Monday, April 19, 2010

The Ordinary Guy With A Girlfriend.

In all the weird convoluted discussions of PUAs and Nice Guys and Beta Males and other such critters, you know which species never gets mentioned? Even less than the sub-model-appearance woman? The ordinary guy who has a girlfriend.

You see them every day. In fact, they probably make up the majority of the men you work with, go to school with, and socialize with. They're totally unremarkable guys, not all hot and successful, not all socially dominant, and they have girlfriends or wives. Generally just one apiece, and not all these girlfriends are super hotties or anything, but they're women and they usually have sex with their boyfriends and care about them.

It'd be silly to call these guys "Alphas," they're not the center of attention anywhere and they're not pulling models by the busload, but they get laid on a regular basis, they go on dates and do snuggly couple stuff with their girlfriends, and they seem reasonably happy.

It seems like if you can't get laid at all, it'd be better to try and become an ordinary guy with a girlfriend than to go straight from training wheels to the Tour de France by aiming for Alpha Male status. Approaching hundreds of women, putting on a "cocky and funny" act, every aspect of "game"--it's obvious that ordinary guys with girlfriends don't do that shit. Your average Joe Schmoe at the tire shop hasn't heard of PUA, doesn't have "Natural Game," isn't Brad Pitt and he works at the tire shop, but Jane Schmoe loves him anyway because that's how people usually work it out. (Now, Jane Schmoe might be a 4 or 5, but Joe loves her anyway because that's how people usually work it out.)

It's counterproductive, creepy, and crazy to think that the only options in life are World of Warcraft or a polygynous sexual cornucopia, when most normal straight guys just have a goddamn girlfriend.


  1. Meanwhile, the World of Warcraft guild I play in consists of... mostly couples. With actual women in them. One of the other guilds in our general weight class on the server is run by a lesbian couple.


  2. Okay, good point. I should stop using "World of Warcraft" as shorthand for "social demise."

  3. I see ordinary guys everywhere. Some of them even look happy.

  4. Some of us ordinary guys fell in love with our wives or girlfriends (or both) based on personality, rather than looks, sexual prowess, sets of rules, expertise at 'the game,' or any of the other bullshit. And (based strictly on my subjective observations of the world I inhabit, of course) our relationships tend to last longer and be happier than those of guys who opt for the rules or 'game' or whatnot... go figure.

  5. Hell, a disproportionate number of said couples are those considered to have socially died or never been socially relevant in the first place by the hip- parents of young children, and people who live in small towns.

    That said, the genuinely socially inept are playing the game... and nobody particularly wants to associate with them any more than they do in meatspace. You just have to specifically put them on ignore rather than doing it automatically.

  6. The thing is, a lot of these loser guys want - or think they want - sex from lots of different women, which a monogamous relationship doesn't provide.

    But of course as the rest of us know, most people are way more likely to get more sex in a relationship than single and cruising, and it'll be less work. So we let the whole "variety" thing fall by the wayside.

  7. Jack, you already said it as well as I could. You must be as happy as I am (getting married sometime this year).

  8. Yeah, from watching US TV+ one sort of gets the idea that sex is something that happens before relationships or when someone's earned a relationship cookie. Might be that we're a little different, but that's most assuredly not the case over here.

    Got a buddy who is a serial monogamist. Gets a girlfriend, dotes on her utterly for a few months, is utterly loyal, and then lets the relationship fizzle when the first heady attraction is over, usually with no hard feelings either side. Now that's a good way to have consistent (and high) amounts of really great sex.

  9. Anon - The part that I think is dumb, though, is that if these loser guys aren't getting laid at ALL, why are they trying to go directly to becoming a prolific sex god before learning how to just have ordinary sex?

    Leit - Oh God, don't believe anything you see on TV, couples have sex plenty here. Much more than single people, generally.

  10. Wow, I used to have this conversation with a friend who was deep in the I'm a Nice Guy and Girls Only Go for Jerks Woe Is Me! This was before I discovered the blogosphere and found out just how common and deeply messed up that kind of thinking is. I would say to him, "Look around you! The vast majority of nice guys are MARRIED! There's a hundred of them hanging out in this very bar. Is he a jerk? Is he? Is he?" (It was a Cheers kinda place.) Of course I meant actual regular nice guys, not the variety we've come to know and love. And our own social group included many couples, married and long-term dating. At the time I thought it was just so weird, but I now know that he was deep into the trope, while thinking he was a special snowflake.

    You hear so much blather about evo psych, men want to spread seed, blah de frickin blah, that I think people miss what is most plainly obvious about humans: humans deeply desire to pair up. Of course, we screw it up a lot, but that usually leads to another try at pairing up. I'm in my late 30's and have known many, many people in my life and can say confidently that at least as many, if not more, men than women are at heart seeking a long-term love partner, even if they are just having some sex along the way. This "pick up" thing is really a subculture and does not deserve the mythical social status it's gotten.

    (I've commented before, but I can never remember which version of my name I use from one time to the next.)

  11. It's funny that PUA jargon, with its careful distinctions of Man Status, doesn't even have a word for "regular guy with a girlfriend". You've got your elite PUAs, your aspiring PUAs, and guys who have no "game" and presumably don't know what a naked woman looks like. I'm imagining some PUA watching a couple walk into a club together and his head just exploding.

    And yeah, it's just a weird subculture. But it's strange that guys willing to join a weird subculture in the hope of getting laid manage to pick one that contains exactly zero women. If they were anime fans or racquetball players or classic car enthusiasts or even furries, they'd meet some people and possibly find a woman who would like to spend more time with them. But no, they sit around talking to a bunch of guys. I'm surprised they don't go looking for women in gay bars.

  12. Heh. Thanks for the chuckle of the day, Mark Z.

    Maybe the pickup artists are trying to keep their eyes away in case we do icky couple stuff, like hug 'n kiss *in public*. OMG, affection, relationship isn't based purely on getting together on a mattress, that are unpossible. Ug build tree.

  13. why are they trying to go directly to becoming a prolific sex god before learning how to just have ordinary sex?

    My guess is that they either view women as interchangable (they all want the same things and sex with one is the same as sex with another) or fear getting trapped in terminal monogamy on their first try (and either never being with another woman or falling into boring, infrequent couples sex).

  14. The answer to this question is in the FAQ at Generally, ordinary guys can go years between relationships with ordinary women, because they are constantly meeting (in everyday life) very few women, very few of whom ever find them (the guys) attractive. Upping your number of meets and your attractiveness yields results.

    Holly's Magical Vagina Power blinds her to the experience of a totally average guy who's just middling employed, middling-looking, and middling charming. Bruno's and Bookworm's (and my) experience of how (almost) no women see them and how few connect with them is a real truth about the experience of ordinary men that you constantly elide with the "PUA bad, grr" act.

  15. Eurosabra - I didn't get my information from the FAQ at got it from an informal survey of the men in my life. Most of whom have wives or girlfriends.

    As for Magical Vagina Power, sheesh, numbers. There's an equal number of men and women in the world. The number of people in polygynous poly arrangements is not statistically very high. There are about the same proportion of lesbians as gay men. Not many women are celibate by choice.

    Therefore, it makes zero sense to describe chronic singleness as a male problem. For every single man there's a single woman. You seem to have this idea that women can always get dick--well, men are dick! If I'm getting dick, some guy's getting pussy.

  16. I've got two women myself, so I'm taking up an extra. Nyah nyah!

    I keep one as a wife and the other in my wicked cool ultra-secret underground harem lair. In LA. Muhahahaha!