Friday, November 19, 2010

Cosmocking: December '10! Part Two!

Once more into the breach!

When blood flows into his shaft, the excess settles in the upper part of his thighs.
Oh God, there's more of this. Anatomy actually means something, Cosmo. It's not like sex and relationships where you can make up stuff that sorta sounds good and no one can technically call you wrong. Without even getting all smarty-pants know-it-all never-gets-laid on you, Cosmo, I'm just going to point out that men with erections are not known for their swollen red thighs.

Tickle his feet with your nipples: climb on top of him in reverse cowgirl position, then bend over until your nipples reach the tops of his feet.
Apparently when "your breasts called", this is what they wanted you to do. I would check the caller ID again.

Q: I enjoy watching porn online, but the content on a lot of sites is so hard-core, it turns me off. Do you have any female-friendly suggestions?
A: I have some softcore suggestions. I don't have any "female-friendly" suggestions, because there's three fucking billion of us and I think two or three of them might be individual humans who actually like different things.

I kept trying to come up with an absurd analogy for this one, like "can you recommend a food all women enjoy?" or "can you name a movie all women will like?", but every time I tried, I realized that a corresponding stereotype actually exists. Ugh.

Q: Using lube makes sex so much better for me, but my guy gets offended when I reach for it--it's like I'm saying he's not doing a good enough job on his own.
A: Jam his dick against your crotch--hard, his pain doesn't matter!--when he's completely flaccid. When he objects, throw a shitfit about how he's calling you inadequate by implying that he was soft.

Cosmo's answer is that you should claim you need lube because he's so darn big, or, if that's not plausible, to use lube during foreplay for fingering or handjobs so it'll still be there when you fuck. That's not sex advice, that's survival tactics.

[If your friend passes out drunk] Since her life may be in jeopardy, your only option is to call 911 for an ambulance pronto. While you wait for the EMTs to arrive, check her vital signs for two minutes. Use the first minute to see if she's taking between 12 and 18 breaths, then check to see if her pulse measures between 80 to 100 beats during the second minute. Should either be off or if she's gasping for air, she's in the danger zone. Know CPR? Start administering it now.
No. You don't start CPR because someone's vitals are "off." You start it because their vitals are nonexistent or close to it. If someone has a heart rate of 60, or is taking 24 breaths a minute, please do not break their goddamn ribs.

(I did CPR last night. A rib snapped right under my hand. It was nauseating.)

Also, calling an ambulance for drunkenness is massively overdone. 98% of the time it's a huge waste of everyone's time and money. I would check this: can your friend be woken up? Is she truly passed out, or just sleeping? If someone is so out-cold that you can't wake them up, they may need help protecting their airway. If they're just drunk and sleepy but arousable (by which I mean you can get them to talk and react in a way that suggests actual consciousness; groaning and twitching doesn't count), put them in the recovery position and let them sleep it off.

Nothing's worse than buying an inflated plane ticket--only to have the dude next to you invade his space with his big fat elbow. To fend him off, prop up a magazine against your side of the armrest. You'll create a wall that he can't infiltrate.
And for the price of only looking like a complete uptight asshole! I can sort of understand this as the last step in a passive-aggression war with someone who's stuffing their elbow in your gut and just doesn't care, but just sitting down and putting up your little Wall Of Prissiness is an uptight-asshole move.

[If a coworker asks you to take her shift] Say jokingly but firmly "Nice try, babe, but it's not happening! I requested the time off weeks ago."
That's not "joking." That's "asshole" again, babe. "Sorry, but I can't," or even just "no," convey the exact same message and don't make you sound like you're patting them on the head and laughing in their face.

Step 1: As soon as you spot Mr. Hottie across the room, look him directly in the eye and smile wide. Guys are more likely to approach women who seem open and easygoing--an enthusiastic smile conveys this perfectly.
Step 2: Once you make eye contact, divert your attention to someone or something across the room and let him watch you stroll toward it. As you do, keep your shoulders back and allow your arms to swing freely to project laid-back confidence and sexiness.
Step 3: The second you see him break away from the group, quickly position yourself in his immediate vicinity, and let him make the first move. He'll have no idea what you just did.

It seems like Step 3 could go on for a while. Like, maybe a long while. Like maybe forever because, indeed, he has no idea what you just did. "This woman existed in the same room with me! She existed herself right at me! I HAD TO HAVE HER."

But I guess this kind of thing is your only option at "all the women have duct tape over their mouths and don't know sign language" theme parties.

And that's pretty much that for this issue of Cosmo. The more I read in Cosmo, the more two things strike me. One is a form of gender determinism that's almost gender exclusionism: if women do a certain thing, not only do they all do it, but no men do it. If women like chocolate then men must not like chocolate. If men are good at fixing cars then women must be bad at fixing cars. Gender roles aren't just fixed; they're fixed as opposites.

The second thing is the romance of silence. There's this idea, which seems eerily prevalent in American culture in general, that love and sex should go without saying. You should lock eyes across the room and just know, and going up and introducing yourself isn't romantic. Then you get in bed and with one meaningful gaze and one kiss you just know which sex acts you've just agreed to. To do otherwise, to say what you want, is to acknowledge that you aren't magical telepaths, and that's soul-crushing. Love should make magical telepaths of us all, or you're doing it wrong. And as with lube dude above, the real failure only comes when you admit you're doing it wrong.

Of course, another part of the romance of silence is just the idea that women should be seen and not heard. Your job is to look pretty, honey, not to be having all these goshdarn opinions.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. As I am not 18 feet tall, I think attempting to get my nipples near anyone's feet while riding them is not likely to work out well.

  3. There's this idea, which seems eerily prevalent in American culture in general, that love and sex should go without saying. You should lock eyes across the room and just know, and going up and introducing yourself isn't romantic.

    When I was a little kid, I used to watch old musicals, and there would often be a scene where a crowd of people were at a nightclub or party or Charleston contest in the high school gym, all happily dancing away. And then Our Heroes would join in, and everyone else (suitably impressed) would fade back, give them plenty of room, and just watch.

    And I genuinely believed, for an embarrassing number of years, that this was how dances worked in real life: that there was some signal that grownups used to inform one another when it was time for them all to stop dancing and let the good dancers have the floor to themselves. I kept watching those movies and trying to figure out when the signal happened.

    Same principle as the locking-eyes-across-the-room thing, I'm pretty sure.

  4. "The Romance of Silence" sounds like the perfect title for a book about rape culture and/or gender politics in dating. Mind if I steal it?

    This was pitch-perfect (as usual, you Mary Sue you)!

  5. Does anybody actually do reverse cowgirl? I tried it once and the only use it seemed to have was when (a) neither of you actually found the other one attractive, for ease of thinking of someone else the entire time, or (b) when you need to film it.

    I propose giving Lube Dude dry handjobs and complaining that he's making you feel inadequate.

    What's the recovery position? (knows nothing about first aid)

  6. I think the "romance of silence" (great term) is put on men and women quite differently. I don't think there's a need to discuss here how men are discouraged from talking about their emotions by the culture. Women are discouraged from talking about their bodies. All this Cosmo advice is a perfect example. (Actually with Cosmo I get the feeling that not just bodies, but emotions, and anything that's actually important, is to be discussed solely through passive-aggressive puzzle pantomime).

    Women are culturally discouraged from talking about their bodies by a couple of main steps: first, they are given the example of impossibly perfect Disney princesses as role models, who DO nothing but ARE perfect. Then, after being handed that as a role model, they grow up in a culture in which involuntarily leaking bodily fluid is pretty much the worst social faux pas. However, that's a regular part of a healthy woman's life, and it's also part of the normal response to arousal. They are taught that the real workings of their bodies must be hidden. No wonder some women try to avoid talking about it. More on that here.

  7. Ozymandias, there was some discussion of reverse cowgirl in the comments here. The upshot seemed to be that nobody liked it except one guy who just liked it for the view of the girl's ass.

  8. @Ozymandias - My ex and I liked it. She thought I had sexy calves, and I liked her back a lot. Like a whole lot. Which she liked because it translated into my rubbing it a lot.

  9. What is "the recovery position"? It sounds useful.

  10. Note to self: never say "does anyone like" about sex. Because no matter what it is, it is liked by someone.

    Thanks, Mousie! That's very interesting.

  11. Oxymandias,
    also, I think that dry handjobs work pretty well for uncircumsized men, because you can move the foreskin back and forth. (at least, they work for me.)

  12. Once again, I am reminded why I don't read Cosmo. And I'm even more shocked that their authors are published, while I, sadly, am not. ;)

  13. The recovery position is this: you lay someone on their side in such a way that they're less likely to block their airway, and if they barf they won't choke on it.

  14. Svutlana, who be in recovery position most of times, still think about Cosmo vice from previous Pervocracy Cosmock post where you put boyfriend socks in for microwave oven. Svutlana put sponge in oven from time for time for kill bacterias, but it always make me nervous. For sure if put dry sock in for oven it catch fire.

    That be said, day Svutlana read 'Make boyfriend put your panties in for microwave for keep vulva warm and toasty (tell him for use reheat pizza setting)' be happy happy day indeed.

  15. Seconded on uncircumcised men not needing lube. My first few partners were uncut and never used the stuff...I assumed this was how it worked with everyone. It was years before I caught on to the snide hand-lotion-and-Kleenex references in raunchy movies.

  16. I think Ozymandias makes a good point about the dry handjob for Lube Dude, but off on a tangent, I'm circumcised but prefer lube rather than needing it.

  17. I always assumed the recovery position was being propped kinda-sorta-upright on the couch (with blankets as needed), small, easy-to-grasp snacks and more vodka within fumbling reach, and the TV set to something utterly mindless (COPS or many other 'reality' shows usually suffice), around 4pm the next day.

    No wonder I failed CPR so many times.

    Holly, have you considered a "Sue Cosmo For Medically Inept And Dangerous Advice" website? You could use it to repost your Cosmocks, print horrorshow letters from folks who have actually tried their advice ("and as I tickled his feet they jerked and his gnarly grandma's toenails sheared my nipples off aaaiiiEEEE!!!"), and take a cut of whatever readers will throw you for being a medical/sex expert witness against Cosmo in the many Wrongful Ouchies lawsuits.

  18. Hopefully anyone who has knows how to do CPR (clearly not the Cosmo editors) had training that covered the "only if there's no pulse" rule.

  19. "I have some softcore suggestions"

    So, uh...

    What are your suggestions? >.>

  20. Pat me with a paper towel to remove excess grease!

  21. Regular cowgirl is usually just too psysically hard for me to reach orgasm, but in reverse cowgirl, I can move just right and ride happily on to the peak. Doesn't make it very intimate or sexy for me, but physically it's very good.

  22. I am not a big fan of Reverse Cowgirl; it puts my clit toward his balls instead of rubbing against his pubic bone. I also use lube almost every time; no matter how turned-on I am, I've never been one to get super wet. I also like hardcore porn and I communicate using human speech*; I am clearly Not A Real Woman.


    *and way too many semicolons

  23. flightless, I can't see a problem; if you were to use six semicolons in one sentence, it would be excessive; and maybe awkwardly strung together; like the writer was just rambling; or talking; like; Kirk. :)

  24. re: Steps 1-3

    Me and my coworkers were trying to figure out how the hell you do the walk in step 2 without looking like you're trying to pop your boobs out into airspace.

    I'm sure some passer-by were quite confused by the whole thing, but we were laughing our asses off.

  25. My friends and I always joke that Cosmo's sexy advice is always to be imagined as though you're making bug eyes at the dude, and refuse to explain what's happening.
    "Hon? Why'd you microwave my socks and put them on my feet?" *bug eyed stare* "hon? does....does this mean you want sex? I....don't understand how giving me warm sex showed me that."

  26. err, warm socks. curses

  27. Cut; masturbate w/o lube.