Which is something I didn't want to be important to me--hey, I'm not "a kinkster," I'm just a person who is kinky!--but it turns out to be huge. The feeling of having nothing to hide, of being able to tell my roommate honestly about my weekend, of not needing to censor the contents of my room before opening the door, of not needing to constrain the way I interact with my boyfriend in the house... turns out that's not a silly whim. It's something that takes a gigantic weight off my shoulders. I feel safe in my home, and I'm just now realizing I didn't before.
...I also didn't feel safe in the old home because apparently my roommate was letting random people shoot up in the house. I found that out as I was leaving. Lovely. But not my problem anymore.
Anyway. I only just now got Internet in the new house. So I've got some posting to do this week!]
This started as a joke.
"Welcome to Holly's vagina! Please stay seated for this important briefing.
"Very little foreplay is required, but in the event that insufficient moisture is available, artificial lubrication is available in your seat pocket or beneath the seat ahead of you. Make ample use of this lubrication, as it greatly enhances the experience and reflects in no way on your performance or her enthusiasm, and can be used as a floatation device.
"Roughly one inch above your seat you'll note the clitoris, illuminated with red and white indicator lights. Tampering with the clitoris is a federal offense and may result in a fine or jail time. Unauthorized clitoral stimulation will result in delay of our trip, and continuing to manhandle the clitoris and claiming 'but girls like this' may result in cancellation of your ticket.
"Directly inside the vagina, on the front side, you will find our exclusive The Happy Place™ facility. Feel free to enjoy The Happy Place™ throughout your trip, but please bear in mind that this facility is designated primarily for rubbing and massaging, and extensive or forceful thrusting in this area may not produce the desired effect. If at any time during your trip you wish to thrust forcefully, please activate your call light for assistance and we will direct you to the most comfortable positions to do so.
"In the event of an emergency orgasm, please assist those around you with their orgasms before securing your own, bearing in mind that the plastic bag may not inflate.
"Enjoy your trip! You may use approved electronic devices at this time."
Truth is, though, having an orientation spiel for my vagina is damn useful. Simply sitting down and writing that, airplane jokes and all, clarified things. To have good sex, it helps to know what you like--and to know what you like, it helps a whole lot to actually put it down in words.
Giving a little speech on The Care And Feeding Of My Vagina is one of those things that seems awkward, until you realize how awkward the alternative is. Getting someone up to speed on my physical quirks makes the difference between constantly interrupting sex with "whoa no not that" (or worse, politely enduring "whoa no not that" things) and having things just flow. It's not just about catering to my own needs, either; letting my partner know what's up with my body gives them an idea of where to start and relieves some of their performance anxiety, and it gives them an opening to tell me what's up with their body.
Obviously I wouldn't really do it flight-attendant style? (Or I might. Mixing "sexy" and "hilarious" is underrated. This weekend I watched a couple have a pillowfight while having sex. It was adorabawesomesexy.) But I really would make a little speech out of it. A breathy speech right in my partner's ear, given between deep kisses, with my hand running through their hair, maybe. Or a cheery, matter-of-fact one over dinner.
...Or one posted on my blog, under the clever guise of talking about how to clarify sexual needs.
Sex for me is a three-step process.
1. Find out what you want.
2. Make sure your partner knows what you want, and you know what they want.
3. Dirty sweaty monkey love.
Step 3 gets all the glamor. But it's rare chemistry indeed that makes Step 3 just work out without any planning. The awkward, talky, using-the-word-clitoris-without-giggling process of the first two steps is where the real magic happens.