Saturday, July 3, 2010


When I was in middle and high school, I was neurotic about not exposing myself in the locker room. I'd go to the furthest darkest corner, face the wall, and do a complicated multi-step shimmy to take off one shirt as I was putting on the other, so exposure of my bra was absolutely minimized.

I know this sounds like yet another "Holly Pervocracy was a weird unpopular kid and that kind of explains a lot" post, but here's the funny part: I still do that. It's not as neurotic these days, but when I change in the locker room at work or a gym, I go out of my way to hide away and minimize my nudity.

I think this is, paradoxically, because I like being seen naked. Which I do; at play parties I'll take any excuse to walk around with my tits out. ("This is a play party" is sufficient excuse, really.) And of course I occasionally naked it up on the Internet. Being naked in front of people is both a sexual and a whee-fun thrill for me.

So my worry, in middle school and now, was never "they'll see my body and that's terrible." My worry was "they'll know that I like them seeing my body and that's terrible." It would both violate consent to use them for exhibitionism, and if I let up on my self-control--even just to act normally--I worried I would tip off my exhibitionism. The exposure of my tits was fine; the exposure of my sexuality is what I was desperate to hide.

("Exhibitionism" is a poor term here since I don't really have that fetish; I just sort of enjoy being seen by willing observers when I'm naked or having sex. I swear that's different. Somehow.)

Nudity is supposed to be okay in same-sex locker rooms because we've all got one, right? Well, we may all have the same body parts, but I still think I've got some things my co-undressers don't got, and that, not prudery, is why I still make a special point of wearing my biggest frumpiest underwear to work.


  1. (What Holly doesn't know is that her co-workers all have big frumpy underwear fetishes. Sssh!)

  2. Oh, that's fine. I just wouldn't want them to think I have a frumpderwear fetish.

  3. I'm the say way :D

  4. I have been swimming 4 days a week at a pool lately and find that I am very self aware of my nudity in the showers and must make a effort to NOT hide myself because it annoys me that I do.

  5. At the gym I still change in the washroom stall. I think I have two reasons...

    1) some small part of me is still afraid of being negatively judged while naked (like in primary school during gym class)

    2) I guess this is a bit egotistical but...well, I enjoy being desired in a sexual way (a lot!), and I think if someone in the dressing room saw me and liked what they saw, I would somehow know and then enjoy that they wanted me. Since I am now in a monogamous relationship, I would feel guilty about enjoying someone's desire for my naked body even though getting naked in a changing room is perfectly acceptable.

  6. ""Exhibitionism" is a poor term here since I don't really have that fetish; I just sort of enjoy being seen by willing observers when I'm naked or having sex. I swear that's different. Somehow."

    I'd believe you - it's possible to enjoy something without it fitting in any way into "fetish" - buuuut this:

    "Being naked in front of people is both a sexual and a whee-fun thrill for me."

    ... kind of undermines it. No, not a fetish in the narrow (psych) sense of "necessary to getting off", but "getting a sexual thrill from" doesn't exactly not count, either.

    Your kinks are your kinks, and you get to name them, so I'm not telling you you're wrong; mostly, I'm just curious about the difference you perceive. Possibly the "willing observers" part, since an awful lot of exhibitionists seem to get (at least some of) their kick from the reaction of observers who didn't expect it and may or may not be willing?

    Sunflower, exhibitionist with a consent fetish

  7. Sunflower - I'd say it's not a fetish because:

    A) It's not a super big deal to me. It's fun when I have the opportunity, but I've never been having sex in private and gone "darn I wish someone was watching this."

    B) Most exhibitionists in my experience want to be seen by unsuspecting non-pervert bystanders, whereas I would find that mortifying. I only want to be seen by people who want to see me.

  8. Well, that article gave me an erection.

    I think that, consider this is the internet and not a dressing room, you should post some pictures of you in your good underwear.

    I have to wank after so many of these articles that it's becoming time consuming, and having some pictures would considerably increase the efficiency of my pervocracy reading.

  9. I can't even tell if you're giving me shit or not.

    ...well, okay, clearly you are, but I can't tell what kind.

  10. Different anonymous above, if you want more photos, look at the "loving bodies" and "pictures" entries (see the "labels" list on the right). >_>

  11. Holly: I like point A - it draws a definite, and I think reasonable, distinction between "enjoy" and "kink on", one that could probably carry over to other instances of "is it or isn't it a fetish?"

    Point B, OTOH - yeah, so they do, and it makes me twitch. YKIOK and all that, and "being made to see something one doesn't want to see" isn't in the same league non-consent-wise as "being made to do something one doesn't want to do" - but I'll be damned if I accept that as a necessary quality for it "counting".