Friday, March 6, 2009


Being with Cute Coworker is making me insane with stifled lust, but I don't want to ask for a reassignment or even ask him to tone it down because it's also making me love my job. Rrrrrgh.

He likes me back. He's gotta. I think. I'm doing a very high-schoolish covert analysis of behavior patterns here.

-Has outright said that he likes me as a coworker. So that's nice for starters.

-Constantly, constantly talking about sex. Is this "hey, it's more interesting than talking about bacterial cultures" talking about sex, or is it sexy talking about sex? I can't tell. But the boy--and he's not the expansively lecherous type, if anything he's a little shy and it took weeks for him to stop prefixing every dirty joke with with "don't sue me for sexual harassment, ha ha, but..."--just manages to turn every conversation back to penises and vaginas.

-Touches me more than is strictly necessary. Not sexy touches, just hands and wrists, very safe, but still, way more than any other coworkers do.

-Has made it quite clear that he's single, straight, and open to kinky premarital sex. No "with you" appended of course, but I notice that I didn't have to pry to find these things out.

-Has more than once remarked of female celebrities "I don't like her, she's too skinny," which in my experience is sometimes an offhand remark and sometimes a "now you, you've got curves" mating call.

-Wouldn't go around being so goddamn attractive if he didn't mean something by it, by God.

Rrrrgh. I'm so shy with people I actually like. I'll jump on strangers, but when I get all invested and I have something to lose, I freeze like a bunny. And I can't tell if he's also freezing like a bunny (he's definitely the type who would) or if he's actually just uninterested and happens to have a potty mouth.

The problem is that right now I'm 50% happy with the idea that I might get to fuck him. If I made an unambiguous advance, the waveform would collapse and I'd be either 100% or 0% happy. I just can't bring myself to risk that zero.


  1. You have to like a girl who can use quantum mechanics to describe her agonizing fear of making the first move.

  2. Alan - I'm not afraid of making the first move. I'm afraid of making the only move.

  3. To me, it sounds like you're looking for someone to tell you to go for it. I'm not going to go that far, but I recommend dropping hints, like "I wish I had something interesting to do this weekend" or something. As for inter-office awkwardness once a relationship starts, the trick is to not act like anything is awkward. If you act awkward, things will be awkward. Just my experience, YMMV.

  4. Bah, I so rarely get to do much of anything with other people that I don't have time for crap like that. For me, 50% later isn't really any better than 0% now, because there usually is no "later". So I'm just going to ask or not ask, and not take it personally if anyone says "no".

  5. M. Derosier - Hints is probably how it's gotta go. Although we are possibly going to watch porn together sometime soon... am I doing "subtle" wrong? It was sort of his idea, sort of.

    Anonymous - Well, that's my attitude toward strangers. But because I see this guy every day, there has to be a later, and seeing his face will kinda rub my nose in that 0% if things go south. I won't be able to help taking it personally, I'm overinvested already.

  6. Well, I may have implied subtlety, but I know that I needed a bit more bluntness before I realized my now-fiance wanted me to ask her out. I just think that life's too short to waste time on timidness, especially when the rewards for boldness are so good.

  7. >-Wouldn't go around being so goddamn attractive if he didn't mean something by it, by God.<

    "If animals don't want to be eaten, why do they taste so good?"

    Seriously, the subtle "Gawds, but this is gonna be a boring weekend" is probably your absolute best bet. Gives him an opening he can either grab, or ignore...

    As for awkwardness afeter the fact: you're professional, and so's he (I'm making an assumption here)... ;)

  8. On a part of what you said, it has reminded me how many times the best part of a date/relationship was the anticipation... those days and weeks of buildup and tension when you thought the other was attracted too, when every day was another possible step closer, and when you both had that smile at the slightest bit of returned affection. Now if there was just a way to make sure that lasted on and on...

    Good luck with it, looking forward to the results.

  9. Sounds like he's young and shy, maybe a bit submissive. He needs you to take charge but won't dare say anything to you.

    Ask him out for drinks, then ask him or make a move on him. All he can do is say no, either to the offer of drinks or to the invitation to fuck. Make it purely casual and it shouldn't interfere with the work relationship.

  10. Let's assume he's interested: Do you want a guy who's this passive?

  11. Sean - You have a good point there. In a way, having a crush is far more exciting than having an actual relationship.

    Bruno - Um, yes. Yes I do. I'm not sure if I'd want him for white-picket-fence purposes, but since my current intentions are more nailing-his-sweet-ass oriented, I don't care if he's a bit of a weenie. 'Sides, I'm not being any better.

  12. good luck. i have always refused to date anyone i worked with, and there are a couple of people i refused for that reason that i have sometimes regretted...

    good luck

  13. I just found this blog, but I really hoped you nailed his sweet ass. I mean, how can you watch porn together and not end up boinking like bunnies, in the parlance of our time?

    FYI, I've never known any man to watch porn with a woman for more than 5 minutes and not be thinking "man, I wish she'd come over her and unzip my fly." Just sayin'