I'm going to talk to Benny.
Funnily enough, I realized that "do nothing" wasn't the answer when I saw every commenter who advised "do nothing" as a total asshat. It's interesting how I could tell myself "it's none of your business, don't be psycho" but when someone else says it... how dare you, motherfucker? (Top prize going to "call the cops otherwise it was nothing" dude. Cops always want to hear about how someone violated the rules of a sexually deviant subculture 8 months ago in a different state.) I think this reaction means that it really is important that I do something.
So I'll talk to him. And he's not irredeemable, I think; he's not some serial predator who consciously plans the grooming and undoing of his victims, he's just a garden variety insensitive and disrespectful jerkbag.
(It isn't just one incident that makes me think that; there was other stuff, some of which I didn't write about at the time because I didn't want to be called an idiot for staying with him. He would think it was really funny to tickle me even though I hate tickling, and tell me I must like it because I was laughing, and there was one incident where he just held me down--he's about 100 pounds more than me--and didn't do anything to me but wouldn't let me up. But again, funny, right? Okay, and one incident where I said "no" and he stuck his dick in me anyway, but only for a second and I'm not really sure why I said "no" anyway and it wasn't like a big dramatic thing. It was more "momentarily really weird" than "OMG RAEP.")
What is my goal, really? My goal isn't "Benny never touches a woman again," that's vindictive and anyway impossible--say I could reach this girlfriend, it would only make him angry and I couldn't reach the next one. My goal is "Benny treats women respectfully." And to do that I have to go to him.
What's my message?
1) This is not an attack. I'm not going to harass him or "out" him. I just want him to read and really consider this one message, and after that message I'll unfriend him and disappear.
2) Women's bodies and feelings are Serious Business, no exceptions. Benny often fucked around with me as a "joke" or because I somehow "didn't count," and thus mocking (funny!) a pervy slut (not a regular person!) is not like abusing a woman. Maybe I can point this out to him and maybe he'll catch himself if he starts thinking of reasons why an act or a person doesn't count.
3) What he did to me was Bad. Not "seems like we both made mistakes," not "bad sex," not "miscommunication," not "awkward." He knew what I wanted and he did the opposite, and it it was painful and frightening for me. He did wrong and he should know it.
4) If he knows what he did wrong, he knows how to not do it again. Maybe he'll figure out that he really did something wrong, experience a little guilt, become a little more self-aware of how he treats women, and learn that "no" or "safeword" doesn't mean "maybe not" but means "EMERGENCY BRAKE FULL STOP BOLTS OPEN MAGS OUT." Boy that's a lot to hinge on a Facebook message. But it's worth a try.
Ugh. I'm sorry if this post comes off weird. I know it's too dramatic, and maybe a little too therapy-speak-y (I was watching "Hoarders"). I don't want to compare myself with people who've lived through abuse abuse, I know there are people out there who've spent years going through stuff every day worse than two or three minor incidents with Benny. But this is the thought process I went through, so... yeah.