Sunday, March 14, 2010

Don't Fuck Me Gently.

Life lesson learned: gentle sex can leave me painfully sore. The problem is that roughness turns me on. Call me ruined for life by my perverted ways, but roughness is the only thing that turns me on. It doesn't have to be brutality, I don't have to be grabbed by the hair and thrown on the floor (although, God, I wouldn't mind that) but you gotta handle me like you know I'm not gonna break. I'm a chew toy, not an eggshell, yanno?

When a guy is ridiculously gentle, when he just sort of skims his hands over me with tremendous delicacy and reserve, I don't get turned on. I don't get wet and my vagina doesn't relax. My pussy is a wondrously changeable thing, and when I'm having a good time you can get the Edmonton Oilers in there; when I'm not having a good time a pencil is way too much.

So if you treat me like some sort of delicate tissue-paper woman, then try to penetrate me, it's going to hurt. In the bad way. It's a weird thing, pain from being overstretched never strikes me exactly as pain, but more as a strong unpleasant sensation, like tasting something too sour. With my vagina. It's not super fun.

I think there's some crypto-sexism in handling women like they're delicate china toys. Certainly not all women want it painfully rough, but when you're touching a woman super mega tentatively, I think you're failing on some level to think of her as a human being like yourself. Do you jerk off with dainty little butterfly tickles? I'm not some delicate creature, man. What a person can take, I can take.


  1. I think it's in part because if you have rough sex the first time with someone who doesn't like it, there probably won't be a second time. Or for that matter, often not even a completion of the first time. And a lot of people are bad at communicating their preferences. So, I would think there's a tendency to err on the side of caution.

  2. Not Me - I agree you shouldn't have ROUGH sex unasked, but FIRM sex would make a better default than "augh can I even touch you?"

    Also, in this incident, I only said "I like it firmer than that... a LOT firmer" like 40 times.

  3. >> Also, in this incident, I only said "I like it firmer than that... a LOT firmer" like 40 times.

    Oh, THAT is the not-fun thing! I like people who can take a hint, let alone a directly stated and repeated preference.


  4. I've always wondered about that. I mean, I'm not a small woman so maybe my perspective is a little skewed here, but are women in general really that fragile?

  5. Aebhel - I don't think so. I mean, I go through life and I get a lot worse than that, right? If I can do yardwork or play sports without crying out from the pain of physically contacting something, I can stand to be touched. I'd think that pretty much anyone capable of basic household chores would be in the same boat.

  6. But being touched by another is something very different from handling household or yard implements. If someone's been sexually or physically abused in the past, it can set off a panic reaction if not done very carefully. I don't know enough about what other people think to guess how often people take that into consideration, though. Possibly in your case maybe he was the one who was abused and couldn't bring himself to touch you very much.

    Another possibility that I just thought of is that some men are afraid of being labeled rapists if they push too hard and the woman doesn't like it, so they overcompensate for it. Even if it's not really on purpose.

    I've also heard that some women are overly gentle when handling male genitalia and a lot of men don't like that.

  7. Holly, what do you mean by "too tentative" and "too gentle"? Like, barely-even-caressing? Caressing-but-not-grabbing? Grabbing-but-not-hurting? I've never felt like a guy was being too tentative with me, but I don't know if it's that I prefer gentleness or if we've just had very different experiences.

    I will say this: I am, I guess, the only girl ever in the world who doesn't like a lot of nipple play. They're very sensitive and a lot of my partners have sucked or pinched hard enough to hurt me. It's not that they were being unduly rough, I don't think; it's just that my body is different than what they were used to.

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  9. I don't think it's sexist to start gentle and build, I'm a chick and that's what I like, what my girlfriend likes and what pretty much every girl I have ever slept with likes unless stated other wise. I don't think it's weird, especially for guys who don't have a female body to practice on to assume that's what most women like and be worried about not just hurting you, but it being painful and unpleasant. It's probably better for him to be erring on the side of caution with someone who likes it rough than getting rough with someone who doesn't.
    If gentle is the default, it is a lot safer for people who want more to ask it to be ramped up than the other way around.

  10. Yes, Other Anonymous, I totally agree.

    My bf once bashed me in the cervix at an awkward angle during sex and it felt like he'd impaled my spleen and I burst into tears and had to curl up in the foetal position for a while. Needless to say that was the end of sexytimes that night.

    Conversely, if he's not being vigorous enough, I'll just be all "come on, bitch, give it to me!" and problem solved.

  11. I've gotta say...I liked this post a whole lot more when I thought you were a woman. However, reading it again, some of your commentary on how it feels to have a pussy is sorta off ("tasting something too sour? with my vagina?" um, no).

    Ah well. I'll still stick around.

    PT Lover

  12. PT Lover - Look at the date...

    And wow, now being told that I don't know what it's like to have a pussy... wow.