Cosmocking: September '10!

I'm baaaack! And Cosmo, well, Cosmo never left us! Blue cover! Jessica Alba! "Untamed Va-jay-jays" in very large font, I seriously can't believe they sell this thing at supermarkets! Also "GUY SEX," although technically they are only referring to guy-girl sex! Because Cosmo wants to be shocking and modern and stuff, but only for, you know, normal people!

A moment to talk about Spanx. Every issue of Cosmo mentions this stuff. In this one, they're taking the unbelievably depressing step of revealing that Jessica Alba wears Spanx, because just because you're Jessica Fucking Alba doesn't mean your body's good enough. What are Spanx? They're body shapers: hideous underwear designed to compress and conceal your problem areas. And Cosmo would like us to believe that we all should (actually, they usually talk with the assumption that we all do) wear Spanx at all times. Because we are all broken and we must all be fixed. Because sexy is something that you are, not something you do. Because wearing clothes that you can't fuck in--sometimes that you can't even go potty in--is necessary to be fuckable. Because you are sexiest when you look least like yourself. Because the idea that your raw glistening lusty humanity is the sexiest fucking thing about you would seriously endanger the hundred-dollar-hideous-underwear industry.

Even if you feel like you're not ready for marriage this minute, it's crucial at least to discuss the prospect of exchanging rings by the 18-month mark of a relationship [...] and then follow it up with a check-in every year to make sure that you both still see it happening.
Even if you don't want to get married, make sure he wants to get married. Because, really, you want to get married. Cosmo knows. Cosmo even has a timeline all planned out for you. Come on already and give Cosmo some grandchildren.

[on TV shows you should or shouldn't watch with him]
Man vs. Wild - Seeing the host gut a camel is badass, but hearing a girl whine about how disgusting it is ruins it.
It's not disgusting. It's fascinating, and ultimately this kind of carnage is where all meat comes from. I eat meat, so naturally I don't really mind... OH GOD WHERE DID MY VAGINA GO.

Mythbusters
Oh you did not just tell me not to watch "Mythbusters." We aren't friends anymore, Cosmo. (Actually, last time Rowdy was over, we watched "Mythbusters." The conclusion we reached: Kari yes, Grant probably, Tori yes, Adam yes, Jamie no. Not because Jamie isn't sexy, but because he has such hardcore kinks that he can't even play with anyone who isn't super experienced and battle-hardened. He'd completely use me up in thirty seconds.)

A Stanford University study revealed that the area of the brain associated with reward and addiction is more active in men than in women when playing video games. Dud. But what's surprising is that games that involve defending a place, like Halo, had the most powerful effect. Since men are instinctively territorial, fending off invaders is like crack for their inner Neanderthal.
I'd go "people aren't descended from Neanderthals!", but apparently people of Eurasian descent kind of are, so never mind. (I'd go "people aren't currently Neanderthals!", but ugh, we could be here all day.) Instead I'll just point out that Halo isn't a "defending a place" game; it's mostly about advancing through enemy territory. Maybe they were playing Capture The Flag instead of campaign mode. Neanderthals do love Capture The Flag.

Oh never fucking mind, they didn't actually play Halo at all. Although the researchers did themselves declare that "It doesn’t take a genius to figure out who historically are the conquerors and tyrants of our species—they’re the males.", so, you know, that's the only logical conclusion from determining who likes to play little clicky Flash games more.

They didn't compare a non-territory-control game like a platform puzzle or whatever, and they don't mention controlling for how much previous gaming experience the subjects had, and they don't seem to consider that men might feel more rewarded because they're better at the game rather than vice versa. But hey, you don't have to be a genius to figure out that 22 subjects and one clicky Flash game proves that the reason men were historically dominant is that they naturally deserved it, case closed.

[A guy goes on a three-day "juice cleanse" fast to empathize with the way his girlfriend diets.]
That's really the worst part of the cleanse. It's not the absence of food--though that part is fucking terrible--it's the interruption it causes in every aspect of your life. Anytime someone said something to me, I found myself taking a long-ass time to process it and respond.
[...]I lost 8 pounds in three days. But as soon as I finished, I pigged out and gained it all back.
I won't be trying another detox but I am glad I did it. It's taught me to appreciate what my girlfriend goes through. And from now on, I won't just tell her she's pretty. I'll tell her she's damn hot, because she is, and the stuff she goes through to feel good and healthy is hard.
You won't tell her, hey, don't go on diets so extreme you can't think normally, because that shit clearly isn't good for your health? "Oh honey, I found out that your behavior is really hurting you, and that makes me appreciate it so much more!"

(Hey! Cosmo printed "fuck"! Usually they're squeamish about that one.)

Now comes the fashion section, which I generally skim, but I couldn't help noticing that they're pushing $28 pantyhose. Am I the only one who finds pantyhose to be basically a single-use item? I get $5 hose because I just destroy it. I dunno, maybe the $28 variety is more durable, but I'd be really annoyed if I paid that and then it ripped in five minutes like they always do.

Aw man, the first sex article is just reprints from one of their sex-position books given different names. The same positions that they also repeated unaltered for their iPhone app. Cosmo's gotten a whole lotta mileage out of "The Stairway Sizzler."

When he's angry and you need to defuse a fight: place your hand on top of his shoulder, keeping your elbow straight.
Maybe this is paranoia, and I know they're talking about people who are intimate and who are just having a regular argument, but I wouldn't touch someone who was revving up to a fight. Laying hands on is an excellent way to set off a brewing explosion, or to escalate someone from verbal to physical. (Hopefully not abusively physical, but at least shoving your hand away and taking on a threatening stance while making the argument much more intense and emotional.) It's condescending to touch someone who's reasonably upset, and it's dangerous to touch someone who's unreasonably upset.

"It may make things hotter for her when she breaks out a bunch of devices or other sex toys, but if a girl does it too often, it makes me look down and think there's something wrong with my own equipment."
I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings by implying that your penis doesn't vibrate. There, there. And I definitely didn't mean to put my sexual pleasure over your delicate, nay, diaphanous little ego.

Q: I've never been that turned on by breast stimulation. How can I get more pleasure?
Touch the places that do turn you on. (Needless to say, Cosmo just goes through a bunch of different ways she could stimulate her breasts, because accepting your body as it is--that way lies madness.)

[pickup line for women] "My bracelet fell off. Can you clasp it for me?"
"Why sure... hey... how exactly did you put this on at home?"

Make eye contact with a hot guy--it activates the brain's reward center. [...] Gazing at a photo of your significant other activates the part of your brain associated with intense reward.
Anything that feels good "activates the brain's reward center." In fact, activation of the brain's reward center is the experience of feeling good. It's a complete truism. I ate some chicken soup today and activated my brain's reward center, then scratched an itch and activated my brain's reward center, then watched this video (NWS) and activated my brain's reward center.

Your pain threshold is at its highest from 3 to 5 p.m., so it's an ideal time for an overdue pedicure.
A) Are pedicures supposed to hurt? I've never had one, but I thought they just prettied up your toenails and stuff. I didn't realize they required pain tolerance.

B) Whoever made that determination clearly didn't take 3 AM into account.

[On fixes for minor medical problems] Your heels hurt from wearing flats.
Whoa. I never even considered this possibility. I guess the Cosmo Girl is supposed to be so acclimated to heels that her tendons have actually shortened and she can no longer comfortably walk like a normal person? Whoa. That certainly brings harsh new meaning to the phrase "living Barbie."

Our walk tends to be stiffest when we ovulate. Fisher theorizes that our predecessors wanted to avoid continual pregnancy, so they would intuitively rein in their hips in an attempt to discourage advances.
Yeah, we wouldn't experience a dip in actual sex drive that would cause us to decide not to have sex, we just would make ourselves very subtly less sexy. Because, see above digression on Spanx, sex isn't a thing women do, it's a thing women look like. You wiggle your hips or not and the rest is all out of your hands.

Anyway, "continual" pregnancy is avoided mostly through lactational amenorrhea in societies without birth control.

I never planned to marry my stepbrother. Who does? But I couldn't imagine wanting anyone but Sam.
Oh no, Cosmo... oh no no no no.

Also, the "I couldn't imagine wanting anyone but you," rhetoric, while possibly true here because she doesn't have any other siblings, strikes me as sort of creepy. I'd say something more like "I want you a whole lot," because even if I were monogamous, I can still imagine being monogamous with someone else. I mean, there's a lot of dudes out there and some of them are really awesome, you know? Doesn't mean I'd necessarily cheat, just that I'm... realistic.

A Softer World is realistic too, and on some level I find that more romantic, not less.