[For those who missed it: I haven't been not-writing, I've been writing elsewhere! Check out my post at Captain Awkward: Pretty Should Be Optional!]
So, I don't really know how to open this except to say: I made a sex menu!
Check it out here!
(if the font looks terrible, you probably need to zoom in farther.)
There's a reason, though, a reason going beyond "I liked writing all the funny captions."
It's because I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot. There's all kinds of things I like in bed (as you can see...), but when the conversation comes down to "so, what do you want to do tonight?", I have a terrible habit of answering "Um, sex?" Some horrible combination of shyness and choice-paralysis comes over me and I literally forget what kinks I have. It's like holding a pen and staring at a blank page--the endlessness of the possibilities can easily slip from exciting to overwhelming.
This has led to me tragically having unadorned missionary intercourse on far too many occasions.
So I made a menu. It's dorky--it might be reaching new theoretical limits of dorkiness--but it's also a really nice tool for communication. It lays out the things we know work for us and it gives us a starting point to think of things that aren't on the menu. It frees us from the daunting blank page.
I don't know if I can really end this post with "make one for yourself!", because your relationship probably has to work a very specific way for this to be awesome instead of hilariously awkward. But I will end it with... getting away from the blank page, however you do that, is a very very good thing for keeping sex pervy.
[EDIT: Some people report trouble getting Google Docs to open. Here's an alternate link to the same file on Dropbox.]