Monday, January 4, 2010

Cosmocking: Random shit off the Cosmo website!

I'm tired. I worked a bunch and it was hard and stuff. So, hey, Cosmocking. Everyone likes Cosmocking.

5 Girly-Man Trends That Have Got to Go
It's no longer socially acceptable to demand that women be womanly in all the narrow prescribed ways. You just couldn't get away with telling women that pants and careers have got to go. But you have to maintain a differential somehow, otherwise, you know--human sacrifice, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Hence the recent emphasis on affected, exaggerated manliness. Women can be men, if they insist, but for men to be women would be totally undignified.

Man-Gagement Rings: For all you ladies who want to put a ring on it (and men who love a little sparkle), diamonds are no longer just a girl’s best friend. Some jewelry designers now offer male engagement rings. Maybe it’s a way of "marking" your man, but we’d rather just trust the guy — and save the cash for the honeymoon.
So, uh... why the fuck doesn't he trust me?

I don't think engagement rings are meant as enforcement devices anyway. I always saw them more as symbols of a commitment--a commitment you're both making. If either of you wants to "mark" the other or wonder whether they "trust" them, you're nowhere near ready to get married, kids.

Why Bad Sex Is Shortening Your Life
This article is Cosmo Science at its finest. Even the title is stupid; the content is about the health benefits of orgasms. It doesn't follow that not orgasming is bad for you, nor that an orgasm is the determinant of good sex.

Research shows that men who have two or more orgasms a week live longer than do guys who have fewer than that. And while female orgasms haven’t yet been studied separately, another study shows that women who report enjoying intercourse live longer than do women who reported less pleasure in sex.
I wonder how this could possibly be corrected for the fact that people in worse health have fewer orgasms and less pleasure in sex. Someone with robust circulation and energy and sensation is going to have better sex, but that doesn't mean you can screw yourself healthy when you've got underlying problems.

In a study of 3,500 people, those who were rated to look 7 to 12 years younger than they they nearly always achieve orgasm alone, while less than half say that holds true during sex with a partner.

50 Sexy Ways to Touch Him There
"Touch him on the penis!"

3. Take his penis between your open palms and, using your hands like ping-pong paddles, very lightly bat it back and forth. The quick touches feel invigorating and increase circulation to the surface of the skin.
Okay, I don't have a penis, so I don't know these things, but I'm pretty sure that "like ping-pong paddles" can't possibly be a good thing.

16. Play with very light pinching on his scrotal skin in the area where the base of the shaft meets the testicles. Warning: just the skin — not the jewels!
Oh man, I just crossed my legs.

20. Rub the flat sides of your fingernails (not the edges!) against his scrotum to give him a different sensation. They are harder and smoother and feel a little cooler than your fingertips.
You know how if you rub alcohol on your hands you'll learn real quickly whether you have any little cuts you didn't notice before? This seems a lot like that, only for hangnails.

First-Date Red Flags
"I'm between jobs." - Don't let a line like this get lost in translation. When a dude feeds you this one, what he's really trying to say is "I have no friggin' clue what I want to do with my life." [...] Warning: This guy's mom still does his laundry, and there's a good chance you're springing for dinner.
No. This is just a straight up euphemism for unemployed. Whether you're okay with that is your decision, but it's not some line and it doesn't mean he's hopeless. He may be a drifting slacker, or he may have just gotten laid off.

"I never move this fast on the first date." - Yeah, right! Truth be told: He can't believe you're letting him move that fast. [...] Bottom line: If you hand a guy a piece of ass on a silver platter, he's going to take it.
Letting him? Handing him a piece of ass? Listen, Cosmo, I'm going to get just as much out of this as he is. How can a magazine that blathers so much about orgasms suddenly turn around and act like sex is some big favor I'm doing him?

Sexy Sprinkler
You really have to look at the picture for this one. It's amazing.

Save this position for a day (or night) when you two have the backyard to yourselves. Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals. [...]The sprinkler provides the same kind of clitoral stimulation as a handheld nozzle (see The Rub-a-Dub). And the aroma of wet grass boosts your sense of smell, making this a supersensory experience. COSMO HINT: Instead of keeping the sprinkler on the stationary setting, switch it to rotate so you get a bliss-inducing blast all over your body.
Just one question, Cosmo. (Actually several, including what kind of sprinkler sprays up at that angle, and whether there'll be any pressure at all left in the stream by the time it gets up to crotch height, and whether the position as drawn requires me to be seven feet tall. But anyway.)

Isn't sprinkler water really, really, really cold?


  1. "I always saw them more as symbols of a commitment--a commitment you're both making."
    I agree completely. I just went to Florida to see my girlfriend, & while there, to put a ring on her finger, & she one on mine. I've been married once, she has twice, & we don't want to fuck up our relationship. (I'm not saying marriage is a fuckup, just that we know it would alter our relationship in ways we don't want it to.)
    We're never getting married, & we don't want to. The rings are there to symbolize what we DO have. We love one another, & that's all we need, or need to know.

  2. if two men want to get married, itsn't it only fair to make en engagement ring one (or both) can give to the other?

  3. As a guy, I wouldn't dream of taking somebody out on a date if I was 'between jobs' so I'm kind of with Cosmo here.

  4. Seriously? If you get laid off and then meet a nice girl, you're just going to take a pass? Seems like you could miss a lot that way.

    And yes, sprinkler water is frigid . . . and I don't quite get how it is that the smell of wet grass makes your sense of smell stronger. Do you spontaneously generate more olfactory . . . things and stuff? Just because you smelled wet grass?

  5. Hey! My boyfriend likes me to ping pong paddle his penis...

    as a joke.

  6. Hey, if cold water is your kink. I like using ice on (okay, in) my boyfriend, personally, but cold water might also be fun. Maybe Cosmo just understands some things better than you think.

  7. "Warning: This plants are irrigated with treated wastewater, don´t drink or sprinkle in your vagina..."