Saturday, April 3, 2010


Bless me, sex-positivity, for I have sinned.

I have practiced monogamy.

I have nodded approvingly while secretly being bored to tears by "feminist porn" from the "female erotic perspective," then gone home to beat off to Extreme Anal Insertions 5.

I have worshipped the Judeo-Christian God.

I have gotten ever-loving sick of the word "problematic" as a completely generic sensitive-sounding way to say "I don't like this, or at least feel like I shouldn't like this, but can't be bothered to make an actual judgement about it."

I have been overemotional about casual sex and underemotional about committed sex.

I have given misogynist entertainment a pass just because it was really frickin' funny.

I have consented to sex that I wasn't really into, to maintain a relationship or follow through on a promise or frankly just to humor him; I have put my partners into the same position themselves.

I have had my own consent violated and let it slide because it wasn't like a super big deal, really.

I have groped.

I have felt crappy about masturbating, because a really hot chick would be getting laid right now, and no, it's not "sex with yourself," it's just stupid old masturbation.

I have lied about my "number," in both directions.

I have been a party to cheating.

I have yearned for a tiny blonde big-titted body.

I have given blowjobs without condoms and lady-blowjobs without dental dams, and wondered, seriously, does anyone really use dental dams?

I have voted Republican.

I have had sex completely shitfaced drunk and/or high.

I have not insisted on foreplay, or on my own orgasm, or on stimulation of my own fetishes and sensitive places.

I have been creepy.

I have patronized the sex shop that's 5% cheaper, rather than the one that's women-owned and well-lit and friendly and destigmatizing and based on sound feminist principles.

I have considered penis/strapon-in-vagina/anus intercourse the "real thing" and everything else "just messing around."

I have worn makeup and girly-ass clothes and high-heel shoes, not because they were "really me" but because I figured my appearance needed all the help it could get.

I have lived caught between the raging storm of emotions and desires within me and the fucked-up complicated world outside me, and I have found one simple set of beliefs--any one simple set of beliefs--utterly inadequate to guide my confused, defiant, frivolous, inconsistent, selfish, independent, practical, irrational, cynical, fallible, human life. When I have the luxury to pontificate about it I may be a good sex-positive feminist, but when I go out and live my life I am not sex-positive nor sex-negative, but sex-fucked-up in all kinds of crazy ways.

I shall say three Hail Susie Brights and an Our Betty Dodson.


  1. I've done some of these, too. Sometimes human fallibility wins over ideal principles.

  2. Dimethirwen - It's not all fallibility either. At least a quarter of the things on the list are things I'd do again, because the ideal principles aren't really working out for me even in principle.

    Not that I hate those principles. It's just... complicated, man, it's complicated.

  3. Ideal principles are nice. But they are not reality. Doing what you "should" do instead of what you want to do is a sure route to anger and unhappiness.

  4. Dogmatic principles are . . . problematic. ;-)

  5. Bless me, Holly, for I have sinned. I use the word problematic a lot. This is probably because I use lots of hedge words to make sure everyone's clear on the fact that I know nothing.

    I've never used dental dams and I've never met anyone in real life who claimed to use them. But I'm sure somewhere there are people eating pussy through Saran Wrap, secure in the comfort of being better than me.

  6. Nothing wrong with monogamy, and I say that as a committed polyamourist.

    I've used dental dams, but god I fuckin' hated it. When I eat pussy I wanna be in there, y'know what I'm sayin'?

    And, frankly, (and this probably makes me a bad person) the side effect was the girl who was insisting on it didn't get nearly as much oral attention as other people I was seeing at the time.

  7. Great post, great point. Absolute uncompromising devotion to guide, or set of beliefs damages a person's humanity. I find that having complicated beliefs makes me think more. I find that more enjoyable.

  8. @William: Not always. Sometimes what we want to do is something that's bad for us, or harmful for others, and the superego has to take the reins for a bit. Not always, but sometimes.

    @Holly: Yeah, you're right. It's definitely a mix of both.

  9. Oh man did this post ever resonate with me.

    So much of it applies to me as well. And the thing is, I feel like I SHOULD feel guilty, but most of the time, I can't even manage that. Oops!

  10. Oh my God. Oh my fucking GOD! Thankyou so much for your comment on the word "problematic"! I am SO tired of hearing this word thrown about in feminist discourse and whatnot. I't makes me want to throw fucking bricks at my fucking computer screen.

    Ahem. Anyway. Yeah. It's important that we all have ideals and ethics but we're also complicated, hypocritical and human. That's something we have to realise and discuss too.

    Awesome entry. Yours is probably my favourite on the whole entire internet just because it's so much fun to read!

  11. Word. Real life gets in the way of absolute values.