Wednesday, March 11, 2009

"The Paramedics."

Hooray, my gay ambulance porn is here! Y'know, I've never really watched much gay porn before this. There's something sweetly egalitarian about it; the actors, the director, and the presumed audience are all gay men and so there's a sense of "hey, we're all on equal footing here" that you'd be hard-pressed to find in straight or girl-girl porn. You can still have domination and submission in the sex, but it comes off a lot more playful and respectful when top and bottom are both fundamentally coming from the same place.

(In fact, this movie seems to be set in an alternate universe where every man, even if he's not involved in the nudity or sex, is gay. It's almost a utopian fantasy...)

Also, maybe it's just this movie, but the actors seem a lot more genuinely attracted to each other than most straight-porn couples. They're even kissing and cuddling and stuff!

Some of the actors claim to be "straight." They are not convincing. I'm okay with that, though; better than girl-girl porn where the claim to be enjoying themselves is the dubious part.

(Hee, one of the "straight" guy's girlfriends just showed up and she's a drag queen. I appreciate this kind of honesty.)

An ambulance is an awfully uncomfortable place for sex. That might make it sexier though. (It's also not somewhere I'd want to expose my nice clean naked body, but let's not think about that. Nothing kills a buzz like getting MRSA on your ass.)

Some of the non-fucking acting in this movie actually isn't terrible. I'm impressed.

What is terrible: during plot segments, the screen freezes, and titles come up explaining exactly what's going on. Then the movie unfreezes and the actors tell you exactly what's going on. It's like this:

A uniformed MAN walks into frame.
TITLE: This is Kevin, the senior paramedic with the hots for Jason.
MAN: Hi, I'm Kevin and I'm the senior paramedic. I'm so horny for Jason!

Since the plot is hardly complex or crucial to begin with, I'm not sure why it needs to be beaten in with a sledgehammer.

The paramedics are horrible at their job. I understand that's not really the point of the movie, but geez, the poor bastards don't even know how to lower the stretcher. (Also, real paramedics generally wear undershirts. :p )

Man, blowjobs are boring. I mean, they're not boring to give, and I understand that time just flies when you're receiving one, but I hate watching them. Up, down, up, down, slobber slobber, I get it. Fast forward. I can empathize enjoyably with the buttsex, but not the blowjobs. Dunno why.


He doesn't look very comfy though.

Is it some sort of rule that gay porn actors must have retarded tattoos? I guess porn actors in general have bad tattoos, but this movie is a goddamn cornucopia of scrawly pot leaves and lopsided Celtic knots and incoherent swirly things.

Man, these guys are good-looking. Straight porn actors are never this cute. Even the guy who stuck his dick in his butt was freakin' gorgeous.

Whoa, they just stuck two dicks in one guy's butt! It makes for a very visually confusing picture. All you can see is testicles. It looks kind of difficult, and kind of wrong, but... really really fucking hot.

The ambulance pretty much goes away after the first scene. By halfway through the paramedic theme gets kind of forgotten too. This is disappointing; I was hoping it would be sort of a uniform or medical fetish thing but it's really just generic. Feh.

But damn, those are some sweaty sexy naked men. Damn.



    BRUNO smiles, amused by the blog post on his computer screen.

    | BRUNO
    | I'm so amused by this post!

  2. "Some of the actors claim to be "straight." They are not convincing."

    That's one of my favorite gay porn things. I love it when some big, muscular dude with a REALLY distinct lisp talks about nervous he is because he's "never been with a guy before." I'm sure! It's endearing.

  3. In his own BUTT??? Seriously? I think I need to check out this video... I've never even HEARD of such a thing, and I've heard an awful lot!

  4. Anonymous - Here, I've found you a (THE MOST NWS THING IN THE WORLD) visual aid!

  5. Examination of that visual aid netted me an educational session on the mechanics of erection from Stingray.

  6. That comment was so quintessentially LabRat... :D

  7. Wow. Thanks, Holly. I think there's a whole new genre I need to explore!