I'm not a girl, not yet a woman...
I have a habit of thinking of myself as a "girl," socially. When I'm operating in the grownup world, when I'm speaking as a feminist or an EMT, I'm pretty strict about calling myself and anyone else over 18 a "woman." But when I'm in less uptight contexts... well, for one thing, I tend to refer to "grownups." And I'm not one of those.
In one sense, it's literally true; I'm younger than almost all of my friends. There are some 20- and 21-year-olds in the BDSM scene, but on the whole the crowd skews older than me. It's a combination of people tending to take a while to get comfortable with public kinkiness, and people not being inclined to bow out gracefully when they reach unsexy age. (That's a joke; of course people can be sexy at any age, at least to other gross old people.) I'm also a kid in my life situation: I work an entry-level gofer job, I'm single and playing the field pretty hard, and I live in a big messy shared house in a college area.
But it's also part of my personality. When I'm happy I tend to be very bouncy and silly and a little ditzy, and can have a very "ooh Daddy can I play with the ponies?" demeanor to me. I'm also still a little shy and inexperienced in BDSM--despite being in the scene to some degree for a few years now, I'm still finding my footing in the social and sexual nuances. So I appreciate partners who will take a slightly mentor-ish role and let me be a little bit of a kid in comparison. ("Slightly mentor-ish" does not mean "do my thinking for me"; I do plenty of my own reconnaissance and research and reflection. But it does mean "understand that you're introducing me to some things for the first time and that I appreciate a little bit of education and guidance.") I also have a tendency to be just goofy in bed and love the kind of play where I'm laughing my ass off almost as much the kind where I'm screaming in pain.
I do wonder if I'll ever become a woman. I have a feeling I won't. I can see myself in about twenty years, possibly living in a grown-up house with a grown-up job, and still referring to them in exactly those terms. Is it a submissive thing, or is just a Holly thing? Potato potahto, but I think it's a Holly thing. A certain sense of silliness and wonder is just a part of me, and neither biological age nor sexuality changes anything about that.
Feministically, this is terrible, of course. It makes me undercut my own power and authority constantly, and makes me act like less than a full adult. Infantalizing oneself, even subtly, is no way to gain power and respect in society. But I don't think women are girls. I just think Holly is.
I can see myself in about twenty years, possibly living in a grown-up house with a grown-up job, and still referring to them in exactly those terms.
ReplyDeleteAs a gross old person, I can assure you that how you are able now to see yourself in twenty years has fuck-all to do with how you will actually be in twenty years. Twenty years from now, I expect you to find me to tell me I was right.
I have a widely renowned inability to predict what I'll be doing next week, so I believe that.
ReplyDeleteI'm just as silly as I was at half my current age, but much more deliberate. When hanging out with current college students I get exhausted by their energy and wish they could sit still and shut up.
ReplyDeleteBut recently I went swimming at a lake, which was predictably dominated by kids. One boy yelled at another for "bothering the grownups," and there was some cognitive dissonance in realizing he was including me in that group.
I found that I did not feel like a grownup at all until I had children. I think it has to do with the traditional phases of womanhood: maiden, mother, crone. You are still firmly in the maiden category and I suspect that's why you don't feel like a grownup. Interestingly, the point at which I began to view myself as a grownup woman is also the point when I began to appreciate vanilla sex. Don't get me wrong, I still prefer being submissive and my fantasies center around BDSM scenarios, but I also am thankful for every bit of tenderness (and that is what I could not do without). At 20 I wanted 80% rough and 20% tender, and a decade later it's probably the reverse.
ReplyDelete(That's a joke; of course people can be sexy at any age, at least to other gross old people.)
ReplyDeleteHey -- as one of those gross older people, I resent that remark.
But that's okay -- you'll get old faster than you think, and then oh ho ho, will my mouldering corpse have a good laugh at your expense.
I'm also still a little shy and inexperienced in BDSM
Bwahahahahha -- yeah, Hatchet Girl, wail on.
...So I appreciate partners who will take a slightly mentor-ish role and let me be a little bit of a kid in comparison. ...I also have a tendency to be just goofy in bed and love the kind of play where I'm laughing my ass off almost as much the kind where I'm screaming in pain.
I do wonder if I'll ever become a woman. I have a feeling I won't. I can see myself in about twenty years, possibly living in a grown-up house with a grown-up job, and still referring to them in exactly those terms. Is it a submissive thing, or is just a Holly thing? Potato potahto, but I think it's a Holly thing. A certain sense of silliness and wonder is just a part of me, and neither biological age nor sexuality changes anything about that.... But I don't think women are girls. I just think Holly is.
Hmm. You sure you're not some kind of little?
Jack - Hey -- as one of those gross older people, I resent that remark.
ReplyDeleteI believe the expression is "I resemble that remark." :p
No, no, that was a second joke, you're a sexy old person, I want to take off your Depends and suck on your catheter, there there.
Hmm. You sure you're not some kind of little?
AM NOT. AM GROWNED-UP! ...am just very small silly growned-up.
Sometimes. As I said, this is really only when I'm in my happy bubbly headspace, not all the time. I do in fact have fairly good access to the section of my head that pays bills on time and behaves appropriately at work and speaks directly and assertively--I just don't think that's the fun section.
I do both ways - when I think of myself, I'll describe myself as "Girl" in my mind. When I'm alone that's how I see myself still.
ReplyDeleteBut to others I try to present as "Woman." More adult & professional.
I was a gross old person by the time I was six.
ReplyDeleteI'll tell you a secret:
ReplyDeleteThe actual trick to being an adult is accepting the sneaking suspicious realisation that everyone else is faking it too.
Infantalizing oneself, even subtly, is no way to gain power and respect in society.
ReplyDeleteI suppose you might be right about "respect in society", but the way to real power is to be who you are. If who you are is girly or childish, then be that, proudly. Trying to be something else is like cutting off your own legs.
Or, as C.S. Lewis put it, "When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness."
What Dw3t-Hthr said.
ReplyDeleteAnd, of course, when I get too insecure about that, I just bop on over to xkcd.
This recent comic also comes to mind.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.smbc-comics.com/index.php?db=comics&id=1965
I want to take off your Depends and suck on your catheter, there there.
ReplyDeleteWow, you enjoyed it that much the last time, huh? :)
Sometimes. As I said, this is really only when I'm in my happy bubbly headspace, not all the time. I do in fact have fairly good access to the section of my head that pays bills on time and behaves appropriately at work and speaks directly and assertively--
You know, that sounds like most of the littles I know -- they're competent and assertive in their daily lives. I don't know any littles, actually, who are in their 'head space' all the time (I suspect they'd have trouble functioning in society if they were like that 24/7). Maybe you're a 'Later Little' -- more like an 8-10-year-old (less thumb-sucking and footie pajamas, more sense of wonder, etc.).
Either way, though, I have some candy for you -- you'll find that my catheter is just FILLED with it. :)
Dw3t-Hthr - I'm beginning to suspect as much.
ReplyDeleteJfpbookworm - That's one of my favorite xkcd's ever.
Jack - Okay, ew.
And I'm really not a little (for one thing, I can't do the voice thing and would be slightly horrified if I could), I'm just a dizzy goofball adult. Respect my right to self-identify, dammit!
...Also I'd like to self-identify as a dinosaur. RAWR.
I'm with jfpbookworm and Dw3t-Hthr! As the wise person once said, "Getting older is inevitable, but growing up is optional." I think the very best part of being an adult is being completely free and able to careen back and forth between sensible/responsible/serious/professional adult and silly/easily-amused/ridiculous kid...and knowing the time and place for most spots on that continuum (I write this lounging on an oversized beanbag "couch" with my laptop and a popsicle, with Boomerang on the TV and my bf playing Pokemon on his handheld video game thingy next to me).
ReplyDeletePart of me will always like to get up late on Sat a.m. and eat Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, run through the grass pretending I'm a horse, and take corners on my (pedal) bike at full speed through my neighborhood. :)
But then I also like being able to give an authorative presentation on my research and have people at work be just a little afraid of me (in the good way that means they won't leave messes in my area or ask me to make coffee). I also like sidewalk/hallway chicken with known asshats in my building (they always step aside).
Of course some cognitive dissonance can occur when people from my adult/professional life occasionally catch a glimpse of silly me doing my silly things with my silly friends on my own time. :)