Saturday, November 29, 2008

Sex Toy Review: Babeland Silver Bullet!

Someone asked me to do a bunch of sex toy reviews. I live to serve, so here ya go, someone!

Your most basic sex toy.

Okay, for starters, don't pay $15. There are like a million ways to get these things for $3-5 or free, and it's the same product and works just as well.

This thing is really easy on batteries. I've had the same two AAs in it for over a year of pretty frequent use.

And it's silent! If you dangle it in the air or hold it in your palm you can hear it, but press it where it's gonna go and it's damn near 100% muffled.

As far as functionality, it's very pure: a tiny little unit of vibration where you want it. It works on penises (only some guys like it, but the ones who do love it), nipples (very interesting with clamped nipples), clitorises, labia, anything external. I once heard a crazy person say she used it on her "third eye" but I think that would just rattle your skull pretty bad.

This toy works for everything from "it's the end of a long day but I'm horny, let's get my rocks off quick so I can sleep" to elaborate scenes. If you only have one sex toy, this'd be a pretty good choice.

Thursday, November 27, 2008


I'm thankful that I've gotten to live so many of my dreams already.

Filthy Details.

We were both surprised at each others' looks when we met at the door. He'd grown a goatee; I'd started wearing glasses. We'd both gained visible muscle. And we both looked, somehow, older. We've been doing this thing on and off for more than a year now and we are older; but we've both been through a lot of changes over this time as well, changes that laid the faintest foundations of lines that will one day wear deep.

We went up to the bedroom immediately but for quite a while we didn't fuck. We just flopped back on the bed together, cuddled, and talked. We slipped out of our shirts but it was more comfortable than sexy. We were both tired as hell. But we weren't there to snuggle; it'd been months since I'd been properly tied up and more months since he'd gotten to tie anyone.

He stripped me naked, threw me over his knee and spanked me, pure heat at the juncture of his hand and my ass. It'd been too long since I'd enjoyed pain. I'd almost wondered if I still would. I did. I enjoyed the fuck out of it.

He tied my hands behind my back, laid ropes above and below my breasts and over my shoulders. He had me kneel on the bed and he tied my ankles to the iron bars of the headboard. He gagged me; I needed it. When I talk too much I think too much.

Clothespins. One on each nipple, more grabbing up little pinches of the meat of my breasts, and--I yelped with each one--more dangling in two neat rows from my cunt. He teased and twiddled them, flicked and tugged at them, and watched me squirm. He tapped the juncture of the clothespins and my skin with the tip of a cane, and I more than squirmed. He ripped the clothespins off, one by one, and made me count them with my voice muffled through the gag. I was in pain in sensitive places and I couldn't speak or move. I felt so free.

Finally he bent me forward and fucked me with a dildo, hard. I was more than ready and was groaning deeply from the first thrust on. I came hard and fast and he didn't stop until I was exhausted.

We rested and talked, and then he lay back and asked me to tease him. I like teasing; it's easy and fun and just a little mean, and you know damn well that the payoff will be worth it. I played with his cock with the very tips of my tongue and fingers, a moment of good firm stroking, a moment of bare grazes, a moment letting him just hang and then stroking hard again. By the time I finally mounted him, he was on a hair-trigger and gone in a few thrusts.

We dozed off together for a few minutes, talked more--he's really much less of a jerk these days--and bade our farewells. I went home and slept like the dead, utterly spent, but for the first time in quite a while, satisfied.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Streak broken.

Well, there's always Benny. Filthy details later because I'm so tired right now.

I was pretty tired during, honestly. It's hard to stay up all night working out in the cold and then get horny. Possible, but not easy.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Oh god not again.

I'm getting desperate. Tonight's attempted fuck managed to actually be fucking me when he had his crisis of conscience. It was literally "oh yeah, oh yeah, mmm... oh god what am I doing I can't do this." Which, along with the fact that he talked about his specific psychological hangups in some detail, makes me fairly confident it wasn't an appearance thing, which is good I guess but doesn't make me any more laid.

It was something along the lines of "I'm a nice guy, so I don't do things like this, but I want to be so aggressive, but that's not me, but I just have these urges when I'm by myself but with you actually here it's different because I don't know if I want to actually act out my fantasies," which I actually do sympathize with and I tried to talk over with him, but... ergh, I'm not a traveling psychologist. And if I were I wouldn't accept payment in the form of blue balls.

I think my ego has actually developed to the point where I can almost handle rejection. I mean, I know plenty of people find me attractive, so if some people don't, that's not a reflection on me, it's just life. Some people like Vegemite and some don't, and if a specific person isn't into Vegemite it doesn't mean that Vegemite is bad or they're making a personal attack on Vegemite.

Still, I'm slightly annoyed that he couldn't decide what he wanted first, and then arrange and initiate sex second.

I think I'm gonna try and screw Mr. Neon. We seem to like each other well enough, I'm sure I can get around the no-pheromones thing if I concentrate. "Hey, Neon, would you mind wearing another guy's undershirt on this date? Let him get kinda sweaty in it first. No, no, I'm serious..."

Friday, November 21, 2008

Sexuality sure is fluid...

It's truly amazing how many men there are on craigslist who are "straight, looking to suck & fuck with another straight guy." On the one hand, I sorta get what they're trying to say--straight in their daily life, stereotypically straight looking and acting--but on the other hand my mind always boggles a little.

It sort of makes me sad too. "I'm not some queer, I just fuck guys sometimes!" shouldn't be something you need to think about yourself. I applaud the idea that sucking cock shouldn't define your entire identity, but I hate that it's done by linguistic denial of the sexuality itself.

I might be measuring from a sample size of one here, but I really believe everyone is a little bit bi. And I believe that's great. I just wish dudes didn't have to be all weird about it.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Rejected twice in one day.

Okay, so in a fit of pique over being stood up I did my usual rational-adult-response thing and got a "random slut wants your random ass" date off craigslist, met the guy and we hung out and talked for like two hours, and then he said "I don't think I can do this, I've been through some emotional shit recently" and walked me to my car. (I couldn't tell whether the "emotional shit" was legitimate, but feh, it wouldn't do me any good to know.)

I couldn't get laid in a men's prison with a fistful of pardons.


Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Stood Up!?!?

Well, tonight's date was apparently Mr. Helium, because he was invisible and flew away.

I showed up to the right place at the right time, he did not, fuuuck.

His loss. Fool doesn't know he could've had Holly Pervocracy.

Friend Zone.

Saw Mr. Neon again tonight. I'm starting to really warm up to him as a person, but there's just no sexual component. All my thoughts on him are along the lines of "God, I'd love to see him get out of those clothes... and into some warmer ones so we could go hiking together." I enjoy spending time with him, but there's something horrifyingly panty-drying about the experience. It's weird because he's a good-looking guy--almost out of my league, he's younger than me and in great shape and super-cute--but I have no sexy feelings about him. Maybe he was born without pheromones or something.

He's certainly not sexually assertive, and it's hard for me to distinguish among shyness, politeness, and disinterest. I was kind of shocked when he kissed me on the lips, because I'd almost convinced myself that he'd friend-zoned me.

Meh, meh, and meh. I've never been this sexually unattracted to someone I respect as a person. He's such a nice guy, I'd love to have him in my life, but I just don't know how I could fuck him.

I think my psyche is saving all its lust for married men, men who live very far away, men who don't like me, straight women, gay men, and fictional characters.

Anyway, I've got a different date tomorrow night. (Really tonight by now.) Maybe this one will be spicier. Maybe he'll be Mr., I dunno, Oxygen!

Monday, November 17, 2008


Date with Mr. Neon tonight. I'm washing my sheets and I don't even know why. So they'll be nice and comfy when I come home alone to sleep, I spose. Gotta take care of your own needs, right?

Anyway, when I'm not getting laid or causing Internets Drama I gotta fall back on the recurring cheap stuff like Cosmocking, but that's really only good once a month. So: Search Term Craziness! These are all search terms people used to find this blog.

pervocracy "i measured my hands"
This wouldn't be so weird except that there were thirty-two searches for it, spread out pretty evenly over a month, not all from the same person, and averaging eight minutes on the site. Huh. Anyway, if it's a topic of great interest, my hands are about 3.25" wide at the first knuckle, 8" long from wrist joint to tip of middle finger, and 1" thick. I wear Medium size surgical gloves. OOH BABY TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOUR HAND SIZE...?

nose cum
cum nose
"Cum nose" wins by a hair, but these two are the second and third most popular searches after "pervocracy." Ahchoo.

"i'm not a slut, i'm just"

"started dating at 25"
Better late than never, I guess.

babypop vril
I searched for this, and yeah, it doesn't mean anything. At all. It's not even a misspelling of something that means something. This, my friends, is a phrase that does not exist anywhere on the indexed Internet. That gives it magic powers. (Well, it's indexed now, so don't use this one. Make up your own.)

cosmo should women swallow cum?
Why are you asking them? Anyway, Cosmo would never say "cum." They'd say, like "those unavoidable manly fluids" or "the not-so-fresh side effects of nookie." Something prudish yet icky.

cum evolution
In this specific case, I'm a Creationist.

mara jade bdsm
"Ooh, not the lightsaber, Daddy!"

positive things for swallowing cum
"See, honey, as this PowerPoint presentation clearly shows, there are at least 17 synergistic win-wins..."

what kind of girl swallows cum
Some of every kind, man. You'd be surprised.

swallow "first date" semen
Whoa there cowboy.

shoots cum out nose

Friday, November 14, 2008

Cosmocking: December '08!

Noble Gas Boy has sent me an email gushing about how he really enjoyed our room-temperature date and really wants to see me again. Huh. I'm still undecided. On the one hand, better lame-but-cordial date than Civ IV; on the other hand, I dunno if I should string out something that doesn't seem to have much future. Maybe we can Just Be Friends? Dunno.

Anyway. Jessica Simpson on the cover! Brownish background! Words that appear on the cover: Sex, Sexy, Naked, Orgasm, Skanky, Uncensored, Rapist. Oh, and a little emoticon "orgasm face" that looks like this: :-o

One thing I'd like to make a general comment on because it came up about 500 times in this issue: you know, ladies, guys don't care about five pounds. Guys may care about your overall weight, but I really don't believe any man on Earth gives a damn about the difference between 120 and 125. (Or between 180 and 185.) A thin woman with a little tummy still reads as a thin woman, and a curvy woman with control-top and cincher still reads as a curvy woman. So lay off the OMG A LITTLE FAT SPOT bullshit, your overall body shape is what matters and anyway there are guys who like just about every kind.

My roommate and I have co-Cosmocked in detail and agreed that all of the "embarrassing confessions" are clearly fictional and written by the same person. Nonetheless I'm still going to mock them, because whoever this person is, they're really dumb.
"I was psyched when this hot guy asked me to a formal. It had an open bar, so we were overserved and couldn't keep our hands off each other when we got back to my place. When I woke up, I saw him groggily sitting up in bed and giving me a weird look. Then I looked down and saw my pasties and full-body nude Spanx. I'd fallen asleep in them after removing my clothes the night before. I bolted out of bed to the bedroom."
Why the hell did you go out with a hot guy wearing underwear you'd be embarrassed to be seen in? Who wears pasties to a formal? What are Spanx? (Bodyshapers. I had to look that up.) What happened to a goddamn bra and panties? Could your I-must-never-appear-flawed vanity complex be any bigger? If it were, would you put it in a shaper?

"My roommates and I threw a blowout party at our place and were pleased that hot girls showed up. I ended up making out with one in the foyer before inviting her upstairs to my room. She was straddling me on my bed, and we were kissing intensely. I thought it would be sexy if I took charge and threw her down on the mattress to switch positions and get on top. But when I sat up and grabbed her, I swung her body and lost my hold. She flew off the bed and onto the floor, yelling 'Ouch!' I quickly moved to pick her up. She stood up, grabbed her dress, and peaced out."
So you make one awkward mistake and the girl, rather than laughing it off or even yelling at you, just disappears? Dang. That girl was Nintendo Hard.

His Point Of View: "Shocks I Don't Want"
"Please don't surprise me with a kid or a failed marriage. I start wondering what went wrong with this guy who you were committed to for so long."

You hear that, ladies? You're only allowed to get married once. Ever. Because if you can't make a relationship with one person last your entire life, you clearly aren't good for any relationships at all ever again.

"I never want to discover that you're actually a man. 'Oh, by the way, I have a penis.' Or even worse, I don't want to feel something that clearly shouldn't be there."
LOL TRANSSEXUALS LOL YOUR SEXUALITY IS SOOO FUNNY CAUSE IT'S SOOO GROSS LOL. Anyway, does this really happen a lot? All the transgendered people I know are very upfront with potential partners. I've never heard of anyone who enjoys acting as a boogeyman "trap" who goes around triggering fratboy homopobia for yucks.

But if you [have sex with your eyes closed], she'll start to think you're fantasizing about her sister or trying to avoid seeing her fat elbow.
Fat elbow? Seriously?

"I recently moved in with my boyfriend. He always leaves the toilet seat up, which drives me nuts. [blah blah yelling doesn't work blah] When I was flipping through a magazine one afternoon, I ripped out all the ads with sexy, half-naked male models in them and taped one to the underside of the toilet-seat cover. I knew he'd be too lazy to untape the page and that it would force him to lower both the cover and the seat to avoid staring at a shirtless dude. The one time he did remove the picture, I put another back within minutes
LOL HOMOPHOBIA LOL GEE IT NEVER GETS OLD LAUGHING AT HOW RIDICULOUS IT WOULD BE IF A MAN WERE ATTRACTED TO MEN I MEAN EWWWW LOOOLLLLL. If you want to put an aversive picture on the toilet seat, is a good-looking man really the worst thing you can think of?

Also, even if he's being good, he still has to look at the dude while he pees.

The nervous system located along the spine acts like a traffic cop for his brain, directing it to (a) fill his penis with blood and help him stay erect, (b) speed up his pulse, and (c) forcefully contract his muscles until he climaxes. The spinal nerves also connect directly to those on his penis. So during foreplay glide your nails up and down his back or massage him with your breasts--he'll get a rush down below.
Well, only if you manage to crack open some bones and massage him inside his spinal column. (Actually, not even then, you'd probably just paralyze him.) I mean, yes, the spinal nerves connect to almost everything below the chin, and the penis is one of those things, but... NERVES DO NOT WORK LIKE THAT!!!

Surprisingly, his feet--and especially his toes--have a neurological connection with his penis. The area of his brain that regulates foot sensation is situated right next to the region that controls his erection.
So? That doesn't mean he feels foot sensations in his dick; I mean, how could he walk? The nervous system is actually a very organized thing that likes to put foot sensations in the feet and dick sensations in the dick, or you'd feel it in your eye every time you squeezed your thumb. If you want to stimulate his cock, stimulate his cock! If you want to stimulate his back or feet, hey, that's nice too, but you don't have to kid yourself.

[Do] watch the game with his friends. [Don't] cheer really loudly, chug beers, or tell off-color jokes. Let's put it this way: it's really hard for him to be sexually attracted to someone who reminds him of his buddies.
Yeah, it's such a total turn-off when women enjoy the same things that humans enjoy.

Q: I've been with my boyfriend for almost six months now, and we've never had a fight. This might sound crazy, but I've tried to get him mad by being bitchy for no real reason, and he never takes the bait. Does it mean that he's not passionate about me?
A: Yes. Yes, you are crazy. Very crazy.

[How to] claim your space if the person next to you on an airplane is taking up too much room: Approach the flight attendant and say "I'm very claustrophobic, and my seatmate and I aren't fitting in the space. Any chance I could get a new spot?" If that's not possible, stake your territory by putting down the armrest and placing your bag on the floor line that separates your space. Then put your arm on the shared armrest and your head in that hand, so it will be hard for him to invade your body zone. Also, stand up a magazine or folger between the seat cushions to accentuate the divide between you.
If I ever have to sit next to you on an airplane, I will beat you. I will take you out back after we get past terminal security and I will make you eat the tarmac.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Never mind.

Nah, not getting laid tonight. I'm kinda tired and unhorny and I've got work tomorrow and I'd rather just stay in. HOT LAZY BLOGGER ACTION! Oh baby I'm sitting in a comfy chair with my legs up as I type this oh baby.

No sex. :(

The date was a resounding "eh." He's a good-looking and good-hearted guy, and he was nice to me and we had a nice time I guess, but there was just no connection. You know how sometimes you get wrapped up in conversation with someone and by the end of the night it's like you've known each other for years? It was exactly the opposite of that.

So I didn't fuck him. It would've been unbearably awkward, and anyway I wasn't getting too aroused by the job-interview-ish "so, uh, tell me some books you enjoy, and why" nature of the date. He wasn't exactly all over me either. Our chemistry was like mixing argon and neon: nothing bad happens, but...

Welp, now I've had a proper date, fuck that noise, tomorrow I'ma get laid.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Cosmocking: Not Losing All My Conservative Friends Quickie Edition!

Gotta get politics off the top post. I may be, I dunno, a "moderate independent liberaltarian" or whatever, but deep down my political understanding doesn't go deeper than "why can't we all just hug," so perhaps my piehole should stay closer to my areas of expertise.

Like 67 New Blow-His-Mind Moves. In which I cherry-pick for the stupid ones.

But first, this was on a sidebar:
he's mad that I'm leaning how to do CPR -- he says doing mouth-to-mouth is cheating on him
Wow. (Tell him about barrier masks and BVMs... while you're leaving because he is insane.)

4. “I melt when a girl screams a foreign phrase in bed. I was with one woman who used to yell Mucho gusto! I loved it. Turns out, it means ‘nice to meet you.’” —Gordon, 32
Je ne sais quoi! Mazel tov! Schadenfruede! Das vadanya! La grenouille le melon baisers!

6. “My girlfriend showed up at my door in a trashy outfit and introduced herself as my chick’s naughty pretend twin sister, Candy. She pushed me against the wall, we had mad sex, and then she left. The next day, she acted like nothing happened.” —JR, 27
Hm. She might also be crazy. (Or you might go to meet her family, and Candy will be there, and then shit's gonna get awkward.)

16. “This one girl wouldn’t let me manually guide my shaft into her, so I had to navigate without using any hands.” —Marshall, 23
Again, possibly crazy? Also, I guess a challenge is fun, but I'm not sure I see the erotic appeal of five minutes of "woops", "ouch", and "hangon, that's my butt."

22. “When my girlfriend found a tear in her sheet, she pulled my penis through the hole, and we had sex with the material separating us. The fact that the only parts of our bodies that touched were our naughty bits made it feel forbidden.” —Samuel, 27
I... guess? This is one of those things that might have actually worked in the moment, but for someone to try it because they read it in the magazine is only going to come out bizarre. (Also, your Hasidim joke goes here.)

35. “Try this only if you’re on the floor: When he’s on top, wrap your arms around each other, and rock from side to side. The blood rush he’ll get will amp up his orgasm.” —Sue, 27
It seems like sort of a cuddly romantic thing to do (sorta), but blood rush? Really? Are you a centrifuge?

42. “Take his member into your mouth, and suck hard as you slowly pull back up. Then swirl your tongue over the tip.” —Kia, 30
Nothing at all wrong with this tip... except that they're now listing the very concept of oral sex as a "new blow-his mind tip." "For a real erotic thrill, try taking his penis and putting it in your vagina! Then move back and forth a lot! This will stimulate key nerve clusters in both of you and greatly intensify your orgasms!"

44. “Guys love how it feels to enter you. Next time you have sex, ask him to pull out after 12 thrusts, and stroke his penis for a few seconds. Then let him penetrate again.” —Sarah, 28
"Stop, stop! Pull out! ...What, don't you really like that?"

46. “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.” —Cindy, 32
I feel like I've read this one before. (Only under a slightly different fake name and age.) It must really be true then! After all, it does make perfect sense.

47. “When on top, lean forward, and cup your hands over his ears. Depriving him of this sense will heighten the others.” —Mary, 29

61. During doggie-style sex, lean on one arm, reach back, and scratch his boys in a circular motion.
Yeah, yeah, men like to scratch their balls, but I don't think they like it that way.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Prop 8 WON?!?!?

Why the fuck would you vote against gay marriage? If you're gay you're for it and if you're not you've got no self-interest either way, so what the hell happened? Who is voting against this? Why? How do they justify themselves?

I don't understand people.

But hey, Obama won, and...y'know, I'm not that stoked that he beat McCain, I could've lived with either, but I'm glad as fuck that Bush is going. It was thirty-five degrees in Seattle last night, and this was the scene on the street:

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I have an actual, honest-to-God date Sunday with someone I enjoy socially but have not exchanged photographs or discussion of genitalia with! I'm very excited. Are we going to have sex? I DON'T KNOW! Fascinating feeling.

Also, remember that retarded "Porn for Women" book from way back? I randomly found a page with some scans. Yeah... it's retarded all right. I mean, the models are awful cute, but... my first thought of what I'd do with them isn't "home-cooked dinner." (And even assuming that I go along with the "women's greatest fantasy is clothed cute men being doormatty!" conceit, I don't want a man who pulls over for directions. I want a man who knows how to use the Thomas Guide.)

Sunday, November 2, 2008


This may just be me, but my nipples are almost numb. I can feel it when they're forcefully bitten or pinched (mmm), but trying to gently caress them? Doesn't do much. My breasts can appreciate soft touches; although the nipples are pink and sticky-outy and all, they're actually not sensitive at all.

I still like seeing a dude's mouth on them though.

Your breastage may vary. But it's always worth asking! It's pretty widely known that some men have sensitive nipples and some don't; I'm here to point out that women are the same.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

First Date Fucking.

Sorry for no posty, it's been a busy week, with insane amounts of overtime (85 hour workweek, good Lord) and Halloween partyin' duties to boot.

Anyway I've been thinking about dates, and specifically about the third-date rule. Which I've never followed; I live by a first-date rule. Unless it was an unalloyed oh-God-he's-a-creep-when-will-it-be-over disaster, every date I've been on has ended without pants. (Due to the "women are the gatekeepers of sex, men take whatever they can get" paradigm of American society, or possibly my immense charms, no guy has ever had a problem with this.) Every guy I've ever considered a boyfriend has gotten pantsless on the day we met.

I've had a lot of people tell me this is a bad idea. He won't respect you, he won't enjoy it if there's no "challenge" or "chase", he won't think you have relationship potential.

To which there are a lot of answers: hey, he got naked too; my sexuality isn't some prize I hand out; fucking a woman isn't disrespecting her; hey, I've gotten some swell boyfriends out of it.

But I worry sometimes. You can make logical arguments and you can bemoan the dominant paradigm, but that doesn't undominant it and in the end I'd rather have a fulfilling relationship than fix the world. Should I start waiting to have sex? Hold off til the third date, until he puts effort into wooing me, until we've got some sort of real connection? Because I use the word "slut" but deep down I'm not a slut; I'm just a very horny conventional girl, and what I really want is a steady boyfriend I can fuck about eight times a day. If I could achieve this paradoxically by not having sex for a couple days, I'd do it.

It feels so goddamn manipulative though. I really hate that kind of dishonest power differential, the idea that I'm withholding something from him to control him. If I didn't want sex that would make it okay, but I do so it's dishonest to act otherwise. I think the only ethical option is for me to start humping his leg before we're out of the restaurant.