Frontières provides emergency medical care for millions of people in situations of war or desperate poverty. They treat victims of violence, epidemics, malnutrition, and natural disasters who have no other resources for medical assistance. A donation of as little as $30 can provide a basic medical supply kit that will save lives.

Please keep this in mind when I tell you that the solution to the armpit problem costs $2.50/oz.

Try Skype sex. Keep your camera pointed above your shoulders, so he sees just your O face.
That's totally not where he told me to point the camera. It's one thing to keep it above my shoulders at first, maybe even for a bit after he asks to see the rest of me (but it's hard when he asks so nice...), but by the time we're down to O faces we shouldn't still be teasing. Tease has to give way to passion eventually. Even on Skype.

While out, lick the neck of a beer bottle the way you plan on licking him later.
Classy as fuck.

(Weird confession: I actually do sometimes give beer bottles blowjobs, just because it feels cool and makes me giggle. I do this in the privacy of my own home and feel like a dork even talking about it.)

Postorgasm, gently squeeze his testicles. It'll give him a sexy aftershock.
I'm not a dude so I don't know, but this sounds acutely unpleasant.

Have him fold his tongue like a taco and put it inside you. Then have him flatten it out.
Fun fact: only about sixty percent of men can do this. It's genetic! Funner fact: I can't imagine this really feeling like anything.

Set your cellphone alarm for 3 AM, and then wake him for a quickie.
And on this entirely practical and considerate gem, we end part one. This issue was so ripe (and my time so limited, because it's getting late and some of us have to work in the morning, honey) that there's going to be an entire part two soon. I just can't miss out on giving "Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into A Girlie Man?" its full due.

Tune in soon for the exciting conclusion!


  1. I dunno about other guys, but I really don't want my balls played with post orgasm. They are generally drawn up rather tightly together, and a "gentle squeeze" is likely to be a bit unpleasant.

    I may be an odd one, but in general I dont like my balls messed with at all; unless she's really into oral and caught up in the moment.. in which case, she could be biting my thumbnail and it would be sexy.

  2. Oh and the 3am quickie? Yeah no. I like being woken up with a BJ as much as the next guy, and sleepy slow comfy sex is great... but being woken up in the middle of the very early morning is not comfy, and not sexy. Sleepysex good, groggy sex bad.

  3. The PUA are a result of the arms race between women who have been conditioned to act treat dating like a game and men who want to fuck them. I know that not all women, or perhaps not most women, act like that. But enough do to the point where this kind of thing seems valid to some men.

    It is an unfortunate state of affairs, and one I refuse to participate in.

  4. Keith - The problem is, PUAs try to pull that shit on women who aren't playing a game. I think a lot of women get accused of playing games when they're actually not interested. And a lot of men fall back on "just playin' the game, baby" when in fact they're being manipulative dirtbags.

    I don't know about all the women out there, but I sure as hell don't want to play a game where I "win" by going home alone.

  5. Some women do play really horrible games, I should mention that, I'm not trying to say it's all the evil men's fault. I'm saying it's the fault of anyone who responds to the vulnerability and frustration of seeking a mate by dehumanizing and manipulating their potential mates. Men and women do that, in different ways, and it's wrong on both sides.

  6. If I have sex at 3 AM, it's because we haven't gone to bed yet.

  7. Wait, what? Robert Pattinson is sexier than Billy Idol?

    Now they're just fucking with us.

  8. The ball-squeezing "tip" reminded me of this.

  9. The best part, or worst part, of the whole thing is that Cosmo is actually contributing to the PUA problem via the material that they print.

  10. I'd take Billy over Rob any day.

    Just sayin'

  11. I don't see a lot of PUA instructors telling their disciples "give the mousy girl with a few love handles a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great women than ever."
    A local PUA lost a lot of his disciples when they found out he was "going ugly early" -- i.e., making out with an 8- before striking out with every 9+ (numerical rankings are very important to PUAs).

  12. Ha ha! I asked my boyfriend the testicle question... He crossed his legs and said, "God, No! NO! NO!!! Don't ever do that! Why would you think of doing that?!"

    I said, "Cosmo!"

    He replied, "Cosmo is the devil."


  13. I am SO buying this issue for that article. As for the "ugly early" thing, I have found plenty of PUA gurus who are willing to argue that one's personal taste is the real arbiter, and (given the inflationary nature of the male ego) a "7" can range from "blends in on campus when dressed down with no makeup" to "girl-next-door-cute" to "has a modeling contract." Most of the effect is a result of a deliberate ideological choice. But what do I know? I date women who like my looks, rare as they may be.

  14. Dunno what bars the Cosmo idiots are going to, but I have yet to encounter a beer bottle that seemed clean enough to lick, much less blow. I usually start wondering what tetanus tastes like if I don't peel back the foil far enough. Yuck!

    The only guys who like having their balls mashed are the ones into CBT, and it's generally considered proper etiquette to ask first.

    I don't see a lot of PUA instructors telling their disciples "give the mousy girl with a few love handles a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great women than ever." DING DING DING!

  15. Well, all else being equal, the mousy girl with love handles is just as hard to "get" as the HB10, because she is equally determined not to settle. And if the locution is "give HER a chance", that means that she is already attracted and trying to be gotten, which is a different dynamic from male-initiated pick-up. If PUAs aren't "giving her a chance" that's another complaint of the "people-don't-want-what-they-don't-want, Wah" variety, which AFCs and Nice Guys are supposed to suck up and deal with all the time.

    I think the more interesting, conversational PUAs (like Zan and Juggler) are more interested in a woman's intangibles, but that's counter to the subculture. As being an awkward, nerdy guy is counter to the subcultures conventionally-beautiful model-like women create and live in.

  16. If a guy purposely woke up his sleeping girlfriend at 3am (using the alarm, no less!) to have sex with her, that would pretty much constitute abuse. But apparently when a woman does it to a guy it's okay.

    The more you know...

  17. Er ... waking up your partner at 3 AM and demanding sex is abusive regardless of the sexes involved. In the real world, waking your partner up at 3 and just making a move, like you were perfectly capable of doing four hours earlier, is at worst asshole behavior regardless of the sexes involved; in Cosmoland, men always want sex but are used to women doling it out in tiny, tiny increments, and so would find it delightfully novel to be woken up for sex at 3.

  18. (cont'd) In my world, I'm unemployed and my girlfriend is not, so the difference in appropriateness of my waking her up versus her waking me up should be evaluated on that basis.

  19. I know I'm seriously late to the party here, but does anyone see an Edward Cullen/Spike (from Buffy the Vampire Slayer) comparison in the RPattz/Billy Idol comparison?