Thursday, February 19, 2009

How to have terrible sex.

The key component is some measure of psychological reluctance or indifference. We'd previously agreed that we'd fuck on Saturday, but now it's Saturday and both of us are feeling a whole lot more "well, I said I would" than horny. I feel like I ought to, not like I want to. Or I feel like I ought not, and rather than gleeful naughtiness I've fallen into crushing guilt. Or I feel like I'm not attracted to him, but he's better than nothing.

Lack of body confidence definitely helps tremendously. Nothing guarantees terrible sex quite like the thought "I'm not what he wants, but he's settling for me." Turn out the lights, make little apologetic comments about your gut or your acne, go through contortions to hide the problem areas. Ask him if he finds your horrible flaws even slightly attractive and don't take "yes" for an answer.

There's two ways you can go with the foreplay. You can go way too short, and try to start when everything's still dry and limp, or way too long in the face of failure. The second method is definitely more effective in creating an atmosphere of real desperation and inadequacy--repeat the same one or two uncreative strokes over and over for hours, hoping to win over the genitalia by sheer persistence. Whatever you do, don't change it up, and for God's sake don't relax or take a break.

If you've followed these steps psychologically, physical failure is close to a given. Apologize profusely for this. Perhaps turn away from the other person and attempt to self-stimulate in front of them, but make sure to see this as a humiliating last-ditch rather than an erotic action and you're sure to fail at this too.

Should you achieve penetration, you can at least fail at orgasm. Fuck for a while--silent and monotonous are your key themes here--and give up.

Do not, however, give up on your partner. Refuse to let them even try for your orgasm, but put them through a declining series of sex toy, give up on sex toy, mouth, give up on mouth, hands, exhausted listless hands. If you're dogged enough you might get them to fake one just to make you stop.

Sleep far away from each other.


  1. Sounds horrible. I guess if you lack a partner, you could achieve more or less the same results by trying to masturbate with latex gloves on while watching a video of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson explaining at length how 9/11 was really the fault of the gays, feminists, abortionists and the ACLU.

  2. . . . but that's all hypothetical, right?

  3. Sleep far away from each other

    well, we did that part last night... it's not fun...

    and that.. that just sounds incredibly horrible. I truly hope that is in fact hypothetical as Bruno said.

  4. It's worse than non-hypothetical... it's a composite.

  5. Cheer up, Holly. Here:

  6. Sometimes, you just gotta snuggle.

  7. William FTW!

    Actually stopped a girlfriend from giving me roadhead one night. I had pulled her close, and she started to reach down to get at things. I asked her "Can't we just cuddle?".

    She was, to say the least, floored.

  8. One other way is to get started, let things go a little too far without a condom, then stop everything to put one on.

    It works even better if you stop in one position, start again from another, and about the time things are going well again, stop cold and try to switch back to the first position.

    I am a master.

  9. DG - I kinda like the stoppy-starty myself. I agree that the condom thing is horrible, especially the feeling of doggedly trying to condom a rapidly deflating penis.

  10. It's one of those things. I was OK with condoms for a long time. I never did anything pregnancy-inducing without one until I'd been married for years already; we only stopped because we decided to have a baby. It took almost two years before the little guy came along, and when we finally went back to sex I hadn't used a condom in a long time . . . now it's been almost two years since he was born, and you'd think we'd both be used to them again by now, but nope.