Kinky philosophy for vanilla sex.

Via tumblr happybdsm, which is awesome

[Oh jeez it's been too long. I don't even have a good excuse this time.  The dog ate my blogging schedule? Bad dog.]


For all the problems in the reality of kink, I love the ideals.  Kinksters may not practice perfect consent and communication (or, sometimes, any), but at least we know we're supposed to.  We talk about these things, we have classes and workshops on them, we even pass out little flyers about consent and communication.  I wish everyone did that.  I wish everyone, in this way, had sex the way kinksters do.


You can't avoid communication in kink, because the category of "kink" is too wide open for there to be any "default" script for play.  "Wanna hmm-hmm y'know? [meaningful eyebrow wiggle]" is just not ever going to convey "wanna tie me to a chair and verbally humiliate and lightly beat me?"  You've got to come out and say it, because there's just no other way your partner will have a clue what you're thinking.

You can't be fuzzy about consent in kink, because what you're doing would be literally torture if it weren't for consent.  You can't beat a person black and blue with a cane because they seem like they want you to.  You really have to reconsider your life choices if you start tying a person immobile because they didn't tell you to stop.  I mean, that doesn't make you a little insensitive or "bad at communicating," that makes you a few steps shy of being the goddamn Jigsaw killer.

Is either of these things really unique to kink?  I don't think so.  There's certainly a cultural "default" script for heterosexual vanilla intercourse, but is that the only sex you want to have your whole life?  And there's certainly more tolerance in society for "I kissed him so he should've known I wanted to have sex" than there is for "I kissed him so he should've known to handcuff my wrists to my ankles," but I'm not sure the first is any less absurd or dangerous.



Sex is a scene.  Even if there's not a bit of kink to it, if it's entirely gentle and egalitarian and "normal," it's a scene.  It's an intense manipulation of another person's body purely (or hopefully at least partly) for the purpose of pleasure.

So what are the rules for a scene?
-You have to negotiate, whether you find negotiation sexy in itself or not.
-You have to be honest with your partner what you're looking for, and expect them to be honest with you.
-You have to take safety precautions, and consciously accept the risks that exist even with precautions.
-You have to respect safewords. ("No," "stop," "wait," and such are safewords unless otherwise negotiated.)
-You have to be aware of your partner's responses and check in with them if things seem off.
-You have to be able to distinguish--and doublethink a little bit--between the fantasy that makes it hot and the reality that makes it ethical.

That's a lot of concepts but not necessarily a ton of work.  In an established relationship you can do it with one sentence sometimes.  Zero sentences if you have pre-negotiated understandings.  What really matters is the mindset--that sex is not a thing that just happens.  Sex is a thing you do, and it's worth doing deliberately.


As with most of my "Cliff's Super Confident Sounding Guide To Life" posts, this is something I'm still working on myself.  I'm guilty of asking for sex with "mmhm y'know" when I really had a lot more to say, and I wish I hadn't, but I still do it sometimes.  Learning to have sex deliberately is a process and not an easy one.  But the rewards (amazing orgasms, snugglywugglies, no "does he really like this" doubts, no "that coulda been better" regrets) are so worth it.  And kink has helped me tremendously on this journey.

I don't think the specific activities of kink are any use to vanilla people.  If you're not wired for this stuff then you're not wired for it.  But I think everyone, kinky or vanilla, should learn how to practice Risk Aware Consensual Fuckin'.

Orientation speech.

[Oh God it's been too long since I last posted.  I meant to!  But then I moved into a new house!  It's not far from the old one but it's much nicer and it's also a kink-friendly space.

Which is something I didn't want to be important to me--hey, I'm not "a kinkster," I'm just a person who is kinky!--but it turns out to be huge.  The feeling of having nothing to hide, of being able to tell my roommate honestly about my weekend, of not needing to censor the contents of my room before opening the door, of not needing to constrain the way I interact with my boyfriend in the house... turns out that's not a silly whim.  It's something that takes a gigantic weight off my shoulders.  I feel safe in my home, and I'm just now realizing I didn't before.

...I also didn't feel safe in the old home because apparently my roommate was letting random people shoot up in the house.  I found that out as I was leaving.  Lovely. But not my problem anymore.

Anyway. I only just now got Internet in the new house.  So I've got some posting to do this week!]

This started as a joke.

"Welcome to Holly's vagina!  Please stay seated for this important briefing.

"Very little foreplay is required, but in the event that insufficient moisture is available, artificial lubrication is available in your seat pocket or beneath the seat ahead of you. Make ample use of this lubrication, as it greatly enhances the experience and reflects in no way on your performance or her enthusiasm, and can be used as a floatation device. 

"Roughly one inch above your seat you'll note the clitoris, illuminated with red and white indicator lights.  Tampering with the clitoris is a federal offense and may result in a fine or jail time.  Unauthorized clitoral stimulation will result in delay of our trip, and continuing to manhandle the clitoris and claiming 'but girls like this' may result in cancellation of your ticket. 

"Directly inside the vagina, on the front side, you will find our exclusive The Happy Place™ facility.  Feel free to enjoy The Happy Place™ throughout your trip, but please bear in mind that this facility is designated primarily for rubbing and massaging, and extensive or forceful thrusting in this area may not produce the desired effect.  If at any time during your trip you wish to thrust forcefully, please activate your call light for assistance and we will direct you to the most comfortable positions to do so. 

"In the event of an emergency orgasm, please assist those around you with their orgasms before securing your own, bearing in mind that the plastic bag may not inflate. 

"Enjoy your trip!  You may use approved electronic devices at this time."

Truth is, though, having an orientation spiel for my vagina is damn useful.  Simply sitting down and writing that, airplane jokes and all, clarified things.  To have good sex, it helps to know what you like--and to know what you like, it helps a whole lot to actually put it down in words.

Giving a little speech on The Care And Feeding Of My Vagina is one of those things that seems awkward, until you realize how awkward the alternative is.  Getting someone up to speed on my physical quirks makes the difference between constantly interrupting sex with "whoa no not that" (or worse, politely enduring "whoa no not that" things) and having things just flow.  It's not just about catering to my own needs, either; letting my partner know what's up with my body gives them an idea of where to start and relieves some of their performance anxiety, and it gives them an opening to tell me what's up with their body.

Obviously I wouldn't really do it flight-attendant style?  (Or I might.  Mixing "sexy" and "hilarious" is underrated.  This weekend I watched a couple have a pillowfight while having sex.  It was adorabawesomesexy.)  But I really would make a little speech out of it.  A breathy speech right in my partner's ear, given between deep kisses, with my hand running through their hair, maybe.  Or a cheery, matter-of-fact one over dinner.

...Or one posted on my blog, under the clever guise of talking about how to clarify sexual needs.



Sex for me is a three-step process.
1. Find out what you want.
2. Make sure your partner knows what you want, and you know what they want.
3. Dirty sweaty monkey love.

Step 3 gets all the glamor.  But it's rare chemistry indeed that makes Step 3 just work out without any planning.  The awkward, talky, using-the-word-clitoris-without-giggling process of the first two steps is where the real magic happens.

Why have sex?

Rowdy and I had another little relationship summit last night.  We're trying to make it a monthly thing.  It's quickly gone from "well, that's a little silly, we can talk whenever something comes up" to "oh my God I'm so glad we have a designated time to air everything out."  Doing it once a month also means that the airing-outs are relatively small; with only a month of conflict backlog, there's no big "here's everything about you that bothers me, all at once" emotion-dump.


We had two important discussions at this meeting.  (Well, two that are any of your business.)

The first one went a little like this:

"I feel like we're not having as much sex as I'd like lately."
"Yeah, me too, I'd like to have a lot more sex."
"Really? I haven't been initiating because I thought you weren't interested and I didn't want to pressure you!"
"...I wasn't initiating because I thought you weren't interested and I didn't want to pressure you!"

So that was nice to clear up before our little sexual "who's on first" turned tragic.


The second big discussion came when I whipped out my kink worksheet for us to do together. Again, it seemed a little silly, considering we've been together a year and a half.  And again... turns out we've been together a year and a half and there were still things we didn't know about each other's sexuality.

The most interesting one had very little to do with kink.  Rowdy and I found out that we have sex for completely different reasons.

The question of "why do you want to have sex?"* sometimes sounds silly--because you've got a sex drive, right?  Hormones and stuff.  And because you're attracted to your partner and hopefully like them at least a little. Emotions and stuff.

It sounds self-evident, but when you start asking "okay, so why do you want to have sex, rather than just masturbate for the hormones and cuddle for the emotions?", it gets complicated fast.  And it gets diverse.

In my case, it's about escapism.  I'm a person who spends a lot of time in my head, criticizing and analyzing, and I love something that yanks me out of my head into my body, puts me in the here and now, narrows my focus to nothing but sensation.  For Rowdy, it's about pleasing.  He's very much of a service top and even something of a service fucker--he wants to see me come more than he wants to come.

And for me it's also a little bit about validation--about knowing someone finds me sexy, holy shit, sexy enough to actually fuck, whoa.  (Somehow it's still a surprise.)  And for him it's also a little bit about sensation; a very specific sensation, the muscularity of our play and sex, the whumph of muscle on muscle, the dull thudding impact of fucking.

The sex we had after this little meeting was amazing.  It went whumph and it drove me out of my mind.


So I think "why do you want to have sex?" is a good question to ask your partner and yourself.  When you treat it like a foregone conclusion then it's harder to know exactly what you want out of sex.  When you think "I want it for the usual reasons" it's too easy to have what you assume is the usual sex--instead of your sex.

Plus I just think it's sort of funny: when I tell someone (outside Kinkland) I like to get punched and flogged and thrown around like a ragdoll and kicked in the crotch, the first and most obvious question is "why? what's in that for you?"  But when I tell them I like to have a penis in my vagina, nobody thinks to ask.

Why not?



*All this is assuming that you do want to have sex.  Which shouldn't be a foregone conclusion either.  There's also a universe of reasons to not want sex.

Five Things You Might Not Know About Contraception.

Contraception's been in the news lately.  Which is so weird.  I mean, it's the 21st century!  We have iPhones and robotic surgery and Roombas and Segways!  How is this even a thing?

In a sense, it's not.  The real issue is "will religious organizations be required to include free contraception in their healthcare plans?" which while still an important issue, isn't at all the same thing as "should contraception even exist?"  And yet it seems to have drawn all the creeps who want to yell "contraception shouldn't exist because SLUTS!" out of the woodwork anyway.

I don't want to expound too much on how I feel about this, because I think it's pretty obvious where I stand.  You think I'm going to spring the anti-birth-control stance on you here?  Seriously.

So instead, I'm going to expound on some relatively little-known, and hopefully useful, facts about birth control.



1. You can use regular birth control pills as an emergency contraceptive.
If you have access to birth control pills but not Plan B, you can take extra pills to prevent pregnancy after having unprotected sex.  Here's a table of the correct dosages.  This is not an abortion method and won't stop an implanted pregnancy, but it's effective for more than just the "morning after"--although sooner is better, emergency contraception can work up to five days after unprotected sex.  (It also doesn't appear to cause any birth defects, so if it doesn't work, keeping the pregnancy and having a healthy child is still an option.)

2. You're probably paying too much for condoms.
Drugstore prices are highway robbery.  (Or at least highway rubbery.)  $15 for a package of 12?  Maybe $10 for the crappy brand?  Yep, still cheaper than diapers, but you can do way better than that.

If you have a credit card and a mailing address, you can buy a giant bag of 100 for less than $19 here.  I can personally vouch for that brand being reliable and comfortable on the vagina side, and I've gotten good reports on the comfort for the penis side.  I can't vouch for these, but they're even cheaper--under $14 for 100.  At that price, you can afford to have sex and make ballon animals.

3. "Pulling out" works better than you think.
Withdrawal has a bad reputation; most people think it's more of a bad joke than a birth control method.  But actually, if it's done correctly, it works better than a sponge or a diaphragm.  Interruptusing your coitus is 96% effective over the course of a year--if you do it right.

That's the catch, though.  Pulling out is trustworthy; penises often are not.  And if you have an "oh oh OHHHHH oh shit" moment, or if there's residual sperm in the urethra, your risk of pregnancy goes up to 27% over the course of a year.  (You can remove residual sperm from your urethra by always peeing before sex and after any time you ejaculate.)  So I don't really recommend this method--except that it is by far the most effective method that requires no money, no drugs, no trips to the doctor or drugstore, no pre-planning.  All you need is your bodies (and some trust and ejaculatory control).  It's not the best birth control method, but it's the best one that you can do entirely on your own.

Note: I am not advising you to rely on withdrawal for contraception.  It is not a very good idea.  It provides no protection from STIs and 27% is not great odds. Condoms can be gotten for free or dirt cheap and they protect you from infection as well as being much more effective protection against pregnancy.

4. Spermicide is way, way, worse than you think.
The pregnancy rate (over a year) with typical use of spermicidal foam/jelly/film is 29%.  That's not great odds.  It's certainly better than nothing (85% risk), but it's worse than condoms (15% typical risk), worse than the pill (8% typical risk), worse than the rhythm method (25% typical risk), even slightly worse than pulling out!

Also, if you have a vagina, using spermicide can put your health at risk.  The most common spermicide is nonoxynol-9, which has been found to increase the risk of HIV, HPV, trichomonas, and vaginosis infections.  Sex workers are 50% more likely to contract HIV if they use nonoxynol-9.  And the reason is nasty--because it can cause ulcers to form in your vagina, which creates open wounds for infection to enter.

As pregnancy prevention, spermicide is crappy, but better than nothing; as infection prevention, spermicide is actually worse than nothing.

5. If you're on birth control pills, you don't get a period.
It certainly seems like you do, at least if you're on the 28-day-cycle kind of pill.  But the "period" you get between pill cycles is not a period at all--it's withdrawal bleeding from the change in hormone levels.  Unlike a true period, there's no uterine lining buildup and no egg in it.  It doesn't perform any cleaning or renewing function. It's just bleeding.

So why do pretty much all conventional (and the most affordable) birth control pills make you bleed every month, if it doesn't serve any purpose?  The answer pretty much comes down to "tradition."  "Normalcy."  I've heard claims it gives users "a sense of well-being," which is slightly hilarious.   Confirmation you're not pregnant--I guess that's nice-ish, but is it really worth a week's worth of cramps and stained underpants?  Ultimately, I might have to chalk this one up to "male doctors."

So calling Lybrel "the birth control where you don't have periods" isn't quite right.  Hormonal methods all stop you from getting a period.  Lybrel is really "the birth control where they don't make you bleed for no reason."

Rescripting sex.

Life has scripts.  Little socially-agreed plays that we enact rather than trying to figure out all our interactions from scratch every time.  Many of them are very simple.  There's the script you follow when you're checking out at a store ("have a nice day"), the script for talking to someone who's sad ("I'm so sorry"), and of course the script for talking to a dog ("WHOOZAGOODBOY").

And there's scripts for sex.  Unfortunately, the most common script out there sucks.

Script: Consent Roulette 

Active partner (generally male) and receptive partner (generally female) are alone together.  They're chatting, drinking, or watching a movie.  Active partner detects (or wishful-thinks) the whiff of romance/lust in the air.  Active partner gradually increases his physical closeness to receptive partner and makes some sexual innuendos.  Eventually A goes ahead and kisses R.  If she doesn't object, A leads R to a bed or sofa and lies her down.  A kisses R more and gropes her.  If she doesn't object, A then puts on a condom and R is expected to spread her legs and stuff.  Intercourse happens.

The above script is, let me be clear, not rape.  That's not what I'm saying.  What I'm saying is that it's crappy.  It doesn't give people the chance to have any sex besides kissing->groping->intercourse, it doesn't have any emotional component except A's uncertainty how far R will go, and it's just not all that fun.  Even if A is female and R is male, all that does is ease the man's anxiety a bit; it doesn't fundamentally change the story.

And it's "roulette" because it makes consent all about luck.  If you have this kind of sex with a woman and it turns out she wanted it, then yay--by sheer luck, you're not a rapist!  On the other hand, if she doesn't want it, now she has to play roulette--if she says "stop," will he stop, or will he start holding her down?

This isn't just a first-time-sex script, either.  I've had relationships where every time was kinda like this.  It gets abbreviated and informalized a little with familiarity, but it's the same basic scene: guy senses "the mood" is right and guy starts doing his thing unless girl says "stop."  After a while, even if it's totally consensual, it's just boring.



A big problem with getting people to break that script is that they think you're trying to get them to do this one.

Hypothetical Script: Robot Lawyers Consenting To One (1) Act Of Intercourse 

Active partner and receptive partner are alone together.  They're chatting, drinking, or watching a movie.  Active partner detects (or wishful-thinks) the whiff of romance/lust in the air.  A breaks into the conversation and asks R, "may I kiss you?" If she says yes, they kiss, although he is careful not to place his hands anywhere not specifically pre-approved.  A breaks off the kiss, ceases all physical contact, stares politely into the middle distance, and asks R, "may I touch your left breast? may I touch your right breast also?" If she says yes, he touches her breasts.  After some silent, tentative, arms-length touching he breaks off again and composes himself before asking, "would you like to have sex?"  If R responds positively, he clarifies: "with me?"

No question, that shit is dull and awkward and probably would work excellently as Vagina Repellent in an emergency vagina-attack situation.  (I'm overstating my case.  I've totally had sex with guys like that. But I'm kinda charmed by awkwardness.)

But the problem with it is not that it's too sex-positive.  The problem is that it's not sex-positive enough. It's still one-sided, it still treats sex like a linear progression from first base to home run, and it still doesn't give R much of a chance to say anything beyond "yes" or "no."  It may include explicit consent, but it's not a negotiation.

The other problem is that it's kind of a strawman, since explicit consent doesn't magically vaporize all your social skills.  People seem to imagine that talking about sex means talking in the dorkiest possible way, and I honestly don't know why.  Personally, I've never seen the romance in no-talking sex.  I know it's supposed to be all "swept off your feet by the heat of the moment" and shit, but in practice it always seems more clumsy and oafish, like trying to convey the concept of "Deleuze's Plane of Immanence" in Pictionary.  With your feet.  There's shit you can't just convey, you know?  Even in long-standing relationships, it's pretty goddamn hard to say "I want to gently pull your hair while we fuck and whisper sweet dirty things in your ear" with raised eyebrows and meaningful looks.

And then you end up taking a chance and just grabbing their hair when it seems like a look has been meaningful enough, and then they stop everything and go "what the hell are you doing?", and boy, you think you've seen awkward.  Even the most stilted negotiation has nothing on the awkwardness of that crushing moment when you're forced to admit you don't have Sexy ESP after all.



So the structure of this post requires me to write a good script at this point. But I'm having trouble coming up with just one, because the essence of the good script is that you're dealing with each other as humans, that you're enacting your sexuality and not some stock scene.  So I can't write you the good script.  But I'll write one possible one.

Script: Communicative Sex That Doesn't Suck 

Partners A and B are alone together.  A detects (or wishful-thinks) the whiff of romance/lust in the air.  A says to B, "You are so goddamn cute, you know that? I'd really like to make out with you."  B answers by leaning in and passionately kissing him.
B puts a finger on A's top button and asks "may I?" with a wicked grin and a raised eyebrow.  He nods and she opens his shirt, touching and kissing down his chest.  "Shall we take this to the bedroom?" she asks, looking up at him, her lips brushing his skin just above the line of his jeans.  A responds by taking her hand and leading her there.  B sits on the bed and starts undoing her clothes.  She pulls A into the bed with her.
"Do you want to have sex?" A asks.
"Oh hell yes," B says, and starts kissing A again.  She brings her hand down to the level of his zipper but hesitates, making eye contact before going further.
"Hang on," A says, "just so you know, I really don't like having my balls touched."
"Okay," B says, "but can I play with your cock?"
"Please," A replies, and she slips her hand into his pants, his answer turning to a groan as she wraps her hand around his cock and begins to stroke.

And you know, so forth.  I'm not trying to make this particular scenario a prescriptive thing.  People communicate in different ways.  What really matters is that you know rather than hope that whatever your communication style is, it's in sync--that the other person is intentionally sending all the signals that you're receiving, and vice versa.  It's also nice to get in a little more specificity, both physically and emotionally, than "sex or not sex."  Also, when you're used to this degree of extremely engaged back-and-forth, it's really obvious when something's wrong or the other person isn't really into it.

For me, this is sexy.  What I remember, what turns me on, isn't just the fact that I did stuff to someone, but that I know they wanted it.  The physical action of stroking a dick is boring, it's just rubbing my hand on some skin, whatever, I can take it or leave it.  What's exciting is stroking a dick that wants to be stroked.  It's so hot to know that for certain.  It's not the dick that makes my night; it's the "please."

This is the kind of sexual script we need.  Not necessarily one that's based in talking a lot (although that's what works for me, and you do have to talk some), but one that's based in desire and shared humanity.  One that's based not in "can I do sex to you?" but in "let's do sex together."

Consent culture.

Today I'm going to fulfill a promise I made quite a while ago, and talk about what a consent culture would look like.

A consent culture is one in which the prevailing narrative of sex--in fact, of human interaction--is centered around mutual consent.  It is a culture with an abhorrence of forcing anyone into anything, a respect for the absolute necessity of bodily autonomy, a culture that believes that a person is always the best judge of their own wants and needs.

I don't want to limit it to sex.  A consent culture is one in which mutual consent is part of social life as well.  Don't want to talk to someone? You don't have to.  Don't want a hug? That's okay, no hug then.  Don't want to try the fish? That's fine.  (As someone with weird food aversions, I have a special hatred for "just taste a little!")  Don't want to be tickled or noogied? Then it's not funny to chase you down and do it anyway.

The good news is, there are things you can do to bring this about.  Things beyond just "don't rape people" (although that's an excellent start).



Ways You Can Work Toward The Creation Of a Consent Culture
1. Don't rape people. It does bear saying.  And I don't just mean "don't put on a ski mask and jump on strangers in dark alleys" rape, either.  Don't have sex with someone who is not unambiguously, enthusiastically, and continually consenting.  Don't have sex with someone who says "I guess so" or "okay, fine" (unless they are grinning lasciviously as they say this).  Don't convince someone to have sex.  If they don't want you, really want you from the bottom of their heart and/or groin, respect that.

2. When someone doesn't want to have sex with you and so you don't, talk about it.  Share that you're bummed but also that you take pride in your ability to take it gracefully.

When you didn't want to have sex with someone and so they stopped, talk about it.  Share that despite the awkwardness you're glad they took it gracefully.

These are tough things to discuss (in part because they sound kind of Captain Obvious, like, no shit it was nice of you not to rape someone), but they're important narratives to put out there. Others' stories shape our ideas about sex, and hearing stories that fall outside the "have sex or you're a failure" mindset are important in changing those ideas.

3. When someone tells you about pressuring or tricking someone into sex (and you're in a situation where it's safe to do so), call them the hell out on it.  "That's not cool.  It doesn't sound like he/she wanted it."  You don't have to use the R word, you don't have to tell them they should be arrested, you don't have to call them a rapist piece of shit--you just have to make it clear they're not getting any goddamn high fives.  When you hear someone bragging about sex like it was a prank they pulled on their partner, bring the mood in the room the hell down.

You can do this with fictional stories, too.  You don't even have to be no-fun then.  "Wow, you guys, 'Baby It's Cold Outside' is totally a date rape song."  Without requiring a rant or a buzzkill, it just quietly plants the idea that no, that is not a "totally legit way to get sex" song.

4. When you see something that looks abusive or nonconsensual going on, don't turn your back.  At least be a witness--just the presence of another person can be someone's biggest guarantee of safety.  Stepping in and checking if everything's okay is even better.

5. Ask before touching people.  Say "do you want a hug?" and if they say no then don't hug them--and also don't give them any shit about not being friendly or affectionate.  Don't make a big deal out of it, just make it part of your touching-people procedure.  If they say "you don't need to ask!" nod and smile and keep on asking.

6. Negotiate sex!  Explicitly negotiate sex play, and BDSM play if you do that.  Be eminently clear about the fact that play is not a package deal for you, and your partner is free to change their mind about any part of it at any time--as are you.  Err on the side of blunt, and say corny shit like "can I kiss you now?" and "I'd like to touch your chest."

Once in a blue moon (really not as often as some people would have you think), you may run into a partner who refuses to negotiate, or who says "I would have done it before you killed the mood by asking."  Do not have sex or play with this person.  Their loss.  This is you putting the principle of "consent matters" above the principle of "have sex at all costs!", and you can brag about it when you're busy changing narratives.

7. Re-negotiate sex!  While I don't think every step of "can I kiss you now?" is necessary in a long-term relationship (although Rowdy and I really do ask every time about intercourse), it's important to keep talking about what you want and don't want.  You're not strangers anymore, no, but you're also not merged into the same person.  Keep active consent alive in your relationships.

8. Learn to love consent.  I worry that I've made getting consent sound like a chore.  It's anything but. Asking for consent is a moment of delicious tension, of emotional connection.

A "yes" brings the joy of knowing someone is really hot for you, really wants you.  It means that they're going to not just go along with but be into the stuff that comes next.  That's not "prerequisite checked off," that's "awesome, this is going to be so much better now."

A "yes, conditionally" helps you be a better lover to them, someone who can give them just what they want and nothing they don't want.

9. Learn to appreciate "no." A "no, not at all" is bittersweet--or okay, sometimes it's fucking crushing--but it brings some finality and certainty with it.  If you're not going to have sex anyway (and you're not, unless you were going to rape this person), at least you get to banish the "maybe I could have, why didn't I try" thoughts.

Remember that ultimately asking for consent is not asking someone to make a decision whether they want sex with you or not.  That decision's going to get made, one way or another.  Asking for consent is simply asking to know about that decision.

10. Talk about consent.  Make consent part of the stories you tell about sex.  Just a natural part of the process, something that ought to be taken for granted will be part of a sex story.

"So last night I asked Sandra if she wanted to hook up and she totally said yes."
"Ohmygod, Jane asked me to have sex with her, and it was awwwwesome."
"I heard that Rob and Josie--I'll totally kill you if you tell anyone--totally agreed to have sex at Jesse's party!"
"Kirk laid Spock tenderly across the science console and whispered hoarsely in the Vulcan's pointed ear, 'Do you want this? Do you want me inside you?'"

11. Bring consent out of the bedroom. I think part of the reason we have trouble drawing the line "it's not okay to force someone into sexual activity" is that in many ways, forcing people to do things is part of our culture in general.  Cut that shit out of your life.  If someone doesn't want to go to a party, try a new food, get up and dance, make small talk at the lunchtable--that's their right.  Stop the "aww c'mon" and "just this once" and the games where you playfully force someone to play along.  Accept that no means no--all the time.

Beyond what's necessary for their health and education (and even that touches iffy territory), I don't believe in doing this to kids, either.  The size and social-authority advantages an adult has over kids shouldn't be used to force them to play games or accept hugs or go down the big slide.  That sets a bad, scary precedent about the sort of thing it's okay to use your advantages over someone for.

It's good to practice drawing your own boundaries outside of the bedroom, too.  It can be shockingly empowering to say something as small as "no, I don't want to sit with you."  "No, you can't have my phone number."  "I love hugs, but please ask me first."  It's good practice for the big stuff.  Simply learning to put your mind in the frame of "this person does not want me to say no to them, and they will resist me doing it, but I'm doing it anyway" is a big, important deal.



Consent culture is a tough thing to build. I think it's got a foothold in BDSM--we at least talk big about consent--but it's far from established here.  It's barely starting to get tiny little footholds in the mainstream culture.  But it grows in little microcultures, tiny bubbles of sex-positivity and circles of friends where consent is the norm, and it has potential to grow so much more.  Give it a hand.  Make it part of your own life, and it becomes just a little bit bigger part of the world.  Start living consent culture.

A sex lesson from a cat.

You can learn an important lesson about sex by petting a cat.

Oh God, no, not like that!  Pet the cat's head!  This is metaphorical!


That aside... if you have a friendly cat handy, go give the kitty some scritches.  Cats, even (or especially) the neutered ones, are shameless pleasure-seekers.  They know what feels good and they have no inhibitions about going for it.  You'll never hear a cat say "I'd love to eat some houseplants, thoroughly lick my own genitals, and spend the rest of the day napping on the sofa, but I'm so worried what people would think!" Cats don't have those hang-ups.

So when you pet the cat, if you're not quite in the right spot, kitty will help you along.  If you're scratching the right ear but kitty's left ear needs some love, kitty will turn its head.

What you can learn is to not compensate for this.  Instinctively, you'll move your hand and follow kitty's right ear around so you're still scratching the same spot.  This isn't what kitty wants.  Kitty wants you to hold your hand still and let kitty work around you.  Otherwise you're at cross purposes, canceling each other out.

Learn to accept messages like this.  If kitty pushes harder against you, don't back off; understand this means kitty wants more pressure and has just showed you exactly how much more pressure would be good.  If kitty pulls away, don't follow; understand this means kitty wants a break.

In this regard, sex partners can be a lot like cats.  (Also sometimes in terms of sounds they make and the ability of a tiny one to somehow crowd you off a huge bed.)  They'll show you what they need with their bodies, and you'll miss the cue if you try to move in sync with them.  If someone tilts their hips differently, presses into you or pulls back a little--keep moving just the way you were moving and make a little mental note, because how they shifted things is how they like it.

Myself, I like real firm pressure on my vulva.  Real firm, grinding right up against the bone, pushing against me like a wrestling hold, hard muscular sex with absolutely no surface delicacy to it.  I try to say this with my words, but I'll also say it with my hips.  When your hand is down my pants and I move my hips up hard against you, don't back up and make me chase you.  Understand that it's a message and listen to it.

Kitties know what they want.  Bodies know what they want.  And sometimes all you have to do is a very deliberate nothing to learn what that is.



[OBVIOUS PUN INTENTIONALLY OMITTED FROM THIS POST]

What do you want?

[Finals are over!  WHEEE!  Big serious essay today!  Cosmocking next!]

I talk a lot on this blog about how sex should be dictated by what the partners want and the most important thing is to communicate and respect everyone's desires.  And I totally stand by that, but I also know that it's not always that simple.  It's not something I do flawlessly in my own life, that's for damn sure.

Because I am not always sure what my desires are.  My sexuality sometimes seems frustratingly opaque to myself.  I want something, I don't just want to kiss my boyfriend good night and go to sleep, but what on Earth is that something?  Why don't I know what I want?



I have been taught not to credit my own desires.  In part that's personal--one of the most insults I've been subjected to was "you're so selfish, all you want is the things you want!"--and in part it's cultural.  The socialization of young women is all about how to not indulge your desires: don't choose food because it tastes good, don't choose clothing because it's comfortable, don't come on too strong to boys, don't be a needy girlfriend, don't say "no" too stridently or "yes" too enthusiastically.  It's not the charitable or ascetic kind of self-denial, but there's a lot of desire-denial, of doing things correctly instead of the way you want.

(I don't think that young men have it so easy either--it's not the same but it's fucked up in different ways--but I don't have much personal experience with being treated like a young man.  My impression is that guys have more permission to express "acceptable" desires, but there's a pretty narrow range of which desires are acceptable.)

And sometimes when you do break through, when you do the things you want, it's impulsive.  It's not gourmet cooking but a binge on raw cookie dough.  It's not an ethical-slut lifestyle but a furtive tryst with a stranger.  It's not truly escaping repression, it's just acting-out.  It lets you indulge some of your more primal desires, but it doesn't let you lucidly understand them.



But now you're done with that crap.  You're not crowd-following or acting-out any more; you're committed to dealing with sex like an adult.  You read feminist sex blogs.  You have self-respect and you're ready to respect your desires. ...Now what?

Simply saying "that was all bullshit! have the sex you want!" isn't going to cut it.  Maybe intellectually, but not emotionally.  Here I am all prepared to acknowledge and communicate my desires, and my desires are... uh... hm.  I'm so used to putting the "no it's bad and selfish to want things" mental block between my desires and myself that I don't even know what's on the other side.

So here are some questions I've started asking myself.

"What do I fantasize about?"
It took years (okay, the years from 12 to 17, but still, those are years!) for me to go from masturbating while fantasizing about scenarios of sexual submission to realizing that I was into sexual submission.  I know it sounds silly, but I hadn't really made the connection between "thing I like to think about" to "thing I want to do."

"What are my best memories?"
Kevin only held me down and spanked me once, ever, in a yearlong relationship.  It still stands out in my mind as the best sex we ever had.

"What am I fascinated with?"
Another thing I did when I was a teenager: I used to read a lot of blogs and websites about kink, thinking that I was merely curious about this strange world I'd discovered, nothing personal, just something I took a detached academic interest in.  (Hi there, by the way, if you're reading this with detached academic interest.)  I had the same experience with healthcare, interestingly--I was reading medical textbooks "just for fun" before I realized it was a field I would actually enjoy working in.

"What am I stopping myself from saying?"
I've had a lot of conversations with partners that started "I... no, never mind, I shouldn't bother you with this, it's silly."  (Sometimes in my head, sometimes out loud, which is my way of forcing myself to continue the thought because very few boyfriends will go "oh, okay then" to an opener like that.)  They usually turned out to be really really important conversations once I broke through that.

The obvious extension of this is "What do I say when I'm drunk?"  Which is not the safest (emotionally as well as physically) way to get your truths out, but it sometimes works.

"What's the bad, obviously incorrect idea I came up with off the top of my head, the one that's weird and gross so I'm trying to revise it so it doesn't sound ridiculous?"
Pretty much always, that's the truth.

"What would I want?"
Imagine you were in Magical Fairy Land where you could have anything you wanted and a genie would give it to you and there would never be any consequences--what would you want then?  Yeah, that's probably what you want now too.

"Let's try this once and see how it goes."
Sometimes you can't learn without experimentation.  So I can't treat everything like a declaration or a commitment.  Sometimes I have to give myself permission to say (and to make sure my partner knows too), "hey, this might not work out, I might need to stop it halfway through, but I won't know until I try it."  It's almost impossible to be right without having a space in your life where it's okay to be wrong.



I'm not promoting selfishness here.  Knowing what you want doesn't mean always doing what you want; if you want polyamory and your partner is monogamous, or if you want to tie up your partner and they're terrified of that, then your job is not done here.  You still have to negotiate and compromise and possibly sacrifice some of your desires. But you can't even start that process until you know exactly what you're negotiating about, and that requires you to know exactly what your own raw, impractical, selfish desires are.



Me, I want four things real bad right now:
1) To have boy clothes and do boy things and sometimes be a boy in sex, but to still be a woman in the end--a really boyish woman.
2) To focus deliberately on reaching altered states through sex and BDSM, rather than having it just accidentally happen to me.
3) To be a primary to my boyfriend.  Which I am, no question, but it's something I want to keep happening and to feel secure in.
4) To get fisted, like, all the time.  Oh man is that just the awesomest thing.

And even after all this preaching I've been doing, typing those out was hard, and pressing "publish" without deleting them was harder.  This "wanting things" business is a tough skill to learn.

How to Buttsex Someone Up But Good.

You want a buttsex post?  I'll give you a buttsex post!  I'll give it to you right up your... Internet connection!


How to Buttsex Someone Up But Good
1. Make sure your butt-buddy wants it.  Really wants it.  If you're doing this to widen their perspective on masculinity or femininity or sexuality, that's the wrong reason.  If you're doing this to prove something or score some sort of points, that's a really wrong reason.  Do it because they and their butt want it.  Ask them how they want it and prioritize that above anything I say here.

(Special note to cis men who have never "pitched" in anal sex: from what I hear, it's not transcendently pleasurable for a penis.  It's fun, sure, but it's not like a magical penis-amazing wonder above all wonders.  It feels like PIV intercourse only sort of different.  It will not bring you some ultra-mega-tight satisfaction that a vagina never could.  So control your expectations here, and if your partner isn't up for it, don't think you're missing out on the best thing ever.)

2. Make sure you're up for it.  Just because you're the penetrating partner doesn't mean it's no big deal for you and you have no basis to object.  It's fine to be uncomfortable with the idea of penetrating someone anally, or to have reservations or specific wishes about how to do it.  Just because you're not putting your ass on the line doesn't mean you don't get a say.

3. Be prepared for poop.  You cannot have buttsex if you don't have some level of comfort with poop.  It's usually not a lot, though; we're talking "smear" here, not "load."  Even so--put down a towel.  Put a glove on your hand and a condom on your dick or any toys.  Have some wipey things available.  There's no need for your partner to have an enema, but they probably shouldn't do this if they've got a poop on deck, if you know what I mean.

4. Be prepared for different reactions.  For some people, it'll be "OH GOD YES OH GOD," for some it'll be "mmm nice," for some it'll be "no, take it out."  People don't deal with anal stimulation in one way, especially if they're new to it.  And the same person on different days doesn't deal with it the same way.  Roll with however it goes.

5. Okay, let's do this thing!  Let's start with... how about some kissing and cuddling, actually? Just because you're using a different hole doesn't mean you gotta be all brusque about it.  Or some wrassling and spanking, if that's how you warm up.  But when your fore is played, let's start with a finger.  A finger with a glove on it, to spare you their butt-germs and to spare them your fingernail.  Lube it up real good.  You can't use too much lube.  Spread it all over your finger and use as much as will stay on it.  Put the pad of your finger on their anus, not pushing, just touching.  Have your partner relax and breathe and when you feel their anus relax a little, just slowly slide your finger on in there.

You'll feel two separate sphincter muscles.  The outer one is under voluntary control; the inner one isn't, at least not directly.  If the inner one won't let you in, don't try to push through, just let your partner work on relaxing and opening up.  (If it really won't let you in, your partner may just not be made for buttsex, at least not on that day.)  Gently massaging it can help.

6. This is the awesome part.  Or the start of the awesome part.  People's butts are hot and smoothly soft inside and you can feel the tiniest contractions of their muscles.  Despite all the warnings you hear about the rectum being fragile, it's also strong; it can grab your hand so hard you worry about yourself more than your partner. But the first thing you want to do after putting your finger in them, if they're new to this, is nothing.  Don't get all thrusty.  Give them a moment to adjust.  Give yourself a moment to just enjoy it.

7a. If your partner is the sort of person who has a prostate, look for the prostate.  (Well, don't look for it.)  It's going to be on the front--i.e., crotchward--side of their rectum, about two inches in.  (If they're Canadian or something it will be five centimeters in.)  A finger slid in all the way and bent should just reach it.  You feel it through the rectal wall, so it's sort of indirect, but you'll know it because:
A) It'll feel like a distinct bump about the size of a walnut, smooth and round.
B) Your partner is likely to go "OH MY GOD RIGHT THERE."

7b. There's two directions you can take this now.  (There's infinity directions. I'll talk about two.)  One is to continue on to the fuckin'.  The other is to just focus on the prostate, because you can get a lot of people the hell off that way.  Just keep rubbing it while you or your partner plays with their genitals, and it's likely to give them an incredibly powerful, I mean blasting orgasm.  I mean, I once made a guy accidentally hit himself in the face this way and he didn't even notice for a little bit.  Then he noticed and it was pretty amusing.

8. If you turned to page 238 to "continue on to the fuckin'," add another finger.  Slowly, gently, and lubily.  Pay attention to how they adjust to this--both in their anus and in their face.  You can gently slide your fingers in and out all sensual-like, but unless your partner asks you to, don't start thrusting like you're trying to churn butter in there.  Anuses aren't vaginas and it won't feel the same way that thrusting into a vagina does.

9. PENIS TIME!  Or dildo time.  Or, I'm not judging here, eggbeater time?  Take your fingers out of your butt-buddy's butt.  Put a condom and heaps and loads of lube on your implement of choice and do like you did with the fingers--just place it against their butt, and wait to feel them relax before pushing.  And again, give them a moment to just adjust to you inside them before you start doing anything.

You will probably not hit the prostate directly with an average-size penis or equivalent toy.  Maybe it'll get some driveby stimulation in some positions, but buttfucking isn't really prostate work.  Not the way Step 7 is.

10. I think you know what to do now.  But do it a bit less vigorously than you normally would.  A lot of in-and-out isn't really how butts work.  Unless your partner is encouraging you to do more, you want to err more toward the "sliding" than the "pounding" end of the scale here.  Check in with them; they may not want you to thrust at all but just be happy with you in their ass.  They may or may not want you to play with their genitals (or let them play with their own junk) while you're in there.  They may be able to go the distance, or they may need you to stop after a bit; again, the only way to know is to check in with them and give them permission to tell you to stop.

11. Clean up (probably don't do this on white sheets) and give your partner a hug and tell them they're awesome.


SAFETY NOTES:
-If you're doing this with a bio-dick, use a condom even if you don't for vaginal sex.  Butt-germs can get in your urethra.

-Blood and pain are not normal, even the first time.  This isn't like losing your hymen; there's no reason the first time should hurt.  (People seem to vary on whether it's okay for it to hurt a little bit.  Personally I think it isn't, but at any rate any pain more than "a little bit" is too much.  If you're gritting your teeth to get through it, you're getting hurt.)

-Lube lube lube lube lube.  And then add more after you've been going for a bit.  Butts not only don't make their own lube, they suck moisture out of the lube you put in them.  Keep things messy wet.

-There are bacteria in the ass that can make you sick if they get in any non-ass body openings.  Don't put anything that's been up someone's butt in anyone's mouth or vagina.

-Your butt-buddy is putting their ass in your hands.  (And vice versa.)  That's one hell of a gift.  Treat it good.

Beyond not rape.

Everyone (well, everyone cool) agrees that consent is the most important thing in sexual activities.  It's the difference between harassment and flirting, groping and foreplay, BDSM and abuse, between sex and rape.

But is that all it's about?  Not violating your partner?  Obviously that's a big deal, but...

Yesterday Rowdy and I had amazing sex.  It was loving and passionate and messy and rough, the kind of sex that scares the neighbors and soaks the mattress, the kind of sex that left me literally high afterwards, falling asleep spooned around Rowdy and whispering "I'm flying" into his ear.

You know what I didn't say to him afterwards?  "Oh baby, that was so not rape."

Having sex that isn't rape is like cooking food that isn't poison.  It's the bare goddamn minimum.  If your list of sex tips consists of nothing but "don't rape" and then goes straight into physical details, you're missing something in the middle.

Few things worry me more than people (okay, men) who say it's difficult to know if someone's consenting or not.  This suggests to me not just that they could be violating someone's consent, but that even if they aren't, they're having terrible sex.  If your idea of sex is limited to "one partner silently gets on and grinds away and the other tolerates it," it can be consensual, but it's probably not much fun.

Sexual communication does have gray areas and fuzzy middle grounds.  It's just that they aren't between rape and not rape--if that isn't a bright glowing line then you have a bright glowing imperative to stop cold until it is.  No, the gray area is between okay sex and great sex, between compromise sex and consensus sex, between "alright, sure" sex and "oh my god yeah let's do this" sex.

The lowest level of communication between Rowdy and me was "do you want to have sex?"  That's the part that made it not rape.  But it wasn't the end of the process.  Things like "I want to fuck you while you're doing yourself with the Hitachi" and "I want you to fist me"--and even smaller things, bits like "squeeze me tight" and "kiss me, kiss me now."  (By the way, I'm just flabbergasted by people who think talking during sex isn't sexy. I mean, you don't talk about the weather, but if these quotes aren't sexy, what is sexy like on your planet?)

So it saddens me when sexual communication is treated as being about consent only.  Consent is step one.  Consent is getting the keys to the car.  But it isn't knowing how to drive it.

And it flat-out horrifies me when sexual consent is treated as fuzzy, because if you don't know for sure if your partner even wants to be doing this, you definitely don't know what they actually like.

Seeking enthusiastic consent is awesome!  By all means, keep it up!  Not raping people is super important!  But it's not nearly enough to build a sex life on.

How to not be creepy.

My name is Holly Pervocracy, and I used to be a creep.

Not the worst kind of creep; I was certainly never dangerous, and it wasn't to the point where I drove everyone away, but I was definitely called creepy a few times. And given the side-eye-while-edging-away a few more times. I had a strong and unusual sex drive, a tendency to be attracted to pretty much everyone I was friends with and a lot of people I wasn't, and didn't know how to express these appropriately. I made jokes that weren't jokes about "ha ha, we should totally make out right now, wouldn't that be hilarious," I shared my fetishes too loudly and way too publicly, and I expressed attraction by puppydogging my crushes pathetically. I gave people the goddamn creeps.

I don't agree with Clarisse Thorn that "creepy" is a meaningless or sexist term. (See Pandagon's response.) I think it has a very clear meaning: someone who is creepy is someone who makes you feel unsafe and uncomfortable in a sexual way. And while you may be unfair in your discomfort--for example, if you feel uncomfortable around anyone who admits they're into BDSM--it's still real. When it's realest are the times when you don't know why you feel it. If someone strikes you as "creepy" and you can't put your finger on it, you feel a little unfair applying the label because they're clearly so nice but you just keep having this feeling--do not get alone with them. "Creepy" may be a pejorative sometimes; other times it's the goddamn Gift Of Fear.

But what if people think you're a creep, and you don't deserve it? I don't think the answer is to tell them that they're being wrong and unfair--you can't argue with a feeling, and trying to debate a person into not being afraid of you is kind of creepy in itself. Sometimes you may just need to move on to another social group. But sometimes there are things you can do to make people feel safer and more comfortable around you, even as you continue to pursue sex and romance. Take it from a recovering creep.

1) Work on your social skills in general.
I'm not going to go in-depth on this because it's an entire topic unto itself. I wrote a post about social skills a while ago that expresses my thoughts on the topic; Succeed Socially is another good resource. If you don't know how to talk to people at all, you're going to come off double-extra-awkward when you try to talk to them about going home with you.

2) Don't treat your life as a quest for sex.
I've done this. I've shaved my pubes before going to social gatherings, gone to them with "am I gonna get laid, am I gonna get laid?" foremost in my mind, and come home alone with my head hanging. Not only did this make me miss out on all the other fun I could have had, not only did this hurt my chances of getting laid by someone who'd like to get to know me a little first, but it was creepy. It meant that I'd do things like:
-Only talking to people I wanted to bang, and ignoring others (people really notice this)
-Turning the conversation around to sex (and specifically, to my sexual desires) too eagerly and too often
-Propositioning people as soon as they seemed remotely friendly
-Giving the impression that I was desperate and would fuck anyone (people are not flattered by "so, you seem to have a pulse" as a come-on line)
-Publicly sulking when it became clear I wouldn't be getting laid
-Emitting loud, obvious vibes of "I'm only here to get laid" (people are amazingly good at receiving those vibes)

All of these were creepy-ass things to do. Once I started going to social events to socialize, with an attitude of "if I get laid, great, but if not, I'll definitely get to hang out with my friends and meet new people," not only did people feel more comfortable around me, but I got laid more often to boot.

3) Don't try to "cheat the system" to avoid rejection.
That is, if you want to date someone, don't come up with elaborate schemes to force yourselves together in inescapable situations--oh look, we got assigned to the same work/class group, guess we're stuck together now--or ask them on clearly not-date activities that you plan to secretly turn into dates. Don't try to arrange any romantic-comedy "coincidences." Don't target your efforts at people who seem like they'd have trouble saying "no" (whether because they're young, new to the area or the social group, or just meek)--you don't have to ignore these people, but everyone will notice if you're going after them preferentially.

And if you want to have sex with someone, for God's sake don't be this guy. In every case, just freaking ask. The point of asking someone is not to get a "yes" by any means necessary; it's to find out how they feel about you.

Realize that, post-high-school, most people are not cruel in saying no. Rejection is awkward and painful for the rejector too, and anyone worthy of your affection is going to be gentle about it. If you know each other at all as people (and sometimes even if you don't), they're not going to laugh or insult you or tell all their friends how gross you are. They're just going to tell you that you won't be dating them, which is a situation you were already living with.

If someone says no, that means no. Don't keep asking and don't ask "why not?" The answer to "why not" is never something you want to hear, and forcing it out of someone will never change their mind; it'll just be excruciating for both of you.

4) Don't get angry or resentful.
It shows. Oh god does it show. If you feel like you're not being treated "fairly" when you ask for dates or sex, if you feel like you're not getting what you "deserve," if you're just angry and frustrated by the world in general and by attractive members of your preferred gender in particular--go home, pour yourself a beer, watch some TV, take some deep, deep breaths, and don't go back in the dating pool (or, ahem, commenting online) until your head has cleared.

When it comes to sex and romance, get the concept of what you "deserve" out of your vocabulary--and as much as possible, out of your mind. You deserve safety and respect... but someone can give you those without going out with you. When it comes to deserving a particular person, or deserving to have a partner or to have sex--think of a job interview. Would you hire the candidate who tells you that they really need this job and it would be unfair to give it to someone else, or the candidate who seems like they'd be good at the job?

5) Don't scare people.
The feeling of being "creeped out" is, ultimately, a feeling of fear. And if you make people afraid that you could genuinely harm them, then it doesn't matter how smooth and sexy you are; you're going to be treated like the worst kind of creep.

Here are my handy-dandy hints on how to not be scary:
-Don't corner people. Propositioning someone in an elevator, a moving vehicle, a deserted area, or in the metaphorical corners created by their job or their academic career--super creepy.
-Don't talk about violence. When you say "I oughta have punched that guy for how he talked to me," what I hear is "if you talk to me wrong, I might punch you."
-Keep your grubby little mitts to yourself unless you have their enthusiastic consent. (If you're not in a BDSM/feminist setting, this consent may be with body language and implications rather than explicit words, but there's still a very obvious difference between "consent" and "not resisting.")
-Don't publicly insult your preferred gender or advocate politics that degrade them. No one believes you when you try to turn on a dime and say "but you're different, honey."

6) Aspire to be a friend to everyone; the sex will follow.
Not in the Nice Guy sense of "be a friend to get sex." But if you can become popular in a social group--be someone that people like to talk to and laugh with, someone they call when everyone's heading to the bar and someone who's likely to show up to help out before the party--then you're much less likely to be perceived as creepy. And you'll probably get laid, just because knowing people and having connections means that you're likely to know and be connected to someone who wants to fuck you.

The least creepy people I know are the ones who can socialize with everyone in a pally, casual, undemanding way and just relax and have fun with it. This might be more important than everything else on this list; if you're good at being a friend, I think uncreepiness comes along almost inevitably.

7) Brush your teeth.
And don't wear a raincoat indoors, especially when it's not even raining.

Sex anyway.

2005: I have sex with a guy, and it's miserably futile; try as I might, I just can't get him off. I keep going, sinking into desperation as my vagina gets sore so I use my mouth, and I start gagging so I use my hand, and my hand makes him sore so eventually he just tells me to give it a goddamn rest already. I sit around awkwardly, feeling like a useless failure, as he jerks himself off. He doesn't particularly enjoy it but just does it for relief. I wonder if I'll ever have the sexual skills to get a guy off properly, inside me and under my power.

2011: I have sex with a guy, and he doesn't come during the penis-in-vagina part of the sex. We separate when we get to a good ending point and I hold him and make out with him while he jerks himself off. I whisper in his ear how hot it is to feel his muscles tense as he pleasures himself. And I'm not kidding; I start masturbating along with him and then slip the fingers of his free hand into my pussy. The feeling of my muscles clenching around his fingers sends him over the edge and he comes explosively. We fall asleep entwined, satisfied.



Having mechanically perfect sex with your bodies in perfect unison is overrated. Knowing how to have good sex anyway, how to create an experience that's sexy and sweet even when someone has a limp dick or dry pussy or trick hip, is tragically underrated.

"I don't know."

I've talked a lot before about the need for communication in BDSM and in relationships in general, but for the longest time I had trouble doing it honestly. Because the advice is usually "ask for what you want," but I didn't always know what I wanted, and I felt like that rendered me unable to communicate. It's one thing to say "I like thuddy impact especially on my shoulders and upper back and I'll be cooperative but not submissive in my role"; but if all you can put together is that you think you'd like kinky stuff and to be on the bottom and for it to be sexy and you don't really know exactly what that means, what do you say?

The answer is "I think I'd like kinky stuff and to be on the bottom and for it to be sexy, but I don't really know exactly what that means." It's okay. Better than bluffing like you're experienced, better than mumbling into your hands--simply say what you're thinking even when it isn't totally clear and coherent. That's what really helps a partner work with you.

(In kink, talking about how you'd like to feel--"I'd like to be a little afraid," "I'd like to feel totally under your control," "I only want the physical sensations,"--can also help. It's not a replacement for explicit negotiation, because different things scare different people, but it starts the "well, what makes you afraid?" conversation.)

This goes for relationship stuff too. When someone says "Where do you think this relationship has going?" there's no need to try and make up something that sounds sensitive (or to cannonball out the window, do a shoulder roll, and run down the street screaming). If you haven't thought about it, "you know, I haven't given that enough thought yet, but I do love/like you a lot" is the answer that can start an honest conversation.




I know this sounds incredibly obvious, but it took me a long time to learn how to say "I don't know" gracefully and while still providing as much information as I do know. Communication doesn't mean saying the right things. It means saying what you're really thinking.

Getting into BDSM Part 3: Safety.

[Repost; original post was eaten in Blogger crash.]

BDSM is not, in itself, super mega dangerous. It's like any contact sport--there's always a risk of an accident, so it's good to be prepared, but the risk isn't so high that you should be afraid to try it. And BDSM people are no different than any group of people--most will never harm you unless in a freak accident, a few will harm you through incompetence or pigheadedness, and a very small minority will harm you on purpose.

All this applies to tops and Doms as well as bottoms and subs; you may be at less physical risk, but bad things can still happen. And all this applies to emotional harm as well as physical; if someone makes you cry in the bad way and doesn't try to comfort you, that's "harm" just as much as if they bruised your face.

That said, there are some precautions that will help keep you and your partners safer:

Trust your instincts.
This is the most important thing. If a person seems to have nothing wrong with them that you can put your finger on, but they just give you the willies, the skeevies, and/or the heebie-jeebies--DO NOT PLAY WITH THEM. If a particular activity, invitation, or group of people makes you more nervous than it really ought to--stay away. That crawly feeling on your spine and that sinking feeling in your stomach are the best safety aides you have. They are not wrong. They are not silly. You should not "give that person/activity a chance." Do not doubt your gut.

Don't be afraid to be a picky, stuck-up, arbitrary jerk. "No" requires no explanation and no debate. Play with someone because you want to, not because you can't come up with a good reason not to. If someone asks you "why not?" after a "no," that's a big ol' warning sign in itself.

Don't play in private with strangers.
I'll play with strangers--well, with new friends, at least--in a party with lots of my older friends around. But if I'm on unfamiliar turf, or one-on-one, I need to know someone as a friend before we play. It takes a certain amount of trust, and exactly how much is up to your own judgement, but it's an amount of trust that has to build up with time and getting to know them. If you don't know someone at all, but they're offering some kind of super exciting play or they make you feel super extra submissive/dominant--play with witnesses around or wait 'til you know them better. Better yet, get to know other people who know them as well and get some outside opinions.

In particular, be extra careful about letting someone restrict your movement. Cutting off the option to leave a scene is a serious thing, even with super nice people who seem super serious about your well-being. Don't do it until you feel damn sure that there's no reason you could possibly need to leave.

When playing with someone in private for the first time, it can be a good idea to let a friend know exactly where you'll be and who you'll be with. And more importantly, it can be a good idea to let your partner know that your friend knows.

You don't "have to" do anything.
There's a widely mocked phenomenon in BDSM called the "One True Way" (or "twoo,"if you're being even snarkier.) These are people who have decided that a real Dom or sub does it like this, and if you don't do that, you're not real and just a poser and totally lame and probably not even kinky. These people suck. Mostly they suck because they're just annoying, but sometimes they're outright dangerous.

If someone tells you that you have to play with them, that you have to play a certain way, or that you really ought to have them as a mentor (or God forbid, master) to be a real kinkster or to be accepted in the group--run don't walk. Consent to things because you want to do those things specifically, not because anyone or anything challenged your authenticity or competence, or in any other way made you feel obligated.

Don't play under the influence.
Of anything. If you're a top, you'll be less able to control yourself and judge how your bottom is handling it; if you're a bottom, you'll be less aware of when you're getting hurt. And either way you'll have less judgement as to when something is just a bad idea.

Be knowledgeable about the specific play you engage in.
I don't have the space or expertise to go into detail here, but know that every kind of play, from punching to using complex electrical apparatus, has its own technical rules that you need to learn from someone who knows their shit. This is why I'm a big believer in BDSM communities; I can't tell you on the Internet how to do fire play or suspension bondage or even flogging safely and effectively. These are skills that you have to pick up the old-fashioned way. Take a class, go to a party and watch an experienced person at work, and better yet ask an experienced person if they can teach you. Reading about something or watching a video isn't as good as learning in person, but it's still preferable to just picking up a toy and guessing.

Also, if you're a top, know what it's like on the bottom. Don't flog people without knowing what a flogger feels like; don't stick needles in people without knowing how a needle feels.

Communicate.
Negotiate before a scene what both partners want and do not want to happen, and continue communicating in the scene. The less you've played with someone, the more you need to make an effort to do this. If you're on the bottom, let your partner know how you're doing and what you want and need and don't be shy. Don't let fear of "topping from the bottom" scare you into tolerating play that's not working for you

If you're on top, repeatedly check in with your partner as to whether they're enjoying themselves or starting to tire out or feel unpleasant pain. Dominance doesn't mean being psychic, and it certainly doesn't mean "you'll take what I choose to dish out"--it means that if you order your sub to tell you how they're feeling and how well they're tolerating a particular type of play, they damn well better tell you, huh?

Plan for disasters.
Taking a basic first-aid course, and having a basic first-aid kit around, are always good ideas. (Not even for BDSM. For life.) Any time you put someone in bondage, have a plan for how you could release them in a hurry, whether that means having shears on hand to cut rope or a quick-release link on a chain. Don't tie someone up in such a way that they'd choke or tear any body parts off if they fainted or lost their balance. (That's why I think this [NWS picture!] is a terrible idea.) Remember that a person who faints in bondage must be brought down--if they stay upright they won't get blood to their head and may not wake up.

Remember that the top could suffer some kind of emergency, and don't put the bottom in a situation where they'd be trapped if that happened. This doesn't mean you can't play with bondage one-on-one, but it does mean that the bondage should be "insecure" enough, or a phone close enough, that they could wiggle their way to the phone if they really had to.

Regular safer sex rules still apply.
Duh, right? However much latex you'd use with this person normally, that's how much to use in a BDSM context. Remember that blood is a high-risk body fluid too, and that touching genitals in a not-exactly-sexual way can still get fluids on your hands.

Use a safeword.
I put this way down the list, because I think it gets presented as the be-all end-all of safety sometimes, and it's not. It's no substitute for knowledge, preparation, and trust. Personally, I prefer to agree that "stop" still means "stop" unless we have specifically negotiated a consensual nonconsent scene. But I also have a safeword in place, just in case I have an immediate need to say "STOP" in a totally unambiguous not-even-joking sort of way. That word, as I've said before, is the emergency brake, no questions asked. Whether you're the top or bottom, you don't continue one second after the use of a safeword and you don't even think about whether they "should" have used it. You just stop dead, undo any bondage, hug and comfort the person or leave them the hell alone as they wish, and wait for things to cool down before figuring out what went wrong and whether to go on.



This is deliberately general rather than technical, so I know I missed stuff, but as with all the BDSM education posts, I'm open to suggestions.

Getting into BDSM Part 2: Your First Play Party.

I went to a party last night. Hung out with Rowdy and Sprite and a whole lot of nice folks we know, naked wrestled with another woman for a bit, hung out some more, Rowdy flogged and fisted me, hung out some more. Good times. So I figured I'd do another education-y post to follow up on "How to Get Into BDSM", about how to attend a play party.



This should be Part 2.
I don't think a play party is a good first entry into BDSM. It's important to get to know people as people before getting all up in their nasty sexy-hitty business. It gives you a better perspective on BDSM as a particularly vigorous hobby activity rather than an exotic unreal fantasy, and it gives you a better chance of having people at the party who will give you some companionship and guidance. Seeing your friend Sally beat up her husband Bob is a totally different--and in my opinion, much healthier--experience than seeing some dominatrix lady beat up some submissive dude.

Whether you're entering BDSM alone or as a couple (or group), I'd really recommend going to a few munches, classes, or social events and putting in some mingle time before going to a play party.



How to find a party.
This totally varies depending on your local scene. Some places have relatively public playspaces that actually advertise their locations and schedules (for example, the CSPC in Seattle), and that's the easiest. Other places aren't that organized, but they have parties posted under "events" on FetLife, visible to any FetLife members.

But in other places, whether because it's a smaller or more conservative community or because the local law enforcement has given kinksters a hard time (as in Massachusetts, sadly), things are a little more hush-hush. It's like buying weed, I guess; it's not exactly hard to do, but you can't look it up in the Yellow Pages. You gotta know a guy who knows a guy. Parties are hosted in private homes or other Undisclosed Locations and you have to be invited. The only way to do this is to get to know people in the scene, and it can take time, depending on your luck and social skills. (Yes, being conventionally attractive helps a little, but you can look like anything if you can put people at ease and give them the impression that you'll be chill and not creepy at a party.) This requires a little bit of social finesse, but when you consider the preponderance of Warcraft players, Ren Faire folk, and software engineers in the BDSM community, not that much really.



Five things to have before you go to a party:
1. The fee. Most parties require a small donation to the host. Find out beforehand how much and who to give it to, and in what form--some hosts prefer to receive it by PayPal, some want cash, and a few venues can even take credit cards. (Very few; if you don't know, assume cash.) This donation is just to cover use of the venue, equipment, and snacks; you're not paying for play and you're certainly not paying for sex.

2. A sexy but comfortable outfit. Elaborate fetishwear isn't necessary in most scenes (nightclub fetish nights tend to be dressier than play parties), but it's nice to dress up a little. A little black dress, a tight black t-shirt and well-fitted jeans, or your "night-on-the-town" shirt and a nice skirt or slacks will do fine most places.

3. Any toys you'd like to play with, and the necessary safer-sex supplies for any kind of sex you'd like to have. (Even if you bareback your partner at home, a lot of venues want you to use condoms/gloves/dental dams when you're there anyway.) You may not to get to use these if you're coming solo, but if you do, you'll be glad you weren't empty-handed.

Although some venues provide safer-sex supplies, it's a good idea to bring your own anyway just in case. It's also nice to bring a towel, small sheet, or even "puppy pad" or Chux if you're planning on sitting around naked or doing anything that might let off a few fluids. Your gracious host should not have to deal with your crotch-juice on their furniture.

4. Sobriety. Don't show up to a party drunk or high (and definitely don't get drunk or high while you're there). It's not safe to play under the influence and it's not socially acceptable to hang around a party smashed off your ass.

5. Managed expectations.
-You will get to socialize with lots of kinksters in a much more fun, relaxed, and flirty atmosphere than a munch.
-You will get to watch play. Probably some very cool and fascinating (and hot) play.
-There will be a bowl of M&Ms.
-If you came with a partner, you almost certainly will get the opportunity to play with each other. It may be a bit of a shuffle to get a good spot in the "dungeon" space if things are crowded, but it's usually not that hard. Ask a host if you're confused. Don't start whupping on each other in purely social space; no one wants a scene blocking the punchbowl or making a lot of noise and fuss on the chill-out couch.
-If you came alone, it's possible you'll find someone to play with. It's a toss-up. Depends on your social skills, depends on the crowd (some parties have a lot of pick-up play, some tend toward more prearranged scenes), depends on the whims of Fate. And depends whether you want to. If you're not comfortable playing, or if you get offers but they don't make you comfortable or aren't what you're looking for, it's perfectly okay to come to a party, socialize, watch some scenes, and go home.
-If you came alone, it's unlikely you'll get laid. As at any party, it could happen. But play parties are not orgies--a lot of people don't include sex in their play at all, or at least not casually. Some venues don't allow nudity or penetration. And even if you're surrounded by casual-fuckers in a sex-happy environment, I can't say if you'll get laid. Don't stake your enjoyment of the night on it. And certainly don't come to a party with the main intention of getting laid; not only will you likely be disappointed, but you'll miss out on enjoying everything else you could be experiencing at the party. Plus you'll be widely perceived as a total creeper.



Etiquette.
The etiquette at play parties is largely about consent. Someone being a kinkster, being at a party, or being identified as a sub/slave/bottom/slut/dom/etc. does not give you permission to do anything to them. Ask before you touch--any touch, not just sexy touch--and negotiate before you roleplay. Sometimes a scene may look like a free-for-all with a lot of people joining in, but this may be prearranged or the people may all know each other in a way you don't. Wait to be specifically invited.

The same rules apply to you. Anyone telling you that you "have" to call them by some exalted title or do something (even something innocuous like grabbing them a soda) for them is full of crap--you have the choice whether you'd like to do that or not. (Likewise anyone who wants to call you by some exalted title or do something for you.) Anyone touching you without asking is being rude, and anyone touching you sexually without asking is a fucking creep and you're within your rights to tell them to fuck off and immediately tell the host what they're doing.

Most parties will have quite a lot of people expressing non-heterosexual, non-cissexual, non-monogamous, generally non-inside-the-box sexuality in various ways. Be cool about it.

Ditto when you run into people practicing non-"glamorous" fetishes. There may be animal players, age players, people in diapers, people doing various forms of intentionally goofy-looking humiliation play, middle-aged men in somewhat unbecoming latex ballerina costumes. You don't have to be turned on by it to be cool about it.

Don't provide color commentary on scenes within earshot of the participants. It's okay to watch public-space scenes, and it's usually okay to have quiet conversation in the same room, but don't get distractingly loud and don't make any helpful "whoa, I think I can see her cervix" comments on the scenes.

Don't touch people's toys without their permission. Their toys may have been carefully cleaned, or recently made extremely unclean, or carry special emotional significance, or just be none of your damn beeswax.

As with munches, You Don't Talk About Fight Club. Talking about where a party is, who hosts it, who was there, what happened there--all ways to get other people in all kinds of unpleasant trouble.

Put a towel or sheet between your naked butt and the furniture. If not for the furniture's sake, then for your butt's.



Chill out and have fun.
The operative word in "play party" is party. No matter how well the night goes for you, between 75 and 100% of your time will be spent hanging out and socializing with kinky folks. Enjoy it, learn from it, and just relax in it. Don't expect to get all your fantasies fulfilled your first time out and don't spend the party stressing about how "much" you're going to "get." Grab another handful of M&M's, find a comfy spot on the couch, watch that gorgeous suspension scene they're setting up, and ask the ballerina man what he thinks of this weather we've been having.

Cueing.

Cosmo tells me not to "bark orders like a drill sergeant," ("DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY THRUSTS! HOOAHH!"), but I think one of the hottest kinds of sex is the kind where one partner knows exactly what they want, to the half-inch and half-second, and is able to tell the other person in real-time.

I'm not talking about "I want you to put your finger in my ass," here. I'm talking about "I want you to put your finger just a little in my ass and let me relax... okay, now a little further, okay, add a little more lube and then push it in... oh yes that's good, bend it forward and rub my prostate but don't thrust and let me get used to it again..."

It's an interesting power dynamic, it's excellent communication, it's just plain fun on both sides, and there's something wonderful about just how in touch with your body you can become by doing it.

The hard part, even in a very supportive relationship, is giving yourself permission to do it. My default "script"--somewhat culturally learned, somewhat my own tendencies--is to basically play "hot and cold" with my sexual responses. I'll stop you if you do something unpleasant and I'll encourage you if you do something nice, but when it comes to what these nice things are, I tend to just take what I'm given. I worry that I'll ask for something my partner doesn't want to do, or that I don't even know what I want.

The truth is that my partner, if they're any good at all, wants to do most things that make me happy and is perfectly capable of giving an non-horrified "nah, not that" if they don't. And more deeply, the truth is that my body often does know what it wants, when I listen. My body is amazingly adept at knowing just exactly how its own pleasure works, when just a touch more stroking would be perfect or whether I need you to hold just right there don't you dare move, when pain will hurt and when pain will feel better than coming. The truth is that I have no problem at all knowing that the best things in the world are deep firm pressure in my pussy and big bruising bites on my shoulders. I just have trouble believing and saying it.

Cueing your partner through sex isn't something to do every time; it's too one-sided and frankly could get annoying if you always did it. But it's a wonderful exercise in saying--and in knowing--exactly what you want.

How to get into BDSM (the short version).

So many negative posts lately! This is what happens when I don't get laid for an entire week. (Yes, yes, world's tiniest violin. It's called the "hedonic treadmill," guys, I have to be fucked in the manner to which I have become accustomed!) So now I'm going to do something positive, and provide a resource.




A Very Brief Primer on Getting Started in the BDSM Community

Step 1: Are you interested in BDSM?
Well? Are ya? This is something you just have to answer for yourself. A lot of kinksters feel like they've always been fascinated by pain, capitivity, and/or servitude; some only gain an interest when they learn about BDSM as adults. Two things that are important to know here:

1) What kind of interest do you have in BDSM? BDSM is what you and your partner(s) make it, so never feel that you have to do it "correctly"--anything safe and consensual is correct. So suss out, maybe even write down, what parts of BDSM interest you and in what role or roles you see yourself. Do you want to experience physical pain, or give it? Do you want to experience humiliation, or give it? Do you want to serve others, or to be served? Do you have specific fantasies or fetishes you want to fulfill? This stuff is all a la carte, remember, and there's no reason you can't receive pain while being dominant or neutral, or want to command someone but not hurt them, or any of a zillion other combinations. And whether, when, and how you add sex to this mix is also a la carte.

While many of these desires will come from or change with your experiences in BDSM, and while "I don't know, I'd have to try it" is a legitimate answer to the questions above, it's a good idea to have at least a rough idea to begin with. The more you know about what you want, the better your kinky experiences will be.

2) If you just want "sex, but spicier," you are probably not kinky, or at least don't have a thorough understanding of what kink entails. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with someone who wears tight black stuff and has a femme-fatale demeanor, but that's not really what the BDSM community is about. If that's all you want, you don't really need to get into BDSM at all, but simply try to get your vanilla partners to add that in.

Although kink and sex are often mixed, the kink community is not a swingers' or free-love community; there are more people here that will beat you but not fuck you than vice versa.


Step 2: The Internets.
Hands-down, the best site for BDSM socialization is Fetlife. It's not a dating site, and to this end it deliberately does not allow you to search for people along parameters like "submissive women under 30 in Boston." The point of Fetlife isn't to find individuals to hit up for play, but to find events in your locality and discussion groups about your interests. If you become a serious member of the BDSM community, kinky friends will be a far greater asset than partners--get people to talk with first, people to commit acts of sexual violence with second.

Kinky friends will teach you BDSM skills, tell you who's good people and who's not, tip you off to secret things that aren't talked about on the Internet, become your partners or help you find partners, and help you keep some goddamn perspective in our wacky mirror-world. They're a wonderful thing to have and will make your life in BDSM a million times more fun and real. You may crave partners, but you need friends.


Step 3: Your First Munch.
A munch is a public meeting of kinky folk where everyone just talks and socializes. These are easier to find in major metropolitan areas, of course, but there are some munches all over; check "events near me" in Fetlife. Dress in normal street clothes and don't expect any play. Do expect to be pleasantly surprised by the diversity, vivacity, openness, and "hey, these are just people"-ness of your local kink community. And while it's lovely to meet a partner at a munch, don't expect to, especially the first time out; as online, Objective Number One is to build up a strong support network of friends.

Once you start meeting people in person, remember that You Do Not Talk About Kink Club. BDSM is still illegal in a lot of places and frowned upon in most, and you don't know who's "out" to their friends and families, much less employers. Don't call people by their "scene names" outside kinky contexts (not only is yelling "Hey Mistress DarkFyre!" at someone on the street gauche, but yelling "Hey Jennifer!" can also cause her problems if the people she's with don't know her as Jennifer) and don't talk about who attends kinky events. Don't talk about where or when kinky events are, either. Careless words can absolutely devastate people and sometimes entire scenes.

Also, three notes on kink etiquette:
1) Don't touch people or their toys, even casually, without asking.
2) Call people by the names and pronouns they give you, even if they seem hopelessly silly.
3) Do not act submissive or dominant to someone unless you have negotiated this with them. (And don't let anyone do this to you.) You're all just people and all equals until you specifically agree to act otherwise.


Step 4: Actually Playing.
This part I can't cover in a quickie one-post guide, but I'll hit the highlights:

-Playing at a party, or with non-participating friends around, is much safer than playing one-on-one. This goes double if your play involves bondage. Use a lot of judgement and vetting before you let someone hurt you or tie you up when there's no one around who would hear you scream. (If you're a top, you're somewhat safer, but there are still untrustworthy or downright dangerous bottoms around, so it's still a good idea to have your first play experiences somewhere with witnesses.) If you are going to play with someone one-on-one, get your kinky friends' opinion on them first or make sure you know them damn well. Before the date, tell a kinky or sympathetic friend who you'll be with and where, and make sure your partner knows that your friend knows.

-Negotiate! That is, before you and your partner lay a finger on each other, sit down and talk about what it is that you propose to do to each other and what you absolutely mustn't do. No need to script the whole scene, but get an idea of what they're looking for--being hit? how hard? being given orders? to do what?--and of their limits. There is no "usual" and almost nothing "goes without saying."

-Always have a safeword. This is a word that stops everything dead. It's the emergency brake, the circuit breaker, the ejection seat. The instant someone uses it, you don't argue and you don't question; you immediately let them out of any bondage, stop any stimulation, drop your role, and just let them cool down. Sometimes that means cuddling them and sometimes it means not touching them, but either way, stay in cool-down mode until you've talked about exactly why they used it and whether they want to start again or call it a day.

Don't be afraid to use your safeword. It doesn't mean you're not strong enough or "real" enough or you're accusing them of doing something wrong. It just means that they're not a mindreader and didn't realize you were feeling bad about what was happening(physically or emotionally), and there's no reason you should tolerate feeling bad in a recreational activity. Relieve them of the need to mindread and tell them.

I like to use a "stoplight" safeword system--red is the true emergency brake, yellow means "ease up, but I'm not done" (I'll also use it to state my needs, as in "yellow, it's hard for me to breathe in this position"), and green means "this is awesome, don't you worry about me, keep on doing the awesome stuff."

Every bit of this goes for tops too.

-Experiment. Within the limits of safety and consensuality, never be afraid to break the mold of what play is "supposed" to look like. Sometimes it's one of you naked and cuffed to a St. Andrew's Cross being flogged; sometimes it's two clothed people on a sofa just using their bare hands. Sometimes it'll have you laughing your ass off, sometimes it'll have you fighting back, sometimes it'll have you in an altered state, sometimes it'll have you coming your brains out. It's all a la carte and you are not doing it wrong.



There's a lot more to say--there's whole books more to say--but I think that's a decent beginning.