Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Fucking While Feminist.

The theme of the "Dating While Feminist" event is based on an interview Jacklyn Friedman gave on the subject of "Fucking While Feminist." (Despite the title, she's actually talking about dating, so the euphemism-shift isn't unreasonable.)

I have to admit, the part of the interview that jumped out at me first was:
I feel like the same thing happened with the guy I dated for two years. He liked the idea of being a guy who would be with someone like me, but ultimately it turned out that he wanted someone who wouldn’t challenge him as much, a person who was easier and quicker to sweep away. I got evidence of that when, within three months of breaking up with me, he was dating a 23 year old who lists her political views on Facebook as “moderate.”
Because I'm 24 years old, and I list my political views on Facebook as "moderate." So that's just funny.

But unintentionally on-the-nose insults inside, the gist of the interview is: how do you find a man who understands and agrees with feminism, and also makes you all squishy in your panties?

The good news is, for me, the two are increasingly the same damn thing. Lately, I've been finding that a guy who acts creepy or disrespectful about women shuts down the panty-squish so fast that it's not even a question. I believe that seeing women as people is the first step in really understanding what turns women on. Something as ridiculously self-evident as "touch her on the vagina" is often beyond the comprehension of guys who are expecting a Madonna or whore, an enigma or fucktoy, rather than a horny human being.

A couple of guys were shocked that I like to play various games in bed, because I’m a feminist. That’s always really interesting to me. I’m always like, ‘Are you kidding me? The feminists I know are the craziest women in bed you can find!” Those are the moments where I feel like a one-woman feminist PR machine. I’m instructing the world one man at a time that feminists are really fun to sleep with.

The "feminists are good in bed" meme is kind of a tricky thing, because I never want to fall into making it sound like that's the point of feminism, or a reason to play along with the silly broads. But it's true, and it's not a coincidence. Feminist women don't worry that being wild in bed will tip them disastrously from Madonna to whore, and feminist men don't think that giving women pleasure is irrelevant or impossible.

How about being feminist, submissive, and dating? Actually, that makes it much easier. Sure, there are dominant guys out there who really think that all women should serve all men, but for the most part, being kinky makes you much more aware of how artificial and arbitrary dominant/submissive roles are. Most dominants are very aware that only subs are submissive, if you get my drift--that submission is a thing certain women (and men) deliberately take on, not any kind of natural state of the gender. Limits, negotiation, and communication are also huge things in BDSM--not only can you not assume a women is submissive, you can't assume a submissive wants a certain kind of sex or play. I'll take this any day over the usual vanilla assumption that sex is a "package deal" and that if any sex at all was agreed to, nothing short of anal has to be explicitly negotiated.

Ultimately, what makes a date "feminist"? To me, it's not politics or labels. It's the simple ability to treat women (and men!) like they're people. People who have their own thoughts, live their own lives, make their own choices, set their own limits, and deserve respect even when you don't understand or agree. If a guy can do that, I think it shows in a lot of what he says and does, and it makes him so fucking sexy.

8 comments:

  1. Good post.

    But I still think you're going to get people (even at this event, possibly) saying variants of "but HOW do you treat women (and men!) like they're people. People who have their own thoughts, live their own lives, make their own choices, set their own limits, and deserve respect even when you don't understand or agree... especially when they (read: you) want to be treated like a knife block?" (http://c0373252.cdn.cloudfiles.rackspacecloud.com/product-images/knife-block/knife-block_main.jpg) "The two just don't go together, you know!"

    For what it's worth, I do hope I'm wrong in my guess.

    Jack

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  2. Well, the important part is that Holly wants to be a knife block, not "women." It's more about me making choices than it is about me always making the "right" or even "most feminist" choices.

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  3. "Touch her on the vagina... then touch him on the penis."

    Terrible sex by any other name...

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  4. Hey man, better than not touching her on the vagina.

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  5. My problem isn't so much finding guys who are ok about feminism in general (at a very basic level), but it's about "my feminism" - a lot of them just don't understand about priviledge and I've had more conversations about my uncompromising attitude to my body hair than I care for.

    But yeah, guys who clearly are a long way from feminist are a massive turn-off. And guys who have a problem with me deciding exactly what I do with my body hair also turn me off - even if they think they're pro equaliy.

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  6. I find the same to be true as a straightish woman who leans toward the top/Dom side of things. Men who are not feminist will assume that there's ONE WAY that I like things, and that I crush men under my jackboots and secretly hate them, while (though the jackboots thing might be hot) I actually very much like men. Feminist sub/bottom men tend to have a little more nuance in their views of my sexuality.

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  7. That was Katie, sorry.

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  8. Hershele OstropolerJuly 29, 2010 at 10:52 AM

    I wish I could make it to Boston. I hope you start presentating regularly. Break a leg tonight!

    I believe that seeing women as people is the first step in really understanding what turns women on. Something as ridiculously self-evident as "touch her on the vagina" is often beyond the comprehension of guys who are expecting a Madonna or whore, an enigma or fucktoy, rather than a horny human being.
    Of course, one of the tenets of the whole Nice Guy/PUA/incel/whatthefuckever system is that it's pointless at best for a man to ask a woman what she wants, because:
    1. She doesn't know what she wants.
    2. She wouldn't tell him if she did.
    3. If a woman tells a man to do something and he does it, she loses all respect for him and won't sleep with him.

    All of which makes it difficult to determine what to do, in bed and also in the rest of life.

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