Monday, April 12, 2010

Words for women who have sex.

Kinky does not mean slutty. Slutty does not mean easy. Slut does not mean whore. Slut does not mean bitch. And normal does not mean "none of the above."

Kinky: I am kinky. This means that I enjoy painful or otherwise unusual activities sexually. This does not mean that I have more sex, am hornier, or have sex with more people than the average woman. (I do, but that's coincidental.) A kinky person can be monogamous, abstinent until marriage or serious commitment, or even celibate.

Also, someone who is sexually enthusiastic, but does nothing weird or hitty in bed, is not "kinky," they're just... sexually enthusiastic. And likewise someone who is kinky can be totally boring in bed, lemme tell ya.

Slutty: I am somewhat slutty. This means I have sex with a large number of people without romantic commitment. I say "somewhat" because I'm slowing down a bit as of late; uncommitted sex itself is awesome, but the trappings--terrible sex, creepers, douchebags, people who expect too much after, people I find myself expecting too much from after--have forced me to ease back on my slut frequency. I'm still a slut though; what I am not is...

Easy: I am not easy. Easy would mean that I was an indiscriminate slut, and I am not; I sleep with a large number of people but they are all (ideally...) people I find attractive and trustworthy. "I fuck a lot of people" is a very different condition from "I'll fuck anyone."

Whore: I am not a whore. A whore has sex for money; or more generally, a whore has sex to get something. I have sex to have sex. I'd rather buy my own dinner and drinks, but if a guy insists on paying, that's just a favor he's decided to do me. I'm amazed by the attitude some guys have that a hooker costs $150 but an ordinary woman shouldn't accept a $3 cocktail if she doesn't intend to spread 'em.

Bitch: I am not a bitch. Well, not for refusing sex, anyway. Here's a thing I think certain men don't understand: my default state is "not having sex with you." I hope that doesn't sound hostile or egotistical, I mean it literally. Not having sex with you isn't an action I take, it's what I was planning to do. If I get hot for you I might change my plans, if I can and if I feel like it. (I think a dude yesterday thought I was brushing him off when he chatted me up at 6:50 and I said "I'm meeting people at seven"; dude, you were totally cute, I was actually meeting people.) I know it's hard when a major physical and emotional need depends upon the decisions of others, but from my point of view it's still my decision to make.

Gah, I always sound so cold when I talk about these things. As if saying "I'll decide whether I want to have sex with you" was somehow equivalent to "NO WAY LOSER HA HA." Deciding includes saying yes! I actually feel rather guilty and awkward saying no to guys, but the alternative is saying yes to literally anyone who asks, and that's just not going to work for me.

Normal: Having weird sex, having uncommitted sex, having sex with whoever, having sex for trade, not having sex with whoever--all are incredibly commmon activities and very normal. I can't say if the majority of people do these things, but millions do, and every section above describes some permutation of a normal sex life. Whether you say "normal" with pride or disdain, sluts and kinksters and whores are normal. Sex is as ordinary as eating tomatoes.

Hell, you can even buy it in a can. Although if you want Italian seasoning you'll have to add your own.


  1. This post = awesome. Specifically, I like the point you made that the things you listed are NORMAL. I also love that you point out that the difference between kinky and non-kinky sex is not the same as the difference between exciting and boring sex. It drives me a little crazy when a friend says in a concerned tone, "He's not vanilla, is he?" regarding my boyfriend (as though it would be bad if he were?).

  2. Your definition of "easy" seems a little harsh, but otherwise I agree with everything you wrote.

  3. Awesome. The only thing I'd add is that I think in common usage, "easy" doesn't mean a woman who will have sex with anyone, but rather a woman who'll have sex without demanding the guy put in a lot of time and effort, make a "commitment," buy her costly gifts/meals, or submit to various trials of her affection. In other words, it refers to the old idea that a woman should be "difficult" and make the guy work for what she's giving him. Not surprisingly, I object to this word, because there's not reason women shouldn't be just as easy as men. But being willing to fuck on the first date is weirdly equated in the public mind with being willing to fuck ANYONE on the first date.

  4. Bruno and lastnightsclothes - I think there is a real conflation in a lot of people's minds between being sexually voracious and being sexually indiscriminate. Maybe "easy" isn't the best word for it, but I was looking for a way to encapsulate the idea that quantity doesn't preclude quality in terms of sexual partner selection.