Sunday, February 7, 2010

Cosmocking: March '10!

Sorta pinkish-reddish cover! It's a weird in-betweeny color, my best description is "tomato"! Carrie Underwood! Totally skeezy partially-undone-zipper dress! Best headline: "How to Touch a Naked Man!" Yep: on the penis! Worst headline: "Curb Your Cravings Without Feeding Your Face!" Because eating is for ugly pigs who don't deserve a man!

I wrote a while ago about how the words "men and woman" are confusing because they refer both to gender and to a whole set of arbitrary expectations. This dual-definition problem also applies to "fat." It describes the condition of having adipose tissue that significantly alters your appearance, and it's a synonym for "ugly." I can't count the number of times I've heard a woman who was quite low-adipose called "fat" by someone who just wanted to insult her. Which is suck city for women who happen to really have some adipose, but more interestingly, it tells thin women that they're on a knife edge, that they're forever just one cheeseburger away from becoming ugly and unloveable. So the message of "stop eating, fatty," already obnoxious, becomes "stop eating, everybody," because just the threat of becoming a fatty is terrifying.

I noticed this when I read the section inside titled Cosmo Life: Healthy Sexy Strong and realized that every single tip in the section was about cutting calories. No strength or cardio exercises, no health screenings, not even advice on eating a balanced diet--just eat less. And it occurred to me: what if you're not overweight? What if you're 5'6" and 130 pounds, your current diet keeps your weight stable, and you're reading all about how health and sexiness means cutting calories every chance you get? That seems like it could mess with your head.

(Then we can have articles about the secret shame of anorexia, what a messed up crazy disease, look at this crazy woman, shame shame shame.)

Turns out, your mojo powers are good for getting you more than just a free vodka tonic. When you flirt with everyone in your life, you boost their egos--thereby upping your chances of getting your way. [...]1. Frequently gush over your neighbor's gorgeous flower boxes or garden and she'll be more willing to water your plants while you're away on vacation. 2. Next time you need advice, tell your girls, "You guys will know exactly how I should deal with this.."
That's not flirting. That's sucking up. And going around the world sucking up to everyone puts you in a tremendously submissive place, where you're begging instead of asking and getting tossed cookies instead of making agreements. Plus it robs you of the chance to have honest relationships; what if you actually do like your neighbor's garden? How do you talk about gardening with her without getting the pervasive suck-up dynamic entangled in it? That kind of weirdness isn't worth just giving her a few bucks to water the tomatoes.

Why he's so turned on by ...hot twin sisters
There's no such thing as too much of a good thing. Plus, the though of them making out is totally twisted... and, therefore, smokin'.

It's not "totally twisted," it's incest. I know all you see is two hot bitches, but I see my goddamn sister.

...Librarians
They're supposed to be buttoned-up and uptight. So if he could turn one into a wild sex goddess, that would pretty much make him a sex god.

I'm just reposting this to make Breda's life even harder. Did you know she always wears hornrimmed glasses and white stockings and her hair in a bun? Trufax. :p

Also, the very best sex is had with a woman who wasn't horny at all, but you changed her mind. Women who come pre-horny are no fun at all, there's no game to win, dammit.

When a guy dates an intelligent woman, he thinks about all the things he has done wrong and whether or not he deserves her.
Okay, apparently the author does, at least.

Can we stop talking about "deserving" a woman, too? This is a relationship, it isn't a prize. You didn't win the Lady Award For High Status And General Goodedness. You interact with a person in a way she enjoys enough to interact with you in ways you enjoy.

Bad boys can be reformed. They act that way for a certain reason. If you get to the bottom of that, you can usually understand them.
Bad boys can reform themselves if and when they decide to. It's not something their girlfriends can--or should--do. The only thing worse than having a "fixer-upper" partner is having a partner who thinks you just need a few tweaks and repairs.

Okay. Page 120 is weird. It's like super weird. It's pictures of male celebrities who cheated on their wives, photoshopped onto pictures of otherwise-naked male models wearing diapers. With weird props like David Letterman is balancing a coffee mug on his arm (?) and John Edwards is holding a hairdryer backwards (???). And the caption is:

These cheating bastards are guilty of such infantile behavior, we devised a punishment worthy of the crime: dressing them like the man-babies they are.

It's baffling, vaguely fetishistic, and I can't help thinking, kinda slut-shaming. I know cheating on your partner really is the bad kind of sluttiness, but the way these men are being pseudo-humiliated (and nakedly) for their sexual actions just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It's absolutely not right to cheat, but diapers? Really? WTF.

Toys for the Boys ...A Shoelace
Wrap it around the middle of his shaft once, so you have two long ends. Then while giving oral attention to his tip, pull on the strings, flossing it up and down. It provides a bit of friction that feels great.

AUGH OW OW OW OW AUGH. I don't even have a penis and oh my god ow. Like, maybe if you had the smoothest silkiest shoelace in the world and you absolutely soaked it in lube? But I think even then it would be horrible. No one's penis needs to be "flossed."

...A Fine-Tooth Comb
Apply a little bit of pressure and gently slide the comb's teeth along his shaft, pulling it toward his body so you're not pushing. The light scratching gets blood circulating throughout his member.

Oh, honey, that's just blood circulation, that's why it's turning red. Oh look, you're circulating so much blood that a little came out!

...A Cotton Ball
The slight tickle of this little fluff will make him yearn for a firmer touch. Take a few minutes to tease him by running it up the length of his penis and around his testicles before finally giving in to a more take-charge grasp.

Okay, this one's not terrifying, but the mental image of a woman delicately sort of powdering her partner's penis with a cotton ball is just fascinating.

For example, if he's so devoted to his job that you feel like you two barely talk some nights, resist the urge to gripe. Instead, think about how much you respect his passion and ambition.
For example, if your emotional needs aren't being met, resist the urge to seek a solution or even admit there's a problem. Instead, think about how awesome and special he is.

It may be that he really wants or needs to work those hours, and it may be that you're okay with this, but you don't have to be, and if it makes you unhappy the answer is not to think happier thoughts.

"The Sneaky Way I Solved Our Sex Issue."
There's a time and place for being direct, yet with some bedroom glitches, creativity can help you avoid a lot of awkwardness. These chicks show you how.

Yay, it's time for Cosmo's Reprehensible Article of the Month! *Balloons fall* This one is all about how expressing your sexual needs or saying "no" in bed are totally awkward and gauche! Is it anti-woman because it tells women not to say anything when sex makes them uncomfortable, or is it anti-man because it tells women to manipulate men into meeting their sexual desires? Trick question! It's both!

Oh, some of it is relatively innocuous stuff like "my husband didn't kiss me hard enough, so I started kissing him harder and he caught on." Nothing wrong with that, I'm not quite enough of a Humorless Feminist to take you to task for not sitting him down for a long serious Kissing Intensity Talk. But some of it is not so innocuous.

"I dated a guy who would rub my clitoris like he was scouring the bathroom sink. Rather than tell him that he was being way too rough, I told him that it would really turn me on if he watched me masturbate. He loved it, but more important, he was able to see what kind of touch got me off."
So he was hurting you, and your response to being hurt was to put on a sexy little show for him. I know, totally Humorless way to put it, I'm sure he was great in other ways, but damn. Men don't need to have everything wrapped in titties and niceness to understand it, and "you're hurting my genitals" is one of those messages that women shouldn't be obligated to deliver by Bikinigram.

Q: A few months ago, I caught my husband looking at porn on our computer. It bothered me, but I decided to deal with it by watching what he'd been watching and then mimicking it in bed. Last week, however, I discovered that he's still looking at that kind of porn! Why, when I'm doing (almost) everything that those women do, does he still need to do that?
A: Because he doesn't "need" it, he likes it. Getting it in bed doesn't make him like it less, if anything it absolutely cements the interest! Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that--it's hard to tell, when the writer is rather vague about the specifics of what (almost) everything the porn ladies did that she does, but having a specialty sexual interest isn't automatically a problem.

Shut up an annoying coworker
How to do it: Continue to look at what you're doing as she's talking, and do a gesture known as the handgun steeple (you interlace all your fingers, except for your pointers, which form the barrel of the "gun.") Rest the barrel against your lips, signaling that you don't want to speak. If she doesn't get it, aim it at her as you say something neutral, such as "I've got so much work to do."

Haha holy shit. The only thing funnier than someone responding to a coworker with the gestures for "here is the church, here is the steeple... ssshhh... kablam!" is the idea of someone doing that and thinking they're being subtle. Okay, the idea of the subsequent talk with HR is kind of amusing too.

Women and Shoes: A Love Story
I'm not reading this article. I know, I'm the Cosmocking chick, this is my self-imposed blog-job, reading Cosmo is my thing, but I'm just not reading this fucking article.

God. I sorta peeked at the article and it has all this shit about how shoes stimulate dopamine and shoes are erotic for the ladies. Christ almighty. They're clothing. I need ankle support and I don't want to step on broken glass or a syringe or something, and since I have to wear them they might as well look decent, I'm not overwhelmed by the erotic dopaminey femaleness of SHOES SHOES SHOOOOES.

There's an article on having sex with your boss, with three stories from women who fucked their bosses and in all three cases loved it and think it was a totally positive relationship. Which is certainly the case sometimes, but they make this whole sexual-harassment-laws thing sound like such a goshdarn inconvenience, like the world just can't accept the true beauty of sleeping with the same person who controls your livelihood.

Lean on the counter at the dry-cleaners so the cashier can see your statement necklace slip into your cleavage.
...What? ...WHY? ...Ew!

Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he's a "sexy tech genius, like you."
I'm just copying this one because I cannot picture it without a ridiculous Boris and Natasha accent. "You are ze seeexy tech geneeus, da?"

Take a sip of your mocha latte, stare into the eyes of the barista who made it, and moan "Oh, yeah... that is soooo good." Next time, watch your drink appear before everyone else's.
Or you could just tip, or even make some pleasant conversation with the barista if they're not rushed, and then you'd get good service and you wouldn't come off as a complete creep.

These last three are part of the rather large category of Cosmo advice that might work if you're an absolute bombshell sexpot, but if the object of your inappropriateness doesn't already think you're an eleven out of ten, this behavior is just going to be gross. Maybe if the barista's already staring at you he'll be turned on if start moaning at him (although, um, weird , still), but if you're just some random customer, congratulations, you just became Weird Moan Lady, and the the next time you come in the baristas will play rock-paper-scissors under the counter to determine who has to take one for the team and serve you.

Sexy by Saturday: Got big plans for the steamiest night of the week? If you wait until the last minute, you could end up with bikini-line bumps, uneven brows, and dull skin. Instead, do a task or two a day and you'll walk out the door looking gorge.
So there's a whole article about how making yourself presentable for the eyes of humans requires six days of preparation. Holy shit. And all to meet a guy who showered, shaved, and if you're really lucky even changed his shirt. This is the kind of shit that could turn me into Twisty Faster.

He asks how you like your coffee - He's hoping you'll stick around longer in the a.m.
"So, baby... How do you like your coffee in the morning?"
"Unfertilized."

You're hanging with a friend and her man, and while she's in the bathroom, he gives you a kinda-friendly, kinda-touchy shove. You:
A) Pull your girl aside afterward to tell her that her boyfriend totally crossed the line.
B) Are sure he only did it because your friend told him he has to be nice to you.
C) Let it slide. It's a first-time offense.


I'm not 100% sure what a "friendly shove" consists of, but anyway, the correct answer is of course C. It's not like you just get to go around deciding who gets to touch you and how, geez.

If you choose A, the quiz informs you that you are stuck-up for assuming guys are always attracted to you.

22 comments:

  1. "I noticed this when I read the section inside titled Cosmo Life: Healthy Sexy Strong and realized that every single tip in the section was about cutting calories. No strength or cardio exercises, no health screenings, not even advice on eating a balanced diet--just eat less. And it occurred to me: what if you're not overweight? What if you're 5'6" and 130 pounds, your current diet keeps your weight stable, and you're reading all about how health and sexiness means cutting calories every chance you get? That seems like it could mess with your head."

    Yes, this! What about people like me who have a healthy height to weight ratio? And who perhaps need to work to keep from dropping to an unhealthy weight? Cutting calories is about the least healthy/safe thing I could do (seriously, if I lose so much as 5 pounds I'm going to start worrying about my health...and then probably go eat a bacon cheeseburger). I mean, I recently had to ask my mother, who kindly buys my food, to switch from low-fat to full-fat yogurt to make it easier for me to stay at a healthy weight. And I put butter on all my vegetables (I need those calories, and I need fat). I thought healthy was not drinking soda or eating things that have been processed six ways from Sunday, or corn syrup, or partially hydrogenated gods-know-what. For someone like me, what Cosmo is advocating is anorexia. Anorexia and boatloads of health problems.

    I mean, silly me for thinking I can look sexy when I'm not underweight, let alone be healthy! What was I thinking?

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  2. Yikes on those sex tips. The shoelace one is just terrifying, and almost made me change sex as my organs tried to climb inside my body. The comb one might actually be fun if your partner had a light enough touch. The cotton ball one just makes me think I'd burst out laughing from the ticklish sensation.

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  3. When a guy dates an intelligent woman, he thinks about all the things he has done wrong and whether or not he deserves her.

    Please tell me the context for this was not any variation of "why you should pretend to be unthreateningly stupid". Please.

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  4. LabRat - There was no context, it was just part of a big unrelated list of "10 things guys wish you knew." (Two others of which were "guys don't care about how you look" and "now let me explain how I like a woman to look.") I think it was a compliment, though, in a weird way. I think he was trying to say that you're hot shit when you make your partner feel like crap for being with you.

    ...I guess.

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  5. I don't even know what a "statement necklace" is. I don't even know that I want to know what a "statement necklace" is. Wearing your bank statement as a necklace? Ok, interesting for the crazy. That going down cleaveage? Meh. Unless there's a *lot* of zeros on the left side of the decimal point. But that'd still be weird enough to be wearing around that I'd take a pass and look for someone sane.

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  6. Stingray - A statement necklace is one that is so big and gaudy and ugly that it better be a statement, because it's completely failed as jewelry.

    random example

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  7. That shoelace one reminded me of the Indian Rugburns me and my brother would give each other when the other pissed us off. That stuff hurts soooo bad. The only way I can see this actually happening is if you hate the guy.

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  8. there were a number of statements in there which nearly made me spit my coffee all over the screen - but the one that took the cake was "For example, if your emotional needs aren't being met, resist the urge to seek a solution or even admit there's a problem. Instead, think about how awesome and special he is."

    WTF????????????????????????????????????????

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  9. I think you're overly hard on Cosmo in regards to kink.

    I mean, here's a whole article full of sex tips for women who clearly must gag themselves and their partners during sex, not just occasionally, but every time. At least, I can come up with no other explanation for the inability of either party to say "I like X, I don't like Y, is there anything in particular you like or don't like?"

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  10. I'm 5'6'' and 130 pounds, I need to make sure I eat ENOUGH and exercise to GAIN some weight in muscle tissue...so thank you for expressing how I feel about people thinking eat less is the solution to everything

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  11. Cosmo>>>Why he's so turned on by ...hot twin sisters
    There's no such thing as too much of a good thing. Plus, the though of them making out is totally twisted... and, therefore, smokin'.<<<<
    Holly>>>It's not "totally twisted," it's incest. I know all you see is two hot bitches, but I see my goddamn sister.<<<

    I think Cosmo is totally wrong on this in most men's cases. The man's implausible fantasy in the hot twins scenario is the sisters sharing the man, not the man watching the sisters making out. Fonzie was always dating twins, and it was because he was supposed to be too much boy for one girl, not because they were incestuous bi girls.

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  12. Don't worry, Holly, nothing could turn you into TF. There just ain't enough it's-everybody-else's-fault-especially-men in you.

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  13. ...you know, I've never really understood the whole librarians-are-prim-and-proper thing. Most of the ones I know are, uh, decidedly not.

    Of course, I'm a MSLS grad student, so I'm probably just biased. Now doubt the instant I get my degree I'll remove my body piercings, laser off my tattoos, and develop a fondness for cardigan sweaters.

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  14. Hey aebhel, does that mean you have to stop being friends with me and erase, oh I don't know, everythign we've ever done?
    You're so going to be Vinny.

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  15. :) doubtless.

    Or, no, I could totally let you seduce me to feed your ego about getting into the pants of someone so prim and proper.

    You know, again.

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  16. Six days to prepare for a date...

    Six days.

    Wow. God forbid I have dull skin! Only feminists and spinsters would walk outside their house with DULL SKIN!

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  17. I like this idea.

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  18. Did you know she always wears hornrimmed glasses and white stockings and her hair in a bun?

    But that's hot...

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  19. The shoelace sex tip is brilliant. Any terrorist would certainly tell you where the ticking atomic timebomb was located after that.

    String of beads, very lightly . . . maybe. Wrap string around it and pull the ends back and forth? That's how a cable saw works!

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  20. Be fair, that shoelace thing actually works. Don't know why you're all so anti. :(

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  21. "Ask the hot Best Buy salesman to help you pick the perfect birthday present for your guy friend since he's a "sexy tech genius, like you.""

    Two things: 1) My response (not spoken) would be, "There's a reason you're not dating him, and it's not because he's too sexy... but it *might* be because he's too smart." 2) Trying that at Best Buy would get you summarily laughed at. You would become the joke of the week... people would say, "Remember that girl who called you sexy?"

    "I'm not 100% sure what a "friendly shove" consists of, but anyway, the correct answer is of course C. It's not like you just get to go around deciding who gets to touch you and how, geez."

    So my friends and I were joking about this and we've decided that "kinda-friendly, kinda-touchy" involves a groping motion coupled with a pushing motion.

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  22. I'm glad the cotton wool one came last out of that little series of genital-mutilating tips. If another like the first two had followed, I might have never uncrossed my legs again.

    I love these cosmocking posts, by the way. The fact that some people actually live by these kinds of magazines is terrifying.

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