One of the ongoing kerfuffles in Internet Feminism is the idea of rape prevention advice. On the one hand, it's good to know anything that might keep you from getting raped, right? But on the other hand, some people don't like the slight undertones of "those stupid rape victims, they should have known this stuff!" Or the non-slight undertones of "ladies can't just go outside and interact with the world any old way they'd like, because they're ladies!" Which usually gets countered with "look, it may not be fair, but rapists aren't fair!" And then the comment thread gets really grouchy.
My take on the kerfuffle: I apply all rape prevention advice to one simple test. "Would this protect me from my best friend?" Because that's how it usually goes down, doesn't it? Random goons on the street and invading homes have nothing statistically on friends, dates, and partners.
So let's look at some common rape prevention tips in that light.
-Always be aware of your surroundings. Avoid walking alone in isolated or poorly-lit settings.
My best friend is right here with me and I'm aware of him.
-Don't get drunk around people you can't trust. Never leave your drink unattended.
I can totally trust my best friend to take care of me if I get smashed, and he'll watch my drink.
-Never pick up hitchhikers. Never, ever get into a stranger's car, and fight them tooth and nail if they try to make you get in the car.
Of course not, but I'll give my best friend a ride. And sure, I'll let him give me a ride.
-Carry mace or a stun gun [or, depending on the politics of the list-writer, a handgun]
I can't shoot my best friend! Maybe, maybe if he gets all "Grrr, I'm going to rape you now," I'll be able to mace or stun-gun him. (Mace, incidentally, is an extremely double-edged sword indoors.) But if his approach is more "I thought you liked this, why are you being so cruel to me?"--or if it's "I'm already basically on top of you and you can barely breathe much less surreptitiously reach for anything"--there's no way I could do it.
Never open the door for a stranger.
Of course not, I opened the door for my best friend.
The fact is, I have no defenses against close friends. I'll let myself be alone with them, I'll get in their cars, I'll fall asleep in their presence, I'll undress in front of some of them--and I wouldn't have it any other way. I trust my friends, and I know that a lot of rape victims also trusted their friends, and I don't think there's anything I can do about this.
(To any friends reading this: I don't mean you, honey! I don't think you're going to rape me! Although that's kind of the point here.)
I could stay safe by treating my friends like strangers, but then they wouldn't be friends, and that's just not worth it to me. I take my chances, and I don't like it when I think about it in this light, but I take my chances and try to choose my friends carefully, and I try really really hard to ferret out and ostracize "she friend-zoned me, but I deserve sex" thinkers, and I think that's all I can do.
One rape-prevention tactic that would actually be useful to women is to take a self-defense class, or had some training in fighting (karate or whatever). "Assertiveness training" -- which is often part of women's SD classes -- is also helpful in defusing situations that could become violent. Practicing that stuff gives you a skill you can use anywhere, anytime, not just against a stranger, & you don't have to rely on a mace can or whistle.
ReplyDeleteThis idea hardly EVER appears in mainstream "rape prevention" advice. I think it's no coincidence. The thought of learning self defense brings people face to face with the idea that they might actually face a violent man someday, & that's an uncomfortable thought -- for women, & for the friends, husbands and fathers who might want to protect them. Whereas the crappy advice you cited above promotes a fantasy that if you ritualistically avoid certain behaviors, you'll eliminate the chance that a rapist will ever target you.
I also think it's no coincidence that this "advice" targets behavior that is traditionally seen as unladylike or slutty. It just seems natural in a lot of ppl's minds that it's dangerous for women to drink, talk to men or walk around unescorted. A woman who's out at night flirting with a bunch of guys matches society's idea of a "target"; a woman who doesn't know how to defend herself in a violent conflict is potentially much more helpless, but seems normal & unremarkable.
I think giving women advice on how they can be stronger & prepare for the worst is much more empowering than giving them a list of things not to do.
I think your reading is pretty spot on, though as a dude, I'm not going to suppose what situations would be scary to a woman, as opposed to my own situations (there isn't a total overlap, and dangerous is a difference concept).
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think it's cool you stress that having a buddy, of whatever gender, to have your back is key in the situations you describe. Having a friend is always the best defense, though having false friends could be bad (in my experience).
PS, Also being in an elevator when my wife fired off mace (I totally had the guy in headlock), I totally get your double-edged sword. We about died, not from the guy, he got a boot to the head after, from my wife. Still, eyes, ouch.
Even that crappy advice probably doesn't help as much with stranger rapes as one might think. It will help a lot with someone who randomly decides to rape you because they're intoxicated or insane, or someone who jumps the first woman who seems at least semi-attractive and sufficiently vulnerable. But some "stranger rapes" are strangers only to the victim; the attacker knows them quite well - obsessively stalking and observing them for months or even years while keeping in the background as someone the victim barely notices, if at all. During that time they learn every last detail they can about their victim's personality and private lives, sometimes using illegal means to do so. And when their obsession becomes overwhelming, they find a time and place when the victim is alone and at their most vulnerable (even if it's not all that much more vulnerable than usual), and may even use countermeasures to common rape prevention practices. To the victim, it seems like an attack out of nowhere that happened only because they dropped their guard a little for a moment. In reality it was anything but that.
ReplyDeleteFortunately such events are very rare, though that may not be saying much since stranger rapes as a whole are also rather rare.
Depressing.
ReplyDeleteWell, hey! The first comment on "how to avoid rape tips: they don't work" is a tip to avoid rape! This surprises me not at all!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what mainstream advice you've been reading, lastnightsclothes, but "take a self-defense class" is pretty common advice in my experience. Advice that promotes the fantasy that knowing a half-dozen ways to nail a man in the balls will save you from rape, instead of, y'know, enraging him and turning a rape into a rape plus assault.
Assertiveness is good. One can learn assertiveness in a debate class. I can rattle off half a dozen things taught in self-defense class that have nothing to do with assertiveness and everything to do with promoting the fantasy that a two-week class will allow you physically defend yourself on cue. And if you took a self-defense class and got raped anyway? Shame, shame on you!
"Take a self-defense class" is no more useful advice than any of the things Holly covered.
Lastnightsclothes - While I don't think a self-defense class is a bad idea in general, it fails the "best friend" test on two levels:
ReplyDelete1) I'm not going to physically attack my best friend over what might be a misunderstanding. Hell, I'm not sure I could do it even I knew he wanted to hurt me. Striking full-force at someone I care about seems extraordinarily hard to do.
2) I'm not going to physically attack anyone over 140 pounds or so when we're alone together. I'm small and squishy and quite vulnerable to pain and intimidation, and I know it. Years of training might do it, but I can't and won't commit to those years, and neither will most women.
There are people whom you can let into your bedroom. There are people you whom can let into your house. There are people whom you can interact with in the work setting. There are people whom you should avoid at all costs.
ReplyDeleteThe only defense is to avoid people who don't respect boundaries, and who might take advantage of you. Yes, it is much harder to weed out the people amongst your acquaintances who mean you harm. It takes time, and learning their character. It's easier if your sober, and if you have life experience, but those are no guarantees.
Finally--you can attack anyone over 140 pounds with a 9mm even if you are alone together. That's what they are FOR.
Anonymous - Physically, I can attack anyone with a 9mm. Emotionally, I can't just kill someone I know! Especially if it's not a clear-cut "grrr I gonna rape you now" situation, which it usually isn't.
ReplyDeleteAlso, legally, I'm not sure how well the "he's an upstanding gentleman, they were friends of long standing, there's not a mark on her, and no witnesses" situation would play out in court.
lol
ReplyDeleteHolly--To be a complete cynic, which I am. As long as it wasn't your spouse and no blatant motive (such as an insurance policy) a woman killing a man will get a pass.
ReplyDeleteParticularly if the woman is white or Asian and the man is Black or Latino.
Mentally and willingness to kill, well then you fall back on your selection process.
I'm fully aware that my above statement is horrible. But racism still exists in the United States, and that's the consensus amongst the DA's I've spoken to. It looks better if the woman is able to cry, and say she was afraid.
ReplyDeleteHell, women kill their children with depressing frequency in the US, and rarely get called to account.
Here's a disturbing thought: perhaps these rape prevention checklists are worse than useless. They may actually be slightly harmful.
ReplyDeleteAs pointed out, the vast majority of rape is acquaintance rape, but these checklists would not do a damned thing in those cases. But by reinforcing the idea that the best way to prevent rape is to violently distrust strangers, they also reinforce the image of rape as some kind of random act of violence.
Someone inundated with these kinds of lists may be less likely to identify an acquaintance rape, especially while it's happening.
As long as it wasn't your spouse and no blatant motive (such as an insurance policy) a woman killing a man will get a pass.
ReplyDeleteCitation please?
Just another comment on the self-defense angle - I had several years of martial arts training before I went to college. There was an absolutely mandatory (but only for women, of course) self-defense class my freshman year; I tried to get out of it, but failed. In retrospect I should've just not gone ... but anyway ...
ReplyDeleteI was not at all impressed with the self-defense techniques taught by this instructor. Two hours is, of course, not enough to teach anything lasting. My belief (so far untested, fortunately) is that the best thing to have in a potentially physical confrontation is a cool head, and it wouldn't hurt to know what it feels like to get hit, so that it's not a total shock. Holly would know more from her work experiences, which sound like they're sometimes pretty rough. Regardless, this instructor encouraged us, when faced with an attacker, to drop down to the floor and kick at the attacker while rolling around on our backs.
Um.
I voiced some concerns. He argued that there's only so much you can teach a group in two hours. To me that's an argument against teaching people dubious "techniques" that will give them, at best, a false sense of security.
The blame for rape, or in fact *any* assault, theft, etc lies squarely with the attacker. That is clear. But the physical and emotional trauma of the assault lies with the person who was attacked. While no one can 100% prevent the possibility of being attacked, or being attacked successfully, everyone on some level makes a choice about how much they will do to try to reduce the chances. It's risk vs. reward, like so much of what we do in life. And there's probably a balancing point - if you avoid trusting people, you'll get to a point where you don't have anyone to watch your back when you do need it.
I think, though, what's so infuriating is exactly this stranger vs. acquaintance rape issue. While theft is clearly against the law, if you get held up after walking into a dark alley in the bad part of town displaying lots of obvious wealth, people might question why you had made those decisions. It wouldn't make the hold-up any less illegal. Whereas these lists, as you point out, are aimed at the fairly unlikely scenario of stranger rape, rather than how to protect yourself from the people you trust. Because, well ... yeah, you can't do that in a nice bullet-pointed list.
Perhaps I'm more paranoid than most, but even as a 196 cm, 120 kg, relatively muscular man (with the upper body strength advantage over women that implies), all the things you listed as "useless advice" are things I practice myself.
ReplyDeleteBecause even if they're useless for avoiding rape there are still nasty people out in the world, and that advice is good for avoiding them.
I don't know what to do about acquaintance / "friend" rape. Short of perhaps a swift extrajudicial beating by the person's friends, afterwards.
As pointed out, the vast majority of rape is acquaintance rape, but these checklists would not do a damned thing in those cases. But by reinforcing the idea that the best way to prevent rape is to violently distrust strangers, they also reinforce the image of rape as some kind of random act of violence.
ReplyDeleteOMG THIS THIS THIS.
The fact that these "lists" almost always portray rape as a stranger-jumping-out-of-the-bushes-with-a-gun thing when in fact it's overwhelmingly a friend-with-booze-or-a-big-guilt-trip thing makes me wonder if rape advice is just one more societal thing to try to keep women down. Make 'em look in the wrong direction when meanwhile an actual rapist is right in front of them.
The truly effective solution, then (aside from making sure men don't fucking rape people, but we're talking about what women can do here) is to teach girls to listen to their guts, defend their personal boundaries, and not be afraid to make a scene. Acquaintance rapists will usually "test" a potential victim to see how far they can get; a woman who's like "Please take your arm off my shoulders, I don't know you well enough for you to touch me like that" is not going to be as good a target as the girl who puts up with his advances because she doesn't want to make a scene/look like a bitch/start a confrontation.
Of course, this sort of female assertiveness goes against everything we've ever been taught about being nice and quiet and polite, so to make it happen, parents would have to undergo a massive change in attitude and start training their little girls to trust their instincts and respect their boundaries right from birth. No more "The nice man said hi to you, Janie. Don't you want to be nice and say it back??" - if Janie is wigged out by the guy and doesn't want to talk to him then don't fucking tell her to talk to him. Period.
So there you go. One highly effective way to prevent rape: reorchestrate the entire way we raise our kids. *Phew!* and here I thought it'd be something hard.
Ugh. We had a rapist on campus a few months ago. Everybody made a big deal about it because it was the stereotypical rapist - black guy with a knife who jumped out of the bushes late at night and attacked white women who were walking alone in parking lots. The campus newspaper was filled with tons of these "tips." And yet, the paper never reports on any date rapes on campus. They might as well not be happening as far as the local media is concerned. But ooh, scary black guy in a mostly-white area and everyone's all over it!
ReplyDelete"Because even if they're useless for avoiding rape there are still nasty people out in the world, and that advice is good for avoiding them."
ReplyDelete+1, these are good general tips for avoiding being victimized by a stranger. Acquaintance rape may be a bigger problem, but that doesn't mean basic steps to avoid violent crime are a bad idea.
Maybe the whole problem with these tips is that they are mislabeled. They should be presented as stranger rape prevention tips, which they are, rather than as general rape prevention tips, which they are not. Stranger rape is significantly rarer but still exists.
ReplyDeleteAs perlhaqr and zeeke42 pointed out, they are also stranger robbery prevention tips, stranger assault prevention tips, stranger murder prevention tips, etc.
"Would this protect me from my best friend?" Because that's how it usually goes down, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteI didn't have that impression. I had the impression it was much more often date/acquaintance than best friend; and the particular dates/acquaintances in question were normally serial offenders. "Best friend" vs. "date/acquaintance" are much different scenarios.
Didn't see anyone else calling this out...
ReplyDelete"...instead of, y'know, enraging him and turning a rape into a rape plus assault."
Um, sorry, Anonymous-who-said-this, but when did rape stop being assault? O_o
Also, your answer seems to imply that taking self-defense is pointless. And it can be, I'll admit, if poorly or inadequately taught.
Please consider that not all courses of training are created equal. A good self-defense class is not just umpteen ways to "nail a man in the balls". It's how to hurt someone until they stop trying to hurt you. A commitment to practical self-defense necessitates a commitment to stay in practice and continue working on technique.
You're right that a two-week course giving you tips you've probably already heard and maybe a few simple physical moves- well, it's not tremendously practical. But the implication that you shouldn't bother to learn self-defense really bothers me - successful self-defense is certainly possible. It may not be the best option for everyone, but it *is* an option.
Speaking of which, Holly, in response to your "1)" - not wanting to hit your best friend full-force - self-defense isn't necessarily all or nothing. Ya don't have to go straight for the eye-gouging. :) In the class I take two or three times a year (RAD Systems), we learn everything from how to push someone away who gets toasty at a party and won't stop putting his arm around you (leaving him with nothing worse than slight discomfort and some ego-bruising) to nose- and kneecap-breaking.
Though of course, as with your "2)", it's up to each person to decide individually whether she's comfortable with physical self-defense - just like it is for the choice of firearms as a self-defense option.
Mandassassin - I took a RAD class a while back and I agree that they give you a mixture of techniques, as well as empowering women to fight back, which tends to be discouraged or girls by society at large. RAD classes aren't really about taking out your attacker so much as giving you options so you can safely escape. There's kicking and punching, sure, but there's also ways to use leverage to break someone's grip on your wrists or knock someone over if they're straddling you. Those methods, I think, would be useful in knocking some sense into a friend or acquaintance if they were mistaken about your level of interest OR getting away from someone who does actually intend to rape you.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it won't be helpful if you're stunned by what's happening to you or if you're drugged and have poor motor control, which is the case in many rapes.
Seriously, this. I don't know anyone who was raped by a stranger in a dark alley or an empty parking lot or any of the other so-dangerous places-to-avoid. I could, however, probably name six or seven women off the top of my head who were raped by their boyfriend, their prom date, their boyfriend's drunk friend, that skeevy guy at the party, or their own father.
ReplyDeleteUnless you want to basically lock yourself in a room for the rest of your life, you can't exactly avoid those people. The only real defense is trusting your gut and defending your personal boundaries--and even that isn't foolproof.
Comment on anon a ways above:
ReplyDeleteAs long as it wasn't your spouse and no blatant motive (such as an insurance policy) a woman killing a man will get a pass.
From what I've heard, this is sort of true, but also a selectively limited, gross exaggeration. In cases where someone was killed, and the killer claims self defense, and there's no real evidence one way or the other, it usually comes down to jury bias. Jury bias tends to favor the woman if the one who she killed was a man who wasn't her husband or lover. On the other hand, if it was her husband or lover, they tend to favor conviction and maximum penalty. This bias is also, oddly, reversed for men - if it was a woman, expect conviction, unless she was a wife or lover, then expect him to get off or a lighter sentence. (The latter may seem counter-intuitive, but apparently juries generally believe that a man who murders his wife/lover is far more likely to claim "not guilty" than "self-defense".)
However, this is only true of a very specific type of killing (claimed self-defense), combined with a very specific circumstance (lack of evidence one way or the other) and only a tendency - not an absolute. Women do *not* get a pass for killing men in general.
Hell, women kill their children with depressing frequency in the US, and rarely get called to account.
Also, women who kill their children only "get off" in the sense that they are usually judged "not guilty by reason of insanity". However, unless one can prove that the insanity was temporarily brought on by outside conditions which are not likely to recur, such a judgment usually results in the accused being committed to a mental ward rather than being released.
aebhel >>>> I could, however, probably name six or seven women off the top of my head who were raped by their boyfriend, their prom date, their boyfriend's drunk friend, that skeevy guy at the party, or their own father.
ReplyDeleteMore of that list is "date/acquaintance" than "best friend".
Holly >>>> -Carry mace or a stun gun [or, depending on the politics of the list-writer, a handgun]
I can't shoot my best friend! Maybe, maybe if he gets all "Grrr, I'm going to rape you now," I'll be able to mace or stun-gun him.
Some people are willing to cut a little slack to a rapist who claims to think "no means yes". They should fix that ASAP. In the meantime, I don't think anyone is willing to cut any slack to a rapist who thinks "pointed weapon means yes". If he's advancing in the face of a weapon, his motives have been ultimately clarified. "I thought you liked this, why are you being so cruel to me?" is no longer plausible. If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it.
"Of course, this sort of female assertiveness goes against everything we've ever been taught about being nice and quiet and polite, so to make it happen, parents would have to undergo a massive change in attitude and start training their little girls to trust their instincts and respect their boundaries right from birth. No more "The nice man said hi to you, Janie. Don't you want to be nice and say it back??" - if Janie is wigged out by the guy and doesn't want to talk to him then don't fucking tell her to talk to him. Period."
ReplyDeleteAmen. I know I got a shitton of that socialization as a kid. I specifically remember being in the car with my parents and a large scary-looking man with facial hair, a dirty hat, and overalls (which looked very foreign to me as a small child) sticking his head in the car (he was a friend of my parents and a farmer) to say hello and me being scared and hiding my face/refusing to say "hello, nice to meet you" and getting IN TROUBLE from my parents afterwards for being "impolite" (they were mortified at my lack of manners)...I was SCARED of an unfamiliar big scary man who invaded the space of the car I was trapped in. My parents were good parents, but they totally dropped the ball on this one.
"I don't know anyone who was raped by a stranger in a dark alley or an empty parking lot or any of the other so-dangerous places-to-avoid. I could, however, probably name six or seven women off the top of my head who were raped by their boyfriend, their prom date, their boyfriend's drunk friend, that skeevy guy at the party, or their own father."
Exactly. I can count several female friends who have been raped by someone they knew and/or trusted and witnessed the devastating effects of that experience. The list of rape prevention tactics were not at all helpful in these more realistic/probabilistic circumstances. Predators need to be called out, monitored, named as such, outed by their peers and the rape apology/victim blaming has to stop.
monique,
ReplyDeleteThe men I assume were required to go to an equally long lecture/class about how not to be raping assholes where they covered "if you rape someone, we WILL kick you out of this here fine institution" and "don't think we're stupid enough to think you didn't know that it isn't ok to coerce women with alcohol". Right?
RIGHT???
ARGH. I *spit* on the idea that women should be the ones who are tasked with rape prevention.
Also, this thread is making me really wish I remembered the website of a great blog post from a while ago that talked about how society strongly censures women who talk back or get angry, up until the exact moment when a woman gets raped, and then the woman in question is blamed for not having spoken up or getting angry. Anyone know the post I'm talking about?
The DeviantE: you might be talking about this post: http://fugitivus.wordpress.com/2009/06/26/another-post-about-rape-3/
ReplyDelete...And even if you're not, it's still awesome and everyone should read it.
Good post. I think rape prevention should be geared toward men. I'd like to see more written and spoken on the topic of what men can do to prevent rape, how they can educate each other, etc.
ReplyDeleteSexual Assault Tips Guaranteed to Work:
http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2009/09/15/sexual-assault-prevention-tips-guaranteed-to-work/
If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it.
ReplyDeleteGreat in theory, but if most people actually operated like that, this wouldn't be such a big issue.
It's hard to physically defend yourself against people you care about. It's hard to be wrong about people you care about, and in situations where it's not a direct 'take your clothes off or I'll kill you', it's easy to second-guess. Hey, maybe I was leading him on. Well, it won't be that bad just this once. He doesn't know his own strength. He doesn't mean to hurt me. I don't want to hurt his feelings, let alone physically injure him.
Why do you think so many abused women stay with their abusers? Yeah, in some cases it's pure, logical fear that he'll kill her if she leaves, but a lot of the time, that really isn't the biggest part of it.
did you know perversecowgirl, that I just spent fucking *hours* searching and I finally just found it!? (I realized it was probably a fugitivus post from before I started reading her regularly and then I couldn't figure out how to search the site for it, so I just kept clicking "older posts" to look chronologically and then getting sucked into various posts that I liked, oy)
ReplyDeleteAnd then I realize that if I'd just checked back earlier, you would have put it up! AGH.
AKA: Yep! that's the one!
"to make it happen, parents would have to undergo a massive change in attitude and start training their little girls to trust their instincts and respect their boundaries right from birth."
ReplyDeleteAs the mother of two younger girls (and a boy) We've been working on this with our kids. For example, we've been having age appropriate discussions about "private parts" not only including genitals but also explaining that a "private part" is any part of your body that you don't want someone to touch. We've never forced our kids to give hugs or kisses to anyone they don't want to hug or kiss and we let them choose how much physical contact they have with someone they don't know well (assuming it's someone we do know well enough to let the kids hug them, should they choose). We've also explained that, even if someone is a friend, it's still ok to tell them "NO, Hands off" if they don't want to be touched (and that there are places that no one should be touching). I don't want any of my kids growing up thinking it's impolite to tell someone they are not allowed to touch them. I want them to understand that a person's body is their's to decide who touches it and when. The way we've gone about teaching this (ie. pointing out that it's ok to say no to a friend touching and it's ok to be rude if someone isn't taking "NO" for an answer) may not win us any brownie points with the PTA moms but I don't really give a shit. I'd rather piss off the mini-van crowd than find out one of my kids was molested or raped because I didn't give them the skills to protect themselves to whatever extent they were able.
"ARGH. I *spit* on the idea that women should be the ones who are tasked with rape prevention."
I agree that we shouldn't be the ONLY ones tasked with rape prevention but, IMO, it's my vagina (or mouth or hand or whatever body part) and if I don't want someone touching it I will do everything in my power to stop it from happening. Absolutely men....no, wait, let me rephrase that...Absolutely, people (since women can, and do, rape and molest as well) should be taught that you respect someone's body, and "No means no" and you don't go around touching people who don't want you touching them. Unfortunately, while 90% of the population may know and respect that, there are people who will continue to rape and molest until stopped. That's when I want my kids to be able to say "NO" and protect themselves as much as possibly by either physically protecting themselves or by not putting themselves in situations that have a higher chance of something bad hapening. Is it right that they have to do that? Hell no. They shouldn't have to worry that someone may rape or molest them but, sadly, we don't live in a Utopia and some times people do bad things.
I look at following the "rape prevention tips" the same way I look at locking my doors or not leaving my keys in my car. In theory I should be able to leave my doors unlocked and leave my keys in my car because stealing, or breaking and entering, are illegal and really shitty things to do. But, people still do them and while locking my doors and removing my keys isn't going to make me 100% safe, it gives me an extra measure of safety, however small. While people shouldn't rape other people and a woman shouldn't have to censor her activities, it's a sad fact of life that there are douchebags out there who will take advantage of certain situations. When a woman goes into those situations knowing it has a higher risk, she may be slightly more prepared and possibly be able to protect herself. She shouldn't have to but it never hurts to be prepared.
I like that Fugitivus post. Fugitivus tends to skew a little more radical-feminist than I do, but in a way that I can very much understand and respect.
ReplyDeleteJune Clever - It depends what the specific precautions are. A lot of tips like "don't hitchhike with strangers" are things I do anyway, more out of fear of robbery or general sketchiness than rape.
But some really are "don't take no risks now little lady," as with the ones that basically forbid women from going outside alone after dark. That is not a reasonable precaution; that's condescending and paranoid, and seriously impairs my freedom of movement and self-sufficiency.
Also, over-focusing on the dangers in the bushes can create the effect where the dangers at home and within social circles are relatively minimized. I might mind the lists of "don't walk too close to van doors, a rapist might pop out!" less if they even included "if a date doesn't take 'no' for an answer on little things, he might not take it on big things!"
But some [rape prevention tips] really are "don't take no risks now little lady," as with the ones that basically forbid women from going outside alone after dark.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is super, super paranoid about the archetypal rapist-in-the-bushes, and to this day I get nervous being out after dark - even though I've done it many times (sometimes even waiting for the bus alone after a night of clubbing, wearing sexy things) and no man has ever jumped in front of me with a knife screaming "GRRRR I'M GONNA RAPE YOU!"
My mom is also (like Kaija's parents) focused on avoiding social awkwardness over everything else in the whole fucking world, so while she trained young Cowgirl to be terrified of darkness and solitude, she simultaneously taught her that I have to smile and interact with every idiot who wants to talk to me, ever. It's...not a very good combo.
Only a few years ago (in my mid-thirties) did I start being able to get up and move to a different subway seat when a creepy guy sat next to me, even though doing so might hurt his feelings.
I hate that my mom did this to me. And I hate that when I've tried to discuss all this with her, she's always burst into tears and screamed "I did the best I could!" and won't seriously acknowledge the bizarre mixed messages she fed me.
I'm not planning on having kids, but if I did, I hope to hell I could teach them to defend their boundaries and not give a shit what other people think - not just by telling them it's okay, but by demonstrating it: by telling the crazy homeless guy "I don't want to talk to you. Go away." or loudly confronting the guy on the subway who touched my ass.
I was at a party once, thrown by a woman who is a close friend, where she got her boob grabbed briefly by a drunk acquaintance; I was not in the room at the time. I heard about it a bit later that evening; she dissuaded me from beating him up, and to make sure she didn't tell me who it was. I kept an eye on every man near her the rest of the night, and generally kept an eye out at future parties with that crowd. Had I known who it was, I never would have given him the time of day; nor would I have tolerated anyone who tried to hang out with him. (Decades later I found out it was a guy I never saw again anyway.)
ReplyDeleteI think anoymous at 10:18 is missing the irony in the "Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work" when he/she says rape prevention should be geared towards men. The thing is, most men are not potential rapists the way most women are potential victims. Saying rape prevention should be geared towards men tends to be in a context that implies that most men are potential perps; they aren't.
More rape prevention tips and literature definitely should be geared towards men in roles other than potential perp, but there should be a lot of serious thought and talk about what those roles should be. Ask a cop about what typically happens if he, or some bystander, intervenes even verbally in a sexual assault being committed by a boyfriend; hint, it doesn't encourage them to ever intervene again.
me >>>> If he's your best friend, shoot him and get better friends; the world will be a better place for it.
ReplyDeleteaehbel >>>> Great in theory, but if most people actually operated like that, this wouldn't be such a big issue.
That's kind of the point. The world as it is, is bad; something, or more likely several somethings, must change to improve it.
When I was in college, I used to block any unexpected attempt to touch me like I was Clouseau expecting an attack from Kato. It seemed cool at the time. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have been regarded as cool if a woman did it.
ReplyDeleteAs a small boy, I was taught to be nice to people just as much as my sisters were. So I'm wondering if the 'be nice even when faced with inappropriate behavior' training might have a different source than early training by parents? Maybe more a school-age social pressure?
Anonymous 3:14, teachers would also be a good bet for "politeness training": it's been shown that they're generally far more quick to tell young girls to quiet down, sit nicely, etc., whereas young boys are allowed to be louder and make more of a ruckus.
ReplyDeleteSo maybe your parents screwed you up but your teachers undid it a little bit. :P
There's one thing I've gotta say in favor of "politeness" training. When a friend of mine was in early elementary school, a popular game in his class was "run away from the girl with the artificial arm"; boys and girls both. Those kids badly needed better politeness training. It should be possible to train to avoid both kinds of problems, both "being nice when faced with inappropriate behavior" and "emotionally mistreating people because of their looks".
ReplyDelete*sigh*
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should just make this a post at my place...
Yes, there should be more "blame" placed on men. While not every man is a "potential perp", there are a LOT of ways "non-perps" condone and encourage the offenders. If we could somehow train those behaviors out of society, we'd be golden. Unfortunately...
And I hate to break this to everyone, but in the cases of "accquaintance rape", the person STARTED OUT AS A STRANGER. If you research the behavior patterns on such offenders, I'm willing to bet you'd find that they follow the same basic "grooming" techniques that a pedophile uses on victims. Case in point:
I have a friend, who's daughter was ALWAYS taught to take care of herself. Martial arts, assertiveness training, weapons: you name it, kids was hell on wheels. She still ended up victimized, by someone who managed to smooth talk their way in, and convince her to go along with things.
Unless it's someone you truly trust enough to actually be intimate with (forget attraction here: do you trust them enough to be intimate?), always have a certain amount of suspicion. Or, to quote Murphy's Rules of Combat:
"Be civil. Be polite. Have a plan to kill everyone you meet."
And yes Holly: that means I had formulated a plan within about 15 seconds of us meeting when you were on the road: I NEVER take chances. ;)
To those who are teaching their kids to be adamant about their boundries: good, as far as it goes. Teaching kids to look for grooming behavior would be a good idea, too!
Strings - Yes, there should be more "blame" placed on men. While not every man is a "potential perp", there are a LOT of ways "non-perps" condone and encourage the offenders.
ReplyDeleteWrong and counterproductive. Blame should accrue to two sets:
perps, comprising a small minority of men and a far smaller minority of women;
and persons who condone or encourage perps either knowingly or in ways they obviously should have known, comprising some men and some women.
Neither set includes all men. If you act like it does, you are yourself condoning and encouraging bad actors; because then they're just being men. They aren't. They are being less than men.
If I had reason to suspect a guy would keep silent if he heard a date-rapist brag; if he would say "bros before hos" or "she was asking for it", he wouldn't be my friend, and if he actually said something like that, he'd be called on it. And I think the same is true of all my male friends. I've met some guys who I suspect without evidence would stay silent; they aren't my friends exactly because of that creepy vibe.
Education on things like saying "she was asking for it" should go to everybody, definitely including women. Blame should be reserved to those that deserve it. If your educational material comes across as blaming all men, it is condoning and encouraging.
To those who are teaching their kids to be adamant about their boundries: good, as far as it goes. Teaching kids to look for grooming behavior would be a good idea, too!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it the same thing?
From what I've read about the typical acquaintance rape (the kind that happens at a college party, anyway), the rapist "tests" various women to figure out who would make a good target.
For instance: he might keep pushing to get a woman a drink, even after she's said no; if she finally says "OKAY FINE" and accepts the drink, she's shown that she can be talked out of her initial "no." Or a guy might act inappropriately intimate with a woman - standing uncomfortably close, for instance - and if she politely ignores it instead of saying something or moving away, he knows she's probably a pretty good target.
These "grooming" behaviours all constitute infringing on someone's boundaries. As I believe I said upthread, a woman who says "Dude, take your arm off me. We don't know each other that well" or "I said I didn't want another drink. What part of 'no' is giving you the trouble?" is much less likely to be acquaintance raped (in the "party" scenario, anyway) than the woman who goes along with everything because she doesn't want to look like a bitch/make a scene/etc.
Has anyone here seen the new campaign launched in Scotland?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.notever.co.uk/
One of the comments in the Have Your Say section is shocking: "Women need to understand men don't think logically when they are aroused, and its the way they dress and act that arouses men.” -James, Male
I can't decide which gender he's insulting the most :)
Anyway, the campaign is in response to attitudes like the above.
Women need to understand men don't think logically when they are aroused
ReplyDeleteNeither do women (or maybe it's just me?). But even someone who's a little addled will be able to remember the important stuff. For instance, no matter how aroused I am, I will never ever not use a condom; I pounded this habit into my head when I was "sober" and in my right mind and the habit continues even when my brain is all kerflooey. Likewise, I'm sure you couldn't convince a guy that he could fly and get him to jump out a tenth-story window, even if he was really, really turned on; he knows deep down that if he jumps out a window he'll splatter on the ground, and this knowledge stays fixed even though he's "not thinking logically".
Society needs to convince men that infringing on a woman's personal space without express, enthusiastic consent is BAD, just like splattering your entrails all over the sidewalk in a failed attempt to fly would be bad. The fact that it's bad and wrong needs to be pounded in bone-deep so guys never forget it.
I wonder...if being turned on is (apparently) an excuse for a man to sexually assault or rape a woman, could it also be a valid excuse for other crimes? "Sorry, Officer, I only held up that bank because I was horny and not thinking clearly" "Whoops! I watched some porn and then went and killed my neighbour with a hammer. I hate when that happens."
Your defense against your friends is your willingness and ability to put aside the concept of your friendship that you've built up over time (maybe years?) when your friend does things that aren't friendly. I really think this, much more than physical proximity or even inebriation, is what makes acquaintance rape so common--everyone knows in general terms what it takes to prevent it, but as you admitted in your post, almost no one is ready to do it on a moment's notice.
ReplyDeleteEven if your friend is able to keep from showing any signs prior to "The Rape," there should still be defensive value in having him completely convinced that you will treat him like any other rapist when you do get free of him, NOT like a friend who made a mistake. But again, that's easy to say and hard to do.
You have to be able to put aside the fact that, at least it seems to me, a lot of acquaintance rape is as fuzzily-defined in the perpetrator's mind as it is in everyone else's. The perpetrator often genuinely believes that he has done nothing evil, just "gone a little too far" or "misread the situation." He may really believe this, he may even have some justification in believing this, but it's the fact that he expects the victim to go along with that kind of euphemism *and so many do* that gives him protection and excuse.
On the subject of what you can do once the rape starts, you're right about weapons. Objects are not talismans and they won't save you unless you use them to save yourself.
If you studied wrestling, Judo, Brazilian jiu-jitsu or Sambo, you could learn to be very hard to control physically. It's not that you could take guard and triangle him unconscious (well, you might at that) but that you would learn about staying off your back, shrimping, hip escapes, sitting out, and lots of reversals from the bottom like upas and elevators and flowers that would give you the ability to escape. The only real weakness this training has is that if you train for the sports, you don't get much work on standup fighting or weapons--you can easily get shanked while you're moving your hips out to escape the man on top. But that's not as significant against your best friend who thinks he got some kind of signal. Even if all you do is escape, make sex impossible for a minute or two, and keep saying "No," that still stands a good chance of working on your best friend.
But your question reminded me of a BJJ conversation. BJJ has at least a dozen taught methods for escaping the triangle choke. There are slams, there are ways to sweep the opponent's leg off your neck, there are twists to the hook-leg side--it's as technical and addictive as it sounds. But if you ask any decent teacher the best way to escape the triangle, he'll tell you that those methods are last-ditch attempts. They don't really work reliably and when they do, you're often doing exactly what your opponent expected and flowing right into his next submission. The real method is to keep your posture, don't leave your arm in, don't try to pass guard without both arms outside the legs . . . in short, the only escape that works reliably is not to give up the triangle. The fancy stuff is what you use when you've already fucked up and it's too late to do it right.
@sarah, @perversecowgirl
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that one of the few sex talks I got from my mother involved some variation of, "_You_ need to make sure you're using a condom, because the girl is going to be emotional and not think clearly."
(I'm male.)
I think the ONLY prevention to friend rape is to listen to your gut feelings. Not that I blame myself (anymore), but I did have a very bad feeling about hanging out with the "friend" who tricked me so he could rape me. But I didn't want to offend him. Like the bad guy said in "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," The fear of offending is stronger than the fear of pain.
ReplyDeleteAt least for me, that is what I have to change.
My “first date”. Remember?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn’t go in his car.
I made him sit in the student lounge.
I point-blank told him I wasn’t interested because I was a lesbian.
I wouldn’t introduce him to my friends. I told him they deserved better. There are times when you feel decisions turning inside of you, like a key turning inside a lock. Like the words I was about to say had been written down somewhere at the beginning of time, waiting to for events to unfold, and I was an actress. Ready to say them. I already knew how this script would end.
And I left. I walked away.
I was shaking. I felt like I was floating, like the ground underneath me wasn’t solid enough.
And then I turned a corner and one of my friends was there.
We went to an event together and had a really good time. She validated my decision and I came away feeling good about myself and about my actions.
I hope that my story is able to help other people who may have trouble setting boundaries; please know that you’re not alone.