Saturday, October 6, 2007


Before I had sex, I got the impression (from where I'm not sure, probably media more than humans) that the main difficulty was that men came much faster than women, the expected position was man on top, and that men focused too much on their own pleasure and forgot the woman's.

In my actual experience, it's been exactly the opposite. Maybe I've been running into a weird sample or I'm doing something wrong, but every guy I've fucked has taken roughly one million years a half hour to get off. I need about five minutes. Two if you're trying really hard. And unless we explictly agree on something else, guys expect me to get on top during sex.

And as for pleasure... well, I wonder if this has something to do with the fact that I've never slept with a guy who didn't have a "lucky" d20, but the guys usually expect it to be all about me. Their typical sexual script seems to be that they'll kiss me, then suck on my breasts, then finger me, then go down on me, then fuck me, and my job is to enjoy it. I try to be a little more giving than that, but it always seems to come as a suprise when I am.

I wish I knew where I got my weird expectations, because I'd like to tell it, whatever it is (probably some amalgam of 70's era sex manuals, Cosmo, and American Pie), you are so wrong, buddy. Now stop filling the kids' heads with that nonsense.

Because really, if I were Missy Eliot, I'd be singing "I don't want no two-hour man."


  1. I don't have a lucky d20, but my script is pretty much the same. Growing up, I learned/assumed that women didn't really want sex -- it was just something they put up with to keep men around and have babies -- so I wanted to be the guy who could show them how to enjoy it.

    I'm sure part of the reason for my lackluster sex life is that I always tried to make my partner have at least as much fun as I was having, but I've also been with women who were all too willing to remain silent and passive.

  2. Bruno - you may only use d6's but I know you play tabletop RPGs, pfff.

    And awww. I always feel like women who are passive in bed are being cruel. (I always wonder how they can possibly manage not to writhe and moan and clutch things, but clearly they are not having the same experience I do. For some reason. Eek.)

    I just know that I'd feel really guilty if I ever did that. I couldn't enjoy sex unless I knew the guy was having at least as good a time as I was, and I'm not arrogant enough to think that my mere ownership of a vagina will do all the work for me.

    It's a shame I'm not really hot, I'd be so incredibly awesome if I were all that and a hardbody.

  3. As is all too often the case when I try to discuss these things, I expressed myself poorly. What I meant to say in that mangled final sentence is that I might have more fun if I were less focused on always making my partner have fun, but I've only been with women who are at best reluctant to intitiate anything. They make noise, but they don't make demands; they move, but they don't take control. With an aggressive partner I wouldn't have to worry about whether she was enjoying herself, and might feel more free to enjoy myself.

    You're pretty awesome as you are, by the way.

  4. Bruno, my only suggestion, and I know it's an impossible one because I've been in similar situations ("Oh, I like it all, so let's just do what you like... QUICK NOW DECIDE WHAT THAT IS AND DON'T BE WRONG!"), is make it their problem. If a girl's unwilling to even ask for what they want, you have to take that not as a guessing game but as carte blanche.

    Which is easy to say but I know damn well it's infuriating to do if that's just not your style.

    And still unfair. There's such a fine line between submissiveness and just plain laziness. (That's why I always beat up submissive guys a little. Keeps "I'll be tied up and not move and you'll fuck me, okay?" from being too easy.)

  5. Hello, this is a fascinating blog.

    I think the main issue here is that we (men) are all instructed, one way or another, that the series of events you describe are what we are supposed to do. Remember the part in Monty Python's The Meaning of Life when John Cleese is playing a dry British school teacher teaching sexual technique to a room full of boys, in an explicit yet utterly detached, British fashion:

    "Now, did we, or did we not, do vaginal juices?"

    (Vagues affirmatives from the schoolboys)

    "Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson."

    "Uh... Rubbing the clitoris, sir?"

    "How about a kiss, boy? How about a nice kiss?"

    (Various other suggestions from the other boys: squeezing the breasts, stroking the thighs, etc.)

    "So, you see, we have many other options before we STAMPEDE toward the clitoris, Watson!"

    (Python geeks, please forgive the imperfect quoting, I haven't seen the movie in a while.)

    Plus, we are indoctrinated with the "first base, second base, etc..." mindset when we start to make out with people, and no one ever tells us that that same series of events needn't be acted out in microcosm every single time we have sex.

    I can also identify with a lot of the other comments here: several women have been reluctant with me in communicating their needs, and I'm expected to read their mind. In a case like that, you know the standard stuff will probably be okay. Which is sort of sad.

    One woman I was with needed all that stuff. She wanted to come from my fingering her before we had sex; otherwise she "didn't feel juicy enough." So, there are people who really want or need that model.

    Another sad thing: I read recently that another consequence of this model is that women who know little more than how to display some enthusiasm for the standard moves consider themselves "good at" sex, presumably thinking that they don't need to explore anything else.

    I have to admit, though, I love kissing. I love playing with breasts. Going down on someone is really, really fun. And after I do all of these favorite things of mine, it's not uncommon for me to want to have sex. So, maybe I'm part of the problem.

    Sorry for the lengthy response. Thanks again for the blog.


  6. SB - good point about the bases. Always did bug me that they're all assigned to female body parts, and you can get 3/4ths of the way to a home run without the man so much as loosening his tie.

    (Come to think of it, it would actually be really sexy to be fingered by a man in a tie and I must make one of the boys try this. But that's a tangential thought.)

    I do feel like the whole idea of "saying what you want" can be a little unfriendly to people who aren't repressed but are just genuinely vanilla.

    "Open up to me... tell me your darkest desires... your secret fantasies... I'm not squeamish."
    "Um... can we cuddle some and then make love?"

  7. SB - And oh gosh, I have no manners, I forgot to say thank you.