Thursday, November 8, 2007

Outside the codes.

I wish our words for emotions weren't package deals. I wish "love" meant "really like." Because I love Alan. I don't want to be with him forever and I don't want to marry him or have his babies. I just love him in the sweet, casual, almost fuckbuddy way we have things now. I wish I could say "I love you" and not have it mean "I want to own you."

If women are always watching out for sexually-predatory men, men seem to always be watching out for love predator women.

I'm not hunting a man. I'm not setting a trap with pussy as the bait. The pussy is its own reward, and it makes me so fucking happy. Happier than "empty" sex is supposed to.

I don't love my fuckbuddy boyfriend because I've lost my boundaries. I love him for being my fuckbuddy.


  1. How much of the no forevers/babies stuff is due to not being ready for that regardless of who Brandon is, though? If you project yourself forward eight years, are you still not ready to "love" him?

    (I ask out of curiosity, not to get you to marry him.)

  2. Well, he's made it incredibly clear that he has no designs on marriage/kids/Golden Retriever with anyone, so when I become ready, I'll have to find someone else.

    But when I'm ready is so ridiculously far down the pipeline that I barely think about it. My life's due to be majorly reshuffled at least twice in the upcoming years--med school and then residency--and I don't really expect to bring the same guy with me through all that.

  3. Nicely dodged. Let's try again: How close is Brandon to being the guy you see yourself with once med school and residency are over?

  4. Okay, I think I know what you're asking: no. Under no conditions of readiness/willingness would I marry (or otherwise long-term commit) to Brandon. Brandon the sexual partner is a great guy; Brandon the entire person does not have all his shit together. It's nothing that bothers me as long as we're just dating and sleeping together, but I don't want to make his life a part of mine. Ever.

    The guy I see myself with in the end, frankly, has a career. I know this is horrible and gold-diggy of me in some way, but I don't think I could live with someone who doesn't have big and real career plans. It's less about the money and more about the type of person. Brandon is unambitious, and I'm crazy ambitious and want a life partner who matches me on that.

  5. It's interesting that your naughty bits align then. I mean, if he's not ambitious, how's he yanking you to these orgasmic crescendoes on such a regular basis?

    I don't mean to eviscerate, I'm just following bruno. Maybe the stigma that our society has attached to the word "love" has you looking for loopholes so you can avoid the whole thing while you're young (and, in theory at least, unready). For what it's worth, I once heard a friend of mine describe his feelings for a girl as being "really in like with her." I thought it was poetic enough. Maybe you could tell Brandon that amid all the comming you do. (a smile here)

  6. Yeah I've had a couple guys freak when I told them I loved them, but I didn't mean I loved them and wanted to KEEP them, but I loved them as people and for what we shared. If you don't want to have a big hairy discussion about it, you can say "I heart you" or "I adore you" or "I lust you."

    Do you know about polyamory? Poly taught me A LOT about love and relationships. When I disassociated myself from the typical American monogamous model, I was more comfortable with my feelings and realized I could love more than one person at a time, in different ways, etc.

    Check out this great list of love styles:

  7. Sorry, link got cut off!

  8. Scott - I'm pre-med and I work about 32 hours a week (mostly graveyard) in an inpatient rehab facility while I take a full schedule of hard-science lab classes. Brandon never went to college, lives in a studio apartment, has no plans to advance his career, and has told me he's fine with that lifestyle. He's not ass-broke, he doesn't have crises over money, so I don't have a problem with this, but... I wouldn't marry it.

    I don't think it's wrong, I just know that over the years it would bother me. I'd nag him to get into night classes or up the corporate ladder or something and he'd hate me for it.

    I suppose I could always keep him as a househusband. But not really. Really, I need to meet some insane gunner in med school and we can gun together and treat each other's inevitable ulcers.

    TBK - I know all about polyamory, and so do both of my boyfriends. :)

    As for the "love styles", I guess I mostly do a horny form of Storge--my boyfriends are very much friends to me, just friends I have lots of sex with. And Pragma's the thing I haven't found yet--someone whom I love and who could hold up their end of a household.

  9. "I know all about polyamory, and so do both of my boyfriends. :)"

    Great answer! ;)

  10. OK I FINALLY caught up reading ALL your blog entries (it helps that you've had this one for only 4 months or so - so fun to watch a blog grow!) and I want to know - do Brandon and Jon know about each other now? Sounds like you might have told Jon at some point? Back in Aug you labeled yourself a "cheater." In Oct you acknowledged that you dated both but they didn't know about each other. Are you poly now? Non-monogamous? Hate labels? G'night!

  11. TBK - Wow, you're the first person to do that. I'm... flattered?

    And the answer is "sort of." They each know that they are not an exclusive relationship; they have not met and do not know each other's names.

    I say things like "polyamory" and "slut" casually sometimes but I don't mean them. I really don't identify with a label more charged than "seeing two dudes."

    It's part of my determination to not accept my sexuality too easily just because "it's sex therefore it must be okay, everything's all right if it's your sexuality!" I mean, I believe that, but at the same time, I don't want to give in too quickly to the idea that being a blood-slurping ass-diddling cheating ropeslut is as natural as the rain.

    You know?