Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My secret garden is the Matrix.

I have some weird-ass sexual fantasies. To begin with, they're all set in the Matrix. I mean, in a fully immersive massively-multiplayer computer-generated world. I never think about people really having sex; I only think about people having Matrix sex which is indistinguishable from real sex. I think I do this because it lets me skip over all the nitpicky details--you don't need condoms in the Matrix, nobody has to eat or drink or go potty, and your body can't be damaged. The Matrix conceit also lets me shift scenarios and construct really bizarre ones without having to worry about realism.

(Because otherwise, yes, I would worry about realism. It would be a huge problem and I would write angry letters to myself about how I used to be a fan but I simply can't suspend disbelief any longer, and I wonder if I've lost respect for my audience.)

Other strange features of my fantasies:
-They're always third-person limited omniscient. It's "a woman" doing stuff, not me.
-No real people may appear. Not celebrities, not people I'm sleeping with, not crushes, no one. Someone who even looks like someone I know, or has a similar name, is unacceptable.
-It's all fairly extreme BDSM, where no one is just a bottom sometimes for fun, they're lifetime slaves who get fucked and/or tortured all day every day.
-The submissive women have names and are fairly deeply characterized. The men and dominant women are almost all faceless, one-dimensionally lecherous props.
-The entire fantasy is a continuous story that's been going on for around eight years now, in twenty-minute installments. It's a little fragmented and lacks narrative direction, as you might imagine, but it is all connected.

Obviously, my fantasies are not my aspirations for reality. I definitely perceive my sexual partners as people, and I only want to be a full-time fucked-all-day slave for an hour or two at a time.

All this is incredibly embarrassing to write about.

There's a stupidly elaborate story structure in my head, and I won't get into all nine major characters and their complex interrelationships, nor into the sinister underlying questions about whether it's possible to leave the Sex Matrix, but here are some of the more common scenarios:

-All slaves begin in a communal training facility, where they start out absurdly restricted and then gradually "earn" a few privileges. On the first day, they get labia piercings, which are then chained to the floor so tightly that they can't stand up. Standing up has to be earned. Wearing any clothing, even tiny slips of lingerie, is a major privilege mostly reserved for the upper-level slaves who teach and manage the newbies.

-A woman is put, crouched doggy-style, into a box with an opening for her ass and pussy to hang out, and a parade of "customers" come by. She can't see or control who touches her and how. Rough assfucking ensues.

-A woman performs on stage with fucking machines bearing Dildos Of Unusual Size. Often the dildos are based on animal cocks and she's humiliated for it. Audience members are invited up to help. Rough assfucking ensues.

-Sometimes slaves are just plain rented out to customers, or often large groups of customers who plan to share. Rough assfucking ensues.

-Between activities, women are sometimes put into "storage" in pods that continuously double-penetrate them until they're needed again, just to keep them in shape. There's generally more focus on the "rough assfucking" half of the double penetration that ensues.

-A woman goes to a club so decadent that they have low-ranked slaves impaled on dildos just decorating the walls. (They have footrests. See, I'm not weird or anything.) Generally she doesn't end up on the wall, but on one of the tables around the room, where she's bound for anyone at the club to come by and enjoy her any way they see fit. Rough assfucking ensues.

-Two slaves sneak a moment together, away from all the madness. They they fuck each other up the ass, roughly.


  1. That's much more convoluted than my fantasies ;-) I'm curious-- do the female submissives ever enjoy (even unwillingly) what's going on, or is it a purely unpleasant, grotesque experience? Also, are there any male submissive characters (regardless of the gender of the dominants?)
    Also, I think your Matrix world needs Roman-style public baths. For some reason when I got to the end of your post, I was surprised that you hadn't included something similar.

  2. They're into it, for the most part. And male submissives exist, but there aren't very many in this part of the Matrix (there are other parts, for any preference!) and they're very rarely under the spotlight.

    Hm, I hadn't considered Roman baths. I'll keep that in mind next time I'm fantasizing.

  3. This is adorable and hot and awesome all at once. Your fantasy life is epic. :)

  4. Awww. Don't be embarrassed, Holly. MY fantasies are usually NARRATED. Most of the first sexy things I happened across in my youth were in book form, so maybe I started depending on words as some kind of crutch, I dunno.

    So I'll be picturing stuff, but every now and then a sentence drifts through my head, in my voice, same as when I'm reading something.

    Oh, and I don't have a nobody-I-know rule. Usually I imagine various long-ago exes fucking each other. There's no emotional resonance left there, but the guys are (/were) HOT. Plus I know their sexual styles and sounds, so that injects realism (if we ignore the fact that they were all actually straight IRL).

  5. I feel so much recognition reading this! I too have a Matrix (I love that term!) Not the same as yours, but so many familiar things. The 3rd person aspect, particularly. I also rely on it not being real, and tend to go for the extreme stuff. Mine isn't continuous, although I return to the same people in it, they do slightly different things each time and it doesn't follow on. I don't really characterise anyone, which helps me to stay in the Matrix zone. I have different fantasies too, but I go back to my version of the Matrix and the details for me, are too private to be able to write about.

  6. -They're always third-person limited omniscient. It's "a woman" doing stuff, not me.

    I wonder how common this is? Because, yeah me too. And also the strictly fictional setting.

  7. Funny, I do the third-person limited omniscient viewpoint too. Never thought it would be that common.


  8. Funny, I do the third-person limited omniscient viewpoint too. Never thought it would be that common.

    So do I.

  9. Me too, though not always. Sometimes it's really me in there, often with my real partner (and occasionaly other real people pop in for a visit). But a lot of the time it's anonymous fictional people with vague impressionistic faces. Makes it easy to adopt the POV of either one of them.

    Off down a tangent: I've never understood why a lot of written porn gets so specific about what characters look like. So-and-so's hair was this color and she was this tall and this is what she was wearing and her breasts were exactly this large. Shut up and leave her vague! But I guess that works for some people.

  10. Hmmm... beginning to sense a theme here ;-)

    In my experience, at least 3/4 of the women I've talked to about their fantasies; have said that the majority of their fantasies if not all, are in that same "They're always third-person limited omniscient. It's "a woman" doing stuff, not me." mode.

    Most of them also involved anonymous, faceless or generic faced, partners.

  11. Evan - I actually do have specific physical ideas about my characters, although they're not terribly important.

    What I REALLY hate is when really bad amateur porn writers use numbers to describe the characters. "She was slim, but with ample breasts pulling her shirt taut across the chest" is much less objectionable than "she was 110 pounds with 34Ds."

    (Or the bra-illiterate "she was 110 pounds with 42Ds," which probably doesn't describe the body type they were thinking of.)

  12. I have the same problem with needing realism in fantasies. More than once, I've realized I spent most of the masturbation time leading up to an orgasm imagining the negotiation for the scene that's about to take place. I mean, I like sex better than talking about sex, but it's important to get all the details straight before you dive in! I wouldn't want to push an imaginary person's boundaries!

  13. Another straight woman with a third person Matrix fantasy life that has been ongoing since my early teens. Here I thought I was all weird/original!

  14. Hmm. It's not my thing, but things that aren't my thing can work if they're filtered through someone for whom it is their thing, if that makes sense.

    But really, I'm just imagining "Rough assfucking ensues" appended to the plot synopses of just about anything:

    * A group of plane crash survivors find themselves on a mysterious island. Rough assfucking ensues.

    * A mysterious man and his companions travel through time and space in a police box. Rough assfucking ensues.

    * A young man in a galaxy far, far away trains to become a Jedi and confronts his now-evil father. Rough assfucking ensues.

    * A girl survives a tornado to find out her house has been transported to a magical land, where she meets a lion, a tin man and a scarecrow. Rough assfucking ensues.

    * English gentry in the countryside get off on the wrong foot, but eventually find love. Rough assfucking ensues.

    * An obsessed sea captain tracks down the white whale who took his leg. Rough assfucking ensues.

  15. Bookworm, you win the internet. There were drinks choked on and monitors defiled.

  16. Chris: "Most of them also involved anonymous, faceless or generic faced, partners."

    I know that's the case for me.

    Wish I could remember where I saw it, but several years ago an article (survey-based pop psychology if I remember right) was making the rounds of my local anime club. It was talking about how popular tentacle hentai was with women compared to more mainstream porn and discussed the faceless/generic aspect as the main reason it was preferred.

    The other reason I remember being stated was that women could empathize/fantasize with the women characters without violating the third person because the situation could never occur in reality. Same for most fantasy settings involving monsters, dragons, elves, or other mythical beings; it's safe to fantasize because it's an alternate reality that could never occur here.

  17. "They say" it's the same reason why middle aged women write most gay erotica. They can put themselves into the situation, imagine the rough assfucking if you will... without too closely identifying with the characters, and thus making themselves uncomfortable.

    Not sure if I believe that entirely, but that's the popular explanation for why most slash is written by women.

  18. My dreams seldom involve sex; when they do, it's usually rape as a metaphor for societal repression or self-repression. Mostly it's about searching for something vague and not finding it. Mazes of various types feature often.

    (I semi-lucidly cheated once by parting a city-maze so there was a direct path to the other side, which is apparently what I was looking for. The dream backlashed against this almost immediately by running me over with a train. On the sidewalk.)

    Oh, and telepathic llamas with severe eye infections. Who want me to break a curse placed on them by the zombie ostrich. Mustn't forget those. (Okay, that only happened a few times.)

    For me the perspective can be either 1st person or 3rd person, regardless of whether any of the characters are supposed to represent me or not. It can even switch between the two. Occasionally there are two characters which are both supposed to represent me, which feels a little odd.

  19. @Chris: I'm pretty sure that the actual reason most slash is written by straight women is the same reason most lesbian porn is consumed by straight guys. One Guy=Awesome, Two Guys=Awesome Squared.

  20. agree with holly. <3

  21. First comment was eaten, truncated version:
    Your Matrix reminded me a lot of Atwood's The Handmaid's Tale; have you read it?

    Also, you mentioned that your slaves enjoy what happens, whereas my victims can't enjoy what happens or it doesn't "work" (I still identify with them; ie, I'm not the aggressor). I think I know what this says about me, but do you feel like these sorts of things are related to psychology/personality or are they developed more akin to one's favorite food (ie, seemingly random happenstance)?

  22. I keep coming back to this post. Holly, I for one would LOVE to read adventures from your Matrix!


  23. You all need to read the "Sleeping Beauty" series by Anne Rice. Holly, it was written for you.


  24. sv - Eh. I've read the first one and eh. Anne Rice is just not my thing.

  25. Holly, I've been archive-binging your blog for a few months now, and I have finally come to a post I can comment on without being horribly late to the party. :)

    I very rarely have sexual fantasies (I don't have a very visual imagination). I have a no people I know rule. Every fantasy I can remember has broken it. My fantasies are a simultaneous mix of third and first persons (I'm in them, but I'm also watching). My fantasies have tended to be stuff I might enjoy IRL if I suspend my disbelief a bit and turn off my rational mind somewhat.

  26. ... Do you have a brochure yet?

    -- CoronerCountess

  27. From the sound of these, you would be right at home in this webcomic: http://oglaf.com/.

  28. Oh, well now I'm just sitting at work painfully turned on. Fantastic.

    "Between activities, women are sometimes put into "storage" in pods that continuously double-penetrate them until they're needed again, just to keep them in shape." - that is GENIUS. Can't believe I never thought of that.

    And I tend to read an excessive amount of slash, so my fantasies are pretty much similar to yours, except populated by the cast of Sherlock...