Thursday, November 11, 2010

Things you learn with an entire hand inside your vagina.

(Your mileage will vary. I realize some people can just throw a fist right in and some people could never do it in their lives, and some people are in the middle but the experience is in some way totally different for them. So these are really just things I learn.)

Trust. Someone with their entire hand inside your vagina could hurt you, deliberately or accidentally. You have to trust, not just that they aren't evil, but that they will read and respond to your signals and that they'll put your pleasure and safety above everything else. This is a trust that goes beyond being sure they won't go "now I've got you, mwa ha ha", and into being sure they won't go "but I've almost got it, just let me try a little longer pleeeeeaase."

Planning. You can't spontaneously decide to start fisting, and next thing you know, his hand just happened to be in there. You have to lube and relax and gradually add one finger after another. You have to talk about it. You have to work at it. This is an entirely intentional sex act.

Relaxation. You have to be way relaxed. Like nearly-asleep relaxed. If you're amped up, positively or negatively, your vagina will know. You can contract it at will like you can contract any muscle, but relaxing it has to come from somewhere deeper. Your fingers and toes have to be relaxed. Every worry and stray thought can be a twitch in your vaginal muscles. The right state of relaxation is very nearly a trance.

Communication. This isn't something you can just consent to, go "okay, stick your hand in me" and lie back. This is something that will make you acutely aware that even the best partner isn't psychic. They can do their best to read your face and your muscles, but they can't feel your pleasure or pain or minor discomfort. For them to know, you have to give constant, active, clear verbal feedback. "I'm ready for one more finger." "That hurts a little, give me a second." "Go slow slow slow, but keep going."

Humility. Sometimes it just doesn't work. All your beautiful trust and communication is for naught, because your vagina just doesn't have that extra half centimeter in it today. You have to be able to say "that's okay, I had fun" instead of barging ahead into frustration or pain.

Anatomy. Having a hand in you makes you acutely aware of your pelvis. You can feel the structure of your own vagina with incredible detail and experience its strength and resilience like never before. Fisting outlines in stark detail how your vagina presses against your bladder in front and rectum in back, and exactly where your g-spot is, and your cervix. Even the bones of your pelvic girdle suddenly become a very real consideration. The things that you're vaguely familiar with from diagrams become physical sensations.

Open-mindedness. The experience is nothing like what you think. I wouldn't even necessarily class it as a BDSM activity--the top has to be extremely responsive and ultimately obedient to the bottom, and when all goes well there is no pain. Before I had experience with fisting--even though I'd had my fingers in vaginas--I always thought of it as working with the pain tolerance of a basically stretchy gooey organ. It's not. It's working with how far an organ of rock-hard, unforgiving muscle will let you go. It's not a domination of the vagina; it's a meditation on the vagina.

Awe. There's just nothing like that moment of "holy shit it's in holy shit." Nothing like it on Earth.


  1. Thank you for writing this.

  2. thank you for writing this under the tag vanilla!

  3. It's like cocksucking; it's as kinky as you make it. But the act itself is not inherently painful, rough, or dominating.

  4. A fist is generally substantially smaller than a baby, so there isn't any intrinsic reason to think of it as being something bizarrely large to have in there. I wonder if people tend to think of fisting as "extreme", because the assumption is that vaginas are designed more for dicks than for babies.

  5. Yeah, fisting is fucking amazing. (Well, from the "arm" end, I don't have a vagina, and I can't even imagine relaxing enough to go anal.)

    There's nothing in the world that even comes close.

    Heh, yeah, I keep half starting sentences and then erasing them. I'm nowhere near eloquent enough to describe what I'm trying to convey about the experience in words. Just, yeah, it's cool. Sorry for the fratboy sounding take on it, but words fail me.

  6. @ Comrade Physioprof ... I was thinking about babies and vaginas, too, though in a different way. I was wondering about the physics of a large object coming out versus a large object going in. Very differently shaped objects, of course, which is part of my wondering.

    Also, people associate birth with tearing and pain, and a lot of people don't realize that some women can birth even large babies over an intact perineum.

    Basically, even when you factor birth into it, too many people have no idea how amazing the vagina is.

  7. I've seen a couple of births, and I would definitely classify it as an extreme thing to do with one's body.

    Thanks for this, Holly! I have to go look up "pelvic girdle" now, because it always seems like my BONES are in the way of those knuckles... But again, (other) women have BABIES, so it must be possible somehow.


  8. This and a recent conversation have made me sort of cautiously desperate to try fisting. I'm still really scared, but holy hell it sounds amazing.

  9. I definitely dispute the need for planning - the one and only time I was fisted (and oh God I wish it would happen again) there was no planning and I didn't even realised we'd got to that point because I was enjoying myself so much.

    It was, however, as you say, very much a process of adding a finger at a time as it became possible and desirable.

  10. I have been fisted by a female, but have never been able to make it successfully happen with a male, no matter how long we tried, how much lube we used, and how much I relaxed and reallyreallyreally wanted his hand in there.

    This saddens me, because fisting is awesome.

    1. We just recently got my husbands hand inside me past his knuckles. Its amazing. He did this by using the "duck fingers" and opening his fingers a little at a time. It stretches the vaginal opening little by little. and it is the most awesome feeling in the world. He has big hands also. I'm waiting for his hand to go to his wrist next time.

  11. I always thought fisting was mostly something looser women liked, so they could fully feel something in there. But Holly, if you're capable of giving just one finger a good squeeze, I guess that's not can someone explain to me what the appeal of this act is? maybe it's more for women who are really into g-spot stimulation (which is nice, but never my focus)?

    From the other side, I have to say the frat boy in me loves the idea of getting my whole hand into my bf. It would be like the best party trick EVAR. And the big mushy girl in me loves the idea of being so physically close to him.

    But I can't understand why it would be fun to be on the receiving end. Sometimes I even wish my boyfriend's penis was smaller, ferfucksakes, and that's at least aerodynamic.

  12. ...That wasn't rhetorical, btw. I was actually asking for a description of what fisting (or all five fingers) feels like, from someone who likes it.

    Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

  13. why on earth is this labeled vanilla?

  14. Like an intense experience in which all the normal sensations are heightened to almost unbearability. For me at least it's actually uncomfortable the whole time, it's just any other stimulation is incredible and it never backs down again after a peak, and it's a huge peak. Things end when things go from a little uncomfortable but so good I don't care to the discomfort interfering.

    That, and gripping a strong male hand with something stronger than that hand is pretty cool too.

  15. Anon: discomfort-discomfort, or "I AM SERIOUSLY ABOUT TO PEE THE BED" discomfort? 'Cause one of those things I'm willing to deal with and one of them I'm not. :D

  16. Discomfort-discomfort.

  17. As much as I love getting my fingers crushed by a good strong vaginal grip, I've never had the oppurtunity to feel that kind of force on my wrist or arm, but I look forward to the day...

  18. Sprite - I don't think fisting is necessarily inherently kinky. While it can be done with kinky overtones, it can also be done just as plain ol' sex.