Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Cosmocking: January '09!

Purple cover! Amanda Bynes! Funny, I always thought it was "Byrnes" until now! Wearing a leopard-print dress thing that looks like really tacky old-lady lingerie! One of the cover stories is "Have an Orgasm Every Time" and that strikes me as hyperbole because even I can't do that and if I can't, no one can!

I think this is going to be a short Cosmocking because this issue is really, really, really, really boring. Like, more than usual even.

Surprising Things that Turn Him Off
Being Kinky in Bed (At First)
There's nothing wrong with showing enthusiasm. But when it comes to off-the-wall sexcapades, setting the bar--or stripper pole--too high the first few times can make guys wonder what else you have in common with Jenna Jameson. "It feels weird to say it out loud, but I really don't want a girl to be completely uninhibited in bed when I first start sleeping with her," says John, 27. "I like to feel like we discover some stuff together and then work up to the really experimental stuff."

I'm actually about halfway with John here--it's awesome to discover new ways to have fun together--but only if you're actually discovering them. If you're just biding your time as you reel out the tricks you already knew, it's not experimentation, it's pretense.

Likewise, I know from experience it's bad to take a candy-shop approach to a new partner ("And you should use this knife on me and here's my biggest dildo and how do you feel about pee and and and..."), but overambition is bad for sex at any stage of the relationship, and that's not the same thing as declaring that the first time must be pseudo-reluctant mish or he'll think you're a ho.

Touching a man near his package in any way--with your hand, with your mouth, with your grocery cart at the store--is usually good enough to rev his engine.
I can't tell if they're joking.

Men with blue eyes are more likely to choose a blue-eyed woman as their partner. The reason: since blue eyes are a recessive genetic trait, two blue-eyed parents can only have a blue-eyed kid; a child with any other eye color must have been fathered by another guy. Blue-eyed men subconsciously know this and select women with blue eyes so that they can spot if they've been cheated on.
Or it could just be that people tend to date within their own ethic group. Otherwise I want to see the stats on guys with attached earlobes.

Also, eye color inheritance is complex, and it is possible for a blue-eyed person and a green- or brown-eyed person to have a blue-eyed child. "At least she's not cheating on me with a homozygotic guy!"

Kiss a guy on the right-side of his body. The left hemisphere of the brain, which is responsible for positive feelings, controls the right half of the body. So this way, he will process your presence in the optimistic part of his mind and experience greater pleasure.
Seems like every damn issue of Cosmo has another tip for dating a split-brain patient. I like my men with corpora callosa, yo.

Are you Crazy Enough in Bed?
Hoo boy. There's gonna be a few quotes from this article.

You've probably heard male friends sing the praises of girls who are "crazy in bed." But there's such a thing as good wild (he sees your uninhibited side) and bad wild (he has to see a chiropractor or shrink after the act).
Yes, yes, be kinky, but don't be, you know, kinky. Or something. Fuck, I don't know what this means. I know the chiropractor/shrink thing isn't meant literally, but I'm having a hell of a time figuring out what it is supposed to indicate.

Guys dig women who are enthusiastic in bed. That may mean being up for giving and receiving oral sex, wearing hot lingerie, or asking to go multiple rounds.
Um, wow, that's "crazy?" Isn't it more like "not asexual?"

While men appreciate it when you shake things up in the sack, they do have boundaries (who knew?). Some respondents described such activities as anal sex, playing with their back door, being into S and M, and offering to bring another women to bed as over-the-top for them personally.
Oh nice, we've got a precise line drawn between good kinky (frilly undies!) and bad kinky (actual kink!). For fuck's sake. But this is all really individual. I know guys who'd love to get fucked in the ass but would see a second woman as cheating and beyond their boundaries. I know more guys who'd love a threesome and buttsex but have no interest in pain. The only way you're going to know these things is to ask.

Also, your own desires. Cripes, we could have one damn mention in here of that. Why am I to bend over backwards to be just kinky enough (even if I hate receiving oral) and not too kinky (even if I love it in the butt) and all he has to do is sit there while I make assumptions about what he'd like? Cripes.

Q: I went out to dinner with this guy, and it was great--we got along well, and there was a definite spark. But when it came time to pay, he pulled out a coupon. I'm hardly a princess, but that totally killed it for me. Am I being too hard on him?
If it was a good dinner at a place you liked, why do you care, Princess?

(Completely irrelevant aside: I know two women who are actually named Princess. Some parents...)

Q: I started dating this guy a couple of months ago, but he broke up with me after three weeks. Ever since then, we've been acting like a couple, and he says he's in love with me. But he also says he doesn't want a girlfriend because of "rules" he has for himself. What's his deal?
A: DTMFA. Cripes.

Secret to being a confident chick: Stilletos
Nicole Lapin is one of cnn.com's youngest anchors. Her job--covering everything from going green to earthquakes--keeps her life exciting. Here's her trick for looking put together: "Classic 4-inch black pumps. They go with anything, and they are sexy and professional."

Hot damn, four inches? That's about as professional as clear plastic platforms with sparklies. (And in earthquake rubble? Never mind comfortable shoes, I want some goddamn steel-toes.) It especially seems like overkill for a job where nobody ever sees your feet.

Dunking the same chip into a dip twice is a major party foul. And as a gracious Cosmo girl, you're obligated to call it out. Smile and in a jovial tone say, "I know men want to swap spit with you, but I don't. No double dipping! [Laugh]"
Good lord, that's awkward.


  1. Sweet Christ. I want to find whoever at this magazine is responsible for the "scientifically based" tips and hit them with a hammer. I don't think it'll actually help anything, but it would be theraputic for me.

  2. I want to let the Rate out of the lab to do my dirty work for me. I already knew Cosmo hates women, but holy merciful crap is that awful. I can only hope never to meet anyone who tries to live out Cosmo's advice.

  3. You know, that last thing about the party manners really got to me. I mean, yeah, okay, double-dipping is a little gross (although I still do it sometimes...sue me) but calling a person on it in public is just going to embarrass them and make you look like an asshole.

    True grace is the art making other people comfortable around you. Nit-picking about poor manners is just a slightly more sophisticated version of the head-cheerleader crap that most people get over in high school.

    Also, regarding those guys who want their girlfriends to magically divine their ideal level of kink (don't be boring! but don't be scary either!) can go have a flying fuck on a rolling duck.

  4. LabRat - Sounds like someone's a left-brainer!

    Bruno - Maybe you'd be more relaxed if you massaged your nipples and released a little oxytocin. (I'm not making it up, Cosmo said to bond with your man by stimulating his nipples. Not because that's funtimes of course, but because OXYTOCIN. SCIENCE.)

    Aebhel - Depending how well you know them and how flagrant they're being, I think it can be okay to discreetly tsk someone for double-dipping. It was just the "I know men want to swap spit with you" part that got me--okay, now you're nitpicking their manners and calling them a slut. Gracious!

    I don't think the guys want the girls to magically know, I think girls are trying to tell other girls that the only proper feminine way to be kinky is to be psychic. Because, eww, you can't just come out and talk about... you know, because you're not some kind of slut!

  5. I think you're giving the guys a lot of credit there. My experience is that men and women both tend to expect their partners to know what they want and provide it without being asked, because love is patient, love is kind, and true love has paranormal extrasensory perception.

  6. Yeah, it's not so much the getting called on it as the attitude. It's not 'that's gross, please knock it off' but 'omigod would you look at how gauche and crass that is!' It's not about the behavior but the person.

    I gotta agree with Don Gwinn, though. I'm not saying that women don't have that attitude, but...so do a lot of men. And they're the ones that heterosexual women are going to be having those talks with.

  7. DTMFA? I'm assuming Dump The Mother F***ing Asshole, but just checkin here.

  8. DTMFA is a Dan Savage-ism meaning "dump the motherfucker already."

  9. I double dip! -- When I'm with my close friends, cause we all don't mind, all do it and are cool with it. We've known each other for over 15 years now, so we're like family.

    Out with others however I'd never double dip it's rude. I sure as fuck wouldn't be like Cosmo says and call someone out like that!! Taking someone aside and giving them a little hint that double dipping isn't cool, is gracious, and perfectly fine. Calling them out in front of every, well that makes ME look like the bigger ass. I just can't get over the bad, horrible, awkward advice Cosmo gives! Damn.