Sunday, May 2, 2010

Cosmocking: May '10!

It's finally here! It was a long time coming because of difficulties in switching my subscription but it is here oh joy!

Blue cover! But it's not solid, it's a gradient holy crap what is this world coming to! Heidi Klum! I can't put my finger on it but wow does she look exactly like Mistress Matisse in this photo! She's wearing a "dress" that appears to just be black pantyhose wrapped around her body over a white slip, but I'm sure it's actually couture and costs more than all my organs! This is "The SEXY Issue" and it wants you to know "The 7 Best Orgasm Tricks in the World"!

Most hilarious cover tagline: "Why Men Marry Some Women--and Not Others". Because they cannot marry all of the women, Cosmo.

"She's the kind of girl who not only likes sex with the lights on--she'd also be cool doing it under a floodlight so I could see every inch of her."
See, this is what happens when you don't have fetishes. If you think that sex with the lights on is the sexiest thing ever, eventually just room lights aren't enough and your fantasies spiral out of control until you have to imagine the biggest light ever and it's ON oh god just to maintain an erection.

Does your man morph into a whiny 5-year-old when he's sick? Say "I know you're feeling bad, but if I start mothering you, I'll have trouble seeing you as a sex object the next time you're in the mood." He'll soon be on the road to recovery.
And when I'm done with that, I could kick a puppy, because fucking puppies, thinking they can get away with shit because they're all cute and shit, fuck 'em.

This issue contains punch-out stencils for shaping your pubic hair. Seriously. There's a triangle, heart, arrow, and landing strip. They seem really big. I know I don't have the lankiest proportions, but I punched out the landing strip and it extends further than my actual pubes do. It's nearly up to my belly button. This isn't a landing strip, it's an international airport.

...as if that's the weirdest thing about this whole deal.

It's so unfair that while your guy has to try not to explode, triggering your orgasm during sex can feel like a major project. Blame it on the way we're built. "Women take longer to reach their peak because their anatomy is more complicated," explains [idiot].
Oh god, not this "complicated" shit. You know what? Men have widely varying levels of sensitivity and aversion in their glans, frenulum, shaft, foreskin, testicles, perineum, buttocks, anus, nipples, inner thighs, lower abdomen, and left freakin' big toe. I guess this means that male anatomy is coooomplicated, wah, so I can't be held responsible if my male partners are just too darn complicated to get off. And, by sheer coincidence, it fits in perfectly with my stereotype of men as capricious and mysterious creatures that humans can't quite understand.

You could tell your partner what to do every step of the way, except that calling out directions like TomTom won't exactly put you in an orgasm-friendly headspace.
Hey, TomTom doesn't have a recording for "oh yeah, deeper, just a little, oh wow, press harder... OH YES JUST EXACTLY THERE OH GOD FUCK ME JUST LIKE THAT" Road, okay?

And it would be really distracting for him too. For guys, libido and confidence are linked, so "even the suggestion that he's doing something wrong in bed can make him insecure and derail his desire," says [moron].
"You want to touch my clit? That's... great, really, great. You want to lick my nipples? That's... excellent, you're a very special boy. You're getting out the live armadillo? That's... wonderful, you get a gold star."

This whole article, although it's titled "The World's Best Orgasm Tricks," is really just a guide to having sex without ever communicating anything. You're not allowed to tell him where to touch you, but you're allowed to moan more when he guesses right; you're not allowed to ask for more foreplay, but you're allowed to refuse to take your underpants off. It's actually amazing the lengths these "sexperts" will go to to avoid using the English language.

Specific example:
Another trick: Bring chocolate sauce or any other yummy substance to bed. Let a little spill on the spot where you want to feel his mouth, and invite him to lick it off, says [idiot]. It's a fun way to make him realize that the sides and bottoms of my breasts--not just the nipples--crave kisses and licks.
Hey, chocolate sauce, awesome, I did that once when I was sixteen, but why exactly am I allergic to the sentence "the sides and bottoms of my breasts are really sensitive, kiss and lick me there"?

I'm not trying to be kinkier-than-thou, the "sixteen" comment was dumb (although true!), there's nothing wrong with chocolate sauce if that's how you like to get sticky. But it should be a way of having fun, not a way of playing Marco Polo with your erogenous zones because you think using words is cutting his balls off.

Q: He does the schmoopy baby-talk thing. It's annoying. How do I get him to stop?
A: Turn it into a joke. Try repeating this line from Forgetting Sarah Marshall: "I can see your vagina from here!"

And having a vagina, that would be terrible.

Q: Do open relationships work?
A: No.

Pffft.

Call him when he's at work and tell him about a fantasy you "just had" that involves his protecting you from danger then jumping your bones. It'll make him feel more manly... and turned on.
I know I'm a beta and I got no game, but when I tell a guy about my sexual fantasies, I'm telling him my goddamn fantasies. It's a really personal and hot thing. If I just fucking make them up, that electrical sense of vulnerability and intimacy is gone. Also, shit, I've got enough of 'em already, I don't need to make up any more.

On fixing "sex glitches":
Oops, you're out of lube!
Mix 1 tablespoon of saliva (the thick kind deep in your throat works best--its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with 1 tablespoon of water (to stretch out the spit). Swish it in your mouth to blend.

I didn't know that you could make the advice "just hock a loogie on it" 500% more complicated and 1000% more gross, but Cosmo, you managed.

God. It's sinking in slowly. You have to hock a loogie into a tablespoon, then slurp it back up, then put some water on the spoon, and slurp that in too without swallowing the loogie, then swirl it up in your mouth and then spit it out in your hand and then put it on your junk. I may be kinky but that's the most perverted thing I've heard all day.

You're feeling kinky but short on props (like a scarf) to tie him up.
Public Service Announcement: do not tie people up with scarves. They are a bitch and a half to untie and can cut off circulation while you're trying to find a hacksaw. Rope and restraints aren't "edgier," they actually work better.

This issue contains content on an iPhone app that means he's cheating (it deletes old text messages, so, you know, CHEATER), an iPhone app to listen to during sex (white noise, sexy), and an iPhone app that makes it into a vibrator (moisture damage not covered by warranty). I'm wondering about sponsorship.

You and your guy tend to be loud... but you have roommates.
Rent a horror flick (with plenty of yelling and shrieking) and tell them you're going to watch it in your room. If they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie.

"Holly, why do you watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, specifically the dinner scene on repeated loop, three times a night? Are you... okay?"

[Fair warning: linked scene is completely horrible.]

There's an article entitled "The Item of Clothing All Wives Should Toss." It's sweatpants, of course, because if you own a single pair, your marriage is over. There's even a great story in here from a woman who bought sweatpants and that very day stopped having sex with her husband.
[Dumbass] calls sweats the anti-lingerie, because there's nothing mysterious or gender-specific about them. He insists that even if we aren't in the mood for the wild sex that lingerie--with its straps and clasps--invites, Scott and I should still make quiet time seductive my rousing each other's senses.
Shit, man, don't I get any down time? I gotta be constantly fuckable even when I don't actually want to fuck? Should I wear cleats all the time too, just in case a golf tournament breaks out?

8 pages later, there's a pictorial of a well-toned young woman in a sports bra and very tight sweatpants doing thigh exercises in a very... flexible... manner. If her husband sees this he's going to be totally turned off and never fuck her again.

Oh Lord. This is already a long Cosmocking but I can't stop now because I just came across an article entitled "Could This Be the New Wonder Drug?" And they are not talking about modafinil. In fact, I wasn't entirely clear for a moment what they were talking about, because the graphic is a jar of translucent blue capsules.

Studies about the health benefits of semen landed on our desks.
I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at the art-direction meeting where they decided that making the capsules white would be just a little too much.

The studies in question state that women who have unprotected vaginal sex report less depression than women who use condoms, therefore semen is an antidepressant. (Presumably it isn't effective orally, but I'd like to make a trial with the transbuccal route.) Apparently the magical chemical has the extremely non-marketing-friendly name of "spermidine."

A few spas are now touting spermidine facials.
*rimshot*

On camping (actually, on pretending to go camping by lying in sleeping bags in the backyard, oh Cosmo):
Don't worry about lying on the ground--animal studies suggest that bacteria found in soil may produce serotonin, a feel-good hormone.
And if you were eating the soil, and if serotonin was orally active, that would mean something! Specifically it would mean you might go hyperthermic and die! Because Serotonin Does Not Work That Way!

Thanks to your crap computer, you call the IT guy at work at least once a week. Last time, you greeted him with:
A) "Hi, I'm having trouble accessing the server."
B) "How's my favorite computer genius doing today?"
C) "I'm about to owe you a little sumthin'-sumthin' the next time I see you."

The answer is B. Because actual sexual harassment of the IT guys who undoubtedly hate your guts (if you're calling every goddamn week, it's not the "crap computer," it's what happens after you "deleted all those files I never use anyway") is going a little far, but being hilariously condescending is, according to the quiz, "working your sex appeal."

You know how you have that one fantasy that never fails to set you off when you're masturbating? There's nothing wrong with conjuring up that same image when you're with your guy. Just don't scream out R-Patz's name.
"OH YEAH, OH YEAH... TAKE IT ALL, R-PATZ!!!"

26 comments:

  1. I love how they act like only men are vulnerable self-esteem-wise during sex...like it has to be painstakingly explained to us that insulting a guy's technique is mean.

    Interesting how this somehow leads to the conclusion that giving any direction in bed is bad. "OW! What the fuck are you doing? Are you retarded?" is not the same thing as (distracting him from doing an ouchy thing with:) "Ooooh touch me over here...yesyesyes I like that."

    And how fascinating that the boyfriends of Cosmo readers have to try really hard not to orgasm. I wonder if they shoot really soon or if Cosmo girls are just total sausage fiends who want to be fucked for two hours? (I'm assuming that trying-not-to-come is a Cosmo guy thing since none of my partners ever seemed to preoccupied with it)

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  2. I think I am the only man in the world who finds Sweatpants and a sports bra irresistible. Hawt. Please, don't throw away the sweatpants!

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  3. Nope, you're not the only one. And they don't even have to be tight sweatpants; with a sports bra they can be loose. Especially if there is an exercise sheen. Mmm.

    Loose sweatpants with a loose sweatshirt on the other hand, is one of the more resistable outfits, highly suited to occasions where irresistability is a minus.

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  4. It has never taken me (what I consider) a long time to get a woman off. Not because I'm so damn virile; because I'm patient, at least in this area. And because presumably like a lot of male Pervocrats I'm usually enjoying myself (both because I enjoy seeing/hearing women come and because the whole thing is a collaborative process), but that's not really the point I'm trying to make.

    Nor have I ever been deflated by the suggestion that I'm doing something "wrong" (that is, something my partner isn't enjoying). I'd like to know so I can stop.

    Call him when he's at work and tell him about a fantasy you "just had" that involves his protecting you from danger then jumping your bones. It'll make him feel more manly... and turned on.
    Um, I guess? I notice there's no suggestion the reader should actually have such a fantasy.

    Though considering they had to tell people to think about things that make them hot while fucking ...

    Rope and restraints aren't "edgier," they actually work better.
    That makes them edgier. Actually planning for sex makes you a dirty whore, ask any particularly sheltered, guilty teenager. By similar reasoning, actually planning bondage makes you a perverted freak. It has to be spontaneous and novel to be acceptable.

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  5. Q: Do open relationships work?
    A: No.


    I suspect my open relationship marriage has lasted longer than a vast majority of the Cosmo staff's relationships. Hell, I suspect that my long term poly-partners relationships have too.

    Then again, we're talking about Cosmo readers here.

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  6. Perlhaqr - I think open relationships might not work if you're committed to the no-communication lifestyle. It's very difficult to express concepts like "I'm having some feelings of jealousy which I know aren't justified but would still feel much better if we set aside some time just for us in the coming week" using chocolate sauce.

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  7. Holly - ROTFL! Poly processing via chocolate is SO going on my list of things to do.

    <3
    flightless

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  8. That last line was awesome Holly, now I'm giggling like an idiot.

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  9. 'It's very difficult to express concepts like "I'm having some feelings of jealousy which I know aren't justified but would still feel much better if we set aside some time just for us in the coming week" using chocolate sauce.'

    As the others said, that's a beautiful line!

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  10. OMG, I was cracking up at the "hock a loogie" part. Thanks for making my day brighter!

    Studies about the health benefits of semen landed on our desks.
    I would have loved to be a fly on the wall at the art-direction meeting where they decided that making the capsules white would be just a little too much.


    This makes me think of all the adds for maxi pads, toilet paper, and diapers, that use blue fluid to protect us from thinking about our natural bodily processes.

    I actually have heard of the health benefits of semen before, but that was as a cooking ingredient.

    Because Serotonin Does Not Work That Way!

    Oh, Morbo... :)

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  11. Out of lube? Well, since I use olive oil, I rarely run out.

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  12. Having seen your wide, moist eyes and quivering lips when you spoke of your missing Cosmo, I can feel your passion, and I give you joy of it. May you and your current subscription have a long and happy relationship together.

    "This isn't a landing strip, it's an international airport" -- and here I thought from reading your blog that your pubic area WAS an international airport. :)

    By the way, I’ll pay you in cash if I can watch the armadillo scene. While I prefer aardvarks myself, I’d like to see Dasypodidae Play at some point.

    I’d like to second the comments about patience, and also open relationships that involve communication. Trying to have an open relationship without good communication is like trying to drive the Spikemobile from Buffy. While sitting in the backseat. Facing backward.

    And without Willow there, either.

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  13. It's very difficult to express concepts like "I'm having some feelings of jealousy which I know aren't justified but would still feel much better if we set aside some time just for us in the coming week" using chocolate sauce.

    *dying laughing*

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  14. I don't think I own anything that could even remotely be termed 'sexy lingerie', and I still manage to get laid on a fairly regular basis.

    Clearly, I'm doing something wrong.

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  15. I briefly considered commenting to roll my eyes at the "do open relationships work" thing but decided it was too content-light to post, but I wanted to add my appreciation for the nuances of communication via chocolate sauce. That was brill.

    (Meanwhile I just suddenly realised that it's within the realm of possibility that one of my husbands and I have been together since some Cosmo readers were in diapers, presuming at least a reasonable fraction of the audience in late teens.)

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  16. My roommate puts on loud movies when he has sex. I don't think he realizes that I can still hear him when I'm sitting at the kitchen table, doing homework, 5 feet away from his bedroom, just like I was when he closed his bedroom door. Hell, I can hear the bed squeaking from there, too. I don't mind him being noisy and having fun, I just can't imagine staying turned on with random movie racket in the background.

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  17. "A few spas are now touting spermidine facials.
    *rimshot*"

    Um, no. Facials. Opposite end.

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  18. To the person who wrote:
    *****

    Rope and restraints aren't "edgier," they actually work better.
    That makes them edgier. Actually planning for sex makes you a dirty whore, ask any particularly sheltered, guilty teenager. By similar reasoning, actually planning bondage makes you a perverted freak. It has to be spontaneous and novel to be acceptable.

    ****
    Dead on. This reminds me of when I was eighteen and a friend of mine found condoms in my handbag. 'Don't you think that's kind of slutty???'

    I'm unsure what was really bothering her. Was I being offensively presumptious to think someone would have sex with me?

    Thankfully I kept my confidence in safe sex.

    Either way, thanks for writing that.

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  19. Last weekend I didn't have anything to wrap my boyfriend's birthday gift with, so I taped together a bunch of pages & choice quotes from this month's Cosmo to make wrapping paper. He & his roommates taped it to the kitchen wall & now they have a collage that says things like "14 THINGS ABOUT GUYS" and "7 GREATEST ORGASM TRICKS" & "WHAT MAKES YOU SEXUAL NAPALM." It's hilarious.

    Involving sticky food products in sex sounds so disgusting to me. I find it odd that it's regarded as a fun, "light" kink; anyone who's *actually* aroused by the use of chocolate in sex is into some freaky shit I don't even want to KNOW about.

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  20. You're getting out the live armadillo? That's... wonderful, you get a gold star.

    You read this, didn't you? :)

    Involving sticky food products in sex sounds so disgusting to me. I find it odd that it's regarded as a fun, "light" kink...

    The one person I know who's really into food... Well, he's not into "light" kinky anything. Seriously, after seeing what he brought to a playparty (though not the scene itself), I regard sploosh as serious edgeplay. I kind of get smooshing cake on people. But the half-gallon catering tin of cheese dip? Gah.

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  21. Elmo - Holy convergent evolution, Batman! I did not read that.

    Sploosh is on my "not hot, but wheee fun" kink list. Even with cheese dip.

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  22. More power to ya, YKIOK, etc. My very own fiancee has a whee-fun reaction, "as long as there's a tarp and I'm the one throwing the cake".

    But I'll leave y'all to it. _Not_ my thing. :)

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  23. Someone had to post this:
    http://www.cracked.com/funny-4420-advice-about-relationships/

    Pretty good summary, apart from the severe deep-end stuff. :P When does the Maxim-mocking begin?

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  24. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

    Cosmocking always makes me depressed and happy at the same time!

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  25. It turns out that exposure to the *bacteria* actually causes *you* to produce serotonin in the appropriate and useful locations. Which yeah, could have been phrased better.

    The journal article, if you are so inclined. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1868963/

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