Sunday, July 6, 2008

Cosmocking: August '08!

A white cover! And the cover model is Scarlett Johansson and she's almost tastefully dressed! Wow! However, this cover also wants you to know that it's "The Guys & Sex Special," as opposed to, you know, their regular content of original fiction and investigative journalism. (Not a joke; back in the day Cosmopolitan was a literary journal running work from the likes of George Bernard Shaw, Jack London, H.G. Wells, Ambrose Bierce, and Rudyard Kipling. Rudyard freakin' Kipling!)

The Boyfriend Test I Failed
"A girl told me not to come to a family event, then felt bad because all her cousins had brought dates. She got mad because I 'should have wanted to come'."

You did not fail the boyfriend test. She failed the girlfriend test. (It's hard to tell from the story whether she wanted him to psychically divine that no meant yes, or if she didn't realize she needed a date and decided to blame him after the fact. Either way, it's a fail.)

This is the second issue in a row to have two pages repeated. I guess layout and production are man skills.

Now that communication is so easy and instant, when you don't hear from him for a day or two, it's usually a sign he's not fully invested.
It depends on your type of relationship of course, but why does Cosmo always depict romance as a mind-and-body monopoly? If you don't hear from him for a week it's probably bad news; if you don't hear from him for a day it means he has other things in his life. And if you're fully invested in him you can chill out and know you still have a relationship even without constantly reconfirming it.

If you want to broach the subject of moving in with a dude you've been dating for a while, try "I think we have an amazing relationship, and I'm ready to take the next step and move in together. Think of how much sex we'd have living under the same roof!"
Ergh. That is one selling point of cohabitation, but it's crude and condescending to use it to sell a major life change. "I know you won't be motivated by intimacy, companionship, or supporting each other's life goals... so how about some sex, boy! I know you care about that!"

While ordering dinner, caress up his leg as high as you can get away with. If you're feeling super-daring, reach inside his pants, and slip a hair tie around his penis--this gutsy move will keep him slightly stimulated all night.
"Honey, what are you... GACK! Okay, that feels really weird and annoying and I have no way of taking it off out here. I'm going to waddle to the bathroom now and I hate you."

How to Keep Your Man Loyal
One way to do this is to plan lots of summer activities for you two only--such as a playful afternoon-swim ritual at a lake or a private happy hour on your deck. If he's spending a lot of time with you, he won't be able to catch the eye of other females.

Why not do it right and invest in an Invisible Fence? You can set up the collar to deliver a bigger shock if he tries to remove it.

Advice section:
I'd been with my boyfriend for a year when I told him that I'd been faking orgasms the entire time we'd been together. It really hurt him, and he got mad. We haven't broken up, but we also haven't had sex for weeks. What can I do to make him want me again?
"Dear Cosmo: I lied constantly to someone who trusted me, then threw his sexual insecurities in his face. I'd like to experience no consequences. Can this be arranged?"

My man's ex tried to break us up by telling people that they'd recently slept together. I know they didn't, but I'm still having a hard time trusting him. He thinks I'm out of control and got mad when I asked for his email password. Am I being irrational or should he understand what I'm going through?
Bitch, you ain't "going through" shit because it didn't happen. If he did cheat it wouldn't give you the right to read his goddamn email, but reading it because he didn't cheat on you... what the fuck.

Cosmo's Naughty Truth-or-Dare
Dare: Imitate what I sound and look like when I orgasm.

Hm. It's a good dare, but a sexy dare? I think even the most sensitive of guys couldn't resist the temptation to reference zoo animals: "and then you make sort of a monkey face, and then you're all [falsetto] 'OOOOOGGGHHHAAAAA,' like an ostrich with a really big egg!"

All good fun as far as I'm concerned, but I imagine if you did it to a Cosmo girl she might get a wee bit sensitive about it.

This is an ad (for a quack tattoo removal cream), not editorial, but it's hilarious:
It all started when I walked down the aisle. The smirks; the giggles; the regret - the old tattoo from college sprawled across my back. Two years of my life getting ready for this very moment and all I felt was remorse. 'My day' ended up with a fight with my in-laws and then led to an ugly divorce soon after.
Yes, folks, her wedding and indeed her marriage were completely ruined because she had a tattoo on her back. It's a goddamn shame there's no such thing as a wedding dress that covers your back. (Also, the only way I can picture a tattoo causing that much of a reaction is if it was a swastika inside a biohazard symbol inside the text "I'm a classy ho - sucky sucky ten dollah!" Inside a ring of cocks. With devil horns.)

Bond with him: Hold your guy's gaze for five minutes. It might feel a little awkward at first, but soon you should both start to relax. This exercise can help you read each other better and grow super in tune.
Ooh, I've played this game! But he made silly faces at me and I blinked first.

The last thing on your mind after a session with your favorite sex is cleaning it.
Um, no, how about you talk to me like I'm not a filthy moron? I'm sort of concerned that Cosmo automatically assumes we all get regular waxes and manicures, but reminds us to wash our sex toys. I mean, you'd think by the time it started to form a crust...

(Tangent: doesn't it seem like the vanilla-sexy women wax, but the real pervs shave? Waxing is "I'm glamorously groomed," shaving is "I'm ready for some fucking action.")


  1. Bitch, you ain't "going through" shit because it didn't happen. If he did cheat it wouldn't give you the right to read his goddamn email, but reading it because he didn't cheat on you... what the fuck.

    This reminds me of my old favorite, where she has a dream that you cheated or divorced her or whatever, and she wakes up PISSED at you. You're just trying to wake up while you try to figure out what she's talking about.

    But I've done the opposite, equally irrational one, where you wake up from a sex dream about her and jump her bones, only to find that, tragically, she does not remember all the sexy stuff you were just doing. You know, inside your brain.

  2. DG - I have the one where they die, and I wake up and call/shake them at some ungodly hour, and they don't really appreciate the urgency of the situation, but I'm just so relieved they're not dead that I don't even care.

    Also, once I dreamed that the guy next to me teleported away, then teleported back, and I woke up and I wasn't sure if I'd dreamed it or not. It took me hours to work out that teleporting wasn't real.

  3. Your Cosmo mocking is brilliant, as always.

    However, I think the hair tie thing is kinda hot, in a femdom sort of way.

    But the relationship advice? WTF? Cosmo seems to want to encourage paranoia. They say, "Feeling insecure? Act crazy! You're totally justified! Then he WILL cheat on you and you'll have good reason to be twice as crazy in your next relationship!"

    Perhaps if we're more paranoid and insecure, we buy more shoes?

  4. Holly, you've out-done yourself! I was laughing out loud! So so good!

    I sincerely can't imagine anyone reading cosmo... Although, my best friend's almost hippie boyfriend was appearantly reading it last night... How he got his hands on one I don't know.. And called her to see how her day was going on it's advice... He must have read that bit about if you don't hear from then for a day, call. ha.

    Have to say: Cosmo's advice is so incredibly messed! This poor misguided souls! But fuck Holly, you make it funny!!

  5. Hilarious! I made the mistake of reading this at work. I was dying laughing. Thanks for making me smile this Monday morning

  6. Perhaps if we're more paranoid and insecure, we buy more shoes?

    You buy more issues of Cosmo telling you how to be sexual.

  7. OMG, I've got tears running down my cheeks and my face hurts from laughing...

  8. Oh, God.

    Snooping is understandable (though still not really justified) if he is actually cheating. Snooping because he isn't cheating but someone reminded you of the fact that infidelity exists is, um, nuts.

    And hair bands? WTF? I've given hand jobs in restaurants (well, diners) and I wouldn't do something like that.

    Also, I'm a vanilla girl and I shave. It's my understanding that waxing is expensive and hurts like hell.

  9. I have a theory that Cosmopolitan, in its current incarnation, is a sinister conspiracy by eugenicists intent on making neurotic women so needy, paranoid, and clumsy in bed that they will never successfully reproduce.

  10. (Tangent: doesn't it seem like the vanilla-sexy women wax, but the real pervs shave? Waxing is "I'm glamorously groomed," shaving is "I'm ready for some fucking action.")

    True dat. One prefers a clean playing field, and the downmarket shaving option just feels dirtier. MEOW!

  11. Cosmo is a good guide for men who want to pick-up neurotic Cosmopolitan readers.

    Read the articles in order to recognized the crap that Cosmo readers believe works. Then give them the answers they had been told to look for.

    It's like using a walk-through for a computer game.

  12. I now understand why I'm single. And why I have better conversations with Tinker the Wonder Cat than I do with most women.

  13. The really sad thing? There are guys out there that read this, and think this is the right way to handle women!

    I think you just gave me some blog fodder. Thanks darlin'!

  14. Nah, I'm vanilla, but I only wax because shaving hurts me more in the long run. Super coarse hair equals painful ingrowth.