Monday, April 20, 2009


I wish I'd let Tommy stun-gun me.

I wanted it, sort of, but I'm kind of phobic about electricity, and when I heard the noise it made and saw the size of the spark I was terrified all the way into flight-or-fight physically-get-away mode. Spastic shrieks of "augh no I changed my mind safeword safeword no" is not considered "enthusiastic consent" by your more considerate doms, so it never happened.

Man, I hate panicking. (I also hate admitting to panicking, but confession is good for the soul, or good for getting attention, or something.) But there are a couple things that will make me panic at the thought of even touching them--fish, electricity, and skeletons. For some obscure reason they just set off the "run first, think later" switch in my head and it's impossible.

Which is why I wish I could have withstood it. I wish I could have that memory of looking down from the mountaintop and going "holy shit, I did that and I'm alive." I wish I could have the memory of looking in Tommy's eyes and thinking "I trusted him to do this and he didn't let me down." I guess I have those, sort of, about other things, but I wish I'd tackled a real challenge.

Confession: I often, often think about getting tortured with electricity when I masturbate.

I regret not doing it, and yet, I think if I got the chance again tonight I'd refuse it again tonight. Climbing a mountain is a good (if hackneyed) metaphor; it begins with making a decision, but it sure as fuck doesn't end there. To actually get there you've got to fight your body every inch of the way and it may turn out that you're just not strong enough.

I suppose it doesn't take strength to get stun-gunned, exactly. But to ask for it, to continue to ask for it after it's cracked like tiny lightning before your eyes, to hold out your tender pink skin for it, and to ask for it again even when the metal is cold against your body and a single finger flick would bring unknown pain, takes more than I have.

More than I have now.


  1. Go for it! ;) Once you get hit with a stun gun, you'll realize that it's not that bad. If it's a really good stun gun, you'll lose voluntary muscle control and feel weak afterward (adrenaline, I think). I've never thought they hurt, I just don't like not being able to move.

  2. Peter - It's more about my personal phobia than the actual pain--I'd react about the same if you wanted to touch my face with a dead fish even though that obviously wouldn't hurt at all.

  3. Holly,
    Being afraid of getting hit with a stun gun is >not< something to be afraid of. Stun guns are viscous things.
    If you would like to work through your fear of being shocked, you might look into a TENS unit. Once you work up to being able to withstand a mid-to-high level shock on one of those, the stun gun might not seem so daunting.
    As for Peter, different people respond different ways. On some people it hurts, on others it doesn't. I myself thought that being stun-gunned hurt like hell, but the pain was like one snap with a whip: gone as soon as the experience was over.

    Love your blog, esp the pictures! ;-P
    Keep writing and playing S&S...

  4. I had a friend that stuck a stun gun in his back pocket, and when he sat down at a barstool he did it in such a way that the switch got depressed and he spent about 10 seconds bouncing around on the barstool making chimpanzee noises.

    Good times.


  5. So Holly: we should get you the skeleton of an electric eel for your birthday? >:)

  6. PR - I would have figured that pain is something that's pretty consistent across the board. Learn something new every day, I guess. Then again, maybe the contractions in all my muscles were so severe, I just didn't have the nerves to spare to feel anything :p. I got hit with a police-issue Taser, by request.

    Holly - Are you trying to get over the phobia by exposure? Good luck if you are :)

  7. PR - I did play with a TENS unit once, the issue isn't the pain level but the fact that it has no "zap"--no spark, no cracking noise. As I said, it's all psychology.

    Bob - The ones I've seen have had fairly idiot-proof safeties. But I guess that's not universal.

    Strings - EEEEEK. NOT EVEN FUNNY DUDE. (Okay, a little funny. But if you really did it it wouldn't be.)

    Peter - Not really, with the electricity. I've calmed down about fish enough that I can be at a table with someone eating fish or go to an aquarium and be cool, and skeletons likewise enough to make it through an anatomy class, but I've never worked on the electricity thing much. Even a doorknob shock still freaks the crap out of me.

  8. I think you're perfectly sane. (well...)

    Electricity *is* scary. It's electric, for godsake!

  9. I think a doorknob shock *feels* more like electricity than a stun gun shock does. At least for me, the door knob leaves you with that creepy, tingly feeling for a few seconds afterward, while the stun gun feels almost like a bee sting, but the sensation stops immediately when the gun is gone.
    As a random side note about electricity experiences: once I accidentally grabbed an electric fence... one moment, I was about to casually rest my hand on a wire of the fence. The next, I was standing three feet away. There was absolutely no pain or after affects, but apparently the fence dosed me with enough electricity to short-circuit my brain for a few seconds.

  10. Dog training collar. Less of a jolt.