Friday, November 23, 2007

I don't expect sympathy.

"Hi babe, it's Holly, just wondering if..."
"I'm down in Tacoma with my parents for Thanksgiving. I'll be back up on Monday, see ya then, kay? Bye hon!"

"Hey, it's Holly, are you..."
"Oh hi Holly, I'm in California right now for Thanksgiving. How's the weather up there?"

How did I ever go more than a year without sex? Suddenly I can't take a week. (The Wednesday before last, Jon tied me down on my knees and held my head down on his cock for as long as I could go without breathing. But that's just so much misty memories...)

Should I admit I masturbated three times today? Is that sad? I mean, I had the day off, and Black Friday made it impossible to go a lot of places, and... I have a really really high sex drive. I could resist, but there wasn't a reason I should. Other than how embarrassing it would be if I told the Internet about it. But I'm used to that.


  1. I haven't had sex in over two years -- satisfying sex in around three and a half. Haven't even seen a boob in six months.

  2. Hey Bruno, I don't know where're you at, but if you feel like taking a trip to upstate New York, we can totally fix all of that.

  3. Oh God Bruno, I'm really sorry. (If it helps, I went two years before my current good luck. But I wasn't actively dating the way you do.)

    I guess either your standards are too high or there's something unpleasant about you in person? I haven't seen evidence of the latter... and frankly not much of the former either.

    So, um... your life sucks right now and I'm sorry, and my only consolation is being pretty damn sure you will get laid and thoroughly. I'm just not sure how.

    I mean, if I were ever within 3000 miles of you...

  4. Bruno - I'd take her up on it, she's awesome and she's fucking hot.

    Dorkie - I'm going to be in New York state sometime this winter...

    ...we could organize something beautiful.

  5. Oh man, this sounds like a very, very good time.

  6. When I think about it (and I do), I'm calling you guys by your Internet names. "Ohhh... Dorkiewitch!"

    I hope you're all right with that.

  7. You can just call me Dorkie if you want to ;-)
    I totally am calling you's going to happen.

  8. Who knows what miracles you can achieve...

    when you BELIEEEEEEEVE.

    Damn, I gotta go to work. Let's double-team Bruno some other time.

  9. *salute* Will do!
    Have fun at work no y'hear!

  10. Let's double-team Bruno some other time.

    But soon. Please?

  11. Ha.
    We live with an 8 month old.. It seems like a long time...

  12. Scott - oh dear, I knew it'd be less often with a kid around, but... oh dear. :(

    Bruno - I talked to Dorkie and I gotta tell you, if you think this is all idle chatter, believe me when I say the only thing between you and a pile of writhing exceptionally pale bodies is logistics. (Dorkie's hot, too. I'm resigned to the knowledge that I may not be your piece of soccergirl but Dorkie is a freaking lifeguard. Like, Baywatch style lifeguard. Except without the tan, the silicone, or the stupid.)

    I know it's holiday season and all, but... what're y'all doing the first week of January?

  13. Ha, yeah, vacation, that'll be the day. I'm free, always. Basically I only work mornings, and then I'm free. I don't think I'll have my new job by then so yeah, come on up for a visit.
    Bruno - if you wanna get in some er...practice before she visits, e-mail me baby.

  14. if y'all are emailing filthy plans, will keep me in the loop...

  15. I doubt Bruno's standards are too high, although it does drive me nuts when average joes expect their women to be supermodels. I'm guessing from reading his past comments that he doesn't relate well to women in real life. I hope you've been teaching him a thing or two.

    Say, you should make him a pet project - give him a series of small assignments that will eventually lead to him getting laid. "Getting Bruno Laid" could be a weekly post topic that could generate a lot of interaction and enrich the sex blog community. You could gather info from him by having him fill out a questionnaire describing his grooming habits, fashion sense, social skills, favorite hang outs, living situation, job details, location, and past dating history.

    I've done it before - if a guy asks me pointblank why he's not getting laid, I'll tell him he talks too loud and doesn't make eye contact and wears sweater vests and has hobbies that are mainly male centered. Constructive criticism might sting, but the end result is worth it, kinda like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

    Then once Bruno gets laid you can take on another case. Voila! Instant sex therapist! Or you can just fuck the guys not getting laid out of pity. I've done that plenty, too.

  16. TBK - Pet project? That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of. If you want to help a guy out, great. That's super nice of you to help a friend or someone you know that needs and/or asks for help. But "Oh, look at my puppy, he can do tricks I taught him." Gross. And making it a weekly thing on her sex blog. Kinda sick.
    As a joke, it's kinda funny and I can see her doing it, but somehting serious? *Vomits*
    Oh, and you realize that Bruno reads your comments too? You talked like him like he was a filthy disgusting person that either could read what you were saying or couldn't understand. Uh, Hello?

    Bruno - From what I've read from you, I think you sound like a great guy. Hell even if you don't want to jump right into my bed, I would love to get to know you.

  17. TBK - I'm with Dorkie on this one. You realize we don't actually own Bruno? (We'd like to own his ass, but only for a couple hours and only metaphorically.)

    And we know him somewhat outside this blog and he's not some armpit-scratching shambles just waiting for Female/Gay Wisdom to teach him the joys of hair product and collared shirts. He's an ordinary, likable guy who's not getting pussy at the moment.

    And if I do fuck Bruno (oh please God oh please oh please), it will not be a pity fuck. It will be an I-have-an-enormous-crush-on-him fuck.

  18. Hang on... this Bruno chap. From what I gather here, Dorkiewitch has never met the guy, Holly "somewhat knows" him but is aware that he has low standards despite actively dating, and it's common knowledge that his life sucks. But from reading the occasional comments he posts on a blog, both ladies are just DYING to fuck him.

    I ...don't get it. Are you guys seriously going to fuck this man out of spite for another blogger? Um, I rarely lol, but LOL!!

  19. Manda - No, it's not spite, it's a long-standing ambition of mine. I've known Bruno and Dorkie for more than a year online (not just through this blog), this isn't QUITE as idiotically spontaneous as it looks.

  20. he has low standards despite actively dating, and it's common knowledge that his life sucks

    I don't have low standards, despite frequent temptations to lower them, and apart from a pathetic-to-nonexistent amative component, my life doesn't suck.

    I am, however, a chap. :)

  21. Aw dang, Bruno, I just realized that all this defense of your honor is damaging your mythos.

    How we should have played it:
    "You're right, it is crazy, this Bruno fella drops a few anonymous comments and suddenly women are flying across the country for the chance to tag-team him... he's just got that much mojo."

  22. *grins*
    I just gotta say, this is NOT by any means, to spite another blogger.
    I wouldn't fuck someone just to spite someone.
    I've know Holly for a while and have been wanting to get her in my bed, since, oh yeah, we started talking :-D
    And I think a night with these two would be oh-so-much-fun.

  23. "That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard of."

    I feel like I'm in a tea room with ladies wearing gloves and I farted.

    Hey thanks for clarifying. Here I was thinking, "Wow, a dude comments on a sex blog for a couple months and the end result is a threesome with two hot sex bloggers? Total Make-a-Wish foundation material, and he doesn't even have cancer!"

    Have a fab time, and we look forward to reading allll about it.

  24. TBK - I'm sorry if I'm excessively rude, but I'm just kind of rubbed the wrong way by the suggestion of sex-as-charity--it's demeaning to Bruno and suggests that I (being a woman and all) need to have a motive other than wanting to.

    (And the idea of "fixing" Bruno? He's older and probably smarter than me, I'd feel like a twat telling a grown man how to dress himself and talk to girls.)

    And I apologize once again for failing to make my life entirely into reality TV, but I don't think I'm going to blog this one--I know Bruno and Dorkie will be reading and that just makes it too weird. (Also, Bruno's kind of a private-ish person and probably would not like a detailed review of his sexual skillset posted up for the world to see.)