"You go to weird perverted sex parties? Whoa, how wild and crazy! I mean, playing in the bedroom, that's one thing, but going out and doing it in front of lots of people, that's way out there."
Not really. I certainly go to play parties because I'm a bit of an exhibitionist, and because I like to mix it up with lots of new people. (And, in one of those things that never occurs to "so you're like a dominatrix or something?" types, because the kink community is a community and I enjoy connecting with friends as well as partners at events.) But I also go because it's safer.
With reasonable use of condoms and common sense, having sex and playing with strangers are not tremendously risky activities. Being alone with strangers--that's a risky activity. I'm not worried about letting some random goon tie me up. I'm worried about letting some random goon tie me up where other people can't hear me safeword.
The times that I've gotten alone with a stranger for sex, my worries were never "pregnancy, herpes, AIDS"--I've thought "does he have a weapon, will he respect limits, will he try and restrain me?" There's no condoms for that. Safecalls? Good for body recovery. Weapons? Hard to keep handy when I'm rolling around naked. Self-defense training? I'm 5'1", have impaired physical coordination, and I shwing for guys who are built like brick shithouses.
I'm not a paranoid person. I don't hate or fear dudes (boy do I not) and I often will decide I've considered the risks and I'll get alone with them anyway. My only point here is that it's the isolation, not the sex or play, that strikes me as risky. Going to a stranger's house to watch a movie is more dangerous than letting a stranger beat you bloody and fuck you up the ass at a party.
Since Benny, I've played alone with people a few times, but I haven't let myself be restrained when I'm alone. I'm sure I will again but it's going to take a lot more trust and carry a lot more weight than it did before.
So to me, a sex or BDSM party isn't a venture into the wild underground; it's the safest possible way I can pursue my desires. Sure there's a kinky thrill to getting tied up in front of people, but those people aren't just voyeurs--they're witnesses. Playing publicly isn't just my kink, it's my safety net.
Never thought about it like that. Consider me educated.
ReplyDeleteMe too. That's a helluva point I've missed all these years.
ReplyDeleteMe three. Thanks for posting something that should be obvious, but I'd never considered.
ReplyDeleteRegarding the three comments above -- the sense of community and the safety in numbers aspect are probably what appeal the most to kinksters who go to parties, from what I've seen; I'd actually rate exhibitionist tendencies well under those, in terms of motivation.
ReplyDeleteSince Benny, I've played alone with people a few times, but I haven't let myself be restrained when I'm alone. I'm sure I will again but it's going to take a lot more trust and carry a lot more weight than it did before.
Well, shit. Half the fun was gonna be doing things to you that and helpless to resist because you're immobilized (you may be smaller than me, but you could at least attempt to run away if you're not bound in some way). If you can still escape, there goes a chunk of the consensual non-consent stuff. ;)
Jack - I'll talk about that with you privately sometime--"I don't do it casually anymore" isn't a "no not ever." (Also, if your wife's around, I'm fairly sure she doesn't seem like the "accessory to the crime" sort.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I realize that in some sense it's all a stupid distinction to not let you use mechanical restraints when you're three times my size and can pretty much pin me at your leisure. (Which Benny also used to do unpleasantly. Whee.) At some point "shit, he doesn't smell like a serial killer" is something I've just gotta trust if I ever want to have any fun.
I know, hence the ;) winking face, indicating "this is tongue in cheek to some degree", versus a plain old :) happy face, which indicates "Yes, I'm quite sincerely happy at the thought of dismembering you."
ReplyDeleteReally, though, all Kerry cares about is that the bloodstains are covered up and she has some quiet when she wants to go to sleep.
There's still a big difference (physically and psychologically) between being with someone who can likely overpower you (you still have options), and being with someone who has you bound helplessly (options decreased). And I'm only twice> your size, really (although I am, to quote Gimli, 'very dangerous over short distances'). But then, no one says that you need to extend that trust to casual play partners; maybe you'll find that it works for you if/when you find a permanent partner. Different levels of trust, and all.
Going to a stranger's house to watch a movie is more dangerous than ....
ReplyDeleteSubstitute "a boyfriend's" for "a stranger's" and you have the basic scenario under which I became a victim of attempted rape.