Sunday, December 30, 2007

Single-serving friends.

The problem with one-night stands is that when they're bad you realize you shouldn't have done it at all, and when they're good you realize just how little you can get done in only one night.

I think I'm not cut out to be a slut. It's not a mushy feelings issue per se, it's more like... seems like a shame to find a really good toy and only play with it once, you know?

(Not a toy. A... augh, how does one acknowledge a sexual partner's humanity without sounding like one has the mushies for them? A dude.)


  1. I just watched Fight Club again the other night. The bit where the idea of single serving friends was funny again and it's funny to see you using it in this context.

    And for what it's worth, why aren't they just toys? If you're never gonna see them again, does it matter how you relegate them?

  2. Scott - It matters because having sex shouldn't make a person less persony, dammit. I don't go out to dinner with someone and secretly think "oh, you're nothing but a food-and-conversation toy to me." You know?

  3. ... seems like a shame to find a really good toy and only play with it once, you know?

    Yup. This is (aside from a wide host of other personal issues) why I end up thinking that one-night stands are just...such a disappointment even when they are good.

    Casual sex partner =/= person is an attitude that I've never got but one which seems painfully prevalent.

  4. Aebhel - I think the issue is that it is vitally important not to give the impression that you have the mushies for your casual sex partners, so you err on the other side by acting like you actually HATE them.

    I really don't want to be a clingy "you're my boyfriend now!" crazy chick, but sometimes it's frustrating when I feel pressure to act like there are NO feelings.

    I've ranted on this before, but I wish we had more cultural space for "casual but friendly," for "you're not my Forever Love, but I kinda like you," in the sexual realm. It seems like the only two paradigms are committed romance and impersonal exploitation. I like being a little in between.

    1. Yes! There is so much space for platonic squishy feelings that come along with sexual attraction but without the "Love meeeee foreeeeeveeeerrrrrrrrrr". Or even with a tiny dash of romance. But no, society says we have to be on one side of the coin. >.>

  5. With any of my past casual sex partners I've kinda forced them to be my friends. Like, Hey you should come over and watch a movie with my friend and I. Hey, tonight we should fuck.

    I don't think this works for many people though. I tend to be a special case. (Especially because I've done this with numerous people...)

  6. I don't think I'm advocating dehumanizing people. In fact, I'm sure I'm not. On the other hand, some people are just exceptionally good at what they do. I mean, I have known women who deserved medals for some of what they could do near the bedroom.

    If you go to dinner and the chef creates an exceptional meal, do you first secretly think, "what a great human being you are"? Having worked in the restaurant business (among others) for a long time, I can tell you that many chefs are egotistical dickheads. That doesn't change the fact that they can cook well. I'm just saying that the first thing that one considers when meeting people isn't always their humanity, nor should it have to be.

    I agree that sex is a different realm from food preparation, but the concept is similar. I think as long as you (in your head) continue to appreciate what value others should have in addition to the one you value, then you're safe. It doesn't matter if they can fuck you within an inch of your life or make a perfect souffle. It's about common courtesy, don'cha think?

    All of that is to say that what I meant initially is that how you regard your partners, long term or otherwise, really only needs to matter to you. None of us can (or should) ever really judge.

    Does that make sense?

  7. Scott - I get what you're saying in general, it's just that I've never been 100% able to separate someone's sexual skills from their personality--I don't think I could sleep with someone I didn't like and call it "good" no matter what they did with their cock. It's just part of the experience. To me.

    It's that inbetweeny thing again, I think--I don't need sex to be 100% romantic but I'm finding that (for me) it can't be 100% physical.

    And yeah, of course all this labeling happening inside my head only matters to me, and yours only matters to you. If you see your partners as toys, well, as long as you treat them decently I guess you can privately think what you like.