Lavender cover! Anna Faris! Her dress is a little small and has weird boob-stripes but the fabric looks super nice, I bet you could've made a great dress out of that fabric! Size of the word "SEX" on the cover: 76 point! Also 28 point, in another place! Because just one "SEX" isn't nearly enough!
Now let's take a moment to recognize what's not in this issue of Cosmo: any acknowledgement that anyone disagreed with the part in that last issue where they advised a woman to stay with and confront a blatant potential abuser. Every one of the reader letters they printed was fawning. Also written with an eerily similar word choice and sentence structure to the editorial content. Cosmo's so delightfully self-contained. I wouldn't be shocked to discover they write a year's worth at once and just dole 'em out over the next twelve months.
Prime-Time Lesbians: Is your guy suddenly a couch potato? We bet it has to do with all the girl-on-girl love on TV. Christine Woods seeks a female soul mate on FlashForward, and Katie Cassidy has kissed more than one brunet on Melrose Place.
Fun fact: lesbians were originally designed to arouse women with their sexuality. Just some wacky backwards trivia for you.
Also, "brunet" is masculine, "brunette" is feminine. FYI.
Sexy: [picture of Robert Pattinson]
Skanky: [picture of Billy Idol]
Oh Lord, there's an article by a PUA teacher. Oh Lord. PUA in Cosmo. What have we done to deserve this?
Before you write me off as a pickup artist and my students as sleazebags, hear me out--because it's often the guys with the least game who are the most worthwhile.
If a guy can't talk to me like a normal person--whether because he's laying on the "game" with a trowel or because he "can't talk to girls" as well as he can to humans--than I have to assume he doesn't think I'm a normal person, so he's definitely not worthwhile.
After dinner, we go "in-field" to a nearby bar so the guy can take what they've learned and practice it. More often than not, women shoot them down immediately. Of course, that's justifiable if they're trying too hard or [...] not hard enough. But sometimes they're rejected because they're a little nervous.
What am I, a fucking Olympic judge? I don't award or deduct style points. Deciding whether I want to be intimate with someone is a fuzzy process and it has a lot more to do with whether he makes us feel like an "us" (even for casual sex) than with difficulty, execution, and artistic presentation.
You know, I don't really like shooting guys down. It's awkward, it makes me feel guilty because I know rejection hurts, and it doesn't get me laid. Sometimes I feel like I have to be blunt with a guy whose appearance or personality doesn't do it for me, but I never want to play Missile Command with men's egos.
(Except PUAs. With them it's just funny. I know it only makes them bitterer but I have no mercy on PUAs.)
So next time you're approached, think about how hard it is for a guy to put himself out there. Give the less-than-perfect pickup a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great men than ever.
This is rich coming from a cult that always promises "how to pick up beautiful women." I don't see a lot of PUA instructors telling their disciples "give the mousy girl with a few love handles a chance and, I promise, you'll end up meeting more great women than ever."
Also, seriously, are there really bars out there where women set up booths with take-a-ticket machines and men line up to audition? It seems a lot more mutual in most places I hang out. I start conversations with lots of guys and it's not like this weird backwards thing. Of course sometimes we just end up conversing and that's all, and that's terrible because it means he loses the game. Who wants a bitch for her conversation, sheesh.
To give your bubbies a lift, slip silicone cutlets into your bra. Going braless? Try NuBra adhesive inserts.
Although I sometimes feel insecure about my breasts, I never wear "cutlets" or anything of the sort, because when I'm dressing up sexy I generally hope to get laid. That's the point of it, right? When I'm getting the girls all propped up and decked out it's because I'm meeting a man or I want to meet one. And if all goes well, I'm going to take that bra off, and I don't want a couple of cutlets falling on his thighs. Putting embarrassing gadgets on my boobs seems like I'm making a commitment to go home alone.
Q: My armpit skin is darker than the rest of my skin. Is there a way to lighten it?
A: Médecins Sans Frontières provides emergency medical care for millions of people in situations of war or desperate poverty. They treat victims of violence, epidemics, malnutrition, and natural disasters who have no other resources for medical assistance. A donation of as little as $30 can provide a basic medical supply kit that will save lives.
Please keep this in mind when I tell you that the solution to the armpit problem costs $2.50/oz.
Try Skype sex. Keep your camera pointed above your shoulders, so he sees just your O face.
That's totally not where he told me to point the camera. It's one thing to keep it above my shoulders at first, maybe even for a bit after he asks to see the rest of me (but it's hard when he asks so nice...), but by the time we're down to O faces we shouldn't still be teasing. Tease has to give way to passion eventually. Even on Skype.
While out, lick the neck of a beer bottle the way you plan on licking him later.
Classy as fuck.
(Weird confession: I actually do sometimes give beer bottles blowjobs, just because it feels cool and makes me giggle. I do this in the privacy of my own home and feel like a dork even talking about it.)
Postorgasm, gently squeeze his testicles. It'll give him a sexy aftershock.
I'm not a dude so I don't know, but this sounds acutely unpleasant.
Have him fold his tongue like a taco and put it inside you. Then have him flatten it out.
Fun fact: only about sixty percent of men can do this. It's genetic! Funner fact: I can't imagine this really feeling like anything.
Set your cellphone alarm for 3 AM, and then wake him for a quickie.
And on this entirely practical and considerate gem, we end part one. This issue was so ripe (and my time so limited, because it's getting late and some of us have to work in the morning, honey) that there's going to be an entire part two soon. I just can't miss out on giving "Are You Turning Your Boyfriend Into A Girlie Man?" its full due.
Tune in soon for the exciting conclusion!