Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Bad ideas for sex toys.

It's sex, so your mileage may and does vary. Hell, I can't keep the same mileage myself for two weeks running. But certain things are just silly.

Like sex dolls. ("Love dolls"--a case in which the euphemism actually makes things worse if you think about it.) I've got no objection to artificial vaginas--Lord knows I've got enough faux penises lying around--but somehow an entire artificial woman seems different. It feels like at that point it's filling an emotional rather than a purely physical need, and that's creepy.

And on a more practical level, they always look freakin' terrible. You get a box that looks like this, holding something that looks like this. (Also available in racist!) If you are trying to replicate the full-body experience of sharing yourself with a woman, this seems somewhat lacking.

Less "silly," and more "peritonitis," there's some very poorly thought-out bondage gear out there. Dear God, what happens if he trips?

Speaking of peritonitis, who among us hasn't pondered the irresistible erotic appeal of a home colonoscopy?

Hey! Haven't you ever wanted dildos modeled after the genitalia of various animals? Of course you have! Try the "Orca," it's life-size!

While you're doing all these terrible things to your butt, make sure and lube it up with some nice anesthetizing benzocaine! Because there's just nothing sexier than "oooh baby, I can't feel that... oh yeah, it's so fucking numb!" (Well, there's one thing sexier: "huh, blood. I didn't feel anything...")

This next one isn't offensive or dangerous, it just looks hilarious.

Even if it weren't being modeled on the slack, pale genitalia of a corpse, this doesn't seem like a good idea either.

I guess it doesn't make a difference here since the fingers are just squishy foam stuff, but does anyone actually have sex like this?

I can't tell if this one is racially insensitive or just baffling. (I once had a rather, ah, "suburban" friend try to tell me "black men have white dicks!" We had to go through eyewitness testimony and multiple photo references before she'd believe me.)

At least the owners of this site know how weird they are. (The entire "Strange Sex Toys" category--and the shameless editorialization therein--is one hell of a read.)

Finally, just be glad you're not a horse. Or the person who provides the "manual stimulation" to the horse.


  1. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, coffee in sinuses. You need to put a class III beverage alert in effect, even before your commentary.

    And yeah, nothing says "I wuz in LURVE" like sepsis and free air in the periotneum.

  2. Oh GOD the animal-penis one. When I saw they had not just dog penises, but a model SPECIFICALLY from an Akita- and you get the impression there had to be a live model- I wanted to go cry in the shower for awhile.

  3. LabRat - The site does claim they work from photos and, uh, artistic interpretation, not direct casts. You just have to decide for yourself how much you're willing to trust a guy who sells dog cocks for a living.

  4. Have you seen the Real Doll documentary?

  5. I think you should buy the chin-strap dildo and model it here.

    Seriously, though, the copy on some of this stuff makes me wonder if men truly believe that their cocks are made out of titanium or something. Either that, or it's a common fantasy.

  6. Thea - I have! It is creepy and sad and might be its own post someday.

    Aebhel - No.

    The "user reviews" section always has guys complaining that they couldn't fit into a toy that was only eight inches long. Oh, you poor thing...

  7. The ad copy from the strange sex toy page has me in tears, I can't stop laughing. Awesome!

  8. 1. My cock is made of irridium, thanks.
    2. Holy shit is the animals dicks site creepy.
    3. Fetishization of racism pisses me off. My intolerance revealed, I guess.
    4. Have you seen the Jackass segment in which a guy drinks a bottle of horse semen?

  9. Bruno - 1. My vagina is made of potassium. If you pour water on it something pretty cool happens.

    2. Just think of all the bestiality it's probably prevented. Why go to all the trouble and risk of fucking a real dog when you could just get it in silicone?

    3. It freaks me out how much the porn industry is behind normal society when it comes to race. (And gender, but that's a little more intrinsic.) I guess the theory is that they're already doing something "immoral" so why not go whole hog? Or that no one will bother to protest because no one wants to be seen saying "I only buy my sex toys from respectable companies"? It doesn't really make sense, I dunno.

    4. Yep! Ew.

  10. I want to put in a plug here for Square Peg ( )

    I have owned a bunch of toys in this class and these very ones here are far and away the best of them. As with many fun things, if you know how to use them you won't get peritonitis.

  11. Your views about sex-toys and porn seems a bit narrow to me.

    1. Bestiality is very popular among sex fantasies and it has very enthusiastic supporters in web communities. Zetacreations is providing some means to realize fantasies. And actually some of the dildos are quite interesting even if you don't have animal fetish.

    2. The cartoonish Titty FUCK-Her -toy is very interesting expression of bizarre sexual imagination. I'd describe it with wonder, not with contempt. Same goes for many of the other toys you introduce us.

    3. I don't think that porn is anywhere behind with it's racial issues. on the contrary porn is on the spot! Pornographers know that racial stereotypes and abusive fantasies can be very arousing.

    It's morality can be described like this: as long as porn operates in make-believe zone, it is ok to use bad stereotypes. Same argument is used by all fictious media, for example movies and literature. In fact it can be very relieving to indulge yourself with racist fantasies that could not be allowed in everyday life.

  12. Ratwerks - I... 'spose? It's miles (well, inches, or in some cases feet) out of my league, but if you enjoy it, more power to you, I guess.

    Seksualisti - It must be hard taking life so goshdarn seriously. Must really wear away at you. I just hope the satisfaction of being so much more virtuous and open-minded than everyone else makes up for it.

    Well, except you're defending racism because it's just so goldang sexy, so I'm not sure the virtue thing is entirely worked out there.

  13. I guess I was hoping to gently make just that point: the source of your humor is that most of these toys seem to be out of your league. I'll guess that anything out of your league can be counted on to be out of the league of the mainstream. And, while that ensures that most people will join you in ridicule, that does not make ridicule the right way to go.

    If this blog were called "Consumerocracy" rather than "Pervocracy" I'd just let it go. I adore a good lampoon, and you do that pretty well when you target publications where your expertise exceeds theirs. By overreaching you end up looking a lot like a target yourself.

  14. Wow. I just left a comment thread for World of Warcraft that was several nerds fighting over their epeen and it's goddamn amazing how similar this looks.

  15. Christ Jesus, this is the third time I've read through this post in as many days and every time I've laughed 'til it hurt.

    You really should write a book.

  16. I am not defending racism.
    I am defending freedom of sexual fantasies against anti-racist hypocrisy.

    And I agree with Ratwerks, that ridiculing bizarre sexualities has some serious problems.

    I think furthering sexual rights is serious business, but not any kind of open-mindedness contest.

    I'm sorry to read that you are so upset about my comments, because I believe that discussion and deeper analysis of issues are always ways to better understanding. My intention was not to insult.

  17. Yeah, it seems like there is a YKINOK problem in this post.

  18. This is from forever ago, but hey, I was reading the archives so other people probably are, too.

    I have to say, the benzocaine gel was a godsend for me. I am a gay man who was always a "psychological" bottom, but never managed to actually do it because it hurt too goddamn much. Didn't matter how much lube I used, how slowly I went, how gentle he was (or if it was a dildo), whatever. It just hurt, it wasn't fun at all, and it was frustrating as fuck. I even consulted a sexologist, but (surprise!) the study of problems that gay men might face in getting ass fucked is still in its infancy.

    Finally I found myself with a lovely older gentleman with a very toppy, dommy streak, a can-do attitude, and a tube of Anal Eaze (a similar product). I tell you, he rubbed that stuff on, gave me a hit of poppers, and we were off to the races. I can't tell you how important this was for me -- it was like losing my virginity again, it had such a nuclear impact on my sex life to finally be able to enjoy an act I desperately wanted to do! (And pace the comment above, I still had plenty of pleasure, mainly from the inside anatomy as well as the psychological pleasure of getting topped.)

    Best of all, once he got me "broken in," I haven't needed it afterwards, so I can get the full sensation.

    I think it's too bad that this product, as well as poppers which were my other little helpers in this domain, have a bad rap. I called up my favourite feminist/queer sex shop when my supply ran out, and was nonplussed to be told that they didn't stock it because it "interfered with pleasure" as you said. In my case, it had enabled pleasure to take place where it used to be impossible!

    All this to say that that product might well be very useful for someone wanting very much to receive anal sex but unable to overcome pain even with careful and gentle attention.

  19. A the equine breeding studentJune 9, 2012 at 9:53 PM

    FML, my friend owns and next week yes, I will be the one jacking off a horse :S