Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Cosmocking: 7 Signs He Has Human Physiology!

I was writer's blocked this morning! I was blocked all bad. I wrote like half of "I want to have sex in the snow," then realized that snow is cold, then like half of a thing about how victims of violence sometimes really are kinda fuckups but that still shouldn't change our attitude toward violence, but I couldn't get my arguments real super lucid, and then I ate some pierogi and fell asleep.

Thank God I'm on Cosmo's mailing list.

7 Signs He Wants to Have Sex (Besides the Obvious One!)
I'm hoping "the obvious one" is him saying "I want to have sex with you." Because that's the one and only obvious one! Boners can come up for all kinds of reasons, and mean anything from "it's morning" to "I'm physically attracted to you, but don't want to go through with sex" to "you touched my crotch so I got hard, but I didn't really want to," to "I gotta pee so bad."

But if you thought that an erection itself is open to interpretation unless you openly communicate about it, boy, you ain't seen nothing yet.

He gets an "eye erection."
His pupils dilate, making the black part of the eye go from small to larger, something that happens when arousal spikes.

Jeez, men always get so horny when you turn the lights down.

Also, picture an "eye erection" literally, and you might not sleep tonight.

He hooks his thumbs in his belt loops.
It's an attempt to highlight the crotchal region and get you thinking about his junk.

I hook my thumbs in my belt loops! Usually the thought is "I don't have anywhere to put my hands, but shoving them in my pockets looks awkward. Holding my belt loops will occupy my hands in a far cooler and more laid-back-looking way." I was not aware that I was sending a sexual invitation to anyone who happened to be looking.

He touches his nose a lot.
Unless he has a cold, this could be a sign since the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine recently reported that the nerves in a guy's nose and his erectile tissue are linked.

Okay, especially in the winter, patently ridiculous. But now I'm just wondering: how do you apply this knowledge? Maybe this is just supposed to give you a little extra confidence when you make a move in the conventional fashion. But I can't help thinking:
"Hey! Why did you grab my crotch!"
"Oh hush, I know you want me. You touched your nose and everything."

He speaks more deeply than usual.
A 2010 study found that people lower the pitch of their voice when they're turned on.

I'll actually give Cosmo this one. The baritone flirt is kinda a thing. Although it's amusing that they seem to be steadily compiling signs that a man with a cold is just the horniest ever.

He cups or rubs your shoulder.
This is often a subconscious simulation of grabbing some tata.

Uh. While I agree that the shoulder rub is often a horny and/or affectionate thing, I really really hoped that the thinking was more "this is a non-threatening part of her body" and less "it's sort of like a bony angular BOOB!"

He goes in for a hug and rests his hands low on your back.
It may not feel sexual, but if he lingers just above your ass, he could be craving, well, ass.

Random anecdote: when I was in middle school, I had my first slow dance. I didn't know what to do and I was tremendously anxious, because boys never asked me to dance and at this point it was basically the closest thing I had to sex. The music got all drifty and lovey-dovey, he put his hands around my waist, and I put my hands... around his waist. Seemed like the thing to do.

In retrospect that's probably a totally reasonable variation, but in middle school it's as socially acceptable as picking your nose with the salad fork during the fish course. I was quickly informed of this and didn't slow dance again until... well, actually, ever.

Anyway, I think lower back hugs are sexy, not because men think entirely in weird puns, but because to get the angles right to do that to a relatively shorter woman, you have to press your bodies way together, which is a slightly less subtle hint.

He bites his lower lip and shakes his head.
Dudes who do this when they're talking to you may be feeling frisky.

Well, yeah, but that's the universal gesture for "dayum, girl." It's weird to mix this into a list of autonomic or ambiguous things like "his pupils are dilated."

In conclusion, there is no way to know if someone is attracted to you without one of you taking some sort of actual risk. You may even have to communicate. My deepest condolences.


  1. I had an eye exam yesterday. Boy, did I look horny.

  2. Oh gee, thank you. I got hit with a major case of insomnia last night and only got about three hours of sleep? And yeah, tonight's just gonna be all eye-erection-thoughts all the time :(

  3. Sex outdoors in the winter works if you do it standing up!

    Well, sometimes, if you can line stuff up okay.

  4. Hah! I totally did the dancing thing too....Only I was 16 and a sophomore in high school. Go me!

    Also, I was browsing the Cosmo site the other day (they sometimes have good ideas....sometimes) and one article popped out at me as one of the funniest fearmongering posts Cosmo has done.


    Jesus another thing to be worrying about? Unless I grow my hair for several decades, then stuff it all under my clothing as a sort of primitive insulation system, my hair is not going to make me look fat.

  5. Cosmo ... You make my head numb.


  6. I would love to have a button with 'not interested in romance' printed on it or something. I hate that anything I do can be interpreted as me being attracted to people.

    He's making eye contact with you? A sign that he's attracted!
    He's avoiding eye contact with you? He's attracted to you, but shy!
    He's talking to you? He must really be attracted to you!
    He smiled and said 'hi' to you? A sure sign that he's attracted to you!
    He walked past you and said 'hey'? He's playing hard to get, trying to pique your interest!

    Apparently I'm supposed to not acknowledge people and only grunt when they speak to me. Anything else is giving some kind of 'signal'.

    I'm actually really fucking tired of not being able to talk to any of the women at work without them jumping to conclusions about my romantic intentions.

  7. Eye... erection...


  8. Thank you, Cosmo, for making today's Cosmocking possible.

    Why aren't you supposed to put your hands around a guy's waist in middle school?

  9. Mousie-- Women are supposed to slowdance with, iirc, their hands on the guy's shoulders. No, I don't know why. It is just a thing.

  10. Is that why people get so embarrassed when I check their pupils in the ambulance? I always ask first.

  11. Laura said...

    This was wonderful. Actually, RE: your (very true) comments about erections... given that this was Cosmo, I was already groaning because I assumed the "obvious one!" was, you know, he's a he. Because, according to Cosmo, all men want sex all the time. Clearly. I'm not sure whether that's better or worse than "obviously, if he has an erection..."

  12. When I picture an "eye erection," I think of the cartoon wolf who gets excited and his eyes bug out (complete with wolf whistle SFX). Leave it to Cosmo to reduce me (or make me reduce others--after reading that, I'm not even sure what I think anymore) to animated stereotypes.

    Seriously, if you can see a person's pupils dilating, you're either standing too close (unless you're already having sex with them)or they need medical attention.

  13. You know this back hugging thing is kinda making me feel awkwardly forward when I just grab their ass during a hug. I didn't realize that it was super forward and confident of me to dive in there like that. Huh, maybe that's why it works...

  14. I agree with Brock Fin. Thought of a cartoon wolf. And then I actually thought about having sex with somebody's eye erection...

    Possibly a fetish area Cosmo is the first to mainstream?

  15. His pupils dilate, making the black part of the eye go from small to larger, something that happens when arousal spikes.

    On the other hand, this may also mean he's a replicant, so be careful.

  16. Non verbal communications can form a huge part of the meaning communicated during a conversation, so is very important to establishing meaning. However, interpretation thereof is very imprecise. Perhaps Cosmo would have been better off giving some context to the interpretation of non-verbal clues. Also the article should have mentioned the importance of checking interpretations before acting on them or making assumptions.

  17. I'm a bass. I guess that means I'm always flirting?

  18. "He bites his lower lip and shakes his head.
    Dudes who do this when they're talking to you may be feeling frisky.
    Well, yeah, but that's the universal gesture for "dayum, girl." It's weird to mix this into a list of autonomic or ambiguous things like "his pupils are dilated.""

    So like I'll be sitting at my computer typing things. I'll bite my lip and shake my head a little when the code doesn't compile. Or maybe I just watched someone do something stupid in League of Legends.

    Know what I want most in those moments? Not compiling code, and certainly not better teammates: I WANT TO FUCK MY COMPUTER.

    That serial port...

  19. From Cosmo, I now understand that the eyes, nose, ears, feet, hands, back,and spinal cord are directly linked to the penis. Those neurotransmiters...
    Cosmo! Please take 9th grade biology! You will not regret it!

  20. I know a fellow who has mentioned that sometimes the lack of sufficient oxygen (such as with a cold, or allergies) will be a slight turn-on. But I have insider information that this might be a general kink reaction, despite not doing actual breathplay beyond "holding breath when close." ;)

  21. I know I'm super late to comment on this, but it amazes me that no one has commented on the funniest part...
    "...attempt to highlight the crotchal region..."
    I was in hysterics. Oh Cosmo. You and your "crotchal region" -it's like an 8th grader trying to sound scientific. "Also, girls have boobulous chests."