Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Welcome to the seamy underbelly. Can I get you a Coke?

I'm continually impressed by how the filthy seedy underground contains some of the sweetest, friendliest, most open people I've met in a long time. You can hang around and chat and make friends, get up and get beaten and fucked in front of everyone, come back and resume chatting.

Which is what I did tonight. I hung out on the couches, met an adorable boyish blond top, we talked casually for like a half hour then went in a quiet back room to negotiate ("can I pee on you?" "no, no, I'm saving myself!"), came back out and he put me in handcuffs and leg irons, beat the shit out of me, and fucked me but good. I went from whimpering in pain from a huge heavy paddle on my ass, to moaning in ecstasy as he held my legs up over his shoulders and fucking slammed me, to a meek little "thank you, that was nice." Then we cleaned up, got dressed again, and went to hang out and shoot the shit on the couches again.

On the way back home I listened to country radio, and all the songs about eternal faithful love for the first person you ever kissed made me a little sad. Not directly sad; I had a damn good time, I don't think I'll start emotionally pining for Blond Boy but nor am I numb--just cheerfully pleased with what I got and wanting nothing more. But meta-sad. Sad that I wasn't sad, if you know what I mean. I'm starting to realize that ("at least at this point in my life" is what I tell myself) the entire traditional romance model isn't going to work for me. Some doors are opening and quite a few are closing. A lot of awfully nice men don't want to date the girl who's sucked thirty-seven dicks.

At twenty-two it doesn't matter much. I figure I've got at least eight years to be as much of a slut as I like; just use condoms, get tested, don't go anywhere private with anyone creepy, and I can party my little butt off. But I really want to have a kid someday, and I don't want to be a single mother. Does that stick me with traditional marriage? Would a man expect sexual fidelity in exchange for acting as a domestic partner and father?

I suppose there are some who wouldn't, especially in the kinky/poly community. It's certainly a more limited selection but not a dismal one. And things can certainly be worked out with men who don't publicly identify as poly. And this "kinky slut" shtick may be a phase; my sexuality and lifestyle may be different when I'm of mommy age. Or I may just make the sacrifice of traditional marriage and learn to accept it.

Nonetheless I worry sometimes.


  1. All you'll need at 30 is a guy who'll get off on the stories of your younger exploits. I get off on my wife's younger tales all the time. Geez, I wish she had more partners back in the day, more fun for me. She's seen about 10 dicks and slept with 6 guys before me. It's sort of the safe version of swinging or hotwifing. If you can tell a good and sexy tale of past adventures while playing with a guy's junk? You should be good.

    I also don't think you can easily gauge who might have that trait. You'll just have to either explicitly look for it (why not?) or rely on luck. I would guess that it's not too rare but I don't know.

    I don't think screening for jealousy is a good metric either. I can be jealous at times of this or that situation but tales from her past? Love it.

  2. Guess I didnt address the part about having to abandon your lifestyle. I think there are plenty of married swingers in this world and even some who are just into the wife going out. If you got to a place where you realized you didnt want to abandon the lifestyle I'm sure you could find many candidates in the (apparently) straight world willing to meet you half-way.

  3. None of us is for everyone. True, some of us are more niche products than others, but being rejected for being kinky is about the same as being rejected for owning a gun or attending public school. You're simply getting rid of the people who won't appreciate you.

    If my propensity for immurement in sesquipedalianism discourages anti-intellectuals from dating me, so much the better. You don't want to date (let alone marry) someone who's going to judge you for being horny or hitty.

  4. " Does that stick me with traditional marriage? Would a man expect sexual fidelity in exchange for acting as a domestic partner and father?

    I suppose there are some who wouldn't, especially in the kinky/poly community."

    One would hope that, in the poly community (kinky or not), there would be very few men hypocritical enough to expect sexual fidelity. (If I were more idealistic, I'd say, "none; contradiction in terms," but regrettably there are a few assholes, of whatever gender, around.)

    Bruno pretty much nails it - your sexual proclivities are no more of a universal deal-breaker than the fact that you like country radio well enough to listen to it all the way home; either one simply says something about what sort of man you'd fit with. The man who thinks kinky-slut you isn't a suitable wife, isn't (for you) a suitable husband.

    Bruno: I think you should have a blog of your own, so you can engage in erudite multisyllabic discourse and I can leave comments to tell you how sexy it is when you do. ;-)


  5. I'm thirty, married, engaged to my master, and trying to have a kid with my legal spouse.

    That which exists is possible. ;)

  6. I've found it, but it did take a long period of negotiations. We were together for five years/ married for two before I got him to agree to an open marriage. He's now fully on board but it did take time. You will need to decide, when it comes to that point, whether to only seriously consider partners who already are open to what you want or if you'd risk being with someone who might eventually be convinced- but might not. It wasn't an important enough part of my identity to make me give up someone I loved, so I was willing to be monogamous for him. (Luckily it didn't end up being permanent but that couldn't be counted on.) Hopefully you won't need to make that kind of choice.

  7. >>
    Would a man expect sexual fidelity in exchange for acting as a domestic partner and father?

    Honestly? Most would. And it's not just them. If you intend to have kids, they become the most important thing. All the stuff you planned goes out the window. I'm sure there are people who can raise kids in a "poly" house, but I teach school for a living and I haven't seen it done well yet.

    On the other hand, there may be parents who are discreet enough about it that the small-town grapevine doesn't know that they swing (or whatever you call it) so I never question why their kids are so well-adjusted. But parents who are known to have an open marriage raise, in my experience, confused kids who lash out constantly.

  8. Anonymous - You know, I like it when guys tell me hot 'n heavy stories about having sex with other people, so it stands to reason there's a guy like that out there who feels the same.

    Bruno - My worry isn't about being judged for being hitty (although apparently it does happen, sigh), but about whether I can contain my propensity to do other dudes. "Being horny" is a rather forgivable flaw; "being horny for this dude Steve and also this dude Bill and also this dude Cliff and also..." is um, rather more niche.

    Sunflower - Sadly, I think that in the real world, sleeping with other dudes is rather a bigger dealbreaker than Toby Keith. (Although the way some of my friends react to the fine work of Mr. Keith... sheesh.)

    D-H - Lucky. :)

    Sarah - I really don't know. Maybe I can be faithful to a guy if he bangs me all the time? I just have to remember not to accept any rings until I do know.

    D.G. - I think your problem there is not with people who have open marriages, but with people who have so little discretion that their freakin' schoolteacher knows about their sex life. That's kind of a separate problem.

  9. Yes, I am lucky.

    I'd also note that one of the poly families I know, at least three of the adults in the family have showed up for parent-teacher conferences. You know, like normal people do.

    Of course, they aren't idiots, and the impression I got from D.G.'s post is that he is unacquainted with nonmonogamous people who aren't idiots.

    (Last poly social I went to, the topic of conversation revolved around 'What the now-graduated-from-college son of one of the regulars is up to'. No idiots there either. Just nerds.)