Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Spot the Cosmo!

November Cosmo is out, and this month I'm Cosmocking a little differently. Each of the following segments will have two fake quotes that I wrote to be deliberately ridiculous, and one quote from the real Cosmo. Your challenge: spot the real one!

On Body Language
A. Watch your guy's lips when he's sleeping. Even dudes who don't talk in their sleep may mouthe words that give you a hint about his true feelings.

B. Even if your guy hasn't dropped those three little words yet, his fingers might have. When a man feels a strong connection, he'll subconsciously create the "love" sign-language gesture while doing random things.

C. The way to your guy's heart is through his... feet? Believe it or not, watching the way his feet point during romantic moments can tell you whether he's being honest with you. A liar reflexively turns his feet inward; a man who's confident and relaxed turns them outward.

On Self-Improvement
A. Sleep on the opposite side of the bed than you're used to. You'll have a fresh perspective as soon as you wake up.

B. If you can't commit to a pet, get yourself the props. Just having a dog dish and collar around the house can provide a powerful pick-me-up.

C. If you've never been much of a reader, try the YA section of the bookstore. The books there are easy-to-read and have gripping stories--if you get busted, just say it's for your niece.

On Anatomy
A. Okay, so you know how to kiss. But what you probably don't know is that there's an undercover pleasure transmitter, the buccal nerve, surrounding the edges of the mouth.

B. Move aside G-spot; the newest hot zone is the L-spot! To find your L-spots, stroke the little creases between your outer and inner labia; there's a little strip on each side that's packed with supercharged nerve endings.

C. Another superhot place to touch your guy: right at the spot where his boys join his body. Form a ring with your thumb and forefinger around the top of his sack and squeeze gently. He'll think he's died and gone to heaven.

On Relationships
A. Research shows that men who take charge in the real world are most likely to give it up in bed. So if your guy's been complaining about stress at work lately, he's most likely to enjoy it if you tell him to call you "Ma'am" and break out the fuzzy handcuffs.

B. Presenting your man with a long list of honey-dos will only remind him of his mom. Go down your list and for each chore, ask yourself if you could do it instead. Then only pass along the ones that he absolutely has to take care of.

C. Listening to your guy go on about how hot starlets like Jessica Biel are is beyond annoying. Resist the urge to poke out his eyes with your stiletto, and say "I don't want to hear how sexy you think other women are--unless you want my analysis of which male celebs have the best abs."

Wow, that was a ridiculous amount of work. I have a newfound respect for Cosmo editors--making up bullshit out of thin air isn't easy!


  1. nope, can't choose - they're all as ridiculous as each other.

    Love your work!

  2. A, A, B, A.

    I mean, the relationships one's gotta b A, the other to sound far too reasonable.

  3. Er, "... gotta be A, the other two ..."

  4. CACA. And how appropriate is that?

  5. P.S. Glad to see you're giving the Cosmo editors a little respect now you know how hard their job is! ;-)

  6. This is... really depressingly difficult.

  7. I'm a little disturbed. I think you may have been reading too much Cosmo... all of those things sounded equally plausible.

  8. A, B, A, C.

    "Relationships" is especially hard to guess.

    I'll make a bonus guess that your entries will out-cosmo cosmo, and will be picked less often than the actual cosmo quotes.

  9. I can eliminate a few because I don't think Cosmo uses the word "dudes" or talks about your guy calling you "ma'am". Other than that, I'm stumped.

  10. Cosmo says "dudes."

    Answers will be posted Wednesday morning.

  11. My guess is BACB, but a couple of those were just plain impossible. ;)

  12. I have a crazy theory: All C's.

  13. This is why I suck at multiple choice. My first choice for each of them is C, but I tell myself that that can't be right so I spend several agonizing minutes trying to figure it out.

    So, C.C.C.C.

    Or C.C.B.B.

  14. B. C. C. C.

    My disclaimer is that my only exposures to cosmo are the cover at the check-out line, the "sex tips" read aloud for laughs in high school (once), and... your Cosmocking.

  15. A, A, C, B.

    My roommate has stacks of Cosmo on the coffee table. I look for amusement and WTF value.

  16. My guesses: C, A, A, B.

    Body language: C. Cutesy intro plus unverifiable "finding" that nobody actually researches equals Cosmofodder. A seems too stereotypical (and "mouthe" isn't a word), and B doesn't let the reader easily jump to conclusions no matter what "her guy" does.

    Self-Improvement: A. B just sounds sad (though having a dog dish and collar could be a pick-me-up, if you're into that). I think Cosmo wouldn't use the abbreviation "YA" for people who aren't readers (and of course Cosmo readers are readers; it's a smart, serious mag!)

    Anatomy: A. C sounds too much of a satire of their bad sex tips. It's plausible that Cosmo would come up with a list of alphabetical "spots," but A is too tame to make up.

    Relationships: I have a regrettable suspicion it's B. (I suspect Cosmo would use Megan Fox and not Jessica Biel as hot girl du jour in C, and I think they'd use "Mistress" rather than "Ma'am" in A.)

  17. C, A, C, C

    What's the "love sign gesture" anyhow? Feet sounds stupider than lips, so I'm going with that.

    I was tempted to go with all Cs, but I can't imagine Cosmo recommending that you buy a book. And the pet idea is just too ridiculous.

    Both "buccal nerve" and "L-spot" sound made-up.

    All of the relationship ones seem about equally ridiculous to me.

  18. Congratulations, you have achieved a BS degree via Cosmosis!

  19. c, a, c, c. This was difficult :D

  20. Body Language:
    C. This reads like something a Cosmo writer/editor read about in a different context, misunderstood, then assumed could be applied universally.
    I actually wanted to go with A because I figured "dudes" was a tell, but Holly knows that too, so clearly I cannot choose the glass in front of me.

    C is possible, but it's actually very sensible advice. Therefore, I 'm going to go with A. It makes me a little nervous because it's a hoary old chestnut I've heard in other places, but no guts, no glory.

    B. Cosmo advising women that the secret to ultimate pleasure is to touch their vaginas makes a lot of sense to me.

    This is almost impossible. A is conventional wisdom I've seen elsewhere, about women as well. But plausibility is not necessarily my friend here. B is creepy and weird. C is completely obvious and pointless, plus it uses pretend-hip language no woman I know would use aloud--"celebs?"
    I'm going to have to go with C.

    So, I guess, CABC.

  21. 1) A. B and C are too absurd.

    2) AUGH! Ok this one is tough.

    I'm going to go with C, but for a couple of reasons. I've heard A in other places, and B is just retarded. C sounds like something I would expect Cosmo to say (since they talk about how easy the books are), but I like you too much to assume you'd imply that YA books aren't worth reading when you get older. "When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up."

    And "No book is really worth reading at the age of ten which is not equally – and often far more – worth reading at the age of fifty and beyond."

    Both by CS Lewis.

    So for the love of god YES! YES! PERUSE THE YOUNG ADULT SECTION! Most of it's drivel (Twilight and Eragon) but amongst them you can often find gems. Take a gander at K.A. Applegate's The Animorphs, easily one of the most compelling series I've ever read in my life.

    TL/DR: B is too retarded for Cosmo and I don't want to even assume you would even be ok implying what C implies.

    3) I'm going to go with C because that sounds like the bad advice that Cosmo would give.

  22. 4) Oh wow. I want to say you faked them all.

    A is actually very true in my experience. Most men I know who are sub are actually very dominant generally speaking. Personally I like subbing because it's a wonderful change of pace: I'm expected to be in control and in charge all day every day... the chance to say "no thanks I'm going to be someone else's and not have to make any decisions and not be in charge of anything for an evening" is wonderful. Sure, there's no universal, but it also strikes me as too kinky for Cosmo.

    B is likely the correct choice but a big part of me wants to believe that Cosmo would never say something like this. Though to be honest, Honey-do lists strike me as more annoying in the situation I intend to live in. "Honey, the faucet's leaking." "Ok repeat after me: James is not a plumber. James is a neurologist. Neurologists fix brains. Plumbers fix sinks. James pays plumbers to fix sinks. All you accomplished by waiting for the weekend to complain about our sink is we'll have to wait for monday for the plumber had come out. This is why we have the family fund account... so you can hire the necessary professionals to fix things that are broken."

    C just... I can't imagine Cosmo mentioning poking someone's eye out with a stilletto.