Sunday, September 14, 2008

Cosmocking: October '08.

Kate Hudson on the cover! In what appears to be a plaid corset and black corduroy pants. Fashion? Fashion., a new website, uses a saliva sample to hook you up with potential mates based on your histocompatibility complex, genes that play a role in chemical attraction.

And for only $2000! I'd be awfully wary of the possibility that they chuck your damn saliva sample in the trash and get out the two thousand dollar dartboard.

Your boy is well aware of the fact that you're perfectly capable of doing anything he can--except, perhaps, recite every line from Old School. But there are certain situations in which he wants to be the man. So when these circumstances arise, hint that you'd like him to step in, then sit back and reap the benefits (including his everlasting, if silent, appreciation).

You know how the best don't advertise and real tough guys don't pick fights? Real men don't need to go around proving it. If he enjoys it when I pretend I'm incompetent on his behalf, I'd say he's being a whole lot more of a boy. Also, "if silent"?

Q: How can I prevent showing my butt crack when I sit down?

A: Wear clothes that fit.

(Cosmo answers that you should buy these weird-ass $40 fake-cami-bottoms. Huh. I don't know why I'd buy the bottom quarter of a cami for more than a whole one would cost, but that's why I'm not a Fashion Expert.)

"It's a buzz-kill when a girl offers me a condom from her stash of open boxes in the drawer next to her bed. Yeah, it's reassuring that she's into safe sex, but she's also telling me that she's been with a rubber-box's-worth of dudes. I'd rather just not know.

Well, what the hell would you like her to do? As with the "let him be the man" article, this is all about pretenses; of course it would be sexist and unreasonable to ask women to actually be helpless virgins, but they'd damn well better act like they are. I can understand how a huuuge pile of sex supplies might startle a straightlaced dude, but this guy seems like he doesn't really want women to have condoms at all. That's... unfortunate.

Internal Tip-Off
The brain actually registers a change when words and gestures contradict each other.

I just like this sentence for the "actually." "When you put your hand on a surface, your nerves actually sense it!"

But sometimes you anger your man without even knowing it. For instance, did you let some dude buy you a drink at a bar--because hey, free drink!--while your guy was off talking to other friends?

Oh come on. "Without even knowing it"? "Because hey, free drink"? Everyone freakin' knows that is not okay.

3 Bogus Excuses [for men not wanting sex]
1. "I have a big day at work tomorrow and I need rest."
Climaxing actually clears his head and can help him sleep--meaning it allows him not to think about sex as much so he can focus on his work.

Amazing. The magazine is actually begging.

2. "Let's wait till this weekend when we have more time."
Few guys ration sex activity, and even fewer would turn down a quickie. So if he feigns concern for your sake, he might be being dishonest.

That's right girls, guys always want sex, aren't concerned about you, and will never turn it down. If it seems like he's breaking the mold, something is wrong and he's a dirty liar.

3. "Sorry, honey--my head is killing me."
An upset stomach? Yes. But unless your guy suffers from debilitating migraines, it's probably what it sounds like: a clich├ęd opt out.

So apparently a plain old tension headache is perfectly pleasant and comfortable to fuck with? News to me. But of course, men always want sex! Literally! They'd walk away from a Nobel Prize ceremony to stick their dick in a microwaved quiche! And if they don't, it's only because they're cheating on the quiche.

[Q: My boyfriend spends too much time with his friends and I hate this because he's supposed to be mine mine mine!]
A: Just to clarify--are some of these "friends" other chicks? Because I can understand his wanting to have solo bro time to bro out with his bros; that's perfectly healthy. But if there are other women involved in this second life, my douche alarm starts going off.

Bro, chicks can be bros, because it's not like just because a dick's in the same room as a pussy that something's gotta happen, you know what I'm saying, bro?

I've known girls who ordered their boyfriends not to be friends with any other women. My friends and I (i.e., former friends of these men, now banished because clearly we're all mindless hussies who would leap on his cock and cannot be reasoned with) have a phrase for this: bitch crazy.


  1. Cosmo never ceases to amaze me.

  2. Replace "bro" with "bra" in your response and it sounds even better.

  3. I just went ahead and read it that way to myself. Bro is so 1997.

  4. It's so true how the media portrays that whole "men will never say no to sex" thing. I went in with that attitude when I was with my first boyfriend ever and there were a few occasions when he wasn't in the mood or genuinely tired etc. and I felt so horribly rejected at first because "omg it must be something wrong with me if i offer and he says no because men ALWAYS want it".