I'm finishing this!
There's an article on "Dirty Talk That Drives Men Wild," and with 78 examples, it has more hilarity than I can type. I'll try to pick some of the best ones. They seem to fall into general categories:
"She said, 'That orgasm was so intense, my eyes rolled so far back into my head that I could see my insides!"
"A girl once said to me, 'it's like you're scraping the back of my brain!"
"We were joking around, and I was trying to impress her. She rolled her eyes and said, 'Okay, okay. You're hilarious and charming. Now take off your pants."
"The alarm clock sounded, and she hit the snooze button. Then she rolled on top of me and said, 'We've got nine minutes. Let's do this.'"
"She cooked me dinner, and it was delicious. Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear, 'For dessert, you're going to eat my cake.'"
"'Okay, now bend me over and say ahhhh!'"
"Out of nowhere, she straddled me, beat her chest, and made the Tarzan call."
Special Award: The Sexiest McMuffins Ever
"She made me breakfast in the morning. She said 'Good morning, babe' and gave me two egg-and-cheese breakfast sandwiches. I had a boner from here to Africa."
The vibrator article is actually pretty straightforward. It doesn't say much more than "here are some upscale vibrators that don't look like cartoon penises. Try putting them on your hoo-ha."
Now we're up to "The Weird Trait Guys Look For in a Date," featuring some of the most long-stretch amateur "evolutionary psychology" that I've ever seen.
"Finding a mate to pass along your DNA is a primal human impulse," [...] "A man naturally responds to those biological urges by moving forward with a woman who will potentially be able to raise his children, even if he doesn't want kids soon--or ever."
Yep, the number one thing guys want in a date is that you'd be the perfect mommy! Not for purposes of actually having kids, though. For purposes of being more femaler.
I will never understand why the supposed biological urge to have perfect babies is imagined into every aspect of psychology except wanting babies. If it's so in control of your sexual preferences that you're measuring waist-hip ratios for peak fertility or whatever, what kind of wacky loophole makes us capable of feeling indifference or repulsion--or most importantly, the ability to consciously think about it and decide how we feel--toward the idea of actual reproduction?
I think the answer is twofold. Part of it is that we're so damn over-smart as a species that we're able to make conscious choices that go against our survival urges. This is why dieting is possible, or for that matter working at a non-food-gathering job. And part of it is that most people have a powerful biological urge to have sex, and an urge to nurture babies once the've happened, but since less intelligent animals don't understand that sex leads to babies, a psychological drive specifically to create babies never really came about. In terms of drives, your "wiring" (ugh, but bear with me) seems to be to have sex and then deal with whatever results, not to intentionally make babies.
But you know what? Now I'm making random guesses based on personal observations and generalizations, not on any archaeological, anthropological, or genetic evidence whatsoever. So take that "I think" at the beginning of the previous paragraph and set it in VERY LARGE TYPE, and never ever publish what I just said as any kind of "science."
"It's fundamental to infant survival that a mother be able to react calmly and think on her feet in a crisis situation." [...] Back in prehistoric times she would need to have the wherewithal to grab the kids and run from a predator--becoming hysterical would quite literally be the kiss of death. And it's just as important today: showing you can stay levelheaded when minor things go wrong proves to him that you're a strong, capable woman he can trust with the kiddies.
Or it just proves to him that you're a strong, capable woman. The entire article is like this; they name a positive characteristic as something that guys like, then say that it would also be a positive characteristic in a mother, and that's why guys like it. I'm not sure if I can put a name to this logic; it's just... dopey. It's an unnecessary, unsupported extra step.
And it's a particular extra step that works beautifully to suggest that women are only good for popping out babies, and when it looks like they're doing other things that might be admirable, those things are secretly also about babies.
So? That thing all guys secretly want at 9 p.m.? A head massage. Huh. I mean, head massages are nice and all, but the specificity... I dunno, I don't make this stuff up.
Q: My boyfriend always wants to go down on me, but I just don't get off that way. How can I let him know when he heads south that there are plenty of other things I would rather have him do?
A: The best way to cut your guy off at the pass without losing the moment is to tell him, "Wait, I've been thinking about you ____-ing me all day."
I know I said this before, but: That isn't sex advice. That's survival tactics. That's the kind of thing you say to Buffalo Bill--"wait, don't put me in the Woman Pit, I've just gotten so hot for you, baby." The only reason to desperately distract your partner with sex instead of saying "no" is that you're afraid something bad would happen if you said "no."
Now, obviously I'm not talking about some strident "NO MEANS NO, STOP NOW!" (although that is your right at any time). I'm talking about "Honey, I'm not that into getting oral sex. It's just the funny way my body works. But I would seriously get off on it if you would ____ me." Is that so hard? This is your boyfriend. You're allowed to talk to him. And if you can't--if he'd start doing it anyway or he'd throw a hissy fit--that's one suck-ass boyfriend you got there.
Of course, Cosmo then winds around to:
But since it sounds as though this is something your boyfriend really wants to do, why not give exploring it another shot?
Because Cosmo doesn't understand "no" either. I mean, I get that this isn't like a life-or-death situation, that it's more of a "not my thing" than a "I can't possibly stand it," and so it might be okay to do it occasionally to retest how she feels or as a favor to the boyfriend, but... the lady said no, Cosmo. She has tried it, and she's saying no. Come on and listen already.
It's important that "no means no" isn't just about rape. For two reasons:
1) Bodily autonomy isn't all-or-nothing. Something doesn't have to be the worst thing in the world for you to be allowed to say you don't want it and to have that respected. I don't curl up and die if someone tickles my armpits--it won't cause me pain or make me cry or anything--but I find it unpleasant, and since the only point of doing this stuff in the first place is to be pleasant, I have the right to ask that people not touch my armpits.
2) This leaves a giant loophole for "that wasn't rape, it was just... sex she wasn't into!" that can only be closed if every "no" is a real "no." If a "no" pertaining to the treatment of one's own body can be overruled or ignored because it's not a serious big-deal "no," that leaves way too much room for "well, I would have stopped if she'd said, like, NO, but she only sorta said she didn't wanna."