Friday, August 8, 2008

Cosmocking: Random Stuff Off The Cosmo Website!

Because my grocery store only had CosmoStyle and CosmoGirl, and I'm just not a dedicated enough blogger to go to two stores.

3 Kinds of Sex All Men Crave
After your man whups his pals on the basketball court or nails an important deal at work, he's likely to crave an uninhibited quickie against a wall or a lusty shag anywhere there's a smooth surface. The reason? His alpha instincts are taking over.
Gosh, sports and business and sex, those are such man things that they make men be manly manly man man man men mans men MEN. (Not women.)

"Verbally boosting his ego can help build orgasmic intensity for you both."
"Oh, Frank, you're the best, you're the champ, you're the master." You know, I'm quite happy to compliment a guy when it's truthful, but I'm not going to deliberately stroke off his ego for the sake of orgasmic intensity. "OH GOD BABY THAT'S RIGHT I'M THE BEST URRRGH."

"Having novel experiences with your man releases dopamine, which triggers lust and desire,"
Actually, dopamine functions as both a hormone regulating the sympathetic nervous system (which actually suppresses erection) and a neurotransmitter performing a staggering array of functions which include the pleasure/reward system but also include functions related to the control of movement and attention among other things. Rat experiments bear out that dopamine may be linked to sexuality, but it's also linked to psychosis, and anyway what I'm really trying to say is it's just not simple like that.

Chances are, if your guy's been placating annoying relatives, wigging about finances or dealing with a demanding boss, stress is likely to make him crave low-maintenance sex (where all he has to do is unzip his fly, if that).
Okay, but why exactly am I supposed to go along with this? Don't get me wrong, I'm not an ungenerous lover, I've happily given guys low-effort dude-centric sex many a time, but it's not my goddamn duty.

Man, a woman following this advice would be a great girlfriend, huh, stereotypical dudes? She'll boost your ego, then fuck you with nary a thought for her own needs! Dude high five!

"Break away every now and then to drag your tongue along the crease between his pelvis and inner thigh, which will flood his lower body with increased sensation,"
But it tastes like funky. :(

"As you move forward and back in this position, his member will directly stimulate your clitoris with minimal effort on his part,"
Yes, we wouldn't want the poor dear to have to literally move a single finger. He's been through enough already, what with supporting the household and killing the mastodons.

God dammit, remember that 72-hour week I mentioned in the last entry? It's the goddamn twenty-first century, I've out-earned and out-houred almost every boyfriend I've had, and I don't just sit around on a chaise lounge all day waiting for the chance to reward him for his hard work with my body. (Nor do I say "I worked harder than you, so please sexually service me." I'm not trying to reverse the roles, I'm just saying it doesn't work like that.)

Sex is not a present women give men. Sex is not a reward for men who please women in other ways. Sex is a way for men and women to both get hot and squirmy and feel those deep pelvic contractions that drive us both so crazy. It's how we fuck each other.


  1. It amazes me that this rag still exists in today's environment. I guess there's still some older women who rely on it for "information."

  2. First time commentor, occasional reader. This is especially good Cosmockery, I must say! You've hit the nail right on the head (so to speak) about why this is all such a steaming pile of crap. Tell me, are there tips about the best way to polish his shoes with your tongue too?

  3. Hey...I stumbled onto this page and I thought if you hadn't seen this before, you'd find it funny.

    You're absolutely right, sex should be something for two (or more--I'm not here to judge :) ) people to enjoy together and not some system of favors or leverage.

  4. Well...I just read a little further on your blog and it seems someone else posted that link. I guess I'm always a day late and a dollar short. Alors, c'est la vie! I still think you're a helluva writer.