Monday, December 6, 2010

Cosmocking: January '11!

It's that time again! Purple cover! Ashley Greene with one of the most genuinely sexy outfits I've ever seen on a Cosmo cover, but her face is so airbrushed I can barely tell if she has a face! "The Ballsy Way She Scored Twilight," which briefly led me to believe she was a composer and to be impressed Cosmo was featuring women in nontraditional roles in the film industry, but of course it's just an expression and she's an actress! Also: "Look Leaner Naked (The 14-Day Workout)"! I do not think you can lose more than 2 or 3 pounds of fat in 14 days but it only says "look" leaner so perhaps there is elven glamour involved!

The Second I Knew I Wanted to Get Serious
"I was dealing with a family emergency and was feeling really edgy. I'd snap at her for no reason, but she just kept rubbing my shoulders and stroking my hand, helping me calm down. She was so understanding, I realized I wanted her to stick around for good."

What a lucky girl. I wish I had a guy who would allow me to placate him after his random explosions. We could go on special dates where he'd yell but then I'd manage to stop his yelling! So romantic.

What Your Ex's Next Girlfriend Reveals About You
Oh no Cosmo no Cosmo no. Do not legitimize this kind of thing. What your ex's next girlfriend reveals is that he's still a person who likes to be in dating relationships. And what she reveals about you is that you creepily obsess about other people and then tries to relate it all to yourself.

The table below says that every type of new girlfriend (all four of them) reveals that your guy wasn't good enough for you. If he's dating "The Girl Next Door" he's boring and if he's dating "The Wild Card" he's immature. There is no type of girl he can date that reveals that he's a decent guy who just isn't in a relationship with you anymore, which is understandably upsetting but doesn't invalidate the times you had or the people you are.

Sweep your boobs over the back of his neck.
Once he figures out what you did (this may take a few), he'll be positively baffled with the eroticism!

He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your ribs.
Cosmo isn't written for B-cups, is it? Or C-cups. Or most D-cups really.

Look at him as you run your chin from his chest to his crotch.
Oh yeah, baby, chin me. Chin me hard.

Put lube on your nipples, then trace circles on his bare back.
God damn it Cosmo, breasts just do not work like that. I mean, I could do this, but I don't think either of us would feel anything. It's a barely-noticeable backrub and rather harsh and imprecise stimulation for my breasts. I guess the general idea that "wow there are breasts and they're touching me" is supposed to drive the guy crazy, but I can think of so many better ways to do that.

Flutter your eyelashes against his boys for a sweet little tease.
I am now convinced that Cosmo is using a random number generator to make these things. "Okay, hit the 'body part' button twice. Eyelashes... and testicles. Sounds good, we'll roll with it."

Have him squeeze lube onto his penis, then swirl your body over his shaft to spread it.
I don't even know. I seriously don't even. I suppose if he has a flat and one-sided penis that's securely glued to his stomach, it's merely very awkward.

You already get that men and women don't process or present info the same way. But there's been new research investigating just how opposite our brains can be.
I want to take the raw data from this research, throw it all in a big pile, and divide the study subjects into two halves at total random. I bet with enough gold-mining and cherry-picking we could prove beyond statistical error that the resultant Star-Bellied and Plain-Bellied Sneetches were, like, total opposites.

Also, it's disingenuous to talk about "wiring" when you're dealing with study subjects who've spent the last 22 years (undergrads are a representative sample, right?) being taught to act like a boy or girl and being treated like one. I think I could take these methods and prove that people born in Mexico have brains naturally adapted to speak Spanish.

The whole article is made of things like this:
The corpus callosum, the area that connects the left and right sides of the brain and helps people recognize that there's a problem, is less active in men [...], which explains why they think everything's fine until we say otherwise.
Which isn't factually true, and even if it were true, would still not have shit-all to do with goofy "men are from Mars and like football" stereotypes.

This, by the way, is one of the things I refer to when I talk about feminism benefiting men. This article is raveningly sexist, but that doesn't mean it's pro-male, not when it's talking about how men are incapable of normal human communication because their brains are physically inferior.

Foreplay for women is everything that happens 24 hours before sex [...] For men, it's three minutes before insertion.
Shit, that time I spent two hours cleaning out the spider-infested backboard closet was foreplay? And that time Rowdy spent a good part of the evening rubbing against my body and whispering in my ear "you are so getting fucked when we get home" wasn't?

I suspect that Cosmo isn't actually advocating 24 hours of making out, with advancement to nipple stimulation by the 12 hour mark and hopeful vulva contact after 18, but just saying that women have to like you and have generally positive emotions about you before they fuck you. Which isn't exactly foreplay, and isn't exactly something men are exempt from. But putting it like that doesn't make the "women are impossible to please because we're all complicated and emotional and frigid and princessy" message nearly clear enough.

The Moment He's Most Likely to Cheat
Researchers found that a when a guy meets an attractive new woman[...]

Well, there's yer problem. The article goes on to sciencify everything by explaining that attractive women raise a guy's testosterone and this makes him like football more (or something), so you can stop your guy from cheating by raising his testosterone yourself by being more affectionate and sexual with him.

Which simplifies down to "it's good for your relationship to be affectionate and sexual," but that wouldn't be Science then.

When He Wants Vanilla Sex... and you don't.
No points for guessing that speaking honestly to him isn't the answer. No points for guessing that Cosmo's definition of "non-vanilla" is "sex that's, like, sexier," either.

For kinky action, wear something with zippers.
Guh. Wh. I... I... I. I. I uh. I don't... I don't. I uh. Uh.

Congratulations Cosmo, you have rendered me unable to speak.

Q: My man has known and hung out with my girlfriends for a while now, but recently he started becoming more buddy-buddy with my closest friend. They will text each other and G-chat all the time. I love that they're getting friendly, but I'm worried that they're getting along a little too well. Am I being silly, or are they crossing the line?
I know this letter is a fake because no one really uses G-chat.

Cosmo's answer is that they're probably not cheating because they're too open about it, but that you should still separate them because how dare people be friends in your presence. To separate them, it recommends you stop inviting the two of them to things together, and insult your boyfriend's masculinity ("G-chatting again? If you guys get any closer, you're going to have to start lending her tampons.") when you catch him chatting with her.

Apparently if someone isn't cheating on you, the best thing to do is help them realize how much better off they'd be if they did.

Q: I started talking to this dude at the bookstore, and we made plans to grab coffee. Then, a few minutes into our date, he mentioned his wife.[...]
A: [...] The problem here is that the guy is a dick. Married men are not supposed to make plans with strange women.

The hell they aren't! Married men are still human beings who are allowed to drink fucking coffee with whoever the hell they fucking want. I don't think anybody's marriage vows read "forsaking all others including fucking talking to them." I can understand that there might be hurt feelings when one person thinks something is a date and the other doesn't, but "married men must practice flawless Coffee Fidelity" is bugnuts.

There's an article on why you must have a baby between 25 and 35, and if you put it off you'll be sorry, and if you think you don't want kids at all you'll be super double sorry.

There's an article on a project that helps clear wrongfully convicted prisoners, which features glamor shots of the female interns for the project captioned "gorgeous and gutsy" and takes care to describe how they'd "easily fit in at a swanky cocktail party." Because that's what we care about--sure you do fascinating and difficult legal and social work, yeah yeah whateva, but are you fuckable?

If your boss makes sexual advances towards you, think about taking action. Whether it's the kind of action that happens in court or the kind that happens in a bedroom is up to you. It all depends on how far you'd like to climb up the ladder.
OH NO COSMO NO COSMO NO. NO NO NO NO NO. BAD COSMO. GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

47 comments:

  1. Haha! Your cosmockings are hilarious. A combination of Cosmo and your mockings of them have led me to realize how mature I am in comparison with actual adults when it comes to sex. A year ago, if I wanted to be spanked or called names or try something new, I'd just kind of subtly hint at it, hope he noticed, and get frustrated. Now I actually say things like 'hey I'd like it if you spanked me.' thanks holly and cosmo, for making me realize just how far I've come.

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  2. Guh. Cosmo is bugfuck. I can't even believe how insane this is.

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  3. If your boss makes sexual advances towards you, think about taking action. Whether it's the kind of action that happens in court or the kind that happens in a bedroom is up to you. It all depends on how far you'd like to climb up the ladder.

    OH NO COSMO NO COSMO NO. NO NO NO NO NO. BAD COSMO. GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE.


    I laughed. Out loud. :)

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  4. To be fair to Cosmo, "family emergency" is a reasonable circumstance to be snappish, and someone who can calm you down is helpful. I mean, there's a difference between "I'm totally stressed and projecting it on you" and "intermittent explosive disorder."

    Okay, who the hell has only three minutes of foreplay before sex? That's like, one kiss. Are all the Cosmoites having sex with their clothes on or something?

    I've encountered this weird "can't be friends with people in a relationship" thing before. When I mentioned my random-outbursts-of-Rent!-and-references-to-obscure-fantasy-novels friendship with a be-girlfriended guy, one of my friends asked if she knew about it. Um, I don't know, and I don't see how it's any of her business, because weirdly enough one can sing the Tango Maureen without wanting to jump each other's bones.

    Oddly, no one seems to be warning me away from their girlfriends. You would think it would be equally a problem...

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  5. Hey! I'm wearing jeans! With a zipper! That must explain the success of all those beatings I've negotiated with kinky friends. And here I thought it was because I talked to people I liked about what I wanted.

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  6. I don't think I own any outfits that don't include at least one zipper, unless we're counting sweatpants.

    (I'm lazy. When I want to be sexy, I generally just get naked.)

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  7. Wow that last one really kind has a, "You better not say a word about sexual harassment or you'll never make it, so just shut up and blow him" tone, doesn't it? Christ.

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  8. Wow. Halfway through I was laughing out loud, but by the end I wanted to stab the magazine with a letter opener.

    flightless

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  9. For real? No, really, for real? Wow, which century are we living in again? And, yes, I'm another one of those kinky zippered-jeans and windbreaker wearer. Who knew there were so many kinky people out just walking around!!

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  10. Ozymandias - Snapping at your partner because of a family emergency is unacceptable in my book. You certainly have every right to be grouchy and sad and withdrawn when things are bad in your life, but you don't get to use your lover as an emotional punching bag no matter how you feel.

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  11. Holly - I read your Cosmocking and instantly exclaimed "Why the hell did Cosmo hire Tetsuya Namura as a consultant"?

    Then I realized that the people here are probably nerdy enough to get that...

    Also, good Lord, Cosmo needs to get an injection of some sense. At this point, I honestly wonder if the people who run it are just that trope-aware and are unsubtly trolling everyone.

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  12. Holly-- I guess to me it depends on the scale of the family emergency-- "my dad just died" is slightly different from "my sister has minor surgery." And, yeah, it should be followed up fairly quickly with "I'm sorry I'm so snappish, (insert family emergency here) has me really stressed, thanks for calming me down, I didn't mean to take it out on you."

    I don't think it's necessarily a dumpable offense, though.

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  13. Aaron - Suddenly, inexplicably, my head is filled with the sound of Beyonce singing "if you liked it then you shoulda hung a lampshade on it."

    It doesn't scan.

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  14. You are brilliant. That is all. :)

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  15. Sweet crispy Jesus, I keep thinking Cosmo can't get any more ridiculous and sexist and balls-to-the-wall insane ... AND THEN IT FUCKING DOES.

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  16. i want to print out your cosmockings and stick them into the actual magazines lol

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  17. Oh, also, I was looking at the advice for the coffee-date guy. Okay, I kinda side with both of you on this one. Typically, an invite for coffee is unassuming, for the most part - a litmus test. However, the guy probably should have made that clear to begin with. That would have been much more polite, since the girl was obviously expecting something different. It doesn't make him a jerk (not a dick, since dicks are nice things); but it IS a little bit odd that he didn't make that clear from the start, since any reasonable (single) person would have expected a "date" out of it. I know I would.

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  18. Oh, man, I just love your Cosmockings, Holly! I've decided to start doing them on my blog as well. Incidentally, am I the only person who thinks the good people at Cosmo just pick things at random for their "Sexy, Skanky" feature? I mean, I've not yet read this month's, but in the December issue, one of them was "Sexy: taking his last name. Skanky: stealing his identity." What the fuck? Are the two even comparable?! Yes. Yes, ladies, you are sexy if you complete the main goal of your life and get married and take his name, dammit (wouldn't want to wound his masculinity or anything silly like that!)... and you're skanky if you... steal his identity? Is that even the right adjective for that particular action? I certainly think not. I feel like they try to emphasize the sexiness of their nonsexual-hard-pressed-to-be-construed-as-sexy
    "sexy" item just so it's like, "No shit this is skanky, Sherlock!" God, I hate Cosmo. I'm certainly happy they haven't corrupted my little fifteen-year-old mind with their ridiculous ideas about compulsory sexiness and their assbackwards "female empowerment" regime. Christ.

    Cheers!

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  19. the last one....oh. my. god. no fucking way.

    new reader here. i like what i've been reading so far :)

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  20. The testicle-eyelash thing is just making me think of HERPES IN THE EYE.

    Also, my winter coat has like 6 zippers. My snowboots have two. My zip-up hoody has one and my jeans have one. I thought I was just getting dressed to face blizzard conditions to get to class, but clearly I was preparing for an uber-kinky orgy.

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  21. 1) For some reason, putting my eyelashes on a guy's balls (or on any genitalia, really) is one of the unsexiest things I can think of for some reason. I will be recalling this image next time I need to quickly calm myself down.

    2) Speaking of calming down, yeah, I'll give my partner a pass for snapping at me if s/he's super-stressed, as long as it's an occasional thing. It doesn't really bother me. But I don't know if Cosmo really deserves the benefit of the doubt on this issue.

    3) Ha! I use GTalk! Almost exclusively to talk to my closest friend from university and...dum dum dum...his girlfriend! Strangely, though, I am not using it to SEDUCE HER. I am using it to talk to her because--as might be expected--since I like my friend, I also like his girlfriend who is similar to him in many ways.

    --Andy

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  22. ***"married men must practice flawless Coffee Fidelity" is bugnuts***

    There is nothing I don't like about this sentence. You get a gold star my dear :)

    Also - I guess I should wear clothing with zippers to the next play party. I'm sure my jeans and jacket would really inspire kink. And my big clunky ugg-boots have zippers too! I bet it would go over way better than my pretty red bra and short skirt :b

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  23. This is funny to me, because I use GChat all the time. Mostly to talk to my boyfriend, sometimes to my parents, who have established a shared GMail account & start conversations with me without telling me which one of them it is... wonder what Cosmo would say about that?

    I'd have to agree with Ozymandias that snapping at your partner isn't an outrageous relationship red flag. It's not the same as "yelling" or "explosions," & a "family emergency" (although vague) is a circumstance in which being irritable and snappy is forgivable. If there are frequent incidents in a relationship of "I couldn't help snapping at you, I was stressed out!" then someone really is treating their partner like an emotional punching bag.

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  24. Oh also, was that bit about climbing up the corporate ladder from the Chelsea Handler "humor" column? It seems to depart from the thin veneer of responsible advice-giving that prevails elsewhere in the magazine.

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  25. I have to agree with general sentiment on snappiness -- it doesn't bother me if my partner snaps at me occasionally due to emotional bleed-over from other problems, admits it wasn't appropriate, and apologizes. I think it is totally understandable once in awhile (although to be clear I don't really do that myself.) I find that WAY easier to deal with than "grouchy and sad and withdrawn". I will _gladly_ take a partner who snaps at me and apologizes, over a partner who doesn't want to talk, and doesn't want to talk about why. (Can you tell I've had one of the latter?)

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  26. Last night we read this together, Wonderboy and I, and tried those fantastic erotic foreplay options. It was really tons of giggles and... could work as a great icebreaker for couples trying to get to know each other. Especially lubing my nipples and smudging them all over his back felt... like a wrestling match. Thanks for the laughs!

    Ps. Still waiting to try the eyelashes on his balls thing. It was too hardcore for him last night, but maybe I'll get lucky today!

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  27. I love these!

    I for real think they do just use a word generator, or dice, or something. Eyelashes on balls? That's either going to tickle and result in flailing from the man (mine certainly would) or an, "Uh.. whatcha doin' down there?" because I doubt they would really feel anything pleasurable (if anything at all) that could trump out mouth/hands/toy etc.

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  28. Eyelashes on balls sounds like something a twelve-year-old virginal slasher would write while attempting to be 'romantic.'

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  29. @ZombieCheeze:
    "...any reasonable (single) person would have expected a "date" out of it."

    Perhaps, but he *was* married, in this scenario, so it seems reasonable to me that he thought coffee was just coffee (and continuing their conversation about books). Having been out of the dating pool for so long that it honestly doesn't occur to you that single people treat every little interaction as a possible Date doesn't really make you a jerk.

    flightless

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  30. He can insert his penis where the underside of your boob meets your ribs.
    Cosmo isn't written for B-cups, is it? Or C-cups. Or most D-cups really.

    I suppose I could, with my C-cup girlfriend, but I'm not sure why I'd want to. There are other, more fun places to insert it.

    I want to take the raw data from this research, throw it all in a big pile, and divide the study subjects into two halves at total random. I bet with enough gold-mining and cherry-picking we could prove beyond statistical error that the resultant Star-Bellied and Plain-Bellied Sneetches were, like, total opposites.
    I've long held that any randomly chosen pair of humans will be about as different from one another as any other random pair. In fact, a random pair of humans of the same sex will be more different, because there's one less difference to start with. But when one person is a man and the other is a woman we (Cosmo, anyway) attribute the difference to that rather than ordinary human variety.

    Married men are still human beings who are allowed to drink fucking coffee with whoever the hell they fucking want. I don't think anybody's marriage vows read "forsaking all others including fucking talking to them." I can understand that there might be hurt feelings when one person thinks something is a date and the other doesn't, but "married men must practice flawless Coffee Fidelity" is bugnuts.
    He is kind of a dick, he should have been clear that he's married and faithful. Or married and looking to cheat, as the case may be; she can be the other woman if she wants but she's entitled to know that up front.

    I mean, I see flightless's point but it's clear to me there would have been some substantial misommunication happening if this were a real letter.

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  31. Hrithfrith - I think coffee can be a purely friendly thing, a "you seem cool and I'd like to get to know you" with no subtext of "...with my dick." Maybe it needs clarification that this is the case, but I don't think that any meeting of two people of each other's preferred genders needs to be automatically seen as a date unless clarified otherwise.

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  32. For kinky action, wear something with zippers.

    Oh cool! That's so you can suddenly and brutally zip each other up, catching delicate little pinches of skin in the jagged metal teeth...right?

    Right?




    Oh. :(

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  33. I actually have the vanilla guy problem. I am hugely turned on and fascinated by certain kinky things, but my partner is SO against most of them... I could probably get him to slap my butt a bit, because he loves my ass. But otherwise... if I suggest he read a bit about it, anything like that, he's completely against it. Domination and pleasurable distress are, in his eyes, either degrading to me or difficult (doesn't want to hurt me).

    I've talked about some feminism 101 with him quite a bit, and he's an intelligent man, but it makes me quite sad that he's so far away from my fantasies. I respect his feelings and if it just doesn't do anything and is uncomfortable for him... what can I do? I'm working on "softening him up" a bit, talking about it, looking for avenues to explore this bit of my sexuality (BDSM-experienced third party enjoyed by both of us?). I'd just like it to be, you know. NOW.

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  34. Now that it's been pointed out I can see how coffee can have Platonic overtones, but I missed it before. I plead ASD, or at least Internet ASD.

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  35. Anon - My guess is, the kinkiest thing you can get him to do is let someone else beat you up. You can teach someone that BDSM isn't degrading, but if they just don't have the mystery magic wiring that makes it erotic for them, they're not going to be able to do it well themselves. You didn't say how monogamous you are, but my advice is that if there's any way to get yourself dominated by someone who naturally wants to, that's your best bet, because you can make a BDSM-accepting person but you just can't make a Dom.

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  36. First of all, does anyone at Cosmo know how fucking uncomfortable it is to have sex with a guy through the hole in his unzipped pants? Nothing sexy (not to mention kinky) about that. Secondly how do we send the message we want "vanilla sex"? Wear velcro?

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  37. I was part of a "coffee"-like miscommunication episode once. I was at a folk dance without my wife, wearing my wedding ring, and a woman I'd chatted with told me some of her friends were going to a bar for drinks afterwards and asked if I wanted to come along. A person more secure about their sexual attractiveness would not have regarded this as most likely platonic. But I said I'd love to, thinking go, have a drink, continue talking to her and meet her friends. But in case she had something else in mind I told her "but first, you should know that I'm married."

    Judging by her reaction she couldn't figure out whether I was in an open relationship that she wanted no part of or was just being really up-front about cheating; and also it seemed she was really curious but not brave enough to ask.

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  38. @ jillianfish Yoga wear, possibly? Assuming that anything with zippers is, somehow, kinky, that's about all that's left that could fit the Cosmo thou-shalt-be-sexy meme.

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  39. I do not think you can lose more than 2 or 3 pounds of fat in 14 days...

    For what it's worth, I lost seven pounds in my first week going paleo, and kept that pace up until the holiday season dragged me back into the neolithic (but I still haven't put the old weight back on).

    I couldn't prove that was all fat, but it was definitely dramatic, rapid weight loss.

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  40. I love your cosmocking.

    This one got into my brain, because I saw this and my first though was ohhh kinky.

    http://tomandlorenzo2.blogspot.com/2010/12/burlesque-tokyo-premiere.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TLoPageTwo-FashionTelevisionPopCulture+%28T+Lo+Page+Two+-+Fashion%2C+Television%2C+Pop+Culture+-+Long%29&utm_content=Google+Reader

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  41. Comment agian, with HTML fixed

    I love your cosmocking.

    This one got into my brain, because I saw
    this and my first though was ohhh kinky.

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  42. First I was "XD", then I was "..." then I was "D8".

    Adequate description of this issue.

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  43. I posted as Anon previously.
    Holly - Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too. I honestly don't want to push something on him that makes him uncomfortable and just isn't erotic in his mind at all. I just think that some of his hangups are influenced by his upbringing and whatnot. I'm pretty sure he could enjoy many of the things I have in mind - and anyway, I'm not dreaming of anything too dramatic!

    We are currently monogamous, though when I brought up that I'd really like us to have sex with another girl, he wasn't exactly opposed, heh :) If I found the right person, it could work out quite well for me and on his end as well, I suspect. Thanks for replying!

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  44. Unfortunate, Svutlana no have big flexible breasts, so try for flutter eyelashes against testicles. Maybe it be Svutlana eyelashes or poor technique, but flutter no be extreme well receive. It no be poor receive either, like time Svutlana pop five Altoid and proceed for give blowjob that at first tickle then burn profuse. In Svutlana opinion, best approach for testicles be for blow on or have hair dry machine handy for blow air on LOW while press snowflake so no burn.
    Oh, Ms Holly! What can we do about bad bad Cosmo and its true perverse world view? For sure it be lot of work for you, but maybe you can set up mirror site call Cosmock.com.

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  45. Apparently if someone isn't cheating on you, the best thing to do is help them realize how much better off they'd be if they did.
    Genius.

    Have you read Filament? Best antidote to Cosmo ever.

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  46. Moxy - a lot of people get their kink on nonsexually. That might be a little bit easier to negotiate, but I suspect he'd still have a hard time thinking about you getting (in his eyes) degraded.

    Even kinky poly people sometimes have problems with that, when their partners have needs met that they find incomprehensible or upsetting.

    If you do go the outside-partner route, I recommend finding an understated-domly type (male or female) instead of the black leather and stompy domly type. Your boyfriend might be more threatened by the overt stompy dominance, and he might even be reassured by a quiet confident or even nerdly dominance. The kind of dom who clearly exhibits respect for you as a person, a woman, and a sub, while also being forthright in their interest in beating your fine ass.

    Or not. I don't know your guy.

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  47. It's like Cosmo is written by Ingrid Newkirk

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