Monday, November 26, 2007

Snarking Cosmo.

I'm in an easy-target sort of mood. (I'll break my agonizing nearly-two-week dry spell tonight and then we can go back to horny details.) And Cosmopolitan sex tips (second page) are the very easiest of targets.

1. "Gosh, being wet and slippery with you does nothing for me, honey... unless the water smells like grandma's perfume, then it's hot as hell."
2. He'll practically bust out of his pants laughing if I say that. Also if I jam my hand in there only to find that I can't reach his cock. "No, no, honey, I dress to the left."
3. That doesn't sound even slightly awkward.
4. "Oh baby, oh baby, you make me so tachy"
5. Actually, not bad ideas, except that the pretend-it's-a-hotel theme is pretty goofy. If I'm pretending my room is something it's not, by God it's going to be a spaceship.
6. Technically, it's 2-D, just mapped to a cylindrical surface. But, yeah, the idea's okay.
7. It's gotten to the point where when Brandon sees me revving up to an orgasm, he puts his hand over my mouth, so that he might have a hope of ever making eye contact with a neighbor again.
8. Solid ideas, although the idea that this is groundbreaking news to someone breaks my heart. Also, I like the metal ones.
9. Creeeeepy.
10. Wait, uh, so I'm just supposed to sit there and huff on it for a while? Huh.
11. That's not a tip, that's a basic position. You can't just give reverse cowgirl a stupider name and make it a "tip"! Geez.
12. Okay, now kissing is a tip.
13. HAHAHAHA. (Not that I don't dance naked when I'm alone. But it doesn't make me more body-adjusted, it makes me more ridiculous.)
14. "So, um, baby, are we going to do it? I mean, today?"
15. If you can carefully control your breathing at that point, the battle is already lost.
16. I was with this until they got to pasta. I guess tortellini maybe, but ugh, can you imagine trying to sexily hand-feed someone spaghetti?
17. Okay, now being an obnoxious attention whore is a tip.
18. No, sleeping with other people is how I get the having-an-affair thrill. Much more effective.
19. This one is actually kinda hot.
20. Pillows? Jesus, if I'd actually bought the magazine and paid four bucks for "The best sex tips ever!", I would be so pissed to find out that freaking pillows are a tip.

I should do a list of "Holly sex tips", but the experience might be humbling.


  1. Speaking from a totally committed, heterosexual, vanilla-sex-all-the-way perspective...these are just sad.

    I mean, roll of quarters? Kissing? PILLOWS?

    *dies and is dead*

  2. aebhel - Actually, I think the line is salvageable if I change it to "roll of dimes," because then at least we can have a good laugh before I get slapped around for my impertinence.

  3. Lately, I've had to revise downward my estimation of the average adult's level of sexual knowledge.

    After running into one guy who could not seem to fathom the idea that a guy who was straight and male would ever want anything anywhere near his butt (or that a guy who was gay WOULDN'T), and then a totally different one who couldn't fathom why a woman would call herself a lesbian if she enjoyed penetration...

    Yeah, these were not teenagers. Sexually savvy adults are more rare than we'd like to believe.

  4. LabRat - Interesting that in both cases it seems like the problem was people confusing acts and orientations. (Which of course is tremendously demeaning in the opposite direction--"So you're married, I guess that means you really like a nice hard cock, eh?")

    I dunno, even with massive sexual ignorance... pillows? I mean, I'd like to think even your most abstinence-only-educated couple wouldn't be thinking "gosh, this would be easier with my butt up a couple inches...and we're in a bed... it's a shame we can't think of a single thing!"

    Then again, I can barely count how many girls I know who don't use condoms when they hook up with random strangers. "It's okay, I'm on the Pill!" Hey, if Cosmo is so big on sex tips, why don't they have more articles on "Contracting HIV is a NOT this season"?