Friday, July 23, 2010

Saw.

I always think that being pregnant must be like the Saw movies.

"Hello Holly. I want to play a game. In your life you have sought larger and larger things to insert inside your body, but can you handle the truly large? Let's find out. Implanted inside your body there is a living organism. It will steadily grow larger inside you. You have nine months to find a way to get it out. Every option is painful, but you must choose. How much blood will you spill to stay alive?"

23 comments:

  1. And they say modern women aren't maternal :P

    Of course, there's always that story about the woman who had a calcified fetus sitting around in her uterus for, like, thirty years....

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  2. Aebhel - Oh man, that would be me. I wouldn't want to get an abortion or give birth; I'd just be yelling "leave it in! It's not doing any harm! just leave it in!"

    ...This is the same tactic I've taken with my wisdom teeth.

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  3. Haha. So right, there is no easy way out of that one.

    But! You of all people could probably pull off that "orgasmic birth." I read all about that when I was pregnant and my inital reaction was something like "erhuuuuuuuhhhh?????" even though I understood the theory behind it (same nerves and muscles involved in labor contractions as orgasmic ones, and I guess you could call it massive vaginal penetration).
    Natural childbirth did nothing to change that initial impression. :) So do keep that in mind if the time comes! I'd love to know if that's a really real thing.

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  4. Hole-y is a Butt SlutJuly 23, 2010 at 3:19 PM

    Butt Slut,

    Roissy has an article that shatters your delusions.

    Your projection that high confidence is attractive in women, is merely because women think that what women find attractive in men, is what men find attractive in women (confidence, muscles, a big jaw, hairy chest).

    Educated yourself by reading that.

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  5. I really want to know exactly what the Saw movies say about our society. I know there's an awful revelation there, aside from the "we're sick fucks" one...

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  6. @seitzk

    Nothing good. For torture PORN, there sure is a lot of boring plot and dialogue. We're untalented smut producers, at the very least.

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  7. Seitzk, I totally agree. I don't like any of that shit. I think it's fucked up that that kind of stuff is so mainstream (but omg, a naked boob, hide teh chillenz)! Sorry, off topic.

    But yeah, Holly, I pretty much feel the same way about babies: scary little fucks, aren't they?

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  8. Annnnnnd that is why I am never having children.

    --Andy

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  9. I realize I shouldn't feed the trolls, but I've had a bad day and I feel like tearing someone a new asshole.

    Dear Mr. Hole-y,

    There are many reasons I choose not to trust your expertise in the matter of sex.

    For one, Holly seems to enjoy an active sex life, while your right hand won't put out unless you give it an expensive dinner and a bouquet of roses first.

    For another, you seem impervious to evidence; that is, when given a poll that shows that men consider women most attractive around age 30, you declare it shows that women are delusional and think men are attracted to their hairy chests. This is not merely missing the point, Hole-y. In relation to you, the point is somewhere around the vicinity of the Crab Nebula.

    For a third, I could call you a bitter Cheetos-munching basement-dwelling all-your-WOW-characters-maxed-out loser who posts to blogs in between getting mommy to wash your underwear for you, since it's all crusty from your jerking off to anime characters since no real woman is perfect enough. However, I feel that it would be insulting the noble practitioners of this lifestyle, many of whom I am proud to consider my best friends, to count you among their number.

    Fourth, your deep insecurity and hatred of successful women, as shown by your childish insults of our hostess Holly, suggests to me that, by Occam's Razor, the problem is not that most men are unattracted to confident women. It is that you are unattracted to confident women, since they scare your balls so much they retreat into your spleen. Instead, you prefer a "hot" woman, the better to parade to your friends and assuage the creeping sense in your soul of the ultimate futility of your continued existence, to prop up your fragile and entirely undeserved sense of self-worth.

    For a fifth, well-muscled women are hot as fuck. A trait which, sadly, you will never get to experience.

    Sincerely,
    Ozy.

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  10. Ozy: I couldn't have said it better!! ;)

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  11. You know, giving birth isn't that bad. I actually enjoyed it, although I did not have an orgasmic birth. If you ever do have a baby, I would recommend reading some positive birth stories.

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  12. As of this morning, I firmly believe that Holly could easily manage an orgasmic birth.

    I am not sure, but strongly suspect, that she might ask the doctors to stuff the baby back in, so that she could have an additional round-trip (in, then back out) of stretched-to-the-max Canal Friction Joyfulness.

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  13. Ozy - You know what's awesome? Last night, I was reading your comment aloud while naked and covered in bruises and in a generally thoroughly-fucked state, and I got just to the part about "Holly seems to enjoy an active sex life" and the man responsible for my thoroughly-fucked state and I just cracked the fuck up.

    Living well is the best revenge and all that.

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  14. Holly-- that is awesome. I am glad I provoke laughter. :)

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  15. Ozy, aren't you a woman? If so, "Hole-y" probably wouldn't care that you think "well-muscled women are hot as fuck" (although I'm a guy and I agree with you!).

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  16. Ozy, you also forgot that Hole-y was quoting Roissy, who is OBVIOUSLY, you know, a credible and, uh...reliable source of information. In the same way that a root canal is fun and enjoyable.

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  17. Anon--I am. But I am a bisexual woman, so clearly I have input here. Except that Hole-y is probably convinced that (a) I don't exist except maybe as fodder for his jerkoff fantasies and (b) even if I did exist, I'd be lying to fuck with betas and instead I'm attracted to... cheesy pickup lines? getting insulted? giant fuzzy hats?

    Zombie--Roissy is a very credible and reliable source of information about the mating habits of 18- to 25-year-old outgoing conventionally-attractive women of average intelligence who go to clubs on a regular basis. It's just when he tries to generalize from that to OMGEVERYWOMANEVER that he starts getting ridiculous.

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  18. I've always thought it sounds a lot like "Alien", where something takes up parasitic residence and then busts its way out of your body...and kills you. Ick. No repro sex for me...it's purely a recreational activity!

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  19. Ozy - so, what you're saying is...like a root canal. ;)

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  20. Wait, Holly, are you trying to tell us you're pregnant?

    (Actually, I'm fairly certain you're not, or at least not as far along as the point where people typically tell strangers*, because I just saw the hatchet photo. Nice.)

    *A week or so before they can figure it out on their own

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  21. @hrithrith --

    We're using the hatchet to try to hold The Evil IN. It must not be allowed to escape! (cue ominous music)

    Jack

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  22. Perhaps not necessary to point this out, but you don't always get to choose.

    Although by the time the c-section was deemed necessary, I was pretty much in "do whatever the fuck you have to to get this thing out of me" land.

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  23. Hrithrith - I'm not 100% sure you could tell in the hatchet photo--I think I've got enough tummy to cover at least the first trimester. But no, I am not pregnant.

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