Saturday, May 2, 2009

Cosmocking: June '09!

A white cover, very classy! And I like the dress and hairstyle on... um... the cover-person! "Leighton Meester"? Is that a real name? "Meester Leighton" would be a good Bond villain, sort of.

There's a weird paradox in every issue of Cosmo: they constantly say that men have huge sex drives and aren't picky, then lay out thousands of things things you must do exactly right in order to get and please a man. Apparently dudes will fuck anything that moves... unless it's wearing last season's eyeshadow, gawd.

"Approaching girls in bars terrifies us. It sort of feels like a no-win situation. Like, we know we're already paddling upstream because she assumes, 'Oh, he thinks I'm cute. I win.' And where does that leave us?"
Shit, dude, do you really think women go to meat markets to hear that they're cute and go home? I guess this explains the paradox I was wondering about: women have narcissism complexes in the spot where our libidos should be.

Some experts claim that you can actually transform the entire sexual experience into one long, continuous orgasm.
Uh huh. I'm guessing this involves some creative interpretation of what constitutes an "orgasm."

Your partner touches and tantalizes you until you're at the brink of climax but without letting you tip over the edge. The Bodanskys call this hyperaroused state an orgasm--just not the kind we're used to.
I fucking knew it! Hey, I know how you can have an eighty-year orgasm. It's just not the kind you're used to.

Women often find they're approached by guys more often when they're in a relationship than when single? Why? People who are in love have high levels of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with a good mood and sociability-qualities that attract men.
MEN CAN SMELL DOPAMINE. Well, either that or desperation.

Cosmofied Pickup Lines: We took some of the raunchiest, corniest things guys say while hitting on women and translated them into sassy lines to use on dudes.
"That's a nice dress. I'd love to see what it looks like crumpled on my floor." -> "That's a nice jacket. If you're lucky I'll let you offer it to me so I don't get cold."
"Do you have a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can see myself in your pants." -> "Do you have a crystal ball in your pocket? 'Cause I can see you spending a fortune on me."

Dang, Cosmo. Dang. (The second one doesn't even make sense.) These are "sassy" all right! Ooh, ooh, I can play along!

"If I ran the alphabet I'd put U and I together." -> "I don't even want to see your filthy little dick until you've paid me in cash."

[On approaching a group of men.] If they think you're trying to snag their alpha, they'll ignore or even harass you. So chat up guys on the periphery, since their reaction influences the alpha's opinion of you. Laugh at jokes, smile, and orient your body toward whoever is speaking. It may take a bit, but you'll work your way toward the man in the middle.
Then present your estrus-inflamed rump to him, spray urine around the vicinity, and allow him to best another male in antler combat before mating.

Smoking and heavy drinking have the same effect on a guy's mojo as a Rosie O'Donnell striptease.
"Haha, no one wants to fuck a fat lady" is crude enough, but when you're ragging on a fat gay lady for not being arousing to men... man, what makes you think Rosie would want to strip for you anyway, buddy?

You can glean a lot [of information about a man's fertility] from the volume, clarity, and taste of a man's semen.
"You taste like babies! HUNDREDS OF BABIES!"

How to Get Michelle Obama's Arms
Oh boy, are big arms in now? This is actually exciting for me, my arms are (NWS)huge. Eat your heart out Ms. Obama, if you've got B-cup arms I'm packing double-Ds!

...Oh wow, Cosmo's recommending 20 reps with 5 to 8 pound weights for bicep curls. I know they don't know me and they don't want me to hurt myself or anything, but geez, as an owner of true Big Beautiful Arms I lift just about, oh, five times that.

Pets are now being treated for OCD. Dogs who chase their tails and cats who groom nonstop can be given anti-anxiety meds.
I don't know about the cats, but a dog that runs repetitively in circles needs anti-seizure meds.

Rosé is the perfect drink for a Cosmo girl--it's cool and trendy, just like you. Don't stress over what bottle to buy. "Pick something that is light pink. The less pigment it has, the more refreshing it will be," says sommelier Lyle Kula.
Gosh, I feel like such a total wine expert now, ohmigawd! I wonder why wineries even bother making wines that aren't like super light pink, ohmigawd!

Stressful interactions trigger the fight-or-flight area of a man's brain. In women, they activate an area responsible for nurturing.
Shit, if that's true, why do I feel like fighting or fleeing right now?

I think I'm gonna flee.


  1. Heh. Estrus.

    Your bigarms.jpg is 403'd.

  2. Either you didn't fix it or it's broken again. I think the internets hates you.

  3. Electricfunk - Okay, switched hosts, rrrgh, how about now?

  4. Works now. I still haven't seen anything wrong with any parts you've shown... ;)

  5. Pic "has been moved or deleted". Yup, teh intarwebz hates you. Or maybe me.
    I can't see even the most desperately horny dyke getting aroused by Rosie O'Dogface. I mean, Reavers would run from that woman.

  6. Tennessee Budd - Cripes, fixed again. For real this time?

    And c'mon, she's married, obviously someone liked her.

  7. 20 reps of eight pound bicep curls... will have about as much effect on your arms as rubbing them with warthog oil.

  8. MEN CAN SMELL DOPAMINE. Well, either that or desperation.I think they just meant that if you're in a relationship, you tend to be happier and therefore more attractive to others.

    And that is a sexy photo you posted!

  9. I think the idea is to get definition without building any useful amount of muscle. Because muscles are not ladylike and god knows that if you look like you could lift something heavier than a pencil by yourself, men will be intimidated away.

  10. Nice arms. Nice tits, too, while I'm at it.
    R.O'D must've found someone who isn't disgusted by the waves of moonbatism rolling off her.

  11. What's with the Rosie O'Donnel hatred!? What has she ever done to you or anyone you know? Is this another fat chick hatred thing?! Or is this a gay fat chick thing? The only thing worse than a fat chick, is one that doesn't want cock, because then your scorn couldn't possibly hurt her?

    And Eurobrosa thinks WOMEN are picky! Hrmph.

  12. Maja - Some of the Rosie O'Donnell hate is political-she got kicked off "The View" for ranting and raving too much, which is an impressive achievement. And she's said things like "if you own a gun you should go to prison"--presumably sent there by people with guns, but, uh, they'd be special super-trustworthy people, or something.

    But I don't think there's anything exceptionally horrible about her physically, and the two issues are separate.

  13. Aebhel- yeah, I figure that's the idea, it just still won't work. You have to actually use your muscles in a way that makes them work in order to get definition.

  14. So what kinds of weight exercises do you typically do, Holly, and how much do you lift? You do have great arms!

  15. Greenearth - To be honest it's 90% work acquired--I lift half of a 90-pound cot with a 100-300 pound person on it to chest height. I mess around with dumbbells and Nautilus machines, but the big arms didn't get big until I got good at my job.

  16. "You taste like babies! HUNDREDS OF BABIES!"
    this is beautiful, and i'm going to say that to my boyfriend later tonite :) thanx!

    also... can i be jealous of your arms? i'm not even *allowed* to pick up 20lbs with my right arm, and i think that is also my limit, period, because of other medical issues. i want strong arms, damnit! do you think if i did more reps with less weight, it would even out?

  17. "Uh huh. I'm guessing this involves some creative interpretation of what constitutes an "orgasm.""

    And/or sexual experience

    "Rosé is the perfect drink for a Cosmo girl--it's cool and trendy, just like you. Don't stress over what bottle to buy. "Pick something that is light pink. The less pigment it has, the more refreshing it will be," says sommelier Lyle Kula."

    Trendy people are like hipsters, aren't they? And hipsters are a form of snob. You can't get snobby about white wines, and blushes are even lower on the totem pole.

    Want a wine that's easily palatable and will ACTUALLY make you look sophisticated? Ports are sweet as fucking concord grape juice and have the look and sound of a wine that might get judged in an international competition.

    Or you could just drink whatever you think tastes good and not worry about how you "look." Which is why when *I'm* offered a glass of port, blush, or most whites I'm going to politely decline.